"Warning over narcissistic pupils" from the BBC News

[CZBZ]

From the BBC News:

 "[Schools] are not surrogate psychologists or mental health professionals" ~Dr Carol Craig


Warning over narcissistic pupils
 
By Katherine Sellgren

BBC News, at the ASCL conference

The growing expectation placed on schools and parents to boost pupils' self-esteem is breeding a generation of narcissists, an expert has warned.

Dr. Carol Craig said children were being over-praised and were developing an "all about me" mentality.

She said teachers increasingly faced complaints from parents if their child failed a spelling test or did not get a good part in the school pantomime. Schools needed to reclaim their role as educators, not psychologists, she said.

Dr Craig, who is chief executive of the centre for confidence and well-being in Scotland, was speaking at the Association of School and College Leaders conference in Birmingham.

Negative characteristic

She told head teachers the self-esteem agenda, imported from the United States, was a "a big fashionable idea" that had gone too far.

She said an obsession with boosting children's self-esteem was encouraging a narcissistic generation who focussed on themselves and felt "entitled".

"Narcissists make terrible relationship partners, parents and employees. It's not a positive characteristic. We are in danger of encouraging this," she said.

"And we are kidding ourselves if we think that we aren't going to undermine learning if we restrict criticism.

"Parents no longer want to hear if their children have done anything wrong. This is the downside of the self-esteem agenda.

"I'm not saying it's of no value… but you get unintentional consequences."


Parental responsibility

Since 2007, there has been a statutory responsibility on schools in England to improve pupils' well-being and primary and secondary schools are increasingly teaching social and emotional skills.

Indeed it is possible that Ofsted inspectors will soon appraise schools' performance in this area; and well-being could be one of the measures used in the school report card system that the government wants to introduce.

But Dr Craig told head teachers that this was not the role of schools.

"Schools have to hold out that they are educational establishments," she said.

"They are not surrogate psychologists or mental health professionals."

Learning about feelings from a professional in a classroom did not send out a positive message, she added.

And she warned there was a danger the more schools taught emotional well-being, the less parents would take responsibility.

"We run the risk of undermining the family as the principal agent of sociability," she said.

 

If you're interested, you can retrieve a six-minute audio interview with Dr. Carol Craig by scrolling down towards the middle of the BBC News article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/7943906.stm

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Pupils need 'happiness lessons'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/6618431.stm

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UK is accused of failing children

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6359363.stm

"The Children's Commissioner for England, Professor Sir Al Aynsley-Green, said: "We are turning out a generation of young people who are unhappy, unhealthy, engaging in risky behaviour, who have poor relationships with their family and their peers, who have low expectations and don't feel safe." "

     CHILD WELL-BEING TABLE  from Unicef

     1. Netherlands
     2. Sweden
     3. Denmark
     4. Finland
     5. Spain
     6. Switzerland
     7. Norway
     8. Italy
     9. Republic of Ireland
     10. Belgium
     11. Germany
     12. Canada
     13. Greece
     14. Poland
     15. Czech Republic
     16. France
     17. Portugal
     18. Austria
     19. Hungary
     20. United States
     21. United Kingdom

     To read Unicef report (PDF format), click here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/bsp/hi/pdfs/13_02_07_nn_unicef.pdf

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[honeybearII]

I work in a school that could be the poster child for this time of idiotic mess.  These kids are incredibly self-centered and by the time they are in 4th grade they are rude, boastful, mean and bullying to other kids.  And I am talking about kids who have EVERYTHING - especially SAHM's who are so overly invested in their children that they have custom-made valentines for a kid's class party.

One kid failed that little President's Physical Fitness test and the parents hired a personal trainer and then asked the PE teacher if the kid could take the test over.  The child was in the First Grade. 

Children NEED to fail.   They NEED to have their limits tested and their emotions strengthened and their coping skills honed by coming up against stone walls as children.  If they don't, they will go into the world thinking they are All That and a Bag of Chips and are totally and completely unprepared for what we all face at some time - the F-word - FAILURE.  We cannot be good at everything.  We have to learn, as children, where our skills and talents lay, and we need to figure that out through failing at some things.  We, as a country, need to get over the whole idea that children should be protected from anything negative.  It is a stupid and dangerous thing to continually be interjecting ourselves and setting ourselves up as mediators between our children and life's lessons.

