Victim Vocabulary by Lynne Forrest

[CZBZ]

Passionflower by Piet Mondrian, 1908

From Lynne Forrest:

I believe that the first step toward exiting the victim triangle is learning how to recognize when we're on it. By developing an awareness of our interactions with others, specifically, how we speak and the vocabulary we choose, we can begin to see when we are dancing on the triangle versus when we are choosing healthy behavior.

That's right--victim-hood has its own vocabulary!

With that in mind, I thought it would be helpful to share some common examples of victim vocabulary as a way to support your ongoing study of ways off of the victim triangle. Starting next week, every week, I will send you an example of victim vocabulary along with a contrasting example of healthy vocabulary. As you receive these examples, your assignment is to notice how often you catch yourself (and others) using these, or similar, victim phrases and practice substituting these with healthier options.

Blessings,

Lynne Forrest

1502 Bailey Ave, Chattanooga, TN 37404, USA


*     *     *
The Three Faces of Victim by Lynne Forrest
Click on the title if you would like to recieve a free pdf download of Lynne's article or subscribe to her newsletters.

*     *     *

Week One: "She made me do it!"

Greetings!

Here is this week's Victim Vocabulary word which is actually a commonly used phrase.

The victim phrase I hear most often is one we generally use when we are either in the Persecutor or Victim position on the triangle.

Think about how many times you've heard yourself and others say phrases such as, "It (you, he, she, they) made me (fill in the blank)." (do it, feel bad, screw up, etc.)

This two word phrase, "made (or makes) me" is used constantly with little, if any awareness of how dis-empowering it is. Speaking words such as these displace self responsibility for what we think, feel and do by making someone or something outside ourselves to blame for our emotional states and the circumstances in our lives. This is the ultimate in victim-hood.

In reality there is only one person who can make us feel or act in any certain way - ourselves. We are the ones who are responsible for the way we think, feel and act always.  This is really good news because it means if we don't like the way things are in our lives we can take action towards "making" our lives better. Otherwise we remain under an illusion of being trapped and feeling dis-empowered.

Begin to pay attention to how often you and others use these two words and instead practice exchanging the words "makes (or made) me" with phrases like, "I choose (or chose)",  "I do (or did)",  or "I will/ won't."

Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behavior through these subtle changes in the way you speak and notice the sense of empowerment it brings.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

*     *     *

Week Two: "You shouldn't have done that!"

Today I would like to share with you, another phrase that can cause us pain. Remember, anytime we choose to play the part of the victim, we are hurting ourselves.

When we use the words "should" or "shouldn't" we speak as victims in resistance to reality, a sure sign of victim-hood. When we notice that what is, is---regardless of how we think it "should" or "shouldn't" be we come into alignment with reality; We stop investing wasted energy into trying to make life be different; We stop feeling like victims whose life has been unfair to and come into a state of peace and acceptance with the way things are instead.

"You should (should not) feel/think/do that."

"That should (should not) happen."

I should (should not) feel, think, do that."

Better Options:
Practice replacing your guilt-producing shoulds (or should nots) with less emotionally loaded words such as: "will" "won't" "do" "don't," "have" or "haven't."

Examples
"Thank you for sharing your feelings; you have every right to feel that way."

"It did happen. It is what is. I trust that it happened for a reason and that there is something I can learn from it so there can be a different outcome in the future."

"I (felt, said, did) that. What can I learn from it?"


I am so grateful for this opportunity to be able to share this work with you! Be on the lookout the next victim vocabulary word or phrase I will send out next week.

If there is any specific questions or confusion that you may have concerning the victim cycle, I would love to hear from you! Just email them to me at info@lynneforrest.com.

*     *     *

Week Three: "It's Not My Fault!"

Greetings to you!

I hope this message finds you well and that you are gaining ever more insight as you read these emails.

Did you know that victim-hood is a worldwide epidemic? It's true. Everyone you know (and this includes you and me) goes in and out of a victim mental state all the time. We do it without even noticing.

Our language tells the tale, however. We can recognize when we are caught up in victim by listening to the way we talk about ourselves and others. The things we say and the way we say them reflect where we are on the victim triangle. 

This weeks example of Victim Vocabulary is one we use most often when we are in the Victim role on the triangle. It reflects a sense of helpless powerlessness that comes from seeing ourselves at the mercy of outside forces.

As Victims, we say:

It's not my fault.

I couldn't help it.

I had no choice.

I had to do(say) it.

I was forced to say (do) it.

A key component to getting off the Victim Triangle is self responsibility. Do you hear the lack of that reflected in these examples? If we want to free ourselves from a victim mentality, we must begin by assuming responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and behavior.

We live in a world of cause and effect. What we experience in our lives is a result of our own beliefs, (the true cause). Understanding this allows us to respond differently.

Instead of "it's not my fault.", we learn to look for what our responsibility is. In short, we are always responsible for our feelings, beliefs and behavior.  Knowing this frees us up to say,
"My part in this situation is ______. "

Taking responsibility instead of blaming others for the less desirable outcomes in our lives frees us up to take action towards achieving higher possibilities.

Listen for the subtle ways you phrase things that keep you from taking full responsibility for your life situation.

*     *     *

Week Four: "I Can't!"

This week's Victim Vocabulary is a phrase that creates the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies us when in a state of victim-hood. They are words we hear spoken by ourselves and others and they stop progress and positive expansion of any kind dead in its tracks!

What phrase could possibly have that sort of power over us? It is simply the words, "I can't ...."

When we refer to our abilities using these two words we limit ourselves mightily. Such words are often used as an excuse that prohibits us from even trying something new or different.

For example to say, "I can't understand this math problem." When we say the words and believe them we simply go no further. We've decided "it can't be done." Now someone else will have to do it for us.

Of course this sort of "victim game-playing" can be harmless up to a certain point. "I can't reach it, will you get it for me?" spoken by a young woman to the tall, handsome stranger standing beside her can be seen as a light flirtation perhaps. But even this sort of repartee is not a good habit to get into because we run the risk of believing them.

"I can't do it" then becomes an automatic response to everything! These two words, "I can't" are limiting and disabling when believed. The more we convince ourselves and others that we can't do something, the more unable to do we become. Our lives become increasingly narrow and constricted in direct proportion to how often we think and speak the words, "I can't ...." 

Begin to listen for how often you hear yourself using the words. "I can't." When you observe it, quickly ask yourself "Is it really true that I can't?"

Try replacing the phrase "I can't" with one of the healthier, more accurate phrases below.

"I can!"

"I can, but am choosing not to ...

"I don't want to do it."

"I want you to do it."

"I am willing to learn ... show me."

"I am learning a lot through trial and error."

Notice how expansive and freeing these phrases are, in contrast to the dead-end words, "I can't." Refuse to limit yourself with such victim vocabulary!

*     *     *

Week Five: "I am"

This week's Victim Vocabulary focuses on two words that can easily be called the "Universal mantra of manifestation." It is the phrase, "I am".

These two words, "I am" are used both to reinforce a victim state of consciousness (and, as such are part of a victim's vocabulary) and/or they can be used to empower and affirm a more conscious and expanded notion of ourselves.

Either way they have tremendous power over us. When we use the words, "I am ...", we are telling ourselves who we believe ourselves to be. With these two words we deliver a pronouncement to ourselves and the world about what to expect from us, what we are capable of, how much success, love and happiness we will allow ourselves to have.

We must be very careful about what we are "I am-ing" because whatever that is will be exactly what we live out in life.

If we say, "I am stupid," "I am bad," or "no good at ______ (fill in the blank)" or we say, "I am inept," "powerless," "undeserving" or "a failure," etc, we are affirming and investing belief in a limiting and stressful idea about ourselves. Doing so leads us to behave in ways that will lead to the very outcome we are "owning" with the pronouncement, "I am."

With the words, "I am" we formulate and take possession of a definition of ourselves. It starts in childhood when we introduce ourselves, "I am Sally Sue" or "Billy Bob," etc. and goes from there.

We use these two words to announce our status in life with such phrases as, "I am poor (or rich), "unloved (or loved),""unlovable(lovable)". Whether the mantra, "I am" manifests for or
against us depends on what follows those first two all important words because that will be what we believe!

Here are some healthier options:

Instead of "I am stupid," try, "I don't know how to do that." or "I have never studied or tried that before so it may take me awhile to do it."

Instead of "I am bad," say, "I act in ways that I don't fully understand sometimes, but I am growing and learning more about myself every day." or "I apologize for my behavior. What can I do to make amends?"

Instead of "I am a failure," say, "I am learning from my mistakes and moving steadily towards success."

Instead of "I am broke," say, "I do not have enough money to buy that right now," or "I have enough money to meet my basic needs and I am grateful for that." Etc ... etc ....

Listen carefully to what you are "I am-ing" this week and ask yourself if the statement you are making is one you want to reinforce in your life. If not, replace it with a healthier, more
loving and just-as-true alternative.

Blessings, Lynne

*     *     *
If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


*     *     *

[CZBZ]

From Lynne Forrest

Week Six: Responsibility to Vs. Responsibility for

Hello,

This week, as part of the victim vocabulary series, I want to simply explain a common misconception. This is something that we all have fallen for at one time or another.

Fortunately, it can be avoided simply by understanding the fundamental difference between responsibility to others versus responsibility for others.

When we take responsibility for others we are in Victim-hood. This is not the same as being responsible to them. The difference is simple yet profound. Being responsible to others is something that happens as a natural consequence of taking responsibility for ourselves, whereas when we take on responsibility for others, we neglect ourselves.

The number one characteristic of victim-hood is the failure to take responsibility for ourselves.

For instance, we are responsible to others when we do what we say we will do (i.e. show up on time, tell the truth, do our work assignment, etc.) In this way we are showing responsibility for ourselves as well as to those to whom we have made a commitment.

However, if we cover for others, pay their bills, bail them out of trouble over and over, do their work for them, etc. we are taking responsibility for them. When we take care of others at our own expense we are operating out of the Rescuer role on the Victim Triangle and that means the Victim role will be our next stop!

I will share more on the differences between being responsible "for" versus "to" next week. For now let's look at some of the language that goes with taking responsibility for others..

The Rescuer Victim says:

"You can't handle it. I will do it for you."

