PLEEEEEEEASE HELP! HAVING WITHDRAWS - ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT!

[ranger]

HI EVERYONE!  I am so incredibly grateful for the help of an "angel" directing me to this website.. Thank you so much!  I am new here and have just realized I have spent the last year 1/2 with a man who has NPD.  I didn't know until now though.. At least I think that is what he has.  I would so appreciate your wisdom to help me through this.  My story is sooo long but I will try to make it short (lol).. I had just came out of a horrible divorce and here comes my "knight in shining armour" - so I thought.  It started out like a real fairy tale.  We met fell in love and had everything in common.  I was "the one he had been looking for".  I actually believed this.  I mean when it was amazing I mean amazing.  I kept saying to my friends - he says the most wonderful things to me and means it all!  We have so much in common and we just "click".  Well as you can imagine (after a horrible long marriage then divorce) I hadn't been told or shown these things in YEARS.  I mean YEARS.  I was in it to my neck.  So then reality hit - he started disappearing, then getting mad at me if I questioned "where he was all weekend" (we didn't live together mind you) but I was sure a "amazing" relationship was suppose to want to talk over a weekend. right? then he would reappear and it would be "wonderful" for a stretch then he would pick a fight and poof disappear AGAIN.  Then his phone would be magically "not working" and in his "car" charging (for hours)... When I would question this he would get "angry" and say I was insecure and starting a fight.  Then I would feel horrible and wonder how it went from great to bad again.  Well this went on for almost 2 YEARS!  Now for about a 4 month stretch it was great with NO DISAPPEARING acts then BAD AGAIN.  So to cut to TODAY.  It got to the point where I would sit at work and wait for that "text" from him to go resurfacing in my life - then I would breathe again ...knowing o.k. he still loves me and wants me.  Then boom here we go --good 4 days bad again..then I'd wait for him to resurface.  This part of it went on for MONTHS... So I start to realize o.k.  I am sitting home waiting not giving myself the opportunity to date because this man may resurface and HE SAYS and ACTS like he loves me (mind you when he resurfaced it was unbelievable and perfect).. then poof.  so I start to realize I AM COMING UNRAVELED and about this point he comes over and we have a GREAT 4 days and then POOF he tells me something (in his nice way) that I am starting to gain weight and "age" because of all the stress and rolls over and goes to sleep (now he still has his apt and I have mine) and the next day I am still angry... I go to work and he calls after he wakes up and says "hi beautiful" now I am still angry over the weight / age comment and I tell hiim this and he says AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU this week (around the house etc..) and the wonderful week we had you are gonna start a fight --- then tells me IT'S OVER FOREVER I AM DONE ( well I panic as he has NEVER said this to me) and I start to panic - I mean freak out... HE SAYS I AM DONE YOU ARE UNGRATEFUL B.... you know the rest... Anyway then he sends me a text "your key is on your counter" and I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIS SINCE ....Now I start calling him as I go home for lunch to see if the key is on the hook and he won't answer - well I go home to find he had STOLEN something from me.  Nothing major but still stole it.  So I call him to talk and NO ANSWER NO RESPONSE TO TEXTS NOTHING !!! I was literally freaking out - How could he be done when in the pAST he couldn't stand not hearing from me/knowing where I am for more than a week (I mean he would FREAK if he couldn't talk or get responses from me)... SO WHAT DID I DO?  I left him a goodbye forever message on his phone, changed my number and now I AM FREAKING.  I actually thought he would start having withdraws (like he did in the past 2 years) and come to my home - bang on my door SOMETHING.  well nothing and now I am a wreck .... I am having a horrible time - THEN I read all this on the internet searching for how someone could be this way?  PLEASE HELP 
THANK YOU!!!1

[Cornfield]

Well, you could try being grateful to yourself that you took steps to erase this monster from your life.  Now the trick is to erase him from your mind and memory.  That's the hard part and takes time.  It requires a lot of forgiveness to yourself.   We can only offer support as every person is an individual and everyone is a little different.

Since I am an old lady who only had one love in my life, I couldn't really say much more, except that you are one lucky person that he only stole from you.  I thought my husband wanted to kill or maim me for a number of years.
So now I thank God every day that I am a widow and have to work so hard taking care of my responsibilities.