We are there to help them make good, healthy choices but let them be THEIR choices.  And if they fail, then let them fail and be there to help them up, listen to them, let them cry on our shoulder, and then push them out for the next test of failure.  If we do that we can pretty much guarantee that as adults they will know how to pick themselves up and move on when things don't work out exactly as planned.

Honey

[CZBZ]

I discovered this article right after a problem my daughter had at work with a teen-age employee who promptly ran home to Mom and Pop when her 'work review' failed to sustain her grandiosity. What a mess, that was! My daughter is the manager of a company store that works very hard to live up to it's professed principles by encouraging employees to become responsible people through their work experience. I watch my daughter struggle with everything this article points out about our narcissistic youth who expect to BE the manager's peer.

When my daughter delivered the 'bad news' to this young woman, she talked everything over with me first, trying to find a way to encourage her employee to meet the responsibilities of the job. She was cautious and yet, direct with her performance review, hoping to avoid a potentially volatile situation. (Employee is Daddy's Princess)

I don't suppose employees realize how difficult it is for a manager to thoughtfully consider how they might best encourage self-development without hurting an employee's self-confidence.

Well, what happened? Employee ran home in tears and my daughter recieved an irate phone call from over-protective Daddy within half-an-hour.

"How dare you accuse my daughter of insubordination just because she won't conform to the dress code! She doesn't like to tuck in her shirt!"

"How dare you suggest my daughter's career be compromised by the fact that she's late 90% of the time! As long as she shows up, what's five minutes?"

"How dare you ruin her self-esteem by telling her she cannot roll her eyes at customers who she tells me treat her like a servant!"

Blah blah blah and on and on and on.

I've also heard from other people, that our 20somethings are very difficult to deal with. They expect to be treated like seasoned employees without recognizing the value of 'years of experience.' They see themselves as being on a par with experienced managers who have ten, twenty or even thirty years in the workplace. Why do they see themselves as peers?

Well, since I asked the question, I'll offer my opinion: Their parents TREAT them like peers. Add to that GRAVE error, parental interference whenever their child is criticized or evaluated as anything less than perfection and we have a perfect example of ENMESHMENT. If Mom and Dad are always there to interfere, the child never takes responsibility for him or herself AND they use Mom and Dad to pump up their unrealistic perceptions---leading to FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM.

Maybe other people are having problems with 'narcissistic youth'...not to use a broad brush and say ALL kids are narcissistic but there sure seems to be an increased sense of entitlement and a resistence to Growing Up and Getting Real.


Hugs,
CZ

[Cornfield]

Right on, team!  I have been struggling with this issue for many years, and don't seem to be able to get folks to see the difference between teaching self-esteem, which is the result of accomplishment, and self-respect, which is the essential ingredient in producing accomplishment, which leads to self-esteem.
As a vocational teacher, I struggled with special education students who were expected to learn vocational skills in lieu of academic skills, as if this would somehow serve them well in the work force and cover up their lack of responsibility to do work.

It simply doesn't work, and produces unemployable young people who think they are entitled to a job because their special education teacher told them they were wonderful.
I listened as my grandson's first grade teacher told every student their reading was wonderful, and they couldn't even read!  No it was not all wonderful!   It is dream world education, the same as adults who live in a dream world when they are lacking skills for living in reality. 

Now that we understand the seriousness of the problem, what are we doing in our personal and professional lives to remedy this narcissistic thinking?

My adult sons will have a deadline to move the junk they put on my drive at the barns or it will be removed for them.   This place is not a junkyard, they can't keep all that they carried in here, and reality is going to prevail.  My daughter has warned them that Mother Superior is on the warpath.  They can't let go!   Daddy Superior is gone and the rules have changed.  The place will be cleaned.  There will be accountability even if I have to pay to have the stuff removed.   Now that they have other jobs, they can't possibly use the stuff they saved anyway.  If they need something in the future, they can choose better than rusted, outdated parts for their projects.  It is no savings to save junk.   And you can get cash for junk!

As children my sons learned from their father that they were privileged and entitled.
The party is over.  Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead.  We are home from Oz.

Cornfield

[practicaljude]

Schools have to hold out that they are educational establishments," she said.

"They are not surrogate psychologists or mental health professionals."

