Victim Vocabulary by Lynne Forrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

I am Not Important to the People I Love

Greetings,

I hope this message finds you well and growing in peace. I derive much pleasure from sharing with you each week information that may help you attain freedom from a limiting Victim Story. This week I want to give an example from my own history of what projecting our stories onto others can produce.

I came into my marriage carrying an old story from childhood. The core idea of the story I carried was, "I am not important to the people I love," and I had unconsciously produced a whole drama around that unhappy belief and played it out again, and again in all of my significant prior relationships.

Here's an example of how I might play it out:

I come home from a long day at the office. I am tired and hungry, conditions that lend themselves to what I like to call, the Victim-ego takeover. I walk in to find my husband, Daniel watching TV. He barely looks up because he's caught up in his favorite sit-com.

I take mental note of his inattention to me. Immediately my Victim-ego decides that he is not paying attention to me because I am not important to him. I don't think to question the thought. I just decide it must be true! That thought becomes strike one against Daniel. I use it to verify my belief that I am not important to him. I succeed in projecting my unhappy story on him and now I start acting it out.

I ask if he has eaten dinner. He tells me he's already eaten and that he fixed nothing for me, not knowing what time I would be home from work. Hearing his words through my Victim-ego, which is now running my mind, I am immediately offended. Strike two, as my list of evidence mounts that proves I am unimportant to my husband. "See he doesn't even care if I've eaten dinner!"

I complain to him, saying, "If you really cared about me, you would have considered my needs too!" These are fighting words. They are words designed to trigger my husband's story - after all he also has a victim story of himself as being unfairly treated too.

My husband reacts to my words from his victim story by saying something like this, "It doesn't matter what I do, you are never happy. You always find something to complain about." Now we're off to the races! Both of us react from what we believe about the other. We act in ways designed, not to bring clearing or harmony, but to gather evidence for our own misery-making stories.

This sort of interaction goes on between us for hours, days, weeks, even months at a time. Believing my story I explain, wheedle, whine, demand, threaten, and in all ways try to manipulate him to do what I think he "should" do to prove that I am important to him.

The more I try to control him into giving me the affection and attention I think I want, the more I provide him with evidence that reinforces his belief that his efforts are useless. He grows more and more distant. The more distant he is the more angry and hurt I am. We go round and round like this for the first several years of our marriage.

Such an example of interacting through our victim stories may ring all too familiar to you. My description above is a common example of how our negative stories get played out in relationship. In such relationships, where the victim state of consciousness rules, we use each other to prove our unhappy stories. Our drive to be right about what we believe the other is doing to us, or not doing for us, is more important than our desire for peace, love and harmony between us.

Next week, I will describe to you how I turned it all around.

Until then, think about your own relationship story. What is your most common complaint in your primary relationship? How do you treat your loved one when you believe it? What do you do to gather evidence to verify your story? And what behavior does that elicit from them?

I support your quest for truth and peace of mind.

Blessings,
Lynne

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

If You Love Me, You Will Make Me Happy

Greetings,

I hope your week has been productive and enlightening. Last week I shared an example from my life to illustrate the way our personal beliefs and stories can take over and destroy our relationships. This week my intention is to share with you how I turned those unhappy endings into times of peace and harmony between my husband and me.

Mine was a dramatic turn around. For me, awakening seems to be occurring through a sequence of exponential shifts in consciousness. This particular awakening is an example of what I
mean.

Daniel and I were on our usual morning walk. As usual I was sharing with him, in my intense, personal way, what I passionately believed he should be doing to prove that he loved me. The words  I used are the same ones I had used with my previous mates in an unconscious quest to prove my old victim story about how unimportant I was to them.

I was used to getting the typical Rescuer response, meaning I would complain to the man in my life that they weren't giving me enough attention and they would jump through hoops in an effort to assuage my complaints until one or the other of us would tire enough of the dynamic to finally give up and call it quits.

On this particular morning, my husband's response was to become increasingly withdrawn and silent - until  he finally responded as no other man had done. He stopped in his tracks, turned and looked me in the eyes and with stern conviction, said something like this:

"I am not that man, Lynne. I cannot, and will not even try to be the man you have decided in your mind I need to be to make you happy. Making you happy is not my job. It is yours. And you are the one who needs to be seeing to it, not me."
 