"She can't manage her life so I have to take control of it for her."

"He will fail if I don't cover for him."


When we try to control outcomes in someone else's life we not only insult their capabilities but we interfere in their relationship with Reality. It is a disservice to ourselves and others anytime we enable another's lack of self responsibility by taking over their business, or by lying or covering for them.

We are most respectful when we refuse to treat our loved ones as if they can't handle life.


Here's some Healthy Ways of Expressing Support:

"How you handle your life is your business. It's not my business." 

"I trust that you can figure things out for yourself."

"I am not sure what you should do ... what do you see as your options?"

"I trust that whatever consequences you face from your choices will ultimately benefit  you." 

"What do you need from me? (And then give a clear, concise response of either, "Yes, I will do that," or "I'm sorry, but that's not my responsibility.")


Remember to respond in a way that empowers rather than rescues others and everyone will benefit.

*     *     *

Week Seven: Indicators of Responsibility to Vs. Responsibility for

I am so enjoying writing these messages for you each week. This week I want to expand on what we talked about in last week's message. Last week, I talked about the difference between being responsible for versus being responsible to others.

Taking responsibility for others keeps us in victim-hood and on the Victim Triangle(TM). Freedom from victim interaction is possible when we become responsible to, versus responsible for others.

Below you will find a list of behaviors that go with these two basic perspectives.

When we are responsible for others, we do the following:
 
manipulate

try to fix

cover for and try to protect

rescue and care-take

take control

demand

bully

carry their feelings

don't listen


When we are responsible to others, we do these things:
 
take care of our own business

trust them to take care of their business

show empathy & understanding

encourage & empower

share our experience

level and be honest

listen


When We are responsible for others, we feel:

resentful

exhausted

overwhelmed

anxious & fearful

"liable for"

guilt

obligation

judgmental

pity


Notice your feelings at any given point during the day. If you are feeling any of the negative feelings listed above, ask yourself who you are taking responsibility for. What can you do to move towards responsibility for self and responsibility to them instead of for them?

When we are responsible to others, we feel:

at peace

congruent (inside matches outer appearance)

relaxed & grounded

in touch with reality

gratitude

appreciation

acceptance

connection

FREE
 
Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html  For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

*     *     *

Week Eight: Victim Vocabulary Series & An Update

Hello again! I hope you are enjoying these emails, I certainly do enjoy sending them to you. I just want to fill you in a little bit about what is going on with my e-book. After I finished writing it, I realized that my writing still needed some work, so in order to make the book even better, I have hired a professional writer who is doing an excellent job in helping me to edit it even further. I am hopeful that it will be ready before too long, but I also want it to be something I can feel proud of.

This week - since it seems to be a big issue with so many of us, I wanted to expand even further on our discussion of responsibility.  Understanding exactly what it means to be responsible to ourselves and others rather than taking responsibility for them is all important if we are going to free ourselves from victim-hood.

When we take responsibility for others, we want:

things to go our way

a solution

performance

answers

to control circumstances & outcomes

to be right

all the details

credit


Notice these desires are all externally focused. They are fixed on finding peace outside ourselves.

When we are responsible to others, we want:

to live and let live

to let go and let God

to relate person to person (rather than to the situation)

to share ourselves

to believe in the other person

to respect the others autonomy

to empower rather than control 

Notice how the above motivating desires are internally focused. They are about adjusting our perception so that we can maintain inner peace.

When we are responsible for others, we are on the Victim Triangle(TM) as:

manipulator/persecutor

enabler

caretaker/rescuer

martyr/victim

When we are responsible to ourselves first and then to others, we are:

accepting & non-judgmental

living in peace & surrender to reality

supportive

a guide

a healthy role model

a friend

*     *     *

Week Nine: Responsibility for and to our children

Greetings,

Hope each of you are seeing positive shifts in the way you relate to yourself and others as you grow in your understanding of victim-hood.

Are you catching yourself when you use victim vocabulary? Are you practicing the recommended healthier options? I trust that you are and encourage you to read back over past
Victim Vocabulary notes as a way to reinforce your memory and encourage continued progress.

We have been speaking over the last several weeks about responsibility and the often subtle difference between taking responsibility for versus being responsible to another person.

Today, I want to continue on that topic of responsibility as it relates to our responsibility for as well as to our children.
 
The degree of responsibility we have towards another person depends on the relationship we have with that individual and what that particular kind of relationship calls for.

Parenting is one of the rare instances when it is necessary to take responsibility for another human being. When we bring a baby into our lives, we are responsible for that infants every physical & emotional need in the beginning. AND we take less and less responsibility for them as they grow and develop.

It is important to remember that we are responsible for our children only for a limited time.  Only until that child is capable of assuming responsibility for themselves do we take responsibility for them! (And, in most cases, that's of a shorter duration than most of us, as parents, think!)

Our job as parents is to take every opportunity to teach them how to assume more responsibility for themselves in keeping with their level of ability and understanding.

The ancient understanding is that a parents moral responsibility ends when the child is 14 years old. By that age a child already has in place his or her basic concepts of what the world is like and their place in it. Then they have arrived at the age where they are  "trying out" their ideas separate from the parents.

By the age of 14, a child has begun the individuation process, nature's way of moving the child towards more independence from his or her parents. It's a natural process and is the way both humans & animals evolve from a state of utter dependency to one of autonomy & self responsibility.

We interrupt the natural progression of the individuation process when we continue to assume responsibility for our children past the time when they can assume that responsibility for themselves.

We must come into a trusting relationship with the Universe rather than acting out of a compulsive need to protect our loved ones from it if we are going to successfully move from being responsible for to being responsible to those we love.

*     *     *

Week Ten: "Whatever!"[/b

]

Greetings,

I so appreciate the feedback I have been getting from many of you about how helpful these weekly notes on victim vocabulary and victim-hood are. I am enjoying a chance to dialog with you!

The last few weeks we've been focusing on the difference between taking responsibility for another versus being responsible to them. The responsibility issue is one with which  Rescuer-Victims really struggle. It is the Starting Gate Rescuer who tends to take on the affairs of others and feel obligated or duty bound to caretake and protect them, thus becoming confused about what is their responsibility and what isn't.

This week we're going to look at an example of typical Persecutor-Victim language.

When Persecutors speak they tend to use words and phrases meant to "dis" others as a way to protect themselves from the attack they consider inevitable. Rather than rescuing others,
Persecutor-Victims tend to verbally attack.

Starting Gate Persecutors, you may remember are in a perpetual defensive posture because they see the world as out to get them and thus feel desperate to protect themselves.

Persecutor language reflects the cynicism and defensiveness of their beliefs. They use comeback remarks such as:
"Whatever!"

"What's your problem?"

"What's it to you?"


Frequently used cut downs and stinging barbs are often the verbal response given when we are operating out of Persecutor-Victim mode. Such barbs and verbal attack, meant to protect, instead foster movement around the Victim Triangle(TM).

Through such word choices, we build walls that keep us separate from others and land us in the victim position by inviting the very attack we are trying to protect ourselves from.

A healthier response, rather than "whatever!" might be, "I don't prefer it but I am willing to compromise or negotiate so we might both be satisfied."

To verbalize concerns and anxiety in a straight forward way that does not blame or attack is the very best way to protect and take care of ourselves.

Practice holding your tongue when feeling defensive and rephrasing your words in a way that invites clearing rather than further attack.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html  For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

Week Eleven: "Betrayed"

My excitement grows as my interaction with you continues. I am hearing from many of you about how these weekly messages are helping you to move away from using victim vocabulary in your everyday language, thus changing the way you relate to others.

I appreciate the positive feedback and personal sharing I've received from those of you who have taken time to write. Thank you.

This week, I want to talk about two words that are an intrinsic part of a victim language. Those words are, "betray" and "reject."

Victims say, "He/she betrayed me," or " She/he rejected me."

These words reflect a negative victim perspective that says we were "done to" or mistreated by another. Do you hear victim in that?

Someone in our life may leave us or find someone other than us to be in relationship with or they may say unkind or untruthful things about us or any one of a number of other acts that we routinely label as "acts of betrayal," or rejection. We have all experienced such things at one time or another in our lives. But have we noticed how mistreated and abused we feel (victimized) when we call acts such as these betrayal? How different might we feel about such behavior without a victim label proclaiming it as a "betrayal" or "rejection"?

In reality, what we call "betrayal" is the Universe's way to get us to let go of something that we need to release and what we call "rejection" is the Universe showing us how we neglect ourselves.

To ascribe labels such as these to natural changes that happen in life seems a cruel way to treat ourselves. Anytime we label someone else's behavior as something that is being done to or at us, we reinforce a very painful, victim world view.

Believing it is even possible for someone to betray or reject us is to choose to see the world as a victim at the mercy of an uncaring world.

I understand that the betrayal/rejection theme is a popular notion, widely believed and bemoaned. However, the reality is that we are the only ones who can either reject or betray us!

People come and they go in life. That is a fact. Their leaving however, is never nearly as hurtful to us as the story we tell ourselves about it. When we make their behavior about us by describing it as a rejection or betrayal, we reject and betray ourselves. We put a victim spin on an act that most likely had little, if anything, to do with us!

The next time you find yourself using the words, "betrayed" or "rejected" in reference to yourself, try one or more of these expressions of thought instead:

"He/she left me. I've been spared."

"He/she left because it was time for them to go."

"I know it was time for him/her to go because they are gone."

"I trust that this happened for my highest good. I have been liberated."


Think back on a time you felt betrayed or rejected and reframe it according to what you've read here. How does it change your feelings about it? Which way of seeing feels most empowering?

*     *     *

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

Week Twelve: Betrayed, Continued

Well another week is upon us! I love getting all of your responses to these weekly vocabulary words! I have received many comments about betrayal since last week; so I thought I would expound a little more on it this week.

Let me start by saying that we are in a state of victim-hood when we believe that others determine or control our feelings! No one can "make us feel" anything! We are the ones who generate our feelings with our thoughts and perceptions about a situation.

I am not saying that people don't do things, sometimes even intentionally, to try to hurt us. I AM saying that they can only succeed in hurting us with our permission! How we
perceive what happens in our lives is what determines how we will feel about their behavior. Our feelings are generated by our thoughts, ALWAYS!

