The Single Most Powerful Signifier of Sociopathy by by Steve Becker

[CZBZ]

The Single Most Powerful Signifier of Sociopathy

by Steve Becker

http://powercommunicating.com/

What is the single most powerful signifier of sociopathy?

How about, lack of empathy?

I don't think so.

As an isolated factor, I don't think lack of empathy best nails the sociopath.

Many millions of people, after all, lack empathy and aren't sociopaths. Also, exactly what constitutes empathy is a subject of some disagreement. Some LoveFraud members, in fact, question whether sociopaths even lack empathy (some asserting, to the contrary, that the sociopaths they've known have used their capacity for empathy to exploit them).

But the biggest problem with lack of empathy is its weakeness in explaining the single, truly best signifier of sociopathy—the characterological exploitiveness of the sociopath.

It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.

Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive ("malignant") narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy.

Why does lack of empathy fail to explain the sociopath's exploitiveness? It fails because most people who lack empathy are not exploitive. Just consider the autistic spectrum disorders: Lack of empathy is commonly associated with these disorders, but exploitive behavior is not.

Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation.

But in someone nonexploitative (someone, say, with Asperger's Syndrome), empathy will not be needed for its deterrent effect. However, in someone inclined to exploitation, lack of empathy will be a missing deterrent in a situation where deterrence is urgent.

Effectively, the sociopath's exploitive nature is undeterred by empathy, which is missing, thus liberating him to exploit. And it is the sociopath's tendency, or compulsion, to exploit, I propose, that best characterizes his sociopathy.

I'd be remiss not to clarify my working definition of empathy. Empathy, as I use it, is an experience, or appreciation, of another's experience that, depending on the situation, elicits a thoughtful, respectful, perhaps nurturing, but never exploitive, response.

While some sociopaths may possess an evolved capacity to read others' vulnerabilities, this doesn't make them empathic.

It is the particular response to someone's vulnerability that indicates the presence of empathy, or exploitation. It is the particular response, or pattern of responses, to someone's vulnerability that separates the empathic individual from the predator.

In this respect, I regard the sociopath as seriously, and given his exploitive personality, dangerously deficient in empathy.

What about his remorselessness? Certainly the sociopath's remorselessness is quite notable and diagnostically significant. However, I would argue that the sociopath's remorselessness is a byproduct not of his lack of empathy, but of his exploitive personality.

Many people who lack empathy are remorseful, for instance when informed that an action they took, or something they said, left someone else feeling damaged. They may struggle to relate emotionally (or even intellectually) to the effect their behavior had on the wounded party (their deficient empathy); but they are upset to learn that their action caused damage.

In other words, they feel remorseful even though their empathy is deficient.

However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another's vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.

By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors.

This sounds a lot like callousness; and we recognize callousness as another of the sociopath's telling qualities. But I would suggest, again, that the sociopath's callousness derives not from his defective empathy, but rather from his characterological exploitiveness. Most people with deficits in empathy are not callous. On the other hand, the exploitive mentality will engender a callous perspective.

I discussed in a prior post the audacity of the sociopath. I suggested a correspondence between audacity and sociopathy. But here, too, we want to get the causality correct: audacity doesn't make for sociopathy; but the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity.

http://powercommunicating.com/

[Cornfield]

I am finally finding time to read the excellent articles posted previously in this section and find them to be very helpful.  The explanation fully describes some of my out-of-town relatives who seem to major in exploitiveness when they come to town.

They exploit their mother and grandmother to the best possible degree.  Since I am relatively comfortable in my life, I feel like a target of their exploitiveness when in their presence.  I am always on guard for some plan to benefit from my generosity, and although I love being a generous person, I am unwilling to become a fool and be taken advantage of.  My recently deceased aunt was always on the lookout at family parties, as she could sense the tension in a room when one relative was present, or on the prowl in my home. 

The two of us agreed that I should recognize potential conning activities that would benefit the relative at my expense.  Therefore I have a policy of not ever letting my guard down just because the person is a relative.  I am not vulnerable to this.

It is a shame that we must live this way, but I know I have saved myself much grief by being noncommittal to problem solving in one family.  Once in a while I donate an unneeded item but that's about the extent of my relationship.  Boundaries are a wonderful thing for living a more peaceful life. 

You can't really help people.  They must be encouraged to help themselves.  You can help them progress a little faster, but the matter begins with the person who realizes they need help.  Support is another matter which comes later.  Baby steps in a positive direction are a step that the person is ready for support.

I understand this subject quite well now.

Cornfield

[CZBZ]

"Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive ("malignant") narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy."~Steve Becker

Exploitive people can justify their behavior which is why they have no remorse. They're self-serving and self-centered first and foremost so whatever it takes to get what they want (exploitation), it's justifiable. You Owe Me is the essence of entitlement.

How far will someone go to exploit others? As far as other people let them go.