I don't mean to belittle your problem, but I am glad you ended it.  Spend the next few years on yourself and see how it goes.  Around here, we call it homework.  Other people may have some ideas.   When I am miserable, I pull weeds in the garden.   It is rewarding to watching things grow, especially if you eat them.

Many people are helped by getting a pet.  It is good that you can write and vent your feelings.  That is just fine with us, as we have all been there in one manner  or another.

Cornfield

[SydneyFireworks]

Hi Ranger

Whoever your angel is, she directed you to exactly the right place!  Welcome to the WoN... you will find a lot of answers here, as well as complete validation for your experiences with this guy.

Only a professional can diagnose him, but from what you've told us, it seems clear to me that he's certainly somewhere on the Narcissistic continuum.

The idealisation phase (when everything is so wonderful and he thinks you're perfect) goes completely up in smoke once you start to question his motives and/or his actions.  Then his mask drops and he shows who he REALLY is... a man with no empathy, who cares only for his own needs, etc. etc. etc.

I don't have much time right now, but wanted to welcome you and encourage you to read the articles here, and post questions whenever you need to.

Hugs
Syd

[Phoenixxx]

your topic line says youre having withdrawls
I'd like to add my welcome, and also state it sounds from all youve said that youre in the right place

in terms of those withdrawls though

if there were some psychological "methadone" we could take to make those withdrawls easier I think I would have donated a kidney to buy it

I wish I had something more positive to say about them, but the best thing we can do is agree to feel them
in our attempt to stay "feeling" human beings
even though they and other feelings that come flooding in and washing out like a tide are HORRIBLE
its not an admission price, but a departure price we have to pay it seems

the only comfort I have to offer there is
we've all felt them

and we've all survived

in the pushme/pullme, attraction/withdrawl cycle of abuse we adapted to while in the relatioNship we became "trained" like dogs to become hypervigilant, and forever braced for the next trauma, and forever hungry for the relief of the empty words and empty actions of each honeymoon phase

and sadly, being out of that abuse cycle doesnt make that "training" just disappear

so I think we can all relate to you knowing youre better off out of that abusive relatioNship
while STILL simultaneously longing for his kindness, and assurance, and over-the-top affection/sex/attention/soothing

its a crazy-making state that DOES get better the longer you can find it in yourself to tolerate it
without breaking down and giving in to it



we probably all had in our bag of tricks, tools we used in order to hold onto our power and NOT call/email/visit our N/S's
I'll share one that I found quite useful

I made a list of all of the things he did to me (and to others) that were wrong/bad/destructive/painful/abusive
lying, cheating, having other people lie to me, being physically abusive, assaulting strangers, abusing his animal, scaring my son, using drugs, using steroids, fraud, manipulating me and his father and on and on and on
and I kept that list handy
and still whenever I have soft feelings and want to "let him off the hook" for what he did and who he is, I read the list and remind myself he really is as bad as I think he is, and someone I dont want ruining an otherwise great life


my wish and hope for you is that the return to your best life will be as short and as painless as it can possibly be

hang in there

life, and your heart do get better

[ranger]

Thank you so much - this hit home::

"in the pushme/pullme, attraction/withdrawl cycle of abuse we adapted to while in the relatioNship we became "trained" like dogs to become hypervigilant, and forever braced for the next trauma, and forever hungry for the relief of the empty words and empty actions of each honeymoon phase".. 

I feel so overwhelmed right now with the urge to call/e-mail/ go see him and am SHOCKED he is not looking for me... SHOCKED.  I know my story isn't as horrindous (is that a word??) as some of these posts I read .. and my heart goes out to all of you.. but I am looking here for your wisdom and strength to help me through this.  I did not post all the things he did to me as I am scared to put it on any website in case he does read this .. but there is more to my story... anyway... It took so much for me to change my number after not getting closure from him and to block his e-mails (even though i keep unblocking then blocking then unblocking).. I am replaying all the AMAZING moments like a dang recorder and I am keeping busy, trying to hold it together at work, raise 2 kids, pay my bills, and STAY SANE -- so that is why I feel so blessed to have somewhere/someone to talk to FINALLY.  I read these stories of decades of abuse from all of you and I shudder to think I feel so awful after 1 1/2 -2 year stint of this.  I also see how you all heard from your N and I am not hearing a peep from mine.  MORE validation I feel of unworthiness, etc..