All feelings come from thoughts. Our thoughts generate our feeling responses - NOT the things that happen to us. When we are in a state of victim-hood, we think OTHERS cause our pain; this means that we see ourselves at the mercy of others. A transformation happens when we understand that we are always in charge of how we feel!

Let's take a simple example:

Let's say I have a meeting with several people and when I walk into the room, I announce, "Today, instead of having our meeting, let's go over to the coffee shop and chat." Let's say there are three in the room. Bob hears what I say and is angry right away because he tells himself, "Lynne is trying to avoid getting our work done!" Sally feels hurt, thinking, "Lynne is trying to avoid hearing my ideas!" but Susan, on the other hand, feels relieved and excited because she is thinking, "Oh good, it's going to be a relaxed get together to celebrate our progress, how nice!" All three have totally different feelings depending on what they tell themselves. Their feelings come from their thoughts about what I said, not from what I said!

As we recover from victim-hood, we learn to locate and work with the thought(s) that cause us pain and re-frame it to move ourselves toward greater peace and acceptance. We do this because it is the kind way to treat ourselves. When we believe our painful thoughts, we hurt ourselves! By taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings we are able to see what happens in our lives in ways that bring acceptance, forgiveness and even joy. This is key to finding internal peace and happiness!

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

Responsibility and Freedom

Another week has gone by and the eBook  is continuing to unfold. Progress is steady, and even though the eBook is taking longer to complete than I thought, it is fast becoming a "text book" for the work I do, and that excites me tremendously.

I appreciate your patience and understanding and relish the opportunity these weekly notes provide me in getting to know you better. I continue to read your emails and am committed to responding to as many of them as I can. Whether you hear back from me or not, please know that your feedback is well received and appreciated.

This week I want to talk with you about the role self-responsibility plays in freeing ourselves from victim-hood.

Usually we think of the word "responsibility" as being opposite to the word "freedom." We tend to think that responsibility means obligation, duty, drudgery and we see it as an overall limiting state of being; this way of thinking is characteristic of victim consciousness.

The real meaning of the word, "responsibility" can be found within the word itself, "respond-a-bility; it means, the ability to respond."

When we are in victim-hood we feel cornered, without options, because we are blaming external situations for the way we think and feel. As victims, we believe freedom comes from blaming something or someone else for our unhappiness.

We point fingers at others as a way to get ourselves "off the hook," or to avoid incrimination. We want someone else to be responsible, not us. 

What we don't realize is that we deny ourselves freedom every time we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves and the quality of our lives.

We cannot find freedom by blaming others because such finger-pointing leaves us feeling powerless and "at the mercy of" some outside cause; we are therefore left without the "ability to respond." 

Self-responsibility is an essential ingredient in achieving personal freedom. Here are some of thoughts that keep us avoiding self-responsibility (contributed by Doris, a subscriber):


"I can't do/have/be what I want because __________ (of someone/thing outside of self)." 

"If they hadn't done __________, then I could be happy/better/successful." 

"If only I had ________ (some external thing) then I could be ________ (happy/successful)."

"I am too _______ (busy/afraid/overwhelmed) to change."



Healthier options would be:


"My limiting thoughts and beliefs are the only thing standing between me and what I want."

"My happiness/success is up to me and not determined by what others do or say."

"I have everything I need right now for happiness/success."

"There is nothing that can keep me from making the changes I want."

Take 100% responsibility for your life to find the freedom, peace and happiness you desire.


Blessings,
Lynne 


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

You Are My Life

Greetings!

Last week we talked about the word, responsibility, and looked at ways we, as Victims, avoid responsibility. Avoiding responsibility for ourselves is a primary characteristic of Victim-hood.

One way to sidestep self-responsibility is by taking too much responsibility for others.

Rescuers on the Victim Triangle do just that. Rescuers tend to see themselves as here to fix and save others. Some Rescuers suffer from what we call a "messiah complex";they operate out of a constant need to be the savior of those they perceive as needy.

They are particularly drawn to those they perceive as "underdogs," people they see as being unfairly treated "victims of society."  They are obsessed with the lives and welfare of others at great cost to themselves. "Messiah" Rescuers save everyone BUT themselves!

They think taking care of themselves is to act selfishly and, because they do not want to be seen as self-centered, they sacrifice themselves instead.


Rescuers think and say things like:

"You are my life."

"I am here to take care of you."

"I live for you."

"I will do anything for you."

"I have sacrificed my happiness, future, career, health, wealth, well-being to take care of you because you are all that matters to me."


When we place the well-being of others above our own needs, we are creating a life that will someday require others to have to do the same for us! This is why I often say to clients, "Being selfish is ultimately the most loving thing you can do for others." I strongly believe in being "centered in ourselves." We are not here to live our lives for someone else, but to be the best expression of ourselves that we can be. We are the ones who need our love and attention the most.

When we take loving care of our own needs, we are healthier, happier, more prosperous and therefore less of a burden to our loved ones. When we take care of ourselves we are truly available to support and care about others because we are not unconsciously relying on them to provide us with our life purpose. We say we want others to take care of themselves, our job is to model how to do just that!

I recommend we challenge any belief we have that says we are selfish for taking care of ourselves. Replace such Victim thoughts with statements like:


"I am responsible for my life, my health, well being, finances, happiness. You are responsible for your life."

"Taking care of myself is something I do for me and for those I love."

"I will decide what is right for me and encourage you to do the same for you."

"I understand that when I make a decision based on what is truly right for me (not necessarily what I want, but what I need), everyone will ultimately benefit."

"My life is the one I came to live."

"I do not need you to need me. I cannot make you happy or fix you. Only you can do that."

"My hope for you is that you will come to love yourself the way I am learning to love myself because to do so is the ultimate route to peace, freedom and happiness."



Blessings for a great week of loving you better!

Lynne



Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:

http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

[CZBZ]

"If You Leave Me, I Will Kill You/Myself!"

Greetings,

I am working diligently on my book each week, as time and duty allows. The book, "Freedom From Victim-hood," (a working title) is coming together well, even though it does appear to be some months away from final completion. In the meantime, I hope you are benefiting from these weekly lessons on Victim Vocabulary.


We may have already noticed that each role on the Victim Triangle:

Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor, has its own way-of-speaking that perpetuates its position on the Triangle. Last week, we looked at some examples of Rescuer jargon. This week, let's explore some examples of Persecutor jargon. In particular, the persecutor's tendency to use threats and ultimatums.

Ultimatums refer to those times when we make threats and utter final pronouncements because we feel totally frustrated, threatened, or powerless.

When we deliver threats, and/or ultimatums, we can be sure that we are in the persecutor role on the Victim Triangle, even though we may think and feel like victims. One of the main features of the persecutor role is viewing ourselves as victims. 

In the persecutor role, we often personalize and/or misread what is said to us by others because we believe we are under siege and therefore are quick to perceive attack.

As persecutors, we take offense easily and so we frequently feel mistreated/offended/abused. Since we are unconsciously expecting attack, our bodies and minds are on guard constantly, ready to strike out in defense.

As persecutors, we operate out of non-negotiable rules that dictate how others must treat us if they want to stay connected with us. Such rules are a kind of "line-in-the-sand" for us. When someone "steps over the line," the persecutor, takes immediate defensive action by making threats or giving ultimatums.

As Persecutors we think thoughts like:

"If I don't put a stop to this RIGHT NOW, he/she will run over/hurt/take-advantage of me,"

When we think such thoughts we may make threats and give ultimatums Such as:


"If you ever do/say/try that again, I'll ______________!"

"I will never speak to you again if you don't ____________!"

"Either ________ or get out!"

"Don't ever speak-to/look-at/treat me like that again!"


If the Persecutor, has spiraled into real desperation, the threats and ultimatums may turn morbidly serious.


Such as:

"If you leave me, I will kill you/myself!"

"If you tell anyone, I will hurt you/them."


The first thing we do if, or when, we hear ourselves making threats or giving ultimatums is to realize that we are in a persecutor role. Next, we stop threatening and breathe. We must give ourselves time to shift into an observing role rather than continue to react defensively against the other person.

We then ask ourselves what is threatening us and question the validity of that perceived threat. We then determine what our responsibility is in the situation and act on that.

Threats and ultimatums do not reflect personal responsibility because they are based on the victim belief that someone or something outside of us is doing something to or against us.

As a persecutor who is ready to assume self responsibility we might say things Such as: 

"When you act/say/do __________, it triggers my belief that you are trying to run over/hurt/take advantage of me. I then do/say things to try to protect myself and control your behavior. I can see that this makes things worse. I am working on this."

"I don't like it when you do/say that. Please stop."

"I know I have a part in this, even though I want to blame you for it all. I need to take some space to figure that out."


Ultimatums set it up so that the thing we are trying to keep from happening is actually more likely to occur. We, and those we threaten, are held prisoner by our ultimatums ecause once the ultimatums are made, we will be constantly looking for the inevitable moment when we have to deliver on our threat.

We may even react towards the other person in ways that will prompt them to "step over the line" so that we then have to either deliver more empty ultimatums or deliver the punishment we promised. Thus life on the Victim Triangle goes round and round.

Giving up persecutor mentality requires that we be willing to give up the doleful privilege of perceiving ourselves as victims. It means we refuse to make threats or give ultimatums to try to control others. It means we own our persecutor tendencies and replace them with healthier styles of interaction.



Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

"He Deserves To Suffer"

Greetings,

I hope you are enjoying your week and that your sense of well-being is increasing along with your awareness of Victim Vocabulary.


We've been looking at language and how Victims speak as we explore better options for communicating. Remember there are three roles in Victim-hood: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor, each with their own way of thinking about the world and a verbal style to match that mental frame of reference.


Last week we explored the Persecutor's verbal style - this week we will look at the way Persecutors think.


I received the following email from a fellow subscriber addressing the way Persecutors think:

"The Persecutor (is)... an expert at thinking in terms of "black and white" (right or wrong), ... something is (either) perfect or (it is) a complete and utter mess. There is no room for compromise. (Such) "black and white" thinking is uppermost in the Persecutors mind ... (causing) even the smallest and most innocent action (to) suddenly become evidence of the nastiest crime imaginable (and justifies their over-reaction)."

