The Slow Uphill Climb Gets Better with Time
by anonymous WoN member
Hi everyone,
I don't post much. I am pretty busy. I have a toddler at home, work full time as a teacher and go to graduate school. Don't have family here in town so I am on my own to survive. It is New Year's Eve and I am home alone. It is bitter sweet. I'm too young at 36 to be alone so I am going to drink wine and be reflective. Perhaps I will get to do those house chores I have been wanting to do later tonight.
Just wanted to let everyone know that it does get better. It takes so much time and effort to put all of this behind you. I had 2 restraining orders on my exnh, he dragged the divorce out, and was so difficult. He has made my life hell ever since my little one was born. He didn't see the divorce coming. Surprise!! Surprise!!
We are surviving and I am a survivor. It isn't easy.
The little things do not matter anymore. I am starting to smile more and feel control of my own life. I use to cry a lot. Over time I let myself smile while I was crying. Now I am smiling and no longer cry. It has only taken me 2 1/2 years.
My daughter is thriving and has no memory of him living with us. She was 8 months old when he moved out and she never slept through the night until he was gone.
It was three years ago on New Year's Eve that my Mom learned about narcissism. She looked up the criteria and handed it over to me. I had already started to search for a lawyer. It made it easier to file three months later. I thank God for message boards like these. They kept me grounded and focused on what I needed to do to make it through the divorce. I found the boards after the exnh moved out and everything made sense to me.
No contact is a must for me. My lawyer started a communication book that travels with our daughter. Email is used as our form of communication. The exnh and I do not have conversations. He likes to debate and argue. One of the few bonuses to being his ex is that I don't have to anymore. I found a great lawyer. She understood my situation and fought for me.
I stick to the parenting schedule and never ask the exnh for a thing or let him make any changes to it. There are no negotiations. As soon as he gets a favor from me, he will want more. I have gone out of my way to make sure MIL knows I am not the problem now. The exnh will deny his own mom time with our daughter so he can later blame me. MIL cried on the phone when I offered her Christmas time with her granddaughter. My former nieces and nephews came out to the drive way and I gave them hugs when I picked my daughter up that afternoon. They lost their favorite aunt and have suffered also.
I have been quickly replaced by exnh girlfriend. Believe or not, she is an answer to one of my prayers. My daughter loves her and from what I gather she is good to my daughter. I look forward to the day when we do meet and can compare notes. The first thing I will say to her is thank you for taking such good care of my daughter. I appreciate everything she has done for her.
I still have 15 years, 7 months, and 14 days with my exnh. There will be new issues and problems to deal with and overcome. It will never really be over when she turns 18 so I have decided I will stick around some more on the boards. My Mom doesn't get it. She has told me that I have surrounded my life too much around my daughter and she is running my life. Mom doesn't realize how much my daughter has helped me heal and survive. That toddler and I are very close. I am making it because of her.
So Happy New Year Everyone!! You never know what life will you hand you and every day is a gift. I had to attend a funeral the three days before Christmas. A mom died of meningitis from my elementary school. She felt a little sick earlier in the week , went into the hospital on Wed, and was diagnosed as brain dead on Friday. It was her only daughter's birthday. The child had no idea what was happening. The child was in my classroom last year and had delivered me a cupcake to celebrate her birthday. I, on the other hand, knew her mom was dying and the timing was horrible. I faked a smile, gave her a hug and sent her on her way knowing that I would be attending her mom's funeral the following week.
Life is too short.
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