Thank you for comments - I am so thankful!

[Phoenixxx]

some N's will keep luring and snagging their ex's for more attention and love and ego-stroking
even if tis all negative attention

others will turn their back and not give you a 2nd thought
as they collect other people who WILL supply them with that ego-stroking

in neither case is it indicative of your worth as a partner

because the only thing N'S's find of worth in others
is how good/smart/attractive/desirable/smart/powerful/dominant YOU can make THEM feel
its never about who you are as a human being

in that way I was about as interesting and exciting as a new Mercedes
but once the newer model came out
or it was clear I TOO needed fuel and maintenance
I lost my excitement quotient

it happens to all of us

we all go through the questioning and doubting our self-worth
but dont measure yourself by his decision to pursue or dump you

[eyes_up]

Hi Ranger and WELCOME  .

Reading is helpful. It creates a focus that allows the mind and body to feel it is doing something instead of acting on the feelings in an out of control fashion. I believe there is a reading list some where on WoN. Most of the books I read I checked out at the library.

Next thing I would suggest is working with the breath to reduce anxiety through out the day. That mens making a point of it to take deep breaths , pausing with both feet planted on the ground and recognizing that what supports  your life first is the oxygen that is available as it the support of th earth.

Those two things are the first things that keep you alive and they have nothing to do with the narcissist.

Keep writing and feel free to share stories as they arise.

((((hugs))))

eyes

[Wren]

ranger, hello and welcome.  Phoenixxx said everything I had to say.  There's a training involved.  It could be co-dependency.  I had the same push-pull with my mother in my earlier life.  After xN, I contacted her, and I swear the same things were happening again.  If she called, and I didn't call within the hour, the same day, the same week, wow, what a price to pay.  See, when xN did and didn't do that after breaking up, "He loves me, he loves me not."  Believe us on this though, your guy will show up at some place in town out of the blue and approach you.  He may catch you off guard and will appear to be the bogeyman to you.  He will act as if there's absolutely no reason to not treat him as at least a good friend.  Friends don't do what they do.

My relationship with xN only lasted about as long as yours, although, I was dumb enough to move in with him after six months.  Oh, did we love each other, been waiting years to meet each other... blech.

I hope you can keep your strength and not give your new phone number up, only to change it again.  The blocking/unblocking of emails and such, yes, I understand that.  It's not good, but less harmful than speaking to him.

Hang in there.  If you dip, you're only prolonging the healing process.  My xN is such a distant memory now.  The things that hurt me more now are the people who I had trusted to have my best interest in mind.  How people can turn on you on a dime.  My own sister being jealous of me my entire life and rewriting history.  These things hurt more now.

Think of this rollercoaster ride you're having with just having to show up to work.  Wouldn't just love to feel like yourself again?  That's one ride I don't envy.

Wren 

[ranger]

Hang in there.  If you dip, you're only prolonging the healing process.  My xN is such a distant memory now.  The things that hurt me more now are the people who I had trusted to have my best interest in mind.  How people can turn on you on a dime.  My own sister being jealous of me my entire life and rewriting history.  These things hurt more now.

Think of this rollercoaster ride you're having with just having to show up to work.  Wouldn't just love to feel like yourself again?  That's one ride I don't envy.



THANK YOU - I don't feel so alone this morning... As I am getting ready for work - with the horrible feeling of "he's gone and I won't hear from him again today" - I swear I must look at my phone still 50 times a day out of habit of seeing his text messages 20 times a day for the last 2 years.  The messages were always so sweet and made my day.  Iwas wondering --- did yours ever come look for you?  I keep thinking "he will feel bad (haha) because in the past he ALWAYS did and always came back... (by texting or calling though).. I keep thinking he will show up at my door... each day when I get home I am so surprised he hasn't>>>  ??

Also - I am trying so hard to move on (I have lots of guys ask me out and can't bring myself ....) I feel frozen in this crap... I am trying, reading, going to the gym but feel so like I said "like I am literally withdrawing"  I mean the things this guy said to me were unbelievable.  and he WOULD do some amazing things to show it but then BAM all the sudden it was ALL my fault.  In the end he was telling me "I had aged and was gaining weight etc.etc.. along with the stealing ... Thank you so much for listening and giving your stories/wisdom!