Starting Gate Persecutors do indeed see the world in extremes, thus their tendency to speak in ultimatums (as discussed last week). It is certainly true to say that Persecutors see only right or wrong, good or bad, but more often than not, they look for the "problem"; they focus on the negative and then judge it as "bad" or "wrong."

Persecutors seldom see the right or good in themselves or the world around them because they believe that the world is an unhappy, evil and dangerous place. They see themselves as the Victim of a hostile world. Because they do not trust the world to be safe, they are constantly on the lookout for attack.

As a result of seeing the world through such a negative lens, Persecutors focus on finding the "problem" or source of wrong-doing, so that they can "protect" themselves from it, usually by striking out. Their paranoid beliefs give them little choice but to speak and react out of their painful defenses. Perceiving attack, they react first by attacking, as the only way they know to
defend themselves.


Operating out of constant vigilance for where the next attack will come from, Persecutors say such things as:


"They shouldn't talk to me like that."
   
"He deserved to suffer. He had it coming."

"She's using me. I'll show her."
   
"The world is cruel and unjust."
   
"Nobody can be trusted."
   
"Look what you made me do!"

"You gotta take care of yourself, cause the world is out to get ya."



A transformed Persecutor questions their own thinking and refuses to hold on to a negative verdict against the world. Rather than saying the phrases listed above, they might say instead:

       
"What feelings and thoughts do his words evoke in me? What can I learn from this feedback?"

"Do I know absolutely that she is trying to hurt or take advantage of me or am I simply anticipating the worst? 
   
"I can protect myself without making accusations or attacking others."

"I can trust people to act according to what they believe. By listening carefully to     what they say, I can know what to expect from them and make better choices about how to relate to them."

"As I focus on what works in my life and feel gratitude for it, I see and experience a world that works well."

"Life is not supposed to be fair. It is meant to reflect my own thoughts and beliefs."

"I am responsible for my feelings/thoughts/actions. No one else can make me do/feel/say anything."
   

Keep on noticing your own language and that of those around you. Notice that as you change the way you speak, your thinking changes and vice-versa.


Blessings, Lynne



Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

"I Never Get Credit for My Ideas!"

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings All,

I continue to get wonderful responses and feedback from you all. Thank you. My intention is to reply to your emails as I can. Sometimes that is challenging, especially as our subscriber list continues to grow exponentially (Btw, thank you for passing these on to your friends! ) and more of you pursue a better understanding of the true nature of Victim-hood.

Please know that I DO read your feedback and want to respond to your questions. I appreciate your willingness to participate in a quest for freedom from Victim-hood.

When we are in Victim-hood we constantly look "out there" for the cause of our unhappiness. It rarely occurs to us (in the beginning) that the source of our distress might be in our own perception and interpretation of a situation, and not the situation itself.

When we operate out of any of the three Starting Gate Positions on the Victim Triangle, we interpret the world according to the limiting beliefs that go along with that particular role (Victim,Rescuer, Persecutor). As long as we believe those unhealthy (and often untrue) thoughts we will react in a way that keeps us in that particular role on the Triangle.

Today I want to give you a possible scenario and then use it to explore some of the typical thoughts/beliefs and reactions of each role on the Victim Triangle.

Here's the situation:

Bill is enthusiastically sharing an idea at work with his boss and he is excited about it. He has invested a lot of time & energy in preparing his presentation and is enthusiastically rolling along when ... just as he makes his highlighting point of the whole idea, his boss gets a distracted look on her face and waves her hand in front of her face in apparent dismissal.

Bill stops in mid-sentence, AND...As a Starting Gate Victim, Bill thinks:

          "She thinks I am stupid."

          "She thinks my idea is worthless."

          "She knows I am not good enough (smart/skilled/confident enough)."



As a Victim, Bill might react in one, or more, of the following ways:

          He shuts down immediately, and spirals into a mood of depression and rejection.

          He apologizes profusely for wasting her time.

          He makes excuses for himself and his idea.

          He shoots down his own idea.

OR:


Bill is a Starting Gate Rescuer, and thinks:

          "She takes me for granted. She never appreciates me."

          "I never get credit for my ideas."

          "If she would just listen, she would see that I DO know what I'm talking about! I know what we need!"


Bill, as a Rescuer, might react by:


          Doing what he thinks will please his boss in that moment.

          Trying harder to impress his boss with how competent he is, he takes on even more responsibility at work.

          Pretending he doesn't notice her "dismissive" gesture, he proceeds with his presentation, but with a heightened, almost desperate, need to establish its relevance and worthiness.

          Changing the subject to something he thinks will be "less disagreeable" to his boss.


OR:


          Bill is a Starting Gate Persecutor, and thinks:

          "She's putting me down. She doesn't like me."

          "She's pretending my idea has no value so she can take it away from me and claim it's her idea."

          "She's trying to get me fired."



As a Persecutor, Bill might react by:

          Calling his boss out, on the spot, for her "inappropriate behavior" in tones that are reprimanding and/or threatening.

          Retreating into a sullen silence while plotting against his boss in his mind.

          Starting a barrage of complaints against his boss in an effort to "pay her back" for dismissing him.

          Defending himself to his boss. Then blames her behind her back.

Feeling threatened, decides he needs to take "protective measures" for himself by undermining his boss's efficiency to superiors in an effort to get her fired.

The example above helps us better understand how our perception of a situation determines our reaction - not external circumstances. When we pause and ponder our negative assumptions, we give ourselves time to see the situation more clearly. When we automatically react out of our "defensive" thoughts and beliefs, we end up strengthening our Starting Gate Positions of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor, and thus spend our days on the Victim Triangle.

Much later, after he had already reacted, Bill discovered that his boss hadn't been dismissing him by waving her hand at all! She had simply been "shooing away" a bothersome fly! We may think this is an unlikely scenario, but it's the kind of thing that happens all the time.

This week, instead of blindly believing your automatic assumptions about a situation, listen and ponder them carefully instead.

Return to sanity by clearing whenever you find yourself interpreting someone else's words or behavior in a negative way. Rather than assume you know the meaning of their words or gestures, ask them for clarification to be sure. Don't let the "victim voices" in your own head keep you trapped on the Triangle.


Have a great week.

Blessings, Lynne



Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

[CZBZ]

"Life Is So Hard!"

by Lynne Forrest

Another week has gone by and I find myself increasingly gratified by the heartfelt exchanges I am having with so many of you. Several of you have shared that you have had dramatic shifts in awareness as a result of reading and applying these weekly messages. Hearing such news delights and inspires me. Thank you.

It has long been my desire to make these truths available to you, and to as many others as I can because of their potential to liberate us from "Victim-hood." It is therefore rewarding to hear that so many of you are "getting it!"

You are probably noticing by now that what lies at the root of "victim vocabulary" is "victim thinking." As I'm sure you already know, our language comes from our thoughts, not the other way around. When we "marry" a thought by believing it, we destine ourselves to act accordingly. We will automatically feel and behave out of that belief. It's what humans do.

Each of us has a particular, all-encompassing mind set which is made up of some core idea that we adopted at some point (usually during our earliest years of life) as "the way it is." We then go about our lives blindly living out of that particular life decree, never suspecting that the resulting misery we experience is of our own making.

Let's look at an example of a common "Victim" belief to better illustrate how the "Victim" mindset works.

I have an old friend, let's call her "Betty" who adopted the following beliefs about life, "Life is too hard for me to deal with. I need a break, a distraction, an escape. Otherwise life is
overwhelming".

Betty has been propelled through life on the jets of such thoughts for more than 50 years now. Can you imagine what her life has been like? Betty often complains of feeling  stressed and unhappy, fearful and resentful. She feels embittered by what she calls the "unfair difficulty" of her life and compares herself to others who appear to her to have had an "unduly easy" life.   

Believing such thoughts keeps Betty in constant resistance to the way things are; she moves through her day braced against life. Because she believes life is hard, she  unconsciously and constantly looks for evidence to support her belief and then uses that evidence to justify needing to "escape" life. Her tendency to escape compounds the complexity of her life, as unfinished tasks and unresolved issues mound up around her, making for more chaos and further proving her premise about the hardship of life.

If we could hear inside Betty's head, it might sound like this:

     "Life is so hard, I can't find a good job and nobody cares about anybody besides themselves anyway."

     "People are insensitive and can't be trusted. I have no money.(Etc)"

     "Some days I don't even want to go on."

     "It's impossible to be happy with the world being the way it is."

     "Others seem to have it so easy, but my life is hard. The world is against me."

     "I can't keep up with life's demands on me. I have to find some way to escape or I'll go crazy. That's why I (smoke/drink/gamble/have affairs/ etc). Otherwise life is just too painful."


Living with such thoughts keeps Betty entrenched in a "Victim" mentality of resentment, fear and blame. Believing the thought, "Life is too hard to handle: I must escape," Betty's life is a shambles. Her house is a mess because she feels constantly overwhelmed and so she spends much of her time hiding, or retreating from life through some form of  escapism, time she could be spending cleaning house, or taking care of business so that life would be "easier." But rather than take care of herself, Betty instead complains that she is too exhausted from having to "deal" with life to be able to "face" it.

Because, Betty does not recognize that the source of her misery lies within her own thinking, she constantly blames others for her unhappiness. She thinks "they" are the ones that are making her life so difficult, and never suspects that it might be her thinking "about" life that is causing her pain.

For Betty, finding freedom from victim thinking would mean re-framing her thoughts:

     "My life is tailor-made for me. It provides me with the opportunities I need to strengthen and inspire me."

     "I do what is before me to do right now, understanding that nothing more is expected then that I do the best I can with what I have."

     "Everywhere I look I see sufficiency and bounty. I stay focused on appreciating what is working in my life."

     "I count my blessings everyday, with a grateful heart, and what I see, as a result, is an incredible world that is full of good things."


It is not life that is too hard, but our painful assumptions about life that make it seem so...

Begin to examine what you believe, especially the beliefs that bring unhappiness, and notice what behavior is prompted by those beliefs. Begin to look for ways to see yourself/others/life that bring better feelings, ways of seeing that inspire you to act in more positive, life affirming ways instead.


Have a great week!

Blessings, Lynne

[CZBZ]

"I Can't Be Wrong"

By Lynne Forrest

Greetings!

