I'm back!

[gardengirl]

I haven't checked in with you all in a while, and wanted to say hello, and that I still think of you all! I am new to this new forum, so I hope I'm posting correctly.

As an update to my life, I am still proceeding with my divorce. I finally sit down with my STBX on Feb. 18 to hash through the paperwork and such. He continues to live with his GF, who is apparently going to school to be a doctor, which freaked me out a bit to hear, because she is just 23 now, and I put him through school, which just seems all backwards... He apologized once for abandoning me, but it came just before another rant. I've learned to detach. He accuses me of not being nice. I'm not mean; I'm just neutral. I have to be, to stay okay... And most of the time, I am okay.

I did start dating four months ago, and it is going well, but I'm taking it slow. I liked him at first, but have been so cautious. He has been so patient. I take plenty of time to myself, so that I have perspective. He's not perfect. He has A.D.D. But he has wonderful boundaries with other women, and he is very very good at listening, and he doesn't deflect. He takes responsibility for his mistakes. So that is very refreshing. And we enjoy one another. We laugh a lot, and we have very similar values, things like living simply and enjoying creativity and family. He is attracted to me but really doesn't seem to care at all if I primp, which is totally opposite of my H, and I think is a good sign. Time will tell.

I still grieve, but it isn't so much the loss of my husband as the loss of the status and financial security and his outward appearance of having it all together. I am now facing selling my house, but if I do, I will take a loss. I'm learning how to do my own corporate taxes. I managed to secure more work for the time being, so I'm feeling better overall. My mind is slowly healing, but I still have nights when I wake up in a panic. I know this is going to take a long time, but I see progress in the way I feel, act, and am able to function.

I am experiencing this strange sensation lately, like the world I valued so much, that of achievement and glitz, to a degree (because my H was an accomplished academic, and we operated in a somewhat flashy circle), is simply fading away. In its place is ME... The me that I forgot a long time ago. I feel joy, but it has nothing to do with what I own. I get joy in the small creative moments I have. It's much simpler. Sometimes I wonder if I'm selling out, ducking out or something, although I'm still achieving success at work. I'm just no longer placing my eggs in that basket so much.

I also feel like my desire to hang out with my previous friends is waning, because they were all in that circle of achievement and having it all together. I no longer have the same level of income to spend. I likely need to continue to expand my friendships, but for now, I'm somewhat content to just have a few people close to me, and enjoy my kids, and heal. Is this normal? I don't like to think I'm becoming a hermit. :-) And my friends have continued to be kind to me, but in some way I don't feel like I fit in. Maybe this is normal with divorce.

I just found out tonight that my mom has been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Does anyone know much about this? My father also tried to commit suicide when he was in college, so I'm concerned about this mental illness in my family. I do fine, have been stable, except under extreme stress such as this past year. My 5 year old daughter has mood swings that are pretty severe.

Anyway, in general I'm doing much better, and I'm so thankful to you all. Blessings...

[practicaljude]

Hello,

You sound great!  When I read your post the first time I got this feeling of "one day at a time" which I really admire.  When I started posting, and for some time after, I WANTED IT OVER AND OVER...NOW!  It took me so long to 'go with the flow' and accept the ups and downs, backward and forward motions of healing.  The saying about how healing does not occur in a straight line couldn't be more accurate.  Personally, I was off the charts some days and I'd get frustrated because I thought I'd been doing so well.  I experienced the flip side as well; when all of a sudden I feltl extremely calm and at peace with chaos all around me.

Healing hasn't changed except for the frequency and the extemes - my mood stays more even keel and somewhat balanced. And, believing that healing is life-long, it's helped me to be patient and trust change will occur and how to deal with it.

Guess I'm bringing all of this up because you will be meeting with him soon and beginning the divorce process - both emotionally demanding. Come back and post as needed.  I've come to learn and appreciate how walking down this path with fellow healing women has saved my life and I sure want to be here for you when you want to talk.

 
Jude

[CZBZ]

"I just found out tonight that my mom has been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Does anyone know much about this? My father also tried to commit suicide when he was in college, so I'm concerned about this mental illness in my family. I do fine, have been stable, except under extreme stress such as this past year. My 5 year old daughter has mood swings that are pretty severe." ~Gardengirl

Dear Gardengirl,

Depression runs in my family, too. Even though I never would have considered myself to be depressed, we ARE impacted by a partNer who is unpredictable, unchanging and emotionally distanced. Many people seek alternative ways to meet their emotional needs; like establishing close relationships with people who are capable of intimate connections. Good Friends can validate our worth even if the narcissist cannot.

What's sad is that many people do not seek external support which only increases their risk of depression because they are too reliant on the narcissist to meet their emotional, spiritual and social needs. It sounds like you've always had friends---though what you're seeking now is a more intimate relationship with them rather than distraction, or entertainment.

I don't know that this is true for everyone, but depression may the partner's typical reaction to a narcissistic relationship. Who wouldn't feel defeated if they had no impact on the most intimate person in their lives? If we are ignorant about pathological narcissism, we'll blame ourselves for relational problems. That leads to depression since the problem is not ours and therefore, we cannot resolve it.

Being rejected or abandoned by the narcissist also has a detrimental impact on our feelings of self-worth and value. That's true for everyone who experienced betrayal. We have to watch ourselves and make sure we are not allowing 'depression' to grow deep roots...that means taking care of ourselves and paying attention to any signs of depression.

If we need to seek outside intervention, we should Take Good Care of Ourselves by talking with a physician and using medication if prescribed.

More and more people are being diagnosed with Bipolar but that's because psychologists know more about this mental illness and are better able to diagnose bipolar than they could many years ago. There is a genetic link for bipolar in families though not everyone develops this disorder even if they had bipolar parents. I think the key thing is to learn about the signs of depression and be very honest with yourself about yourself. Don't ignore or deny the possibility---ask for help. There's excellent support for people with bipolar today and the good news is that bipolar can be MANAGED with medication and therapeutic intervention. Especially bipolar-II.

Extreme mood swings are early warning signs for Bipolar in young children; but your daughter's mood swings may be environmental. I think divorce is very hard on our children, whether we admit it or not. Bless your children's hearts! I know this is not what you wanted to happen to your family. It's heartbreaking but so is watching a father disrespect a child's mother. In that case, divorce is truly a blessing. When YOU stand up for yourself, your children learn to stand up for themselves.

When we've given the narcissist second, third and hundreds of chances to change and they still refuse to take responsibility for the damage they're doing to people who love them, the only recourse is to END the relationship. 


Hugs,

CZ