Hi,
After NH's recent tricks my therapist recommended I read ' The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout. My psychologist is concerned, and has mentioned before, that NH seems to have symptoms of sociopathy. Stout is a psychologist with lots of experience working with traumatized victims of sociopaths / AKA-psychopaths who had family, spouses, and strangers that affected them deeply.
Her main points are that sociopaths have absolutely no moral conscience, no emotions other than selfishness, and the desire to win, and therefore no ability to love anyone whatsoever. Depending on their intelligence and level of ambition, sociopaths may become dictators, ruthless businessmen, or lazy louts, but to them, getting their way is a stimulating game and it is the only point in their selfish lives.
She states that anything that looks like a gentle emotional response from a sociopath is all an act, even warmth towards a pet. They also have the Ns charm and lack of empathy, but Stout maintains that Ns are capable of intense emotions, even loving emotions, but that Ns have a complete absence of empathy for how things affect others around them. Another distinction she makes between Ns and sociopaths is that Ns are frequently miserable on many levels, while sociopaths are quite content, even if they are caught and jailed.
She puts the number of sociopaths at around 4% of the population, or 1 in 25.
I liked several things about this book including the interesting case studies showing a variety of people with very different personalities (all equally selfish and ruthless).
What I took issue with was her black and white view of this disorder that I understand to be a spectrum disorder. In Stout's view either you are in that 4 % of absolute immoral evil or you are in the 96 % of us who have a conscience.
My experience is that NH is absolutely an N, but shows strong sociopathic traits as well. He also has some morals and would not think it was OK to steal or kill (or else he really has me fooled....) I think her definition doesn't really make a place for Malignant Ns and yet to me there is ample evidence that some folks are solidly a mix of sociopath and N.
When asked how to identify sociopaths she offers an interesting single measure. She does not advise us to look for the lack of conscience (since they are such good actors/manipulators). Rather she says that the universal underpinning of the sociopath is the "pity play", the manipulative grab for our sympathy. Because our pity lets them get away with so much; it disarms us, gets us cooperative, while excusing the sociopaths bad behaviors all at the same time. As an obvious example she names the physically abusive husband who has just beaten his wife and then sits crying about how he is such a poor damaged wretch who cannot control himself and asks for forgiveness and pity...... Or murderers who complain that the victim "made them do it" by a look or word. This is an interesting approach and I wish she had given more lines to fleshing out examples that are less violent.
There is an interesting section on Nature versus Nurture, but is is to hazy for me to spell out here. I ended up feeling like I understood more clearly how NH got to be so damaged in spite of what looks like a happy family background. That had always caused me to doubt his diagnosis, but there are clear red flags in his background according to Stout, and they match up with the suspicions I had all along.
Stout gives advice on how we can judge who to trust or rather who NOT to Trust:
"""" When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for your pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person's forehead as you will ever be given. A person whose behavior includes both of these features is not necessarily a mass murderer, or even violent at all, but is still probably not someone you should closely befriend, take on as your business partner ask to take care of your children, or marry. """"
Well that sounds like everybody's NH at the very least, as well as every abusive (physically or verbally) person I have ever met........more than just 4 % of the population for sure so she is diluting her diagnosis a bit.
Overall, this is an informative read. THere is a lot of real science, good case studies (composites mostly, not actual), and she references a lot of other material on sociopaths. I would recommend it for anyone who wants to help themselves detach from an Ns emotional grasp, especially a Malignant N. It will help you feel better about yourself having a conscience even as you are trying to get out from under the boot of a manipulative, possibly sociopathic N.
gardengal
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