Hi, new here and need to talk to others that know.

[wanttobefree]

Oh sweetie pie, you are soooo not stupid! I think we all struggle with that one. We feel like if they would just acknowledge us!!!! If only they would!! I remember feeling that while in the relationship and continually being heartbroken and needing the acknowledgment so bad, but feeling undeserving and needy and ashamed of myself for wanting to be acknowledged. It is so intense I think, because at the beginning they focus all of their manipulative intensity on you, make you feel like no one has ever made you feel, make you just want to bond like never before. It really is like a dealer hooking you up with the perfect drug, doesn't take long to become a junkie. When you are in their rays of intensity, you become supra real, when they remove the focus, you feel like you don't exist. At least that's how I felt. I really did become an extension of his reality. I was such a freaking mess a couple of months ago. No one quite got it, you know. I was acting like the crazy one, unable to get over the relationship. I understand what you are going through, and would encourage you to be your own best friend right now. Just acknowledge YOURSELF, acknowledge what you are feeling. There is no need to judge it or even make the feelings go away (unless there is danger). Just acknowledge yourself. I finally had no strength left to keep trying to 'get over it', so i just went ahead and 'indulged' the strong emotions. I thought they would never stop coming to the surface, but the intensity did eventually subside once I purged the yuck. I am in therapy though, you might think about that. It is a safe place you can just talk about all of the wierdness and get it out of you.
It sounds silly maybe, but hugging yourself really tight can help you feel a little more secure and telling yourself good, encouraging things. This worked well for me, as I became kind of fragmented, so parts of me were grieving and hurting, while other parts could provide comfort and encouragement. Does that make sense to you? If you haven't tried it, you might just try saying these things out loud to yourself. Without any judgement, from your heart because you love yourself. You know?
I hope I don't sound loony, but I just did what ever it took, and had to let go of being embarrassed, or self conscious in order to make it through.
Hoping this hard time eases up for you soon,
J

[takingtime]

thanks J i'm feeling so insane today but readiing this forum helps so much to hear from people who have been through the same experience and understand the craziness
i'm just tired you know tired of feeling so mixed up and lousy
have to pull myself out of it
probably going through those few weeks and just going over them in my mind trying to understand it all puts me backwards for a while

it was so intensive at the start he made me feel so protected and loved like he wanted to build a protective wall around me and help me with all my old hurts with my late husband and his suicide death and helped me deal with alot of those emotions and that's when we really bonded (well thought so!) you know that's what i feel so betrayed about how could someone be so callous and cruel to use someone that is in pain and grieving the death of her husband and then just toss them aside. he doesn't even remember this conversation we had where i thought he was really going to help me through the toughest time in my life! he'd met my husband as well so we bonded that way too. my ex N was a friend of my sister. which just complicated things even more!

just writing about it now makes me so twisted inside and sick
it's just the lowest of low

i just need to keep talking about it with the people on this site you're the only guys that understand

thanks again

x

[honeybearII]

Four of my neighbors showed up to help me pack and haul, they brought burritos and watermelon. I was so touched, and thankful. I felt like i was just disappearing you know, like I had never even been there, he so dominated everything that I was just a shadow in the background and no one would notice that I was gone.

The weekend that I returned to my home to move out my things, I asked my H not to be there.  I didn't want him around because I knew I might be emotional and he would see that.  So my daughter came to be with me, but god-bless-her she kind of "disappeared" most of the day.  I think she just couldn't handle the emotional impact.  So there I was, all alone, packing up the detritus of 32 years of marriage, taking only the stuff I brought into the marriage and a few other things I wanted. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and when I opened it, there stood two dear, dear friends that I had not seen or heard from in over 5 months.  They were crying, and we hugged, and I said HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?  Well, a neighbor (another friend) had seen the moving van, knew what was happening, and called them.  They said they didn't know what had happened to me, my H would never give them straight answers, and they had missed me so terribly and knew I needed someone to be with me. 

it was a turning point in my life.  They helped me understand that people LOVED me and that I was loved for myself alone - not because I was some accessory to my H's life.  I was so touched, so moved. 

ALL OF US have these friendships from people who love us for ourselves.  We are NOT extensions of the N even though they have made us feel that way.  As we heal, we begin to find new and old friends who always loved us but we were so blinded by the fake aura surrounding the N that we just couldn't see it or accept it.