Parent’s struggle, especially during separation and divorce, with what to tell the children, how much reality can their kids handle and how much pain is too much pain.  Many times wounded parents overcompensate by shielding their kids from the unpleasantness of everyday happenings by sending covert and overt messages ranging from, “Honey, you don’t have to talk about it” to “let’s focus on the fun times and forget daddy exists.”  The well-meaning parent ends up taking on the emotional burden for the entire family and the child misses out on the opportunity for emotional growth.

I've had both personal and professional experiences "helping" kids learn to cope. As a mental health professional, over the years I’ve watched kids carry and conceal the conflicted things they hear and see inside of them – not by choice, but because it’s their reality.  They’re naturally curious and upbeat; they’re naturally cautious and torn, finding their way to what’s right for them. Most kids have antenna, meaning they are acutely intuitive.  And from what I’ve seen they experience pain, as well as joy, no matter how we attempt to protect them from life’s’ hurts.

Their emotional development is not any different than ours.  If we never had the N in our lives we wouldn’t have to learn, to feel our way through the pain associated with his behaviors.  But, he presented to us a challenge; a way to grow from pain and we gained the tools to get through painful experiences.  A reality in life…there will always be pain to cope with.  Mental health for kids becomes not removing all the pain, but allowing their feelings so they can also develop the tools for the future.

Being a well-meaning auntie, aligning with my niece in an attempt to protect her kids from pain, my therapist offered a different perspective of protection.  As the fearless, curious kids opened up to me, mom and dad, they were watching our reactions, waiting to see how we’d handle situations that presented in direct conflict with another adult.  She reminded me kids are hungry to learn; they deserve the opportunity to watch how mom handles things differently than dad – how dad makes decisions mom wouldn’t make and vice-versa. Allowing kids to feel THEIR feelings, and standing by them as they learn to cope with them, is the best emotional schooling I could offer.
 
She was not suggesting, “Throw them to the wolves.”  I needed to give the kids enough room to make their own choices, learn and adapt new coping skills and support them as they arm themselves for the future.  During therapy, I realized I saw and heard the “bad things” as a child, but I entered my adult life and was ill prepared to deal with them.  With all her good intentions, my mom carried the pain for both of us.  Without the emotional tools, I entered adult life and I wasn’t prepared for many painful realities, the harshest being the pain I felt from N.  I learned I can cope and make my own happiness, even though there’s a wolf around every corner.

It’s not unusual for well-meaning parents to carry their children’s pain and deny them unpleasant moments.  In the name of protection, many kids are starved of watching individuals differ, sorting and separating adult thoughts and feelings from their own and in turn, are denied their ability to cope and learn how to make good choices in the aftermath. Allowing a full gamete of experience and emotion, while standing alongside of them with love and compassion, is the greatest gift we can offer them to help prepare them for their future.

 
Jude

[Lapin]

This is an interesting topic.

Wow, Honey, I thought that parents only acted that way where I live.  Personalized Valentines?  I guess it is all over.

Just to extend PJ's ideas, another thing that hurt my marriage was N had no modeling for how to handle disagreements.  His parents deliberately showed a unified front at all times.  They rarely fought in front of the children.  Normally, this should be a good strategy but the end result was that N did not know how husbands and wives could disagree and argue without name calling, going off topic,etc.  Most importantly, N never got to see how husbands and wives end their fights, reconcile, or compromise.  N would fight with me like a 6 year old.  His role models were his elementary school classmates in the schoolyard instead of his parents. 

He would use language such as, "No you shut up,  Make me!  You should listen to yourself.  I'm telling-----fill in the blank, it could be your mother, your employer and lately it is my lawyer, Take that back!"  It went on and on. 

[CZBZ]

I added another article to our forum today that was published in 2005. I remembered reading it quite awhile ago, so YAYA for being able to find the link again. (You do NOT want to see my monitor screen, LOL). This article reinforces many of the comments people have made on this thread, but prepare yourselves! It's lengthy!

The Overpraised American by Christine Rosen

If you don't want to leave our website to read the article, you can read it on WoN by clicking here:

The Overpraised American by Christine Rosen

You may like some of the points in this article, you may disagree entirely, you may want to smash your computer rather than read the whole thing.  I posted it in our Information section under the topic "Narcissism".