Thank you for all of the wonderful responses and questions! Your questions facilitate our ability to grow and learn and I love the opportunity!

When we have beliefs about how hard life is, we may put demands on ourselves and others about how life and we "should" be.

Can you see how an imposition of perfectionism fosters our unhappy beliefs about ourselves and the world? Of course! Expecting perfection of ourselves and the world inevitably leads to disappointment and pain.

When we believe that life is supposed to be "perfect," we either pretend that we are perfect or we try to hide that we are not. And if all else fails, we simply blame someone (or something) outside ourselves as the reason we (or life) is not perfect. All of these options result in proof that the world is a hard place to be.

When life is not perfect, and it never is, we move into resistance by complaining, whining, blaming or feeling overwhelmed. Our "perfectionism" ends up fostering a belief that life is hard, and causes us to spiral even further into a "Victim" mindset.

Our escape from Victim-hood happens through a shift in thinking that can only come from understanding that the cause of misery and suffering lies within the mind - not the external circumstances. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world keep us in Victim-hood.

Positive ways to view our imperfections:

"Perfection is not possible, nor even desirable - only willingness to learn and do my best."

"The lessons learned through this journey we call life are perfect because of their imperfections - the most valuable lessons in life are learned through our "failures".


Hope you find this helpful.

Blessings,
Lynne

[CZBZ]

"There is No Hope For Me"

by Lynne Forrest

Hello,

Another week has come and gone. I hope it has been a productive one for you and that you are finding the concepts we have been exploring here every week useful in dealing with your daily life issues. I so appreciate having this opportunity to share some of the realizations that have served me and that continue to bring a deeper sense of peace into the lives of many.
   
Today I want to explore how we limit and define ourselves by the negative "stories" we believe about who we are - I want to take a look at how such self definitions can adversely affect and limit the quality of our lives.

Let's start by asking a couple of questions:

     Who are we when we believe thoughts like, "I am hopeless"?

     How do we act and feel when we think we are the conditions we experience? (Addictions, disablement, aging, illness, etc.")

     "What limiting story are we currently believing about ourselves?"


Living out of our beliefs is something all humans do. We all have a "story" about who we think we are and when we believe these "stories" we inevitably "play that part" on the stage of life. We become the "star" in that particular life drama and "act it out" in our very own unique "production" of "my life."

When we believe that we are hopelessly damaged, for instance, we will automatically act the way we think "hopeless" people act - and sure enough, we will end up gathering the evidence
that proves it. What costs and/or benefits might come from living out such a belief?

I am not saying we don't have the conditions, diseases, mental imbalances, etc. that we experience in life. I am saying that these conditions, diseases, etc. are NOT who we are.

But when we believe that they define us, we align our thoughts, feelings and reactions with them and in doing so we become them and increase our suffering significantly!

The conditions we experience bring us great opportunities for increased consciousness. There is no "right" or "wrong" "story"; no one "story" that is "better" or "worse" than another; however there are some "stories" that, when believed and acted out, generate more misery than others!

We must learn to listen closely for the "story" we are believing about ourselves so we can question it. In this way we can prevent ourselves from defining & restricting ourselves by our limiting conditions.

I've mentioned before that the universal mantra of manifestation is contained within the two words, "I am ..." Whatever we put those two words in front of is how we are currently defining ourselves. It is wise to listen closely to what we are "I am-ing": "I am sick, hopeless, poor," etc. and opt, instead, to use these two words in front of concepts that define us in more expanded, freer terms.

Let's begin today to define ourselves in terms that will move us towards manifesting the radiant health, well-being and peace we truly desire.


Blessings, Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com

[CZBZ]

"I Don't Have Enough Time"

by Lynne Forrest

Hello Again,

Have you figured out that Victim Vocabulary starts with our thoughts? Our thoughts determine how we feel, speak and behave. This is always the case.

No matter how good we may think we are at hiding what we think, our thoughts are constantly being reflected in the things we say and do.

I had a mentor once who said to me, "Lynne, listen closely to the words you speak, because they will tell on you every time." It is true. Our words give us away.

To get out of Victim-hood, we must take stock of the things we say and locate the "victim" belief behind those words. It is on the level of our thoughts and beliefs that true change takes place.

We learn to pay special attention to what we complain about - to the things we negate and resist. These are the words that point us to where the source of our trouble really is, within our own minds.

A powerful example of a thought that comes out of "victim mind" is the phrase, "not enough."

Thoughts of "not enough" come out of underlying "victim" beliefs like:

     "I will not be taken care of."

     "There is no support for me."

     "The universe/Source will not provide my needs."


Such beliefs and the thoughts they engender keep us focused on "lack" or "scarcity," which is a victim state of consciousness. "Scarcity mentality" is a victim state of consciousness that keeps us chronically discontent and always "looking for more."

How often do we hear ourselves say such things as:

     "I'm not getting enough attention."

     "I don't have enough money."

     "I don't have enough time."

     "There's not enough(food, shelter, work, love) to go around."

     "I can't get enough done."

     "I don't have enough talent/expertise/intelligence to succeed."

     "I don't have enough stuff" (cars/furniture/jewelry/etc).


These are all ways we verbally affirm "scarcity," and thereby reinforce Victim-hood.

The opposite of "scarcity" is "sufficiency." When we live from a "state of sufficiency" we are focused on what we do have - on having enough.

We see life through a lens that says, "I have everything I need right this minute. My needs are sufficiently met, and I am grateful."

Sufficiency and gratitude are two key antidotes for Victim-hood. Let's make it our daily practice to tune in and turn our victim thoughts of scarcity to ones of grateful sufficiency instead.


Blessings,
Lynne

[CZBZ]

"There's Not Enough"

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings,

I've been doing some more thinking about the victim state of "scarcity" consciousness that we talked about last week. Scarcity consciousness is often expressed in the words, "there's not enough ... " When I heard the following true story this week, illustrating "scarcity mentality," I knew I had more to say to you on this topic.

First, the story:


A woman began to feed a stray cat in her neighborhood because she could not stand to see it go without food. To her, it clearly did not have "enough" to eat, and feeling sorry for it, she began to feed it. (This is often how "rescuing" begins.)

Soon, there were more stray alley cats showing up at her back door, begging to be fed. These too, appeared to be suffering from "not enough" food, so she fed them too. Before long, she had attracted so many strays to her house that the neighbors were complaining about being taken over by feral cats!

Nonetheless, our "cat lady" went on feeding the poor kitty's, who, in her opinion, were suffering, until finally, she was arrested for creating a nuisance in the neighborhood!

This is exactly where a belief in scarcity can lead!  It's the kind of thing that happens when we believe "there is not enough." Such a belief keeps us focused on seeing "victims" of deprivation! (In the example above, stray cats.)

When we believe in scarcity, we perceive it everywhere we look. As a result, we inadvertently act in ways that will end up creating even more scarcity! Just as this woman, in her efforts to rescue the neighborhood strays, ended up acting in ways that attracted more hungry "victims," which she then felt obligated to provide for.

This story describes the Rescuer/Victim dynamic on the Victim Triangle perfectly! The more we try to provide "enough" for "victims" in a perceived world of "not enough," the more "scarcity"
we attract!

The reason that believing in scarcity creates more scarcity is because the world is a mirror that reflects our beliefs to us. Whatever we believe is what we will see in the world around us
which prompts us to act in ways that will lead to the very outcomes that prove our beliefs! 

If we believe in a world where there is "not enough," then we will act in ways that prove to us that there is "not enough," just as our cat "rescuer" did. And, like her, if we take on rescuing those "victims" that we perceive as suffering from lack, we may well end up in the "victim" position ourselves!

Look around for the situations in your life where you may be acting out of a belief in scarcity and notice what the results are. Do you find yourself "rescuing" and ending up feeling the "victim?" Can you see how "rescuing" creates the need for more "rescuing?" How can you shift your perception from "scarcity" to one of "sufficiency?"


Blessings, Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com
1502 Bailey Ave, Chattanooga, TN 37404, USA

[CZBZ]

"In response to Feeling Our Feelings"

by Lynne Forrest

This week I am sharing something a little different with you; I received feedback from one of our readers about the importance of feeling ones feelings in order to heal, and I wanted to share my response to her with all of you.

I understand your thoughts about the importance of "feeling our feelings." I too, have ascribed to this train of thought for years in my personal work & in my work with others.

I DO think our feelings are a vital part of the recovery process! I worked in addictions/co-dependency treatment for years where we facilitated anger/shame/grief work with our clients, so I really get what you are saying - and appreciate it.

There is something, however, that I had failed to fully comprehend. Something that has transformed not only my work with clients, but my whole life experience.

That is simply that our feelings come from our thoughts. What we feel is determined by what we think and believe! 

This understanding prompted a huge turn around in me because I realized that, unless we begin to intervene at the level of what we believe, the grieving(shame/anger) NEVER ends. Initiating feeling work without addressing the beliefs behind those feelings will not bring true clearing. It cannot, because we will just go on generating those negative emotional states by believing the thoughts that produced the feelings in the first place! 

Our feelings are important. But what happens through understanding the relationship between thoughts and feelings is that we shift our focus in relation to how we work with those feelings. Once we understand that our thoughts cause our pain, we are no longer at the mercy of our life circumstances, other peoples behavior, OR our own feelings! The only thing that can possibly victimize us is our own thinking! 

Understanding that our beliefs are what causes our feelings allows us to use our feelings as the messengers they are meant to be. Feelings alert us that we are thinking painful thoughts. By questioning those thoughts, our feelings can TRULY shift (I'm not talking about denial or stuffing feelings here, but a genuine emotional shift!). Misery dissipates as we re-frame our perception of a situation. This is what I have found.

I recommend that you experiment with this idea for yourself and see what you find. I'll be eager to hear.

If you'd like to study this more, I recommend two books, "Loving What Is,"  by Byron Katie and "The Biology of Belief" by Dr Bruce Lipton.

[CZBZ]

"If Only They Appreciated Me More"

Greetings,

I hope this weeks message from "Victim Vocabulary" finds you well and growing in awareness! Writing these weekly notes prompts me to take notice of some common, widely practiced examples of "Victim-eze" (victim language). I notice that the language of "Victim-eze" comes from "distorted beliefs," or "painful myths" that we hold and never question.

