"...New York psychologist Robert leahy [says] we're on our way to becoming a performance-based culture. Young people in particular feel an urgency to grab the spotlight, instead of working toward becoming a stable member of a group. That makes them especially concerned with how others are evaluating them---and more sensitive to rejection.
"But the primary reason we're becoming more rejection-sensitive, Leary contends, is that our fragmented, mobile society has decreased the number and weakened the strength of our social bonds. "Even 200 years ago, people were part of a small clan. They likely lived their entire lives in the same town. We now constantly have to reintegrate ourselves into new social networks. The sheer number o fstrangers with whom we interact creates many more opportunities for rejection..."
Seven Reality Checks If you anticipate rebuffs and overreact when they occur, you're operating under the influence of cognitive biases and false beliefs. Here's how to straighten out your thinking:
1-Expect RejectionBELIEF: Everyone should like me, and if someone doesn't, it's a catastrophe.
REALITY CHECK: Inevitably, some people will not like you. "I tell people to ask themselves, "What are all the things i can still do if so-and-so doesn't like me?" says Robert Leahy, psychologist and author of
The Worry Cure. "The answer is always that there is nothing they can't do."
2-Learn from playground PoliticsBELIEF: Popular people never get turned down
REALITY CHECK: What distinguishes the popular kids in the school yard from the less popular ones is not the number of rebuffs they get, but how they handle them.
3-It's Not Always About YouBELIEF: slights reflect poorly on me and everybody will remember them.
REALITY CHECK: Someone may snub you because you remind him or an old friend with whom he had a bitter falling out, or because he's about to be evicted and is in a state of panic. Even if your behavior
is the problem, other people won't likely notice or remember.
4-The Thing They Hate May Be The Thing You LoveBELIEF: There must be something inherently wrong with me.
REALITY CHECK: You may be disliked because someone disagrees with the very values you cherish.
5-Learn To Live With Shades Of GrayBELIEF: People should have only one feeling about me---either they accept me, or they don't.
REALITY CHECK: It's natural for others to feel ambivalent about you. You may do or say something that a friend doesn't like, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't also love and respect you.
6-Avoid The Overthinking TrapBELIEF: If I keep chewing on my worries, I can figure them out and I will feel better.
REALITY CHECK: When you are ruminating, your snowballing negative thoughts crush your ability to come up with good solutions to your problems. First distract yourself with a pleasant activity such as meditating or gardening, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, author of Eating, Drinking, Overthinking, and then take concrete action to improve your situation. If you're worried about getting fired, ask for some feedback and change accordingly.
7-Don't Rush to JudgmentBELIEF: If I think I've been dissed, I should immediately seek reassurance from and/or confront the offender.
REALITY CHECK: Most explanations of others' behaviors are quite benign. Give people the benefit of the doubt, or you may push them away with your desperation or hostility..."
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