Hi.
I've read this article that CZ has posted as a link. It's really simple, clear and hit home with me regarding my own parents and how XNH stepped into that parental role as an N in working to diminish my self-esteem and intrinsic value per the author's conclusion, that folks "believe that they have intrinsic value, independent of their accomplishments or what others may think of them."
Before XNH I'd gone through life not having the attitude that I had to prove myself to other people or having low self-esteem, but I also didn't know self-esteem could be trampled or stolen so I didn't shore mine up either. I hadn't found my calling or a consistent course so as a SAHM dabbled in a lot of things (as the designer daughter story describes). Don't believe that my parents (my mother moreso but my father not much -- I now see as a mature adult) really saw who I was, supported my passions or communicated value to me much but rather saw me (as an adult) as an independently operating person who could handle myself. OTOH a lot of those empathetic, compassionate sentiments came from my grandparents when I was a child, though my parents were responsive and protective of me as a child. My mother was STRONGLY externally focused and I naturally came up in societies where external appearance mattered a lot, but she also had long-time Ya-Ya type friends who'd go to the mat for her when things got bad, so I think I saw some of both kinds of lives. I could really empathize with the father-daughter issues in the designer story as it seemed to describe XNH's view/treatment of me as I started to come into my own as a designer during our marriage, without making it a viable business until after the D. It's only been post-D, as I've heard my father's comments about my mother, that I realized his whole focus was on her while I was growing up -- the good times and the wars -- and very little on me or my brother. Though at the time they both seemed like very active and participating parents for people who worked in Manhattan all day. What my history "really" was is yet a jumble to me, and I guess that part of post-D healing I've looked back over all my FOO Rs to address their pains and losses as well until I've finally reached a point in my life where that jumble is OK and I'll try to take forward a balanced memory of the parts that were good and bad.
Does all this sound like a mess of thoughts? A lot of my younger life was very Normal, good, wonderful. Things got darker, murker, worse, as we hit the 1970s, my brother got older, drugs/alcohol, my father's midlife career change and schooling, and my parents' wars. So my memories are quite mixed and I strive to maintain an attitude toward them that's generally in the middle -- to be fair regarding their intentions, the times we lived in, their skills/lack of skills. Neither person was malevolent though my father could be intermittently abusive as I got older. My brother, OTOH, was.
Thanks, CZ.
NewWings4MeNow
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