Today I want to examine one such victim belief/myth and explore what happens when we believe it: The commonly held myth, "It is selfish to take care of ourselves. We are supposed to take care of others and they are supposed to take care of us. That is what love is."

When we believe such a "myth" we automatically look for people we think need to be taken care of (and therefore need our "love") and begin to interact with them as rescuers and caretakers.
We assume that if we do a good job of taking care of them then they will repay us by taking good care of us ("love us" in return). We end up interacting with them, not from a state of love and acceptance, but from a sense of obligation, guilt, or pity. 

Believing the "myth" that to rescue is to love, we look for how others don't take care of themselves and then move in to "care for them" usually by doing it for them. In this way, we think we are "loving" them. We don't recognize that we are discounting them, and not loving them at all!

To practice such a perception of others requires seeing them as incapable and/or unable to handle reality. In other words, we see them as "victims" - which is not a very "loving" way to see
another, right? We think of them as "unfortunate," weak," or "incapable," and feel compelled to take responsibility for them. Before we know it, we truly believe that they are dependent on our "help," that they can't take care of themselves without us! We  think rescuing them is the "caring" thing to do.

When we see friends and loved ones as "victims," we modify our interaction with them to reflect our "victim" assumptions about them. For instance, we may start walking on eggshells around them because we don't want to hurt their feelings or because we don't want them to know we feel sorry for them. We interact with them by giving advice, criticizing and/or correcting them; we cover for their shortcomings or feed them empty words of praise in an effort to "build their self-esteem," or "fix" them. In essence, we attempt to move in and take over their lives.

The sort of rescuing that comes from a victim myth about what love is reinforces beliefs of inadequacy in others. As a result, not only do they not take care of us, but they do less and less for themselves. They become more dependent on us and more powerless in their own lives. Eventually they become so deflated, that they expect us to take care of them and resent us when we don't! In other words, we think it's our job to take care of them, and they agree!

The other part of such a victim myth about love involves our relationship with ourselves; the more we rescue others, the more we neglect ourselves. The more we neglect ourselves, the worse we feel. Now we feel like victims! And we are! We are victims of our own "myth!"

There is a replacement belief for the unhappy myth, "We are supposed to take care of others, and vice-versa" - a belief that generates love and acceptance instead of resentment and dependency. It is, "When we take care of ourselves FIRST, everyone benefits."

This belief comes from understanding that it is our job to take care of ourselves, not theirs. Likewise, it is their job to take care of themselves, not ours.

This week, practice asking yourself these questions:

"Am I taking responsibility for someone else at my own expense?"

"If so, what are the consequences?"

"What do I need to do to take care of myself?"

"Am I willing to take that action towards loving me?"

When we practice taking care of ourselves first, we model that lifestyle for our loved ones. We feel better, and so do they as a result.

Blessings, Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.


If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com

1502 Bailey Ave, Chattanooga, TN 37404, USA

[CZBZ]

"My children do not respect me"


by Lynne Forrest

Greetings!


Another week is here. I hope you are learning more about your world through these emails. My own awareness is certainly growing!

This week I want to expound on the Universal Principle, "The world is a mirror of my own thoughts and beliefs".

When we understand that life is a mirror of our inner thoughts, it alleviates the need to blame external circumstances for our unhappiness.

Whenever you react negatively to someone or some situation, the above principle teaches us to ask these questions:


          "What am I telling myself about this person/situation?"

          "What is the underlying belief?"(Remember our feelings always come from our thoughts, not the external situation.)


Once we've determined our misery-making belief, we apply Byron Katie's "Four Questions and Turn Arounds" process. Byron Katie's "Four Questions and Turn Arounds" process powerfully illustrates how the world reflects our beliefs. You can visit Byron Katie's site: http://www.thework.com/index.asp

If you are not yet familiar with Byron Katie's four questions, they are as follows:

          Is it true?

          Do you absolutely know that it's true?

          How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

          Who would you be without the thought?

          Turn it around.


But it's when we turn our thought/belief around to its' opposite that we see exactly how the situation is reflecting our thoughts.

Let's take an example.

Sue is  upset because her children refuse to clean their rooms like she asked them to. She yells at them and then feels guilty. Often she ends up in tears not knowing what else to do. In response to the question "What am I telling myself and believing about this situation?" she responds, "My children do not respect me, I must be a bad parent. Sue's process goes something like this:

"My children do not respect me", Is it true?

          Yes, otherwise they would clean their room when I ask them to.


Do I absolutely know that my children do not respect me?

          No.


How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

          I feel angry, ignored, helpless and ineffective as a parent.


Who would you be without the thought?

          I would probably be more patient, more loving, less angry, and more  accepting towards them and myself.


Turn it around. "My children do not respect me"
 
          I do not respect my children.
         
          I do not respect myself.


Sue's children are simply a reflection, or a mirror of her own poor opinion of herself as a mother. The source of our pain inevitably is found within our own minds. The world simply reflects it to us. When we really understand that the world is our mirror, then even the things that we most resist are appreciated as the teachers they are meant to be.


   
Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested. If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com

[CZBZ]

"I am Sick and Tired"

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings,

I hope you are noticing the abundance and wonder of your life more as you continue to practice giving up Victim Vocabulary. I've noticed there is indeed a direct relationship between joy & victim free language!

Last week, we talked about the habitual use (abuse) of the phrase, 'I'm sorry,' and about what happens when we are constantly 'sorry.' I received a response worth sharing from a fellow subscriber on that topic. She reminded me that there IS a positive use of the words, "I am sorry." She said, "... that's interesting about how much we use the phrase "Im sorry."  When I'm telling J--- (my husband) about something my Mom had done, or something that's happened to me that day, sometimes he'll say, "I'm sorry." I know he doesn't mean he's sorry for anything that HE did, he's just saying "I'm sorry" as a form of empathy or compassion.It makes me feel better and I love it when he says, "I'm sorry.  .... It makes me feel heard and somehow "whatever situation I'm describing to him isn't so bad anymore."

She is right! The phrase, "I'm sorry," emanates a very different and lighter feeling when used to show compassion. As a matter of fact, such use of "I'm sorry" is something I can heartily endorse as truly beneficial! I appreciate being reminded of the positive use of those words.

The phrases that I want to talk about this week, however, bring with them a much heavier energy. This weeks victim vocabulary carry overtones of despair and hopelessness, both of which are chronic victim emotional states.


Let's look more closely at these phrases:

          "I'm sick and tired."

          "I can't go on."

          "I can't take anymore."

Can you feel the sense of heaviness these phrases relay?


I am reminded of something I discovered from reciting such "victi-cisms"; Instead of easing up when I'd say I can't take anymore, the Universe instead showed me I could indeed!" When our
words have such a heavy, 'down' energy, we will simply attract more heaviness. It's the law of attraction. Low, heavy, negative energy is a sure sign that we are dwelling in a state of Victim-hood. The effect on ourselves and others of the words we choose to speak helps us determine when we are using Victim Vocabulary, and are therefore in a state of Victim-hood.

When we speak phrases like those mentioned above, we do so from a sense of being at the mercy of our feelings. ("But I FEEL sick and tired! I can't help the way I feel.") In other words, we see ourselves as victims of our feelings. It's as if we think that a feeling state suddenly descends upon us and renders us powerless over it. We fail, once again, to recognize that there is a belief underlying every emotional state. It is always our thoughts that generate our feelings.

Such phrases (I'm sick and tired, etc.) imply an underlying victim belief system. Speaking this way implies, for instance, that too much is expected of us, or that we are stretched to our limit;
we believe we are unfairly treated, unloved, unsupported or too heavily burdened. Etc. Believing such ideas, prompts us to feel immediately overwhelmed, unappreciated and all alone in an uncaring world. We want to give up. ("Why not? It's too much for us to bear!") We become less and less outwardly effective under the influence of such inner and outer spoken concepts.

We must examine such negative assumptions carefully and begin to look for higher, more positive ways to interpret our life situations.

Instead of seeing ourselves as being at the mercy of our emotions, we can begin to change our feelings by changing the way we think and speak.


Here are some sample turn around phrases for the Victim Vocabulary mentioned above:

          "I have the strength and resources I need to handle this days challenges."

          "Being tired indicates a need and desire for rest. I will rest, knowing I will awaken refreshed and ready to embrace my day."

          "I am supported by a Universe that knows my every need. I rely on that Source to prompt and guide me to do what's ultimately best for me."

          "I am headed into a better and better reality!"



Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[CZBZ]

"I Give Up!"

Greetings,

Another week has come and gone, every day filled with opportunities to practice conscious choice, rather than reacting habitually out of old patterns of belief. I hope you have chosen to be awake and on the watch out for those times when unconscious thoughts and words land us in victim-hood.

I often remind clients that landing in victim-hood is normal, even inevitable. There is no judgment about how many times we get caught up in victim-hood. What matters is how long we stay there. It is our return to reality that is important.

When you are upset about something, ask yourself these questions:

What negative thought is causing me distress right now?

Am I willing to observe what happens when I believe that thought?

Am I willing to get honest with myself about what I see?

Or am I looking for something out there to blame?

One way that a victim mind-set manifests itself in our lives is through an attitude of defeat. Here is a sample of how an "I give up" story might be played out in life:

As a child:

If a parent repeatedly says, "You can't get it right. Give it here, I'll do it!" We decide, "I give up".

"I give up" becomes the life theme. It becomes the central core around which we create a victim story that we then verify over and over. The life theme/victim story becomes our identity. We take on a 'victim ego.'


As life progresses the "I give up" story might play out like this:

In Youth:

School is too hard. I can't do it. I give up.

I'm not any good at sports. I give up.

I'm not good enough. I give up.

   
As Young Adult:

This marriage is too hard, it will never work. I give up.

These kids are impossible. They won't listen to me. I give up.


In Mid-life:

I'll never succeed in my career. I give up.

Dieting is too hard and I can't control my eating. I give up.

I never complete anything, why even start. I give up.

I am getting old and I can't make myself exercise. I give up.


During Senior Years:

I can't remember well anymore and it's too hard to follow the conversation. I give up.

I am too old to get better. My body doesn't work right anymore. I give up.

I can't beat this disease. I give up.


On Deathbed:

I cannot get well. I give up.

