Our Children

[Amethyst24]

My worst fears I am afraid are coming true.  I believe my 29 yr old son is just like his father.  He has become abusive to his girlfriend and they have tried counseling, etc.  They are in the throes of breaking up and he wont accept that it is over.   My son has projected all his anger at his life onto her and now onto me.  He blames our divorce (6 yrs. ago) on his instability.  He does not respect me and says I am only there for the bad times.  He has had numerous meltdowns over the years and yes, I was always there supporting him.  He thinks I am negative because I give him regular doses of reality.

He golfs and goes boating with his father and his OW/wife.  It hurts.  He is really screwed up and is trying to live the image of a successful man in a big city. He is under a great deal of stress and takes it out on others. And when he is with his father, he acts like none of the adultry, lies, etc has no affect.  And yet I know he is deeply conflicted, angry as hell, and depressed about any positive outcome in marriage and career.

I have suggested he go back to counseling and get on medication for depression.  And that infuriated him.

I think today, I realized he is in denial and has no respect for woman,,,,,,,,like his father.

Amethyst24 

[honeybearII]

I think today, I realized he is in denial and has no respect for woman,,,,,,,,like his father.

And you know what, Amethyst?  They are 1/2 each of their parents, and there is not a darn thing you can do about this.  No more than we could "fix" our spouses.

Your son is a grown man, and if he is or isn't "like his father" in the long run, it is HIS issue at this point in life.  I have agonized over the fallout with my children after my divorce.  I have come here and people have given me support and made me understand that I can love them, pray for them, be who I am with them, but I cannot change them.  I have suggested counseling to my oldest D a couple of times and she gets very defensive.  I KNOW it would help her, but she is 34 years old, and until she gets sick and tired of being HER, and makes the decision to change, I have to now just let it be and just love on her.

I have backed off totally talking with my kids about their or even MY "issues' about the long marriage and divorce.  It is fruitless. We are forging our own relationship, and they have to forge their own relaitionship with their father.  They know exactly who he is, how he treated me, but they will love him anyway.  And I also know, deep down, that they need him.

Hugs,
Honey

[CZBZ]

Dear Amethyst24,


It's hard to say whether someone will 'change' or not but it sounds like your son has a lot of work to do on himself if he's going to have healthy relationships with women. There's a new guru helping men with their anger and he's reporting better results than we've seen with other anger-management or abuse treatments. Maybe your son will benefit from the new treatments available for men. One can only hope.

One thing that NEVER works though is telling someone they need therapy or medication because they're depressed! Instead of welcoming feedback from people who love them, their defenses go on high-alert and they become more resistent to help than ever. Besides, therapy and anti-depressents are so common now that surely they don't need anyone to tell them about these resources.

I think what they hear from us (instead of "I am concerned about you and want to help") is criticism, judgment and that big old bugger "You're NOT Normal!" It's so touchy bringing up anti-Ds or therapy to someone who is depressed or abusive. I can hear your heart though, Amethyst. You want to help if you can but the only person who can help your son right now is himself. Until HE makes the therapy appointment or sees his family doctor on his own, there really isn't much you can do about his decisions.

He also sounds very blaming towards you and for that, I am sooooooo sorry! That is so unfair and inappropriate, especially at his age. Maybe at 12 0r 16 or something, but not 29. If he's identifying with his father, let him. That road will take him down the path to a fork in the road and maybe then he'll rethink his behavior. You have to let him do whatever he needs to do and hope that at some point he'll WAKE UP.

Listen, you'll need to have some very clear boundaries about what IS and what ISN'T acceptable behavior towards YOU. There isn't anything you can do about how he treats his girlfriend or anyone but you CAN and MUST be very firm about his treatment of you. If he is disrespectful in any way (calling your names or insulting you), you tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not subject yourself to him talking like that to you. And if you need to, LEAVE THE ROOM. Don't even let him get started because if you are not firm with him from the get-go, he will continue to blame YOU and avoid taking responsibility for himself. AS long as an abusive person has a garbage can to dump all their projected feelings and blames into, they will NOT take responsiblity for themselves. You are doing him the biggest favor of his life by leaving the room and not allowing him to disrespect you in anyway. If he starts in on everything you did wrong and continue to do wrong, LEAVE THE ROOM. Don't put up with for even one sentence. This is how you can help him best, Amethyst!

Hugs,
CZ

[CZBZ]

This is a link to the 'guru''s website i mentioned in the prior post:

Steven Stosney http://compassionpower.com/

Maybe his girlfriend would be interested in the link. I'm not sure whether you should even tell your son about it or not. Sometimes its best to just BACK OFF completely.



Hugs,
CZ

[Julia]

Amethyst,

I am SO sorry that you have to consider this. Please hang in there for your son. THere is still time for him to learn from a strong example from you. Here are my reflections:

 A divorce when he was 23 would not make him unstable. He was a big boy when the divorce happened.

He is going to continue to blame you if you let him. Abuse has two players - an abuser and a victim. I want you to check out Dr Irenes abuse site - here is a good page to start  with:


http://www.drirene.com/cope_with_abuse.htm

She used to have a REALLY good description of how abuser/victims interaction but I couldn't find it - it was an eye-opener for me. She is NOT a victim blaming person, she just wants us to see how we can get off of the bus!

THis is going to get harder before it gets easier!!!! I am sorry about that, but abusers will do almost anything to avoid changing. You will have to be strong, tough love style, but it will be best for him (and you) in the long run.

Please do not try to "fix" him anymore. He has made it perfectly clear that he will not respond to that. It just gives him more to blame you for. Fix your responses to him instead. I would work on boundaries. If you like to read, the Codependent No More book would be an excellent source.

Julia