I have no dates in my memory or special events..mind abuse related?

[music-lass]

Hi,
      I'm not sure if my thoughts belong in this area, if not feel free to move me. I'm a new member and still got my feelers out.

I am increasingly aware that i dont have large chunks of memory and are amazed at the things people have in their memory of growing up. I dont have these.. I dont have dates of significant events or things that took place or even quirky little triats people have. My healthy normal sister will say' do you remember how dad would always do this or that' and I'm like 'no'

 I tried really hard to stay off my dad's radar, didn't always work though, so when he would ramble on with is drunken stories. I'd switch right off, cause I didnt know which was bs or factual. He was a loud annoying obnoxious inflated and scary drunk, but when he was sober he was bitter and seething and ready to spit hatred, that is when I tried really hard to stay off his radar.

Now that he is deceased I now think he wasn't half bad compared to a now ageing nm. I sometimes understand why dad took up the bottle with a wife like that. I dont condone him at all, cause he has caused some serious deep rooted schemas that are really hard to shift in me.

I dont have dates in my memory and it bothers me. When people asked about my family tree and when did my parents come to this country and start a new life, it is really a blank and it can be embarassing, and I'm not about to tell them why I think I have chunks of family history missing.

[Proud2B]

Music-lass,

First off, welcome to WON!  You've found a safe-haven here with lots of great advice, understanding, patience, and totally awesome members.

Second, I'm curious if you start to remember things if you put your mind to it for a few minutes.

My younger sister has a memory like an elephant.  She remembers everything.  The joke in my family is that if she hadn't been there, I would not have had a childhood - I remember very, very little.  I'm the oldest, and honestly, I think I was just focused on the present and future, and didn't dwell a whole lot on the past.  My sister, OTOH, had occasion to watch events unfold, while I was living them, and dealing with the dysfunctions in my family (my step-dad was an alcoholic, and my dad wasn't around very much).  My mom focused on trying to keep her husband happy, sometimes at the expense of her daughters.  We ALL tip-toed around him.

Anyway, sometimes my sis will bring something up, and if I try very hard, or approach it from a different angle, things come back to me.  It's all there, it just might not be as readily accessible. 

I also have at least two other very close girlfriends who have experienced the same thing growing up.  They come from somewhat stable families, but they had their share of dysfunction too.  They are both the oldest girl in the family.  Are you the oldest of your siblings?   

Hope this helps,
Proud2B

[music-lass]

Hi proud2be,
                Thanks for welcoming me, it feels really good to be here, I find that this site centres on healing and maybe how to do that. The other two sites I belonged to , just celebrated the freedom of NC but not really at depth on how.

 I would feel guilty or something was wrong, cause I wasn't experiencing the freedom everyone talks about with NC.

I am the second eldest of four female siblings. My eldest sister is my half sister, but full in the healthy loving sense and in every way.

I have a chaotic self inflated sibling I refuse to call my sister, she has almost and nearly destroyed my family.

She has succeeded to divide the family and it worked. I have no contact with nm or her.

She has lost all her three sisters to her chaos and drama, we simply had enough, but she also turned our mother against us, but nm had a choice.

They enable each other. Ns is second youngest of four.

I'm still not sure if I'd remember things from when I was little. Isnt it sad that I really only remember the put downs, the shame and not feeling good enough, not the stuff that would be good to remember.

[Proud2B]

Music-lass,
The good news is no-contact can do wonders to remove the constant put-downs, manipulations, etc. of a narcissistic person.  It provides a space to work on stabilizing ourselves, to work on a change in perspective....

The bad news is that often times, NC by itself is not enough to kick-start the healing process.  That takes time (lots of it), introspection, and feeling all those feelings we pushed down and repressed for so many years just to 'get along' with the Ns in our lives. 

One of my favorite quotes goes, "Sometimes the only way to get over it, is to go through it".  Roughly translated, it means sitting still and feeling the pain.  But only when you're ready. 

Healing is a difficult process, but one totally, totally worth it.  It requires huge amounts of courage, perseverance, and compassion.

Just remember to be kindest to yourself - kinder than you've ever been to anyone.

Proud2B     

[CZBZ]

Welcome music-Lass,


Recovery doesn't end when you kick the N out of your life. No Contact doesn't resolve our suffering, our pain, our woundedness. As Proud mentioned, NC is a means to an end and the end goal is Peace. Happiness. Comfort in your own skin. Some people achieve this comfort without using a strict No Contact policy. Much depends on the relatioNship itself and our resiliency to the N's subtle putdowns. (or not so subtle!) Many of us have been working on our recovery for several years and found Internet support to be helpful. You'll soon see that quite a number of us met years ago! And we are still here...because we're smart enough, nice enough and good enough to know that we need one another to improve our lives. A person can learn a lot with Internet support groups that are longterm.