It takes too much effort to live. I give up.

It's too late for me. I give up.


"I give up" is an insidious mind set that robs us of life on every front. Instead of claiming victory for our lives, this mind set establishes us as losers who settle for scarcity, poor health and unhappy circumstances. I've worked with clients who started giving up on life as children, inch by inch, so that by the time they were young adults they barely functioned at all!

Of course, there is an appropriate time for 'giving up.' There are lots of things that, after much deliberation and clearing, we need to give up, i.e. let go of such things as, attitudes, beliefs, jobs, addictions, relationships, things that are not furthering us need to be surrendered. This is not the kind of 'giving up' being addressed here. I speak of the kind of giving up that is never appropriate to do; It is never appropriate to give up on ourselves, our lives, or Source.

Giving up on any of these lands us in a state of victim-hood.

What is the antidote for "I give up?" A will to live- founded on gratitude!


When we find ourselves wanting to give up on ourselves or life, we turn our full attention to Source and proclaim victory over victim by saying things like:

No matter how many mistakes I make I keep going forward. I learn from them and get better and better all the time. I never give up on me.

I know that no matter how hard what I'm trying to learn seems, I will improve with practice. I will practice until I am able to do it with ease and proficiency. I do not give up.

I rise above my circumstances and grow from them. I understand that my life trials prepare me for leadership and future success. I am confident in my ability to realize my goals. I continue, one foot in front of the other, always moving forward. I never give up on my life.

I know that the difficulties I experience in my marriage or with my children are intended to grow me into a better, more conscious and forgiving person. Therefore I seek to understand my own reactions first, rather than fixate on how they need to be different.

I never give up on love.

I take full responsibility for my decisions in my relationship. I know, whether we stay together or not, that this relationship was meant to be and that I have grown from our time together.

I never give up on reality.

No matter what disease I am dealing with, I know that healing is possible.

I never give up on life.

No matter how old I am, I live fully alive every single moment. I will never be too old to feel my oneness with a Source that loves me. I never give up on Source.

Wishing you a lifetime of never giving up!


Blessings, Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter:  http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[CZBZ]

"I'm Not Strong Enough"

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings,

I eagerly look forward to sharing with you each week more ways of moving out of a state of victim-hood into empowerment through the way we think and speak.

I've probably said it before, nonetheless, it's worth saying again: what we believe determines how we think, feel, behave, and what we say. True freedom is possible only when we challenge what we believe. Until we question our victim beliefs, we continue to think the victim thoughts that generate the unhappy feelings that go with the thoughts that prompt us to act and speak from a state of Victimhood. 

Let's examine one example of what happens, for instance, when we believe the thought, "I'm not strong enough."

"I'm not strong enough" becomes an indictment against our whole life expression when we automatically believe it without questioning it. Anytime we assume powerlessness over our life situations, then we are dealing with a mind-set that deeply imprisons us in a state of Victim-hood. Such a limiting mind-set can take over our lives, permeating the air we breathe with a sense of hopeless futility that can undermine everything we do.

I want to share a story about how powerful the "I'm not strong enough" story can be. It is a true story that was told to me by a client about his daughter.

"My daughter, Billie was unstoppable at keeping up with her three older brothers in most any kind of outdoor sport. She was particularly daring when it came to swimming, but one day when
Billie was seven years old, that all changed.

It happened at our favorite lakefront. This particular lake was our favorite spot to swim because it had a sturdy rope swing that the kids loved to take turns on. They would swing out over the lake and jump in again, and again, all day long. Like her big brothers, Billie would grab the rope, and without hesitation, run as hard as she could and then leap out over the lake to compete with them to see who could swing the furthest out before falling to the water below. That is until that fateful day when three teenage girls showed up at the lake.

The teenagers laid out their blankets on the lake bank to sunbathe close by where the kids were swinging out over the lake. They sat there on the blanket, watching and laughing, as the older boys each took a turn on the rope swing. But, when Billie reached to take hold of the rope swing, the laughter suddenly stopped. As Billie grabbed hold of the rope, one of the teenage girls suddenly exclaimed in real angst, "STOP IT. Little girl! You'll get hurt!" and Billie dropped the rope like she'd been burned by it! She backed away, alarm and fear written on her face.

Well, Billie has yet to swing out on that rope again. No amount of encouragement can get her to try it. Billie believed what those girls said, and has yet to question her assertion. When asked why she won't swing, she simply says, "I can't, daddy. I'll get hurt."

This story is a graphic illustration of the power of belief, and in this case it illustrates the power of  believing, "I'm not strong enough." Our limiting beliefs can rule over us completely, as in Billie's case, not because what we believe is true, but simply because we act as though it's true.

We must learn to listen for times when we limit ourselves with a belief of weakness. Often " I'm not strong enough" is implied in such statements as these:

I can't

I'm too unskilled

I'm not smart enough

I'm too shy

I'm too tired

It's too far

They won't let me

I am confused

I don't know how

I'm too sick

I'm not in shape

I'm not prepared

I'm afraid


When you hear yourself thinking "I'm not strong enough," quickly question whether it is really true. Ask yourself how you act when you believe that thought. Allow yourself to move out of a powerless state of Victim-hood and into a more life-affirming state, with self-responsible assertions like, "I am strong enough, I will, I can, I could - but I don't want to," or "I choose not to."
Dare to own for yourself the power of your inner strength.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

My life Sucks!

Greetings,

Another week has come and gone. I hope you are noticing a vast improvement in the quality of your life as you incorporate the principles of these weekly messages into your daily life. These principles work immediately and unfailingly when we apply them! I trust you are finding this out for yourself through practicing the suggestions we are sharing each week.

My daughter recently mentioned how often she hears her friends (thirty-somethings) say these words, "My life sucks!" often in reference to:

"I've been married three times and now I'm getting another divorce."

"I lost my job to someone with less experience."

"My kids (Spouse, friends, family) treat me like dirt."

Surely by now, you too, can hear the "victim tone" in statements such as these! Rather than assuming personal responsibility for the outcomes in their life, these complainers, stuck in Victim-hood, imply instead that someone, or something, else is responsible for their unhappy life! Wow, what hopelessness that assumption breeds!

The truth is, as long as we focus on our "hard life", about how our "life sucks," we will continue to experience a "life that sucks" There is a universal principle that explains why that is so; it
says, "Whatever we focus on expands."

We attract into our lives more of what we are paying the most attention to, positive or negative. For instance, when we drive, we may notice that we automatically steer towards that which we have focused our vision on, whether we mean to or not. Well, we do the same thing elsewhere in life too.

When we are in a state of Victim-hood, we "steer" towards unhappiness by focusing on the negative aspects of our lives. As victims, we tend to dwell on what is not working, and complain
about how unfairly life treats us, having no idea that we are unconsciously "choosing" more unhappiness by doing so! We affirm our unhappiness by focusing on it, and thereby generate more unhappiness!

The turn around occurs when we focus instead on what IS working in our lives. We insist on looking for and affirming the things we would like to see more of in our lives because we understand that that is how we "steer" ourselves towards those things!

From a space of assuming personal responsibility, we say things like:

"I learned invaluable lessons from my previous marriage. As a result I am more clear about what I want in relationship. I am a better person for the experience."

"I did not get that job because it was obviously not the right job for me."

"My troublesome relationship has taught me a lot about how to treat myself better and I am grateful for the opportunity to see myself more clearly."

For more on how relationships mirror our relationship with ourselves see my blog http://lynneforrest.com/blog/2009/07/20/finding-the-right-relationship/


Make a list of your complaints about how hard life is. Turn each complaint around by listing the gifts/opportunities each one brings you. Don't stop until you have at least three positives beside each negative.
 
Our job is to catch ourselves when we get on the "Life sucks" bandwagon, and choose to focus on how "Life Rocks" instead!

Rock on, with my blessing,

Lynne

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

We Are All Story Makers

Greetings!

Hope this email finds you well.

This week I am going to begin a new email series, "The Victim Story." In this series I will share with you the basic fundamentals of how it is we create, and then live out, a limited efinition, or story, about who we are. I will share with you specific ways we use others to verify our unhappy beliefs, and in so-doing, create for ourselves a life lived in the state of Victim-hood. Just as important though, I will share tips on how to intervene and transform our limited stories towards realizing a happier harvest in our lives!

Let's get started.


There's one thing, we, as humans, all share in common; we are ALL story makers. You and I could be walking down the street together and see someone walking towards us; without even thinking about it, we would each create in our minds a very specific idea/definition/story about that person. We might look them over and immediately decide we know what kind of person they are, where they are going, whether we like them or now, etc - all based on our cursory glimpse of them. Our stories may or may not resemble one another's. That's beside the point. What's relevant is that, without any first hand experience of that person, we created a story about them that we will most likely believe without question! Such story-making is an automatic thing that all humans do.

This story-making tendency/ability is a potent phenomenon among humans because our psyches are constructed so that we automatically manifest in physical reality whatever it is we believe. Our thoughts become beliefs when we believe what we think. Our beliefs then become concrete reality.

Here is the formula:

Thoughts become beliefs. What we believe automatically prompts us to feel and act as if that belief is true. We then act (or react) out of that belief in ways that manifest and verify it.


An example:

I believe the thought, "I don't matter to him/her." Believing that thought prompts me to feel sad, hurt, unloved, rejected, unimportant, and/or resentful in his/her presence. Feeling those
feelings, I act accordingly; the way I treat him/her is affected by my belief that I don't matter to them. I start avoiding him/her. I may withdraw from them.

I may automatically criticize and/or discount what they say because I'm mad and hurt at them for "not caring." I may even try to hurt them back, because I think they are hurting me. I probably talk negatively about them, to 'win our friends over' so they will 'side with me' against him/her.

If I am acting in these ways towards him/her, what do you think their response to me might be? Do you think they might respond to me in a way that actually reinforces my belief that I don't matter?

If we could see our reactive behavior in a mirror, we would see ourselves acting in ways that prompt others to respond to us in specific ways. It's what is meant by the true expression, "we teach others how to treat us." We do, in fact, teach others, by the way we interact with them, how to treat us in ways that inevitably verify our beliefs.

Creating and then acting out of unhappy stories about ourselves and others is not something some of us do. It is something we ALL do. It is the chief cause of our unhappiness in our relationships.

Think of someone you have difficulty with. Write down exactly why you find them difficult. Be blunt in your description and as judgmental towards them as you truly feel. Now, write down how you act towards them when you believe those ideas/judgments/stories about them.

Imagine you are that person, that you are interacting with someone who acts the way you describe yourself acting when you believe what you wrote above. How would you respond, as that
person, towards someone like you acting in the ways you describe?

The next time you are with that person, try this:

Imagine that you don't believe the things you wrote about him/her. Imagine you are not sure that your beliefs about him/her are true. How would your behavior towards them change?
How do you think they might respond differently?

I see our daily life circumstances as a sort of laboratory where we can experiment with such precepts and discover for ourselves if they work, find out for ourselves if they are true and have practical application to our lives. I invite and encourage you also to take these ideas into your life. Experiment with them and share with me what you discover.



Blessings,
Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

Core Beliefs

Greetings,

I hope your week has been an enlightening one, full of growing self awareness and a deepening appreciation for life. Last week we talked about how we humans are such accomplished story makers. Of course, we should be good at story making since we've been creating stories about life since early childhood.

The first story we ever think up and then come to believe is "the story of me": it's the story we make up about who we are as compared to the rest of the world and it comes from our interpretation of how others treat us, as well as how they interact with each other.

From what we observe and experience as children, drawn from our limited experience and understanding, we come up with a set of beliefs about ourselves and the world around us that we blindly believe and carry forward, often oblivious to the fact that we're doing so. These original beliefs lie at the core of our self definition. We call them 'core beliefs'.

Seeing life through our core beliefs is like looking at the world through a pair of dark sunglasses. Everything we see is colored by the lens we view it through. We assume the way we see things is the way they are and we act accordingly. We rarely, if ever, question these core beliefs. As a result, we see what we believe.

Have you ever had the experience of searching all over for something, only to find it right there in plain view where it had been the whole time? How about the opposite experience where you swear something is there that turns out not to be there at all? The mind dictates what the eyes see and don't see! The mind governs our seeing based on what it believes.

The mind is like a movie projector. Our story of core beliefs about us and the world is like the film that the mind/projector projects onto the screen we call, "life". Every one of us has a
particular story, better to call it a 'drama', that we are deeply invested in directing, staging and starring in, whether we are conscious of it or not.

When we believe something, we project it and then see it, whether it's reality or not. This habit of projection is not something reserved for the mentally unstable, it is something all humans do. Most of the time, most of us fall for our projections completely. We may project a negative, or positive, quality onto someone and then are only able to see in them that which verifies
what we have projected.

This projection process is one we often witness between new lovers.

Friends may say, "what does she see in him?" But all she can see is how handsome and strong he is. She fails to see the negative qualities her friends are trying to warn her about until much later, after the effects of the idyllic projection have worn off. Then she wonders how she could have missed them!

But projection is not reserved only for lovers, we all do it every day, all day long. We project both positive and negative beliefs/attributes/qualities onto others. In addition, we project our judgments towards ourselves onto others. The general rule in such matters is this: what we don't accept in ourselves we will project onto others and then judge them for it.

For instance, Sally hates being around Ed. She says he undermines her and tries to control her. Whenever she is with him, she is snippy and quick to take offense at the things he suggests because she suspects his motives. Often she manipulates situations to keep him from having a say-so.

As Sally began to work through her relationship issues with Ed, she came to see that her judgments about Ed were characteristics of her own. Characteristics in herself that she had judged as unacceptable and denied. She was able to identify that she was doing the very kind of things towards Ed that she had accused him of doing. She undermined his suggestions and she tried to control him by manipulating situations. She was, in fact, projecting onto Ed that which she had judged as unacceptable about herself.

As painful as projection is, it has a profound purpose. Only through projection, can we come to know and forgive the parts of ourselves that we have judged harshly and denied.

Do this: Write down the name of someone who really triggers you in a negative way. List beside their name the characteristics and traits that you find so offensive about them. Now take each characteristic you attributed to that person and take ownership of it. Then find examples of how that is true.

Example:

Ed demeans me.
I demean me.

Ed is controlling.
I am controlling when I try to manipulate the situation to go my way. 


Now, do the same exercise with someone you admire. Write the traits you value about them and then again, write them with your name and examples of how those traits are yours as well.

Begin to consciously increase your awareness of times when you are projecting. Learn to use your judgment of others as opportunities to forgive yourself for similar shortcomings.


Blessings,
Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.


If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates,
you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to:
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well.
If you would like more information about her services,
you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter:
http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

The Victim Perception

Greetings,

Has your week flown by? Mine certainly has! Are you attaining a higher degree of awareness towards recognizing when you are caught up in an unhappy story? Such unbiased awareness is a chief factor in finding inner peace.

I often tell clients that it is not how often we get caught up in our unhappy stories, but how long it takes to let them go that determines our progress toward peace and inner happiness. The more responsibility we take for producing our unhappy stories the less time we have to spend in a victim state of consciousness, and the faster we can achieve mental freedom.

Last week we discussed how we project our inner story onto others and create disharmony. Over the next two weeks, I want to share with you some of the differences between the Victim's perception and what I call an Observer's perception. The Victim's perception views the world around us as happening to or against us whereas the Observer's  perceives life as happening for us - to support us in some way.

Let's look more closely at the difference between these two types of perceptions:


The Victim's Perception: External Event - Feelings - Reaction 

External event: A car suddenly pulls out in front of you without signaling its intentions to do so.

Feelings: You react with anger towards the driver of the other car.

Reaction: You honk loudly, or roll down your window and yell a few choice words at the other driver. Or maybe you simply mutter and frown. You feel justified in your angry reaction because the other driver "made you mad."


Most of us live our lives by the above formula. Something happens. We have a negative emotional reaction and then negatively react outwardly. It's a way of seeing that always leaves us feeling victimized.

A Victim's perception is an outwardly focused way of seeing the world. The Victim's perception comes from believing that what we see and experience in the outside world determines our inner state of being.

The idea that we are at the mercy of some external happening leaves us feeling blown around by life like leaves in the wind. Such is the definition of the state of consciousness we call Victim-hood. In the state of Victim-hood the outside world and the people in it control our lives and well-being.

The opposite and healthier option is an Observer's perception. It looks more like this:


External Event - Feelings - Thoughts/Story about Event - Chosen Response

Here the external event serves only as a neutral trigger. What it triggers is not our feelings, but our story about the external event. Our feelings come from what we tell ourselves rather than from the external event. Knowing this allows us to choose how we respond. We can process our thoughts about the event and in that way completely change our emotional response to it. This is a major key to mental freedom from a state of Victim-hood.

Having the right to choose how we perceive the world around us is what it means to have free will and having it is good news indeed! Being free to choose how we see things means we never have to be at the mercy of an outside world. It means that though we cannot choose the circumstances of our lives, we can always choose how to perceive those circumstances and that makes all the difference in our internal state of well being!

I will explain the Observer Perception in more detail next week.


Have a great week.
Blessings,
Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to:
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

Observer's Perception

Greetings,

Hope you are loving this learning process too! It is awe inspiring to me that we never stop learning more about ourselves and others through this work. Last week's message was mainly about the Victim Perception. This week I want to talk more about the Conscious Observer's Perception.

Last week I summed up the Conscious Observer's Perception as follows:

External Event - Feelings - Thoughts/Story about Event - Chosen Response


Now, let's look at an example:

The external event: Your spouse is late in meeting you for something that you had both agreed on in advance.

Feelings: Feelings arise of resentment, anger, anxiety. As an Observer you notice the feelings and remind yourself that your feelings are created from your thoughts. The reminder prompts you to look to your own thoughts, to what you are telling yourself for the cause of your unhappiness, rather than fixating on their tardiness as being the reason you are upset.

Story about the Event: You hear the story that your mind automatically creates and that produces your negative feelings.  Rather than blindly react out of negative thoughts like, "He/she always does this to me."  or "She/he takes our marriage for granted." you instead withhold your judgment by suspecting the validity of such painful thoughts.

Realizing your unhappy story about your spouse might not be true, you are prompted to suspend belief in your negative story because to believe your negative thoughts about your spouse creates blind misery and hurt feelings. You remind yourself that these are simply thoughts about reality and not reality itself. To believe those thoughts blindly and react negatively as a result is an unkind way to treat yourself. You stand back from your negative story, and question it closely.

Response: As a result of observing and questioning your thoughts rather than blindly reacting you are able to respond in a healthier way to the situation. You find  something useful or fun to do with the extra time you've been given, deciding to trust that things happen the way they do for a positive reason. When you find out the reason for your spouses tardiness you respond from a place of love and understanding because you want to feel positive about him/her and because it's the most loving way to treat yourself. This is you practicing self-love.

To develop and strengthen the Observer's Perception we must shift our external focus to an internal focus. We stop looking for something out there to blame and instead look for the thoughts in our own minds as being the number one cause of our unhappiness. Being internally focused means that we understand that we automatically, without fail, see what we believe, every time. 

An internal focus allows us to understand that we are never truly victims because we choose how we perceive our lives and that perception determines our emotional and mental state.

Try this:

Look for something in your life that you feel at the mercy of, either a person or a situation. Write down what you tell yourself about what they are doing to you and the way it makes you feel. Then, write down how you react to the situation when you believe those thoughts.

Now go over what you've written and underline the words and phrases that imply that they, or it, are responsible for your negative reactions, or negative state of mind. This is where your are blaming something outside you for your unhappiness.

Work with those thoughts by rewriting them as sentences that start with the words, "I tell myself that ...."

For example, "I tell myself that he was trying to hurt me." These words at the beginning of the phrase help you take responsibility for causing your own unhappiness.

Now write the same sentence, but this time put the words, "I hurt myself" at the beginning of the sentence. For example, "I hurt myself when I tell myself that he's trying to hurt me."  Look for how this might be true.

Notice the qualitative difference in these various levels of perceiving. Which leaves you feeling least like a victim? Most empowered? Which leaves you feeling most at the mercy of? What are the feelings that go with each level of perceiving? Which do you prefer?


Have a great week.

Blessings,
Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to:
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well.
If you would like more information about her services,
you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter:
http://twitter.com/lynneforrest