Hugs,
CZBZ

[May]

Everything that has been said here is so true. A lot of kids today have such a since of entitlement. I`ve delt with some of the ones in there 20`s and a lot of them are "no it alls" and very arrogant. I get the since that they think that they are 'above' you. Even when you are 20 years older than they are.I worked one day with a girl in her 20`s and I told myself that I wouldn`t work with her again. Well, she ended up getting fired.

[RB22]

My favorite soapbox subject... well lately anyway.

My kids started playing sports at the YMCA... everybody played, no one kept scores, everybody got a trophy.. not one kid was singled out for a special award.  It was a great way to introduce young kids (3,4,5yo) to sports.  At 6,7,8.9 the kids could count.. so the kids kept score, everyone got a trophy, policy was no kid was singled out for a special award,  Our coach held a vote among the kids for the Most Improved Player and gave that kid a gift Card to the Ice Cream shoppe.   He was the only one to do that.. and caught flack for it.  BUT the kids were the ones who voted... he just did the counting and supplied the 'trophy'  because he felt at this age the kid who improved their skills the most should get some sort of recognition. 

My kids all play(ed) a varsity sport in HS.  This past year the girls soccer coach did not give out awards for best defender, best offensive player, ..the girls gave her a list of most improved freshmen, sophmore, junior, senior  only because they were programmed that it had to be done before the banquet and they took it upon themselves to vote.  As a result, college recruiters looking at this years juniors are stymied.. not one has an award.. all made the all county team...but no team awards... how do you explain this to college coaches when your kid is trying to secure scholarship money?  The reason the coach gave for NOT choosing girls... she didn't want anyone's feelings hurt.  Ugh.... The girls KNOW who worked and who didn't, who tried, who didn't... even those that didn't do well, know that it was because of missed practices... etc.

We are teaching our kids that they can skate by without doing the hard work.... and they will still get a trophy.... for nothing.

Funny thing, my college D's were cleaning out their room (yay) and put a bunch of their trophies into the trash pile... and kept a bunch of others... I asked why this one and not that one?  Turns out the ones they are keeping are the years/teams where the coach said how much they improved in certain skills....etc.. the others everyone got and not much was said about the player.   I thought that was interesting, my kids are keeping the trophies of the teams where the coach took the time to learn about THEM and get to know them.  The ones where my kids were just a number... got tossed.

Makes me wonder what kind of a message we have sent our kids...

 

[LoisLane]

Awesome Post!    

[SusyP14]

I thought this was going to be another post about their 'eyes' ... hahahaha ... I make myself giggle!!!!

[LDW]

I remember showing the Unicef research to my british ex N (no response of course), I found it particularly disturbing to read that the UK children viewed their society as a "dog eat dog" society. Can you imagine? Good lord thank you for saving me from all this, I have come to appreciate my little flat country so much (Holland)...

[tango3]

I noticed the tendency towards this when my younger children started playing T-Ball - everyone played (umm yeah 20 kids on the field at once), no-one "lost" - games were always a draw.  What message did that send?  Aside from the fact that the games went on forever and were incredibly boring,  no-one was actually "taught" the rules of the game, how to throw, how to catch or how to hit.

Oh and I was a cruel, heartless mother when my daughter (now 13) joined the choir and I told her she was wasting her time as she couldn't sing.  She can't sing, she's tone deaf and was always out of tune, I can't sing either but I quickly realised my lack of talent in that area and never attempted to join choirs/bands etc.  She did eventually quit but not before I had to sit through more than one incredibly painful performance.

[CZBZ]

I'm so glad you bumped this old thread, May. Practical Jude's comment (quoted below) was the perfect reminder I needed to hear today:

"It’s not unusual for well-meaning parents to carry their children’s pain and deny them unpleasant moments.  In the name of protection, many kids are starved of watching individuals differ, sorting and separating adult thoughts and feelings from their own and in turn, are denied their ability to cope and learn how to make good choices in the aftermath. Allowing a full gamete of experience and emotion, while standing alongside of them with love and compassion, is the greatest gift we can offer them to help prepare them for their future. " ~Practical Jude


Last week, a teacher in Texas attacked an eight-grade student. Maybe some of you have seen the clip already? I'll post a direct link to a news report so you can take a look:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wxp7JIAmeaI&feature=related[/youtube]

What interests me about this story is not whether the teacher's behavior is appropriate or not because it's NOT OKAY. What's interesting is watching this kid's mother's reaction which you can already predict, right? She's suing. The teacher lost her job (as she should) and the mother is suing the school. And the kid is interviewed and heralded as an innocent child, a little angel. Typical American behavior.

