Now that I don't have them anymore, I am able to finally come to terms with those nightmares I had for months after Late Husband's death. It is o.k. now for me to have something pass through my thoughts because I don't panic or think negative memories anymore. It's not perfect, but the whole nightmare issues is pretty well gone for now.
What I have decided is that what bothered me so much about the visions in my memory was the picture of him with a big smile on his face as if he is happy about his condition and his presence. I kept dreaming that he had returned, and that he was happy and would be control of everything again. I couldn't bear the thought.
I think what bothered me so much is that when he was alive, he seemed very pleased with himself when he brought me distress or caused me to become upset. It was as though he believed he was doing the right thing.
It was as though he had no guilt, and everyone would agree with him because they liked him and believed in his decisions and power over me.
I knew his treatment of me was wrong, but people wouldn't believe me and they still don't. I thought it was crazy, but when I had the dreams, that would bring back the idea that he was correct in his treatment of me. It seemed that only I knew how bad it was, and no one was listening to me or believing me.
Now that I am healing, and expressing myself at will with my voice and my activities, the freedom I have has brought me the truth again, and I feel safe from the pain of the lies he said to me and about me. He doesn't control me!
The whole world knows that he can't come back to hurt me in any way. His smile in my memory means nothing to me. He can't hurt me anymore. The lies can't hurt me anymore. Let him smile, as it doesn't mean that he is in control or that he has won anything. He lost the battle in more ways than one.
Wouldn't it be nice to know that when you die, someone is left behind who knew you and would think of you fondly and enjoy the memories of your good times with them? He doesn't even have that. He didn't help create good memories to treasure. He robbed my mind and my heart and left me not grieving his death or telling people how wonderful he was when he was alive. He really lost a lot when he rejected me. It was all so unnecessary as I was never the kind of person who had to be disciplined, watched, or controlled. I was always dependable and he knew that, but he simply couldn't be satisfied unless he was mentally punishing me in some form. The system never worked for him because it didn't give him the results he thought he deserved after spending so much money to build this house. That is when he really went nutz.
He liked living here but couldn't get me to yield to his constant demands. So he punished me, and smiled. If no one objected in the community, he thought he was doing the right thing. Since he told me the spring before he died that I needed him, imagine what he must have thought when I proved him wrong. But he continued to smile.
He was in control, you see, so everything was fine for him.
I can wipe that silly smile out of my memory because it means absolutely nothing.
Cornfield
Total Members: 