[ranger]

just adding on... don't you think it would be driving him CRAZY knowing he can't get a hold of me by now!!!!!!! (it has been almost 2 weeks)..??

[Phoenixxx]

Often, it drives N's crazy that they cant get ahold of an ex, when they havent got a new "present" supply for attention and admiration,

or when the new supply is out of town
or busy at work
or tending to her children
or has the flu
or is PMS'ing
or they had a fight
or she discovered he lied about something
or she makes some expectations or needs clear
or had something really amazing happen to her that outshines the N/S (like a promotion, award).

THATS usually when they try to get ahold of an ex.

[Cornfield]

I hope I wasn't too blunt with you at first, considering that you have had a terrible shock in life.  Sometimes a couple of new blunt realities will help shock you back to the real world you need to be living in, because you have responsibilities that can't be set aside while you grieve and adjust.

You have been tricked!  You have been abused.  You have been taken advantage of, and it isn't funny.  Your friends and relatives can't possibly relate to the pain you are suffering. 

Yes, it is difficult to remember that such a person as he doesn't think like you think, and doesn't feel the pain that you are feeling.  He is not normal, to treat you in this ping-pong fashion.  You must get it in your head that you will not allow such a toxic person to enter your life again.   That is what is so difficult.

You must eat and you must sleep, and you must relate to others, in order to do your jobs.  These are the basic events that must continue to happen, so this is where you concentrate your efforts.  Try to tell yourself that you will accomplish just a few small chores each day, and then improve on them in the future.  Small victories will carry you through each day.  Posting will vent your feelings, as we all appreciate what it is you are facing. 

We are survivors and thrivers.  You are with good people now.

Cornfield

[Cornfield]

About his not being able to get in touch with you:     yes, it is driving him crazy, but not because he loves you.
He is angry by now because he can't control you, and it is sort of like the refrigerator being on the blink.   All his evil ploys with you can't be carried out now.  It is permanently spoiled.

You want this to happen.  You want him to leave you alone so you can be a real, normal person who engages in reciprocal relationships.  You are in no condition to be seeing other men when you are in this shape.  You first concern is yourself and your health so you can take care of your family who depends on you.

Who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow as you heal from this horrible thing that has happened to you.
He was a con artist and he used you, then dumped you for another toy.   This is a crime without a legal justice.

You will fix your life, and you will heal, if you stay away from this monster.

Cornfield

[eyes_up]

"don't you think it would be driving him CRAZY knowing he can't get a hold of me by now!!!!!!!" ~ Ranger

Not because he is experiencing distance and craving to be with YOU since he loves and adores you. if he is going nuts it is because you changed the rules and he is the only one who sets the rules, not you. Corn said it..it is the control factor. It appears by the narc behavior that he has new supply. When tha supply doesn't work out he will find you.

In the state you are in , I figure you will probably dive into his arms and suck down the momentary relief of apologies, He will resume quality supply and interrogate you and then he will leave again to the other supply.

Know tah it may be about love for you but it is never about love for a narcissist.

eyes

[mamolie]

Hi ranger

Sorry you have had this experience, you are not alone and your feelings will be all over the place trying to come to grips with it all. People who are capable of loving do not treat others this way. Take the time to read all you can about NPD,they do not live in reality or abide by the golden rule.

You are going to have to wrap your mind around the fact that your goodness, your love, your forgiveness really meant nothing at all to him. You are an object, or as cornfield said  like an appliance, no attachment and you can and will be replaced. This man is a package deal, all he has to offer you are a few crumbs of kindness and a lot of mental torture/abuse.

There is nothing you can do to help, please or get this man to love you back. It is not just you, he is not capable of loving anyone. As phoenixxx suggests write that list of all the crap and misey he has unloaded on you, read when you feel the need to see or call him. That good guy was an act to keep you hooked into him, you will never get that guy, he is not real.

You have to fight with everything you have left in you to save yourself. there is hope for you, you can recover and move on. He can not be helped or saved. Keep reading, keep posting and venting. Your eyes are opening but it is a possibility that you could get sucked back in again. You will not be the first or the last to be manipulated back for more.  You might not think or feel it now but it will be the best thing that could happen to you if he has moved on and does not contact you.