Remember this wisdom, Cornfield? "GIVE a man a fish and you feed him for a day, TEACH a man to fish and you feed him for life".

I hope everyone who has a pot to pee in remembers that because there's always someone looking for a handout which ends up hurting both the giver and the receiver. I probably sound like a mean old biddy writing that, but after 56+ years of life, I've seen a lot of endings to people's sob stories. If you have anything at all, somebody will want a slice of your pie, if not the whole thing.

For years, my father called me The Little Red Hen. Growing her own wheat, grinding her own flour, mixing and kneading dough; sitting it to rest, firing up her ovens and standing in a hot kitchen to take it out at the perfect moment of browning. She did all these things by herself because of course, other folks couldn't be bothered to help. Dad reminded me of that almost every week during my divorce which has been a great gift to me. Even when my self-worth was at its lowest, I was reminded of my generosity, competence and resourcefulness. What I've learned since my marriage ended on such a lousy note accusing me of being a free-loading StayAtHomeMom, is that you can't make somebody love ya just 'cuz you bake excellent bread. If they aren't growing, grinding, kneading and baking it too, they aren't investing themselves in the truly nourishing part of life: hard work and service to others.

I had to turn someone down. Someone who wanted to move in with us since we're already a hodge-podge family, what's one more? It was difficult for me to say 'NO' but it was in the best interests of everyone---even the person who needed a place to stay.

Like I say, if you've got a pot to pee in, you'd best get very comfortable with saying 'No.'


Hugs,
CZ

[Cornfield]

I have had similar experiences, all except one:  Husband never accused me of being a free-loading stay-at-home mom.  Indeed, he wouldn't allow me a bona fide position in the family business because I would notice what he was up to, and he wasn't going to allow that to happen.  Then too, he knew I would work like a hired hand on the farm and in the home, as he was taught a good women should do.

Since he knew he couldn't get away with calling me lazy, he did the only thing left he could think of doing.  He called me mentally ill to my face a number of times, and he told others I had mental problems he could do nothing about.

That is the cruelest thing you can do do a person when your leave the impression that they are hopeless inferior in their mind, because an honest, trusting person will tend to believe the word of the spouse.  I finally stopped him short when I announced that I had taken his advice and  sought a psychiatrist.  When he asked what the doctor said, I paused and replied "you don't want to know."  He never did that again, but  he continued to believe I was nuts or twisted in some way. 

On his death bed, he gave a few instructions to the kids and then told them reluctantly that their mother "was a pretty good wife."  The tone of voice showed his disappointment in my performance.  I was inferior to him, no doubt about it. 

I keep telling myself that I committed 50 years of my life to caring for and keeping Huband off the streets and out of jail.  He managed to die without bankruptcy, murdering someone, or being beat up in an alley in revernge.
I will always feel good about creating a sense of normalcy for a man who was incapable of providing sanely for himself or anyone else.   I know that I looked after an unfortunate soul while doing God's work on earth.  I can think of a number of young, envious women who wouldn't have been able to measure up to the job.  I also get credit for caring for an institutionally placed retarded hired man in our home for 30 years, which was forced upon me with no gratitude or consideration of my work load while pregant for three lovely children, most of the time sick and unable to remain on my feet without vomiting. 

I remember the Christmas he bodily picked me up and carried me to the car and drove me to the family Christmas dinner where I was expected to eat deer meat even though I was vomiting steadily.  I was treated like luggage.
That's enough stories for a while. 

My life is wonderful and fullfilling now, and I expect it to continue.  Perhaps that is the way it was supposed to happen.  I just returned from a lovely, warm birthday dinner for Grandson.  I couldn't ask for more love and devotion right now in my life.  It is enough.

Cornfield

[Cornfield]

I have been thinking about the "pot to pee in" and how it affects my personal relationships, family or not.

What I observe is that people really want to exploit you because they believe you owe them something, especially relatives.  This part I understand.  Perhaps they think you are too dense to recognize that you are bing exploited.
Or perhaps their lacking in self-esteem causes them to believe that evening the financial or possesion score will make them feel better about not working as hard or not saving in the past for the desired wordly possessions.

What really confuses me is that my sister coveted the junk items in my mother's estate and left the nicer things for me to drag home and decide how to dispose of them.   My husband saved junk and didn't appreciate the finer things in life, except if it was gaudy or hopelessly inappropriate to his lifestyle.  He liked to impress but failed at many efforts to suceed in doing so.

My SIL has diamonds she inherited and won't or can't decide to recycle them and make them enjoyable and useful.

I saved for everything I bought because I was not allowed to borrow money.  Only Husband was allowed that privilege.  I have not eaten in a fast food restaurant for months, saving small amounts by cooking for myself.
I am generous to the core, and always looking for someone who can use my unneeded possessions.

I really think it is the money others covet, not the pot that I pee in.