I could move your thread to the General Board where most people post messages, especially in the beginning. You are perfectly fine keeping your thread here but some of our members have minimized board categories to reduce the confusion and they will not see your message. If you want, you can start a new thread on the General Board. I'm sure everyone would like to get to know you!

As far as memory goes, some people remember the smallest events of childhood and others don't. One of my siblings doesn't remember a darn thing from her childhood while my memory stretches back to pre-gradeschool. I don't know why it's thus...but I hear your frustration and concerns. It would be hard to lose the 'good time memories' because surely there were many! Especially if you have a good and full relationship with your sister. I read an article once about planting memories which is something I've done with my nephew. Have you ever heard or read about this? It might be a way for you to feel those good feelings and let them outnumber the bad. Write out the family stories (good ones)...that might work.

About the sister you refuse to talk to now---sounds like you've had some coaching going on to know that her inevitable drama belongs to HER and no one else! Good for you...how long have you been learning about N-relationships?


Hugs,
CZ

[music-lass]

Welcome music-Lass,


Recovery doesn't end when you kick the N out of your life. No Contact doesn't resolve our suffering, our pain, our woundedness. As Proud mentioned, NC is a means to an end and the end goal is Peace. Happiness. Comfort in your own skin. Some people achieve this comfort without using a strict No Contact policy. Much depends on the relatioNship itself and our resiliency to the N's subtle putdowns. (or not so subtle!) Many of us have been working on our recovery for several years and found Internet support to be helpful. You'll soon see that quite a number of us met years ago! And we are still here...because we're smart enough, nice enough and good enough to know that we need one another to improve our lives. A person can learn a lot with Internet support groups that are longterm.

I could move your thread to the General Board where most people post messages, especially in the beginning. You are perfectly fine keeping your thread here but some of our members have minimized board categories to reduce the confusion and they will not see your message. If you want, you can start a new thread on the General Board. I'm sure everyone would like to get to know you!

As far as memory goes, some people remember the smallest events of childhood and others don't. One of my siblings doesn't remember a darn thing from her childhood while my memory stretches back to pre-gradeschool. I don't know why it's thus...but I hear your frustration and concerns. It would be hard to lose the 'good time memories' because surely there were many! Especially if you have a good and full relationship with your sister. I read an article once about planting memories which is something I've done with my nephew. Have you ever heard or read about this? It might be a way for you to feel those good feelings and let them outnumber the bad. Write out the family stories (good ones)...that might work.

About the sister you refuse to talk to now---sounds like you've had some coaching going on to know that her inevitable drama belongs to HER and no one else! Good for you...how long have you been learning about N-relationships?


Hugs,
CZ

Thankyou CZ for your insight and wisdom. I feel so much that I am indeed in the right place. The other two internet groups were comforting initially but then realised the need to go inward and the focus for that was not there or how to go about this.
I am going away for the weekend camping. It really is a breathtaking experience with all the hiking and climbing, I love it and will feel more equiped for writing my story on here.

I am somewhat edgy on revealing my story here in only how i will feel. I am so sensitive to triggers, even perfume, even if beautiful worn at a rotten time in my life will take be back and feeling like darkness.

Is this fact an indicator that my healing is not complete, I think so, a little unsure. I look forward to a time that I can look at them and even hear their crap and dissaproval and have it bounce straight off me and not soak in.

At this time I am still full of holes.

[Retired Cornfield]

My childhood is pretty intact, music-lass, but I have been troubled recently by not remembering anything that happened during the second and third years of my dating period before marrying my Late Husband.  I remember details of the first year, and can identify the red flags that I overlooked, but nothing comes to mind about the next two years.  I wonder now what we did together, how often we saw each other, and if he really cared about me.
The short engagement and  quick marriage, to meet the starting date of the lease on the farm to which we moved, seems pretty uneventful to me now.  I always said I was "thrown in with the farm lease."

I don't remember the wedding reception at all.  I look at the photos and recognize the people but don't remember being in the room that evening.  I had a terrible headache, probably from not eating correctly, which was a problem I had not yet identified in myself, and from the stress of wondering if he was going to show up at the church.
He threatened to not show up until the hog barn was cleaned out.  Don't laugh.  That's what he said on the phone.
And he refused to pick up my pearl earrings that I left on his grandmother's stand.  That was too much to ask.
Perhaps we have an ability to effectively block the bad parts for our own protection.   
Retired Cornfield