 Recovery is hard work but you are worth all the effort and time you put into. I am rooting for you to save yourself, you do not deserve to be treated so badly by him or anyone else ever again.       
                                                                                                 Hugs mamolie

[Julia]

Ranger,

I understand the obsession. I did not have a "charming" N, but that is a very classic way that Ns operate. Believe it or not, I was even obsessed over my very consistently scornful Narcissistic husband, even after he dumped me and said he had never loved or respected me or our children.

 I couldn't believe  or understand his diagnosis (NPD) and tried very hard to get around it, looking for reasons that the problems were mostly mine (and thus fixable...). All this was wasted time, but I had to go through that stage, it is indeed a roller coaster. I would encourage you to write and post  your experiences. It is very validating to hear how others experienced similar things. 

 I have come to understand that obsession is a typical reaction to abuse. Even women who are very physically abused are likely to obsess over their boyfriend, believe the lies, want to "help" the abuser get better, and take the guy back in EVEN after the abuse was severe enough to call 911. So please recognize that what you are experiencing is completely normal...... and is a sign that you need to keep away until your mind clears up a bit.

Please take the time to go see a counselor and start to work on yourself. Even if you are feeling hope that he will come back ... and that things will be "better" it would do you the most good to work out your own feelings so that you can be a stronger person in whatever relationship you end up in. Only then could you decide how to manage your feelings and stand up for yourself in this relationship or to let it go completely.

Julia

[ranger]

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL MY REPLIES!!!!! I had an absolutely horrible day at work and cried on every break (including lunch).  I thought every damn phone call would be him "looking for me at work" and each day I pull into my driveway I think "he will be there waiting to talk" or searching for me - feeling lost like me.  HA !  The worse is all the damn memories that keep replaying like a stupid recording in my mind all day - NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW BUSY I TRY TO BE!  (and I AM busy)..  I work out, I go to work each day) I take of my children and feel this horrible feeling each minute.  I mean the memories were so amazing.. he really acted like he loved me.. I miss him soooo much you guys.  I still look at my phone wanting to see his daily text message "luring me back in after another fight" or telling me "good morning beautiful".  I love you ... geez... how could it all be PHONY!  I remembered today the time we went fishing and caught so many fish we laughed until we cried - watched the sunset and he taught my son how to fish that day!  We walked along the beach and my daughter found her first sandollar that day!  She still carries it everywhere.  WHY!  I REALLY BELIEVED in the dream - we would talk for HOURS AND HOURS and well anyway... it just doesn't matter anymore - I KNOW I have to be strong.. I wonder each day "is he trying to e-mail?  Then I think IF IT MATTERED SO MUCH WOULDN'T HE BE AT MY FRONT DOOR BY NOW????????????  Wasn't I important enough!  WhY!  O.K. 
thanks for letting me vent...

[Cornfield]

The most difficult thing to internalize is that he will come to enjoy making you miserable.  He probably doesn't realize yet that you have changed the rules of behavior on him.  Then he will become very frustrated that you took his power away from him.  Don't let him find out you are miserable.  Put on a happy, cool face to your friends who would report to him.  So then he will try harder to win you back so he can dump you again.   It's a game to him.
Playing this game will kill your spirit inside. 

Surprise, surprise!   You don't exist to him anymore.  During this time you will curl up in a warm blanket and begin to heal.  You can spill your guts to us.  We can take it, because we spilled our guts to each other.   LOL

Get going, girl!  You can do this for yourself and your children.

Cornfield

[Phoenixxx]

I'nm very sorry to hear you saying how much you miss him and ache to hear from him and how painful it is that he isnt doing that
I know what kind of agony that is
i think we all do

he probably did love, as much as he could love someone

but as you know from experiencing the on again/off again process, its not love like YOU feel, or like YOU expect and need
its temporary
its fleeting
its shallow

and its part of an abuse cycle that means tension, injury, romance -- tension, injury, romance all over again

REAL love, the kind you feel does not cycle through injury and abuse
and if you can love yourself as much as you love your child
maybe you can find a way to protect yourself from further injury and abuse
by making sure a N/S doesnt get to "love" you anymore, since a N/S's love doesnt come without deeper and deeper injury


N's and P's want love like everybody else
and theyre amazingly good at procuring it, and inflaming it and TAKING IT

theyre so lousy at nurturing and GIVING it
because they profoundly lack empathy

your feelings, needs, pain, and best interests mean next to nothing to a N/S

a N/S only has his own best interests at heart

[Cornfield]

Calling you and saying sweet things does not mean that he loves you.   He loves the game of ping pong.  Wham! he hits one into  your court.  Bang!  you hit back the best you can to keep it within the lines.  Whack!  he hits back and bounces off the table and you don't have a chance.  He wins! 