Honey

[Cornfield]

You are right, Honey, but it sometimes takes a while before the old friends will come back into your life.   I think they feel a bit of shame or something for not providing support earlier when we needed it so much.

The other thing is that many of those old friends have problems of their own in their families and really don't have the strength to add your needs to their daily list.   I had this experience this past week, and it turned the corner to a warmer relationship for the future.  I listened to their story, and supported them.  It helped us both, I'm sure.

Another friend called this morning and we had a long session on understanding her situration with her mother, and i was able to lend solid support and advice for getting through the pain.  Her mother has been mean to her since childhood, so I was ready with the tough answers.   She appreciated my thoughts, and said her other friends have said the same supportive things.   Finally we were able to go on to community matters of mutual interest.

Understanding and healing takes a very long time.

Cornfield

[wanttobefree]

Takingtime: Yep, mine was a savior too, I was getting divorced from my 1st ex, and N just couldn't be helpful enough and compassionate enough, he encompassed my daughter and I into this bubble of security and protection. I know this is a lot different than your experience with the death of your husband, but I think they really do swoop in at a vulnerable moment, and since it is about them getting what they need, they really aren't thinking about it realistically, it's an ideal situation for them. Like a hunter with a duck call during migration season, just ideal you know? Just what they do. Mine has gone right into another's life, she is getting divorced too, it's weird because I've heard from mutual friends that he is saying all the same things about her that he said about me, finally the one person he's been waiting for his whole life, etc. It's always about the drama, this worked well for him in his passionate youth, but at his age it seems silly really. I am getting wise enough that this doesn't sting so bad. I really feel for her, as I think she has just decided to divorce to be with him, kind of like my situation was. In this way, we are made accomplices and feel even stronger the need to do what ever to make it work.

If there is NS to be had, they will use whatever situation. I saw my ex and his other family members lap up attention around the death of loved ones, it just made me sick to see how this genuine empathy from others was milked and consumed. I often thought about how he would have used my own death if he finally managed to drive me to suicide, or terminal illness. I bet he would have, without remorse lapped up the attention from others.

I know you feel you have to pull yourself out of it, or pull yourself together, or pull up your bootstraps. I found this way of thinking so similar to the way I was treated by N, that it just made me feel worse. He always made sure to let me know I had a victim mentality and how sick and sad that was. (He was the one who compared himself to Jesus) It was when I got to the point of realizing that YES I had been a victim and that is a terrible thing, that I was able to start really healing. This society wants to tough love our way through problems. Like giving acknowledgment to the pain and grief will somehow make you like it and want more. That's BS. Treat yourself exactly as you would treat one of your children in this situation. With pure love and tenderness. That, after all is just one of the wonderful benefits of NOT being an N! You can feel these things, and are free to express them to others and most importantly to yourself. And YOU DESERVE IT! You really are as precious as you thought he made you feel.

Honey:
I only had one shot at it, so I to just grabbed the things I brought into the relationship. There wasn't that much really, as I gave up almost everything I owned in the course of years. I was surprised actually that there wasn't much to bring, scraps ,remnants of who I used to be. I never purchased much for myself during the whole relationship, everything I earned went into our 'mutual' dream. I was kind of thankful, as it made moving seem so much easier when I was running on so little energy. It funny the irony. He is a hoarder. This piece of property, once beautiful was turned into a salvage yard. He was known as the guy who would take anyone's junk, so people would literally bring truck loads and drop it off. Old fridges, ovens, beds, scraps of just about anything in the name of potential art material. What it was was just plain ugly. He would cruise the roads and alleys looking for more stuff all the time. He also participated in petty shoplifting. I only learned this near the end, and wondered what his adoring public would think of him being booked for shoplifting. They would probably sympathize with him and get a chance to rail about 'the man' coming down on an innocent, lol.

Oh my daughter and I hated his junk. When we moved to the land, he said all of my furniture had to be sold as there was no where to store it. He move every last piece of junk from his former junk pile, truck load after truck load. That is why I had no belongings left. He would move his junk pile around and organize it all the time. I wonder what he will do living in a small apt. with no junk? It kind of makes me angry that he could just walk away from that even, as it was such a prominent feature of all our lives and something that was sooooo important to him that we sometimes had arguments over how much was too much. It was his pride and joy and I was not to have thoughts on it, much less problems with it. And now he can just give that up too? F***er.
Sorry for the tangent, ha!

Hi Cornfield! The last rant up there reminded me of your tractor story!