Dear all,
It's sooooooooooooooooo validating to find evidence that Mutual Support is beneficial during a grieving process. That's because Mutual Support was my lifeline for several years. Yes. I typed "YEARS" on purpose even if you were hoping it was a mistake. Some of us have a much longer recovery period than others; and
you cannot predict how low
you'll go when a N runs over your face.
Maybe you were managing a major corporation or perhaps you were managing the family bank account---no matter how competent you may have been, I'm here to tell you that
Betrayal is the great human leveler. I don't imagine there's a single person on this forum who was a grease spot or a doormat prior to being treated like one. So if you're feeling incompetent, confused, inept, unlovable, rejected, ashamed, guilty, responsible, and heart-broken, believe me: This Too Shall Pass.
Now I reckon the majority of us could move on without joining a cyber-community. At this point in time, there's plenty of information about betrayal and personality disorders; new books are being added to bookshops everywhere. We can type 'narcissism' in Amazon.com's search window and find more books than the average nightstand can support. Access to information is key to healthy healing, so please take advantage of whatever information you can find to help yourself understand the narcissistc pathology and YOUR healing journey.
If you are inclined to join a support group though, you'll be reassured that in our insensitive, uncaring world---there really are folks who empathize. They understand. They've been through trauma themselves and still care enough to stick around and help other people if they can. I remember how important my cyber-community became when my neighbors, family, friends and religious community urged me to Move On, Forgive and Forget and stop that insufferable WHINING.
Well holy cripes, if I coulda stopped whining, I woulda. I never was a whiner pre-N-relationship and obviously wasn't enough of a whiner during the relationship.
My advice to anyone considering Internet support, is this: WORK IT. The message board process works,
but only if you work it. That's 12-step-talk...yea, I went there for help, too.
Get to know your peers and support them if you can. Maybe all you can manage to post is a smilie face. Post it anyway. There are those days when a smilie face motivated me enough to face the stack of dishes by the kitchen sink. Someone was there and someone cared.
Those "someones" became reliable friends who'd seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. You can build similar support for yourself. The Internet is easy, convenient, anonymous and free. Take advantage of that and perhaps you'll find just as I did a few years ago,
"mutual support groups were generally just as effective as trained therapists at alleviating moderate levels of depression." Those days when posting a message seemed overwhelming and I didn't want to do it: I did it anyway. One of those "someones" replied and I no longer felt isolated and alone. That in itself is one of the greatest blessings of a cyber-community.
Hugs,
CZ
PsyBlog: The Science of Psychology
In stressful times we can all do with a little help from our friends. Sometimes, though, our friends cannot provide - or we do not want to ask for - the kind of support required. Mutual support groups based around shared topics such as cancer or addictions have grown rapidly to meet this need. But, can mutual support groups really help people recover from mental health problems? A small but growing body of research suggests they can.
DepressionSome of the best evidence comes from a randomised comparison of mutual support group with cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) (Bright, Baker & Neimeyer, 1999). This study found that mutual support groups were generally just as effective as trained therapists at alleviating moderate levels of depression.
Chronic mental illnessPeople with serious mental health problems taking part in a mutual support group were examined by Roberts et al. (1999). They found that participants showed improved psychosocial adjustment over the course of the study. Not only this, but those who helped others were more likely to improve themselves. This is a demonstration of the 'helper therapy' principle - the idea that it is therapeutic for us to help others.
BereavementA study by Marmar et al. (1988) looked at women suffering from unresolved grief from the death of their husbands. It compared a mutual support group with brief dynamic psychotherapy. The results showed that both of these treatment were similarly effective.
Importance of mutual supportWhile this is only a sample of some of the published studies, there is certainly good evidence emerging for the effectiveness of mutual support groups. Why is this important? Mutual support groups are generally much cheaper than one-on-one therapy with a trained professional. The fact that outcomes are equivalent suggests they provide a great alternative.
These types of studies are also particularly important as they tend to show how much helping others can be beneficial. We might assume that the benefits of mutual support are in the receiving, but it does seem that giving support is also a healing activity.
ReferencesBright, J.I., Baker, K.D., & Neimeyer, R.A. (1999). Professional and paraprofessional group treatments for depression: a comparison of cognitive-behavioral and mutual support interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 67(4), 491-501.
Marmar, C.R., Horowitz, M.J., Weiss, D.S., Wilner, N.R., & Kaltreider, N.B. (1988). A controlled trial of brief psychotherapy and mutual-help group treatment of conjugal bereavement. Am J Psychiatry, 145(2), 203-9.
Roberts, L. J., Salem, D., Rappaport, J., Toro, P. A., Luke, D. A., & Seidman, E. (1999). Giving and Receiving Help: Interpersonal Transactions in Mutual-Help Meetings and Psychosocial Adjustment of Members. American Journal of Community Psychology, 27(6), 841-868.
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