And then my husband turned around and left, leaving me to sort it through for myself. Well, I was devastated. I crumpled to the ground (a bit dramatic, I know!) and wept. I was furious and hurt. But there was also a distinctly audible and frankly unruffled part of me that knew I had just heard the truth.

That very day I decided to start taking care of myself rather than go on trying to demand, beg and control my spouse into doing it for me. I was tired of the misery such efforts left me in. That was the beginning of a huge shift towards self-love.

Even though at first I was taking care of myself more out of spite towards my husband ("I'll show him I don't need anything from him!"), eventually, as weeks went by, I found I was feeling
genuinely better all round as a result of accepting full responsibility for myself.

Now instead of walking in the door tired and hungry after a long day at work, I would finish my day asking myself what I wanted and needed for my self; in other words, I learned how to initiate a plan of self care.

For instance, I might call Daniel and say, "I'm hungry, have you eaten? If not, I'll stop by on my way home and pick up Chinese." Or I might decide to go to a yoga class or do something  relaxing for myself instead of arriving home in a bad mood. The better I became at taking care of myself the more rested and upbeat I felt. I began to see my husband through new eyes.

Having let go of my story that it was his job to take care of me allowed me to see self care as my primary responsibility. I began to be able to notice and appreciate the ways my husband
did appreciate me - things he did that I had previously discounted as being meaningless or not note worthy now became things I expressed gratitude for.

The more I appreciated him the more he wanted to do for me. He spontaneously began to do some of the things I had once tried so hard to manipulate him into doing. He became more available and responsive towards me. We began to laugh more, as I demanded less. Once he told me, "It's like my wife went off to work and you came home in her place and I like you
a lot!"

It is now some years later. We continue to deepen our intimate connection and appreciation of one another by accepting full responsibility for our own unhappy stories (a big part of self care) and clearing them, rather than using the other person to prove them.

I hope this real life example has been helpful for you in your journey towards peace and harmony in all your relations.

Next week, I will address the question so often asked: "What if my victim story is actually true? What if my spouse really DOESN'T care about me?" Stay tuned.


Also, I am putting a Guided Imagery together and will be offering it for sale for those of you who are interested. I created it with these principles in mind. This Guided Imagery will be a nice way to relax and transform negative thoughts at the same time.


Blessings,
Lynne

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

What If They Really Don't Care About Me?

Greetings!

Another week has come and gone. I so appreciate the inspiring email I get each week that lets me know how your lives are changing for the better through this information. Sharing ways to transform the very diagnosable state of Victim-hood brings me deep satisfaction.

Last week I shared my personal experience about how I let go of my victim story of feeling unimportant to my husband. This week I want to address one of the more frequently asked questions about "letting go" of our victim stories in relationship:

"What if my victim story is actually true? What if my husband/wife really DOESN'T care about me?"


To answer, let me start with the reminder that there are neither mistakes nor coincidences in life. This means that there is no one in our life that is present by accident, especially the people closest to us. These are our most important teachers. Why? Because we attract and are attracted to the people who mirror to us the internal state of our own relationship with ourselves.

When we attract someone who mistreats us, who doesn't truly care about us, it will be a reflection of the way we mistreat ourselves. If I am judgmental and angry with myself, I will tend to attract a partner who is judgmental and angry with me. If my partner says abusive things to me, all I have to do is tune in to find that part of my mind that talks to me in the same way! My partner will simply be saying out loud the same sorts of harsh things I say to myself internally.

Such mirroring is one of the sacred, and practical, functions of relationship. If we want to know how we truly feel about ourselves, we simply need to observe the quality of relationship we are attracting into our lives. It will give us an accurate read every time.

So, Instead of railing out against your partner the next time you feel mistreated, try this instead: Take some space to write about your feelings. Write down specific ways you feel you've been mistreated. "He/she doesn't listen to me,"  "discounts me," "verbally abuses me," "tries to control me," etc.

Then ask yourself the following question, "How do I treat myself in these same ways?" If you are ready and willing to get honest with yourself, you will most likely see the similarities.