You can only take so much of this ping pong game until you break completely and then are of no use to your children.  This is the same as mental rape, toying with your heart strings and causing you much pain.  He doesn't think like you do.  He never did.  He is a con artist.   He knows no other way of living because he wants drama.

He could let you die in the middle of the road if it was dramatic enough to please his addiction to excitement.  My husband let me lay in my bed all night hemmorhaging after the birth of my daughter, and went into the other room to sleep, giving me no concern at all.  I stayed awake all night because I thought I would be dead in the morning if I went to sleep.  I managed to feed the new baby, put her on the bed with pillows, woke my 7-year-old and 5-year-old to watch her, and ordered my husband to drive me to the hospital.  He was concerned that I would get the car bloody.  We made it just in time for surgery to save my life.  I spent three days in the hospital and he could have cared less. 
When people asked what he had, boy or girl, he said "a dishwasher."  That is because the doctor recommended we purchase a dishwasher because we had a person living with us who previously had TB.   He didn't want that baby.

You can't miss a person for very long who enjoys hurting you.  It will go away in a few days or you need to go to the doctor for assistance, the same as you would for a bad cold that doesn't heal.  Your heart is hurting.

Cornfield

[Phoenixxx]

You can't miss a person for very long who enjoys hurting you.  It will go away in a few days or you need to go to the doctor for assistance, the same as you would for a bad cold that doesn't heal.

What do you mean Cornfield?

[talia]

Dear Ranger,

There's a reason it literally feels like withdrawal. I think Susan Anderson explained it best for me in her book," The Journey from Abandonment to Healing". There's a physiological response to being abandoned and heartbreak.

From what you've written it sounds like you've experienced "intermittent reinforcement". The disappearing acts,etc...This creates a trauma bond. This is something else to look up and read about that might help you understand what you're feeling.

What I really want to say is, that I think your reaction, however horrible it feels, is normal. A normal reaction to abnormal behavior.

Seriously, I felt like a junkie when it came to the Npd'r. He became my "fix". He disappeared and came back over and over and over. I never understood. He broke my heart over and over. I didn't know people like this existed.

Normal, healthy men do not behave the way you've described your boyfriend behaving. You asked how and why he could do this? He's not healthy or normal. Keep repeating this to yourself. Remember all the times he went poof and disappeared. Remember how this made you feel. The confusion, the hurt etc..Normal healthy people capable of attaching just don't walk away or when/if they end a relationship, they don't do it this way.....

You deserve better than that. Keep telling yourself this as well:)

Sincerely,
talia

[Julia]

Oh Corn,

That story is so sad and so absolutely believable. I experienced the same lack of care but on a degree less life-threatening. It was helpful to me to read this today and remember that absolute lack of caring. Chilling, and I'm sure the PTSD from such recurrent events is on-going.

Julia

[ranger]

Dearest Cornfield - I am so terribly sorry about what you went through.  How horrible.  I hope your heart is healing and you are finding happiness.  Thank you for finding it in your heart to help mine.

You guys are wonderful - I truly feel like I am "losing it" - I really do... Thank you!

[ranger]

p.s... I'm starting to feel like if I don't STAY OUT now (if he doesn't look for me and I CAN stay no contact) then I will be one lucky woman to have gotten away now.  What is scaring me is HOW BELIEVABLE HE WAS.. he would look me in the eye and tell me (and show me) how he had looked "all his life" for me.  Now that he finally found me he can't seem to "get me to chill out" because every time he would "disappear" (bc he would initiate a fight out of the blue) and leaving me sitting here wondering how I made him so upset with me?? Thinking "if only I would have etc...)  One time he literally shoved me against the wall told me to "leave him alone" (bc I questioned him not wanting to be intimate with me) and left (until MONDAY = BAM).. I have as a result of all this lost tons and tons of hair, tons of weight, