Too Much Empathy? by Nina W. Brown

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Too Much Empathy?
by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC

Sara dreaded hearing the telephone ring in the morning, as it was most likely one of her family members wanting her to do something for them. No matter how hard she tried to ignore the ringing, she was unable to. Almost every time she answered the phone, it was an aunt, uncle, mother, grandmother, brother, or another family member asking her to do a favor for them.

She never refused the request, even though she felt that they were taking advantage of her. Jed wondered if his wife would be very upset if he stopped at Bill’s house on the way home as he had done for the past two weeks. Nancy, his wife, had begun to make comments about all the time he spent over there. Jed hoped that she would understand that his friend needed him as he was going through the breakup of his relationship, and Jed felt his pain and loneliness. He really felt that his friend needed him, but that Nancy did not appreciate his caring for his friend.

If asked why they were so responsive in spite of their feeling, or the inconvenience, Sara and Jed would likely reply that they had too much empathy. They felt strongly that others needed them, they could feel what others were feeling, and had to do something to make them feel better. You too may be like Sara and Jed and think that you have too much empathy, and find that you are overly responsive to others’ feelings and concerns. If you feel that you have too much empathy, think again. It is really a case of “catching others emotions,” but it is not empathy.

If you have ever felt paralyzed, overwhelmed, or caught up in other people’s feelings, and either felt like running away, or that you were expected to do  something about their feelings; then you understand what it is like to “catch” other people’s feelings.

You, and others, may think that you care too much for other people, and/or that you are too empathic, when actually you do not have sufficient boundary strength to prevent catching other’s emotions, nor are you able to keep from identifying with those emotions, and acting to reduce them. Typically the outcome is that you carry the emotions for the person, which allows that person to “feel better.”

They did not resolve what produced the emotion; instead, they gave it away and you accepted it. This scenario is a major premise for, Whose life is it anyway?: When to stop taking care of their feelings and start taking care of your own (Brown, 2002).

Family Enmeshment

Lack of sufficient boundary strength and susceptibility to “catching” other people’s feelings begin with family enmeshment. The family is where you learn to take care of other people’s feelings, and to give their feelings and needs priority over your feelings and needs. This is a trap that allows you to be manipulated or intimated to do things you do not want to do, and/or are not in your best interest just because you were conditioned to feel responsible for the psychological and emotional well-being of other people.

You may even have been a parentified child where you took care of a parent’s psychological and emotional needs instead of the parent taking care of yours. This experience caused your not being able to develop sufficient boundary strength to repel external assaults from “senders” who are trying to get rid of their uncomfortable feelings, manipulate you to do what they want you to do, and are self-absorbed.

As a “catcher,” you take in the uncomfortable feelings, and allow yourself to be manipulated by your feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings are triggered by the thought that you are not taking care of the sender, and are not able  block these internal and external feelings well enough to take care of yourself.

Being Enmeshed

Some of the following behaviors, feelings and attitudes are symptomatic of being enmeshed.

• You cannot say no to one or more family members even when you have to make considerable personal sacrifices to take care of their needs, wishes, desires,

and requests.

• You take the responsibility for the harmony, happiness and well-being of adults in your family.

• Whenever there is a family or social event, you work hard to ensure harmony.

• You feel blamed when things do not go smoothly, or right for family members.

• You get very upset when you have to say, “no” to a family member.

• You are fulfilling one or both parents’ dreams for you.

• There are many times when you feel overwhelmed with family responsibilities, and wish that you just had more time for yourself.

• There are times when you feel that family members take advantage of you and your good nature.


Long Term Effects

If you are enmeshed or overwhelmed by other’s feelings, you can suffer some long term physical and psychological effects. You may not connect them to your family of origin experiences, but, until you are more separated and develop your own personal identity, you may not be able to effectively address many of these effects.

Do you have several of the following conditions?

• Chronic physical health problems such as hypertension.

• Long-term depression unconnected to a specific event.

• Feel that your life lacks meaning and purpose.

• Few meaningful and satisfying relationships.

• A feeling that life is passing you by.

• Lack of power and control over your life.

• A yearning for meaningful connections.

• Feeling closed in.

• Wanting desperately to get away.

 
Becoming Overwhelmed

You do not have too much empathy, what really happens is that you end up with other people’s unwanted feelings because your emotional shielding is not sufficient to repel external and internal assaults on yourself, and you become overwhelmed. However, once empathy is defined, one can better understand why catching other people’s feelings are not empathy. True empathy occurs when you open yourself to experience what the other person is feeling without losing your sense of yourself as separate and distinct from that person. It is the last part that many people who catch emotions lack; they do not have the ability to stay connected to oneself, and to deeply know and understand that the other person is not an extension of oneself.

The concept, extensions of self, is abstract and complex and cannot be fully explained here. There is a broader discussion for this in Children of the self-absorbed (Brown, 2001), and in “The destructive narcissistic pattern” (Brown, 1998). This article offers you some idea of what is meant by that concept. Examples of an inability to see others as separate and distinct from your self include any of the following.

• Naming children derivatives of parents’ names, or the son as “Junior.”

• Using others’ possessions without first asking permission.

• Choosing children or partner’s friends, careers, or even their clothing to be what you like.

• Making decisions for family members without any consultation.

• Giving orders and expecting that they will be promptly obeyed.

• Volunteering your children or partner’s services without first asking.

• Touching others, such as hugs and kisses, without first asking permission.

• Expectations that others can read your mind, and know what you want or mean.

• Becoming angry when others do not do what you want them to do.

 
Psychological Boundaries

When you have a good understanding of where you end, and where other people begin, you are well on your way to developing sufficient psychological boundary strength. Discussed in Whose life is it anyway? are several psychological boundaries: strong and resilient, soft, spongy and rigid.

Strong and resilient boundaries are those that are flexible enough to let someone in, and inflexible enough to repel assaults. Soft boundaries occur when people lack psychic strength. These are the people who can easily become enmeshed or overwhelmed. Rigid or inflexible boundaries are held by people who are fearful of becoming enmeshed or overwhelmed and will not let anyone in. Spongy boundaries are a combination of soft and rigid where large parts of the self are closed to the person, and he/she is unaware of becoming enmeshed or overwhelmed. People with strong and resilient boundaries are able to decide:

• When to stop taking care of others’ feelings.

• When their feelings are most important, and self-care is appropriate.

• To use emotional shielding appropriately.

• To open self to being empathic, but do not “catch” others’ feelings.

• That they have control of their lives and their feelings to a sufficient degree.

 
Stop Catching Emotions

How can you protect yourself from catching others’ emotions? How can you prevent your uncomfortable feelings from becoming triggered by contact with other’s emotions? The first situation is an external assault where the other person is sending or projecting their feelings of iscomfort, and you are open to catching them. The second is an internal assault where your uncomfortable feelings are set off because of your unresolved issues, such as family of origin issues, unfinished business from past experiences, and old parental messages. The external assault can be easier to repel or prevent than can the internal assault as the latter calls for an awareness of, and working through these unresolved issues. However, even the more difficult prevention of an internal assault can be somewhat implemented by prevention of the external assault where you do not catch others’ emotions; thereby, reducing the chances of having you identify with and act on the caught feelings.

The following suggestions and strategies can help you to stop catching others’ emotions.

• Develop your emotional shielding.

• Stay alert to the possibility that you are susceptible to “catching” emotions.

• Use some simple nonverbal behaviors to ward off “catching.”

• When you begin catching other’s feelings, monitor your emotions to prevent further harm.

• Use distracting behavior.

Emotional shielding is visualizing a barrier between you and the other person. This barrier allows the words to get through, but stops their feelings from getting through to you. Your shield will be personal for you. That is, it can be whatever you think will do the job to protect you. Your shield can be a curtain, a brick or steel wall, a shade, force field, or battle shield. There are many ways to visualize your shield.

Stay alert to the possibility that you are susceptible to catching others’ emotions. Just accept this about yourself until you have time to strengthen your  boundaries, and set your emotional shielding in place to protect yourself. Simple nonverbal behaviors, such as the following can be very helpful to prevent you from catching others’ emotions.

• Turn your body slightly away from the other person.

• Do not maintain eye contact. Look at the person’s forehead, across their shoulder, or around the room.

• Put something between you and the person, for example a purse, pillow, table, chair, etc.

• Attend to something on your person, such as clothes, hair, fingernails, etc.

These are the opposite of showing interest, and that you are really listening to the other person. Distracting behaviors can be very effective at protecting you. Change the topic, call someone over to join you, turn away, pick up something from the floor, or take stuff out of your pocket or purse; the list is long. The behavior will distract you, and the other person.

There may be times when you are unaware of the snare and start to be captured by the other person’s emotions. Do not give up, or give in. Instead, start to think to keep from becoming ensnared by their feelings. Think of your emotional shielding, and quickly put it in place. Some feelings will have gotten through, but many more can be repelled. Thinking can also remind you to use your nonverbal withdrawal strategies. These suggestions will work as the short-term barriers.

However, you do not want them to become your habitual behavior as they will negatively affect your other relationships that you want to maintain. This means that you should consciously use the strategies, be aware of using them, and understand that these are short-term strategies. The long-term solution is to build your psychological boundaries to be strong and resilient.



Dr. Nina W. Brown is a professor and eminent scholar of counseling in the Educational Leadership and Counseling Department at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia. She received her doctorate from The College of William and Mary and additional training in group psychotherapy from the American Group Psychotherapy Association. Dr. Brown is a licensed professional counselor, a nationally certified counselor and the author of 13 published books. Her latest books are Working with the Self-Absorbed (New Harbinger) and The Unfolding Life: Counseling Across the Lifespan (with Parker; Greenwood Press). You may contact Dr. Brown by email at nbrown@odu.edu.