Rather than trying to change your partner, make the decision to change the way you treat yourself. Since your partner is a mirror of your relationship with you, it makes sense that by treating yourself better, your partner will treat you better too. Don't take my word for it though. Try it for yourself.

Next week I will talk about how we actually teach people how to treat us.

Until then, blessings!
Lynne


Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these
updates, you can sign up at:
http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to:
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If
you would like more information about her services, you may email
her at info@lynneforrest.com


Follow me on twitter:
http://twitter.com/lynneforrest

[Charlotte Z. Cavatica]

I Have Bad Luck Relationships

Greetings,

Another eventful week has gone by. I trust you are feeling positive about your progress in your journey towards higher consciousness. Awareness is the first step to change of any kind and that's the purpose of these weekly messages, to bring you increased awareness.

This week let's learn some more about the process we each participate in of attracting to us the people we do and then how we go about teaching them how to treat us.

After last weeks message, the following question came in from one of you, and I think it might be a good place to begin our discussion:


"Does this approach (of changing our selves, rather than confronting the other) really work for someone who is in an abusive relationship, as a victim of domestic violence, for instance?"


The easy answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

But to do this question justice, some groundwork needs to be laid. There's a universal law that explains how these teachings apply across the board, in all situations. It is the Law of Causality and it teaches this:

There is no one in our life who is there by accident. There are no happenstances, no coincidences, no mistakes in our lives. 

We tend to think we just end up with certain people, as if it's blind luck, or misfortune. That's what we think when we are in a victim state of mind. Nothing could be further from the truth, however.

In reality, we attract to us the people, and especially the life partner, that perfectly matches our belief system. In other words, the person we end up with will perfectly fit our story about what we can expect from life.

Here's how it works!

As human beings, we are naturally loving, towards ourselves, and by natural extension, towards others, as long as we are in alignment with our true nature and Source. As long as we remember our true nature, we will feel and attract, love on every level.

But when we get out of alignment with our true nature and Source by taking on negative beliefs about who we are and the world around us, we attract a very different sort of life experience, a painful one.

When we become firmly entrenched in painful, limiting beliefs, they become a lens through which we view life. In the same way that wearing a pair of sunglasses colors everything we see, our entrenched (or core) beliefs also color, or influence the way we see the world.

Regardless of what we may say we want in a mate, we will be attracted to the person who resonates best with our story about ourselves; we will attract someone who reflects our beliefs about relationship and life. The quality of our relationships are determined by the quality of our beliefs.

The point is that our core beliefs determine the quality of our relationships, not "bad choices." Seen in this light there are no "bad choices!" Painful choices, to be sure! But our choice of a partner is not due to poor choices; our choices are prompted, although unconsciously, by our beliefs.

We are attracted to the person who best mirrors to us, our beliefs about what we can expect from life. How else would we make our beliefs and limiting stories conscious?

Let me say it again, just so we really understand; if we are in an abusive relationship, no matter the degree, we have attracted it. We are drawn to that particular person, not because we are mentally ill, or undeserving, but simply because they are the best possible match for our own beliefs.

Through our relationships, by the way these partners interact with us, we are shown our own limiting beliefs in 'fleshed out,' physical manifestation; their treatment of us will be a mirror image of our own judgments and opinions (stories) about ourselves. Our loved ones show us the beliefs and stories we are holding that keep us from peace. Such is the true purpose of relationship.

There's so much more to say on the topic of relationship. I'm just getting started - but we'll have to wait and continue next week. I haven't even gotten around to sharing the bit about how we teach others to treat us yet! But if you tune in again next week I promise I will share more on that too!


Blessings,
Lynne

[CZBZ]

Being Kind Towards others is another way of Loving Myself

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings,

I hope you are finding joy throughout your days. Are you able to step back, watch your thoughts, and notice the reaction those thoughts prompt in you? Or are you still caught up in the struggle to fight or win? Do you see the value in observer consciousness over victim/victor consciousness?


It's quite natural for us to assume that the opposite of victim is victor. In reality, however, the role of victor is just another stop on the victim triangle on its way to victim. The "victor" may stand with a conquering foot planted firmly on their victim, loudly proclaiming victory; however they are still at war; they must be ever-vigilant against defeat.