What's funny is that I asked myself what I would have done had my child come home and said the teacher backed him in a corner. Y'all might think I'm a jerk but the first thing I'd have said to them is: "WHAT on EARTH did YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?"

We had a few kids in my high school who drove everyone nutz with their bullying and bad behavior. One teacher chased this kid out of the classroom. AT the time however, his mama couldn't sue the schools and the teacher didn't lose his job. The kid got suspended a few days and 'shunned' by the rests of us for acting that way. LOLLOL

Times have Changed and one of the biggest changes I see is that children are NOT held accountable. Parents step in and BLAME everyone else while the truth is, that kid is terrorizing fellow students and destroying the learning environment for everyone else. What do ya do????????????????

Not sayin' it's okay for teachers to abuse children, even if they are unruly. I'd never want schools to go back to paddling students the way we were punished. But it seems to me that we've gone a little too far 'overprotecting' our kids and the unruly ones, the bullying ones, will take advantage of the situation. Isn't that the way it is?

Protecting kids from abusive teachers has been a long time comin' and thank goodness. Now we have to figure out a way to hold kids accountable, too.


Hugs,
CZ

[~Solo]

This is a very important topic!  It all begins with our childhood.  The issues that are happening in schools today weren't a problem when I was beginning school in the 70's.  Seems that we have overcompensated for the way things were...say when kids were in school in the 50's.  Maybe then, children were expected to be "tough", obedient, no questions asked, etc. which may have caused the thinking that we as a society have been "too hard" on children when considering certain socially imposed dysfunctions.  So now, teachers are to go easier on their students.  I think that having rules and standards are healthy.  All children need them to develop.  That's also part of getting a college degree right?  You want someone with the degree because it says they can go the extra mile.  They are intelligent, they have staying power.  When you look over the decades, there are different themes of consciousness running.  How can we look at the bigger picture and avoid the pitfalls of themes as parents?  Unfortunately, I guess that's where the problem is coming from.  All parents are not equipped.  It's very interesting and seems there should be a school course just for this (a sort of "equalling" course)!  I know that's only in a perfect world.  There is always the overall performance of instilling that from teacher to child which I believe was happening till all of a sudden abuse became a topic and fear was thrown at the school system by the "entitled ones".  This would be how the school could take part, not the way the schools are expected to walk on eggshells in fear of a lawsuit.   

I do not have any children of my own but can relate to some of the topic regarding a child of divorce.  I have come from the opposite extreme of overprotection (my Nhusband was put on a pedestal).  When my parents fought, I saw ALL.  I heard ALL and I felt ALL.  There wasn't any standing beside me though to help me understand what was happening or why.  I was left to heal on my own in confusion.  My mother was just as confused and she was very young and did not develop the maturity to handle such a condition as she herself was attracted to it due to her N father who left her quite early in life (also an abuser).  My father was the N I believe.  He was a rager, very into his wishes and desires and frequently abandoned us.  He came in and out of my life as he and my mother would have problems.  Mostly, they were his problems though.  Hence, the attraction to N's.   

Lapin spoke of her N's parents giving a united presentation rather than revealing how they dealt with struggles and disagreements.  They always "seemed" to be fine and everything was always "good".  My N husband used to say (before I found out about his diagnosis) his parents never ever fought in front of him.  He also said they would have dinner parties and mom would put on the mask so to speak.  Meanwhile, there would have been some sort of "thing" going on beneath.  She was literally a genius when it came to the cover up!   He was the special child too and still is today.  However, he is unable to live by his family.  He is 3,000 miles away and has been for 15 years.  He blames his family for not teaching him how to handle money, blames me for our unhappy marriage, and quietly blames other people for anything that doesn't go smoothly.  I saw behind the mask. 

Seems there is such a non balance in society from schools and family to marriages.  Why does it have to be either swept under the rug or completely drug through the dirt?  Either way, reflection and understanding of the effects long term are ignored.  We need to feel, experience and recover.  We need to have the opportunity for that growth.  I think the world is just flying by the seat of their pants.  It's tough to get us collectively on the same page.  In a place of action not reaction.  And just where is the love? 

~Solo