Cornfield

[Cornfield]

I used the link to Steve Becker and read a number of his blogs which resonate precisely to my experiences.   This man has a way of putting real life issues so that anyone can pick up on the conflict and seek sane solutions.  That was what I was unable to do for so many years.  It gets to the point where labeling doesn't seem to matter anymore.

You know after reading Steve Becker that it is time to get out of the relationships as quickly as possible, and preferrably alive so you can begin new lives in peace.

Very good reading and very helpful to my understanding.

Cornfield

[indigo554]

I wonder whether these covetous people don't really want the thing itself - the money, the pot to pee in or whatever - but they think they do because they can see that someone else values it?  They can see that the other person is happier than them and they think that if they have what that other person has, they will be happier too?  And because they don't really know how to be happy or to value things, they think that life/other people owe them something - so it is OK to 'steal' someone else's belongings, husband, peace of mind...  sadly when they get home with their 'treasure' they may find, like the girl in the fairy tale, that it has just turned into a lot of dead leaves.  Because the only thing that made it valuable in the first place was that someone else loved it...

[CZBZ]

"Because the only thing that made it valuable in the first place was that someone else loved it... "

WHOAH...that is sooooooooooo true, Indigo! What a poignant insight!


Hugs,
CZ

[Jacintae]

Hi

I just came accross this thread today by chance. I am so, so grateful to have found it. Bless everyone who wrote in it - it helped me such a lot in the situation I am in right now. I am going to put my pot safely back under my bed and hide it.

Love to all
Jac xxx

[CZBZ]

Thank YOU for bumping this thread, Jacintae! I didn't even recall writing about my father's nickname for me: The Little Red Hen and a couple of days ago, I wrote a mini-novella on my blog about being the Red Hen on a message board that nearly dissolved when the sky fell down. I'm so very glad to find this little snippet...

"the exploitive mentality will make for staggering audacity." ~Steve Becker

Exactly what "I" needed to read today!! Audacity is the perfect word to describe the exploitative character! We might say to ourselves, "How DARE they?" but what we're pointing to is their 'audacity'.


Hugs,
CZ

[NewWings4MeNow]

I zeroed in on this article right away.  With the list of violations, purposeful damages done to me by XNH and the things he took and stole from me, in exploitative fashion, without empathy, I believe I get Mr. Becker's drift loud and clear.  

Doing/going after whatever other people want remains a curiosity in my mind re: XNH.  Clearly XNMIL has been money-hungry, and XNH loves his luxuries.  Yet last spring during one of our meetings he told me he'd prefer to be home gardening.  So who is he really and what kind of life does he want to be pursuing really (that he isn't) instead of flying around the planet half of every month and married to a "city slicker" though he loves the mountains?  I'll likely never know.

Thanks, CZ, for posting this.  Based on my experience, XNH's tendencies are on both sides of the N/P equation.

NewWings4MeNow

[alatariel]

I wonder whether these covetous people don't really want the thing itself - the money, the pot to pee in or whatever - but they think they do because they can see that someone else values it?  They can see that the other person is happier than them and they think that if they have what that other person has, they will be happier too?  And because they don't really know how to be happy or to value things, they think that life/other people owe them something - so it is OK to 'steal' someone else's belongings, husband, peace of mind...  sadly when they get home with their 'treasure' they may find, like the girl in the fairy tale, that it has just turned into a lot of dead leaves.  Because the only thing that made it valuable in the first place was that someone else loved it...

I just ran across this thread, and had to pick this quote, b/c it's so true of the troll!

[smp]

From Steve Becker - The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)

It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.

Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards — he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.

However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer's perspective, "capitulation" may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.

As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn't do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).

I do believe pigface is wanting me to bow to him - I will not. (Like agreeing to pay the IRS for something that was hidden from me) I will continue on my path, walking through whatever I need to with open eyes. In so many ways I am so very grateful to be out of that insanity. I will continue to heal and not "capitulate" to anyone. Yes, I want this done and over with, it is not here - yet. Does he really think I am going to "give in?" I still so strongly feel as if others need to be warned about him - I do nothing about it now. Feels like a moral dilemma to me. I am related to a saint in the catholic church who was drawn and quartered for his beliefs - hope I don't have to be!!

[alatariel]

Stand firm, like bedrock! 

BTW, that bit about the silent treatment is really relevant to me.  One constant problem I had with the troll was the silent treatment.  She would basically erase my existence from any group we were in.  Not only would she completely ignore me if other ppl were around, she would monopolize all conversation so that everyone else was forced to ignore me as well. 

If I tried to join in, she would treat me the same way an indulgent adult treats an overexcited 5-yr-old who interrupts your "grownup talk" to tell you about her new puppy.  She'd let me have my say, metaphorically pat me on the head, and with a comment along the lines of "that's nice, dear" she'd go back to her conversation as though I hadn't even spoken.

At that point, the only thing I could do is retreat into silence, anything else would have made ME look like the dumba$$.