Like their victim, they are  engaged in resistance against something outside of themselves. Peace is fleeting, if it is experienced at all.


It is not victor-consciousness that we strive for, not if we want true peace, health and sanity.


We want to be able to stand back from the fray, from the inner chaos in the mind, and witness our thoughts. Observer consciousness allows us to disengage from our inner chaos and external dramas so that we can step out of victim consciousness.


Observer consciousness is based on basic guiding principles:

http://lynneforrest.com/blog/2010/03/25/basic-guiding-principles-of-reality/


I want to tell you a story about my neighbors up the road, as an example of this victim/victor mentality:

My neighbors are brothers who live side by side. The first brother had been living there for years when the other brother bought a piece of land right beside him, built a house and moved in - not a stone's throw from his brother's house.

Everything seemed to be going fine, until the first brother's dog snapped at the other brother's young child. It was a scary moment for sure, and the brothers quarreled about how the dog should be handled. The father of the nearly bitten child insisted that the dog should be gotten rid of. The other brother felt that getting rid of the dog was uncalled for and refused. They have not spoken to each other since, it's been two years or more now.


I often think about these brothers when I drive by their farms, especially in the summer months, when they are both out working in their gardens right across the fence from one another. I think about the immense energy it takes to feel compelled to need to prevail over someone, to insist on being the one who wins.


How exhausting it must be to need to constantly remind oneself that that person you see hoeing their garden on the other side of your fence-line is your enemy. How wearying it must be to constantly have to renew your anger towards them because they "did you wrong" and therefore deserve to be vilified.


How sad to see your loved one as someone you must either defeat, or be defeated by. How lonesome to see your brother as someone you need to protect yourself from, to see him as someone you must turn others against. This is a typical victim/victor standoff.


Which of these brothers do you think is on the victim triangle? Who wins? Of course, that's a trick question - they are both on the victim triangle.

The point is that there is no winner in victim/victor dynamics because such dynamics take place on the victim triangle and that always leads back to victim. These two brothers are a good example of the victim/victor mentality that seems to dominate our world. Do you recognize these brothers in you?


The outcome would be totally different if only one of these brothers were to step back into observer consciousness and begin to investigate his own thinking, rather than go on blaming the other brother.


Let's imagine what that might look like:

Understanding that the world is a mirror, the more enlightened brother steps back from the situation and his own behavior to see what his brother is mirroring to him about himself. From that process of observation he realizes that he is thinking and acting in many of the same ways that he judges as unacceptable in his brother.


He notices, for instance, that they both demand things go their way. He also sees that he is as threatening and controlling as he accuses his brother of being. He further comes to see that his brother talking bad about him to a friend is no different from the way he rails against his brother to that same friend. He sees clearly that his brothers behavior and stubborn stance is an accurate mirror of his own unhappy state. He gives up trying to control his brothers behavior and decides to take responsibility for his own attitude and behavior, instead.


The next time he is working outside and sees his brother weeding in his garden, he spontaneously calls out a greeting, not because he is trying to be nice, but because his need to stay angry has disappeared. He has questioned his judgments against his brother and found himself to be just as guilty. Suddenly he finds himself, much to his own surprise, feeling compassion and forgiveness towards his brother. His natural ability to love has returned.


But let's say his brother ignores his greeting and stalks angrily away. Rather than shout insults after him, as he might have done in the past, our enlightened brother observes his own internal response to his brothers angry reaction, and questions the judgments towards his brother that come up in his thinking. He recognizes his brother's response as a mirror image of the way he has responded so many times before. He understands his brother's reaction, the feelings of resentment are gone.


The newly enlightened brother closely examines his painful assumptions about his brother because he realizes that to go on holding a grudge is stressful and therefore, an unkind way to treat himself. He recognizes that his judgments against his brother not only hurt their relationship, but hurt him as well.


Slowly he begins to see that it is not his brother's behavior or the situation itself, but his assumptions and judgments about those things, that cause his unhappiness. It's only a matter of time before his brother's behavior will also shift. It's universal law - when we shift internally, the world shifts in accordance to reflect it back to us.


More next week on observer consciousness.


Blessings,
Lynne


Interested in a more hands-on approach? For the latest information on Lynne's next Core Belief workshop visit: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/workshop_schedule.html


P.S. I have just completed a pair of guided meditations that are designed to  help you move out of the State of Victimhood and stay off the Victim Triangle. You can find out more here:

-------------------------------------------------
Free Yourself from Victimhood with Guided Meditation http://lynneforrest.com/FreeYourselfVictimhoodMeditation.html
-------------------------------------------------

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html


For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com

 

[CZBZ]

Accepting Reality Does Not Mean Giving Up

by Lynne Forrest

Greetings,

Another week has come and gone, bringing with it so many opportunities for growth and consciousness. Have you noticed what a huge difference it makes in how we feel when we practice seeing everyday challenges as opportunities, rather than seeing ourselves as victims at the mercy of those same life challenges? I sure have.

In our last message I promised I would speak more about helping our children to accept Reality without encouraging them to settle for unacceptable circumstances. How do we teach them to accept life on its own terms and yet encourage them to reach for the dreams that seem beyond reach? Does acceptance cancel out progress? These are the questions I am sometimes asked.

The answer is that, as unlikely as it may seem, the two, acceptance and progress, work very well together! We can accept Reality in a way that motivates us to move towards a better life. More accurately stated, when we are aligned with Reality, we are automatically moved towards a better life!

We don't have to overcome or fight life circumstances in order to overcome them. As the 12 step program of Narcotics Anonymous says, "We surrender (accept) to win (have the life of our dreams)."  However, if we are going to teach our children how to do that, then we, as adults, must first get clear in our own minds about the difference between "settling for the unacceptable," and accepting life on it's own terms. Otherwise we can only go on sending conflicting messages to our children on the subject. So that's my theme for today's message.

When we settle for undesirable life circumstances, we essentially give-up. A "settling for" mindset generates feelings of despondency, hopelessness, desperation, and/or futility about life and its possibilities. When we "give up," we are operating out of a belief, or expectation, that our life is not going to get any better. Giving up is not what accepting reality is about; giving up is simply us living out of a severely limited story about an unhappy life! In other words, settling for unhappy life circumstances is an expression of victim consciousness. Truly accepting life on its own terms produces vastly different results. To be at ease with the way things are is a mindset that generates a whole different, and much more pleasant, set of feelings! For if we are to truly live in a state of acceptance, we must understand that there is a purpose for the things we experience.

To be able to relax into acceptance means we must decide to trust that life is on our side. It means we have confidence that, even though a particular event may feel bad, it must be necessary for our personal growth. To move out of victim consciousness, we must accept Reality. Accepting Reality means we understand that everything we encounter in Reality is an important part of our life journey. When we accept Reality from a state of consciousness such as that which I've just described, we experience an inner peace that comes from our decision to trust and practice gratitude.

In that higher state of consciousness, we accept life as it is because we recognize that there are no coincidences, no mistakes. We refuse to see ourselves as victims of circumstance. And we
encourage our children to see the world and to think likewise. So it's how we perceive Reality that determines how willing we are to accept it. It's about our level of trust in Reality, it's our ability to see Reality as a benevolent collaborator in our consciousness process that determines whether we live a life of hopelessness or inspiration!

Now that we've explored the difference between accepting life as opposed to settling for life, let's continue next time about how this might look in actuality, by applying it, through example, to our relationship with our children.

Blessings,
Lynne



Interested in a more hands-on approach? For the latest information on Lynne's next Core Belief workshop visit: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/workshop_schedule.html


For a step by step presentation of Lynne's work defining victim consciousness and how to transform our victim thinking, read her book "Guiding Principles For Life Beyond Victim Consciousness." Go here to download the first three chapters as a gift: http://lynneforrest.com/book-interest-signup.html


Already know you want to buy "Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness"? Buy the book in print from Amazon now: http://amzn.to/beyondvictim
-----------------------------------------------

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested.


If you are not already on our mailing list to receive these updates, you can sign up at: http://lynneforrest.com/off-the-triangle-signup.html

For more information on the Victim Triangle, go to: http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html


Lynne is available for individual mentoring sessions as well. If you would like more information about her services, you may email her at info@lynneforrest.com

Follow Lynne on twitter: http://twitter.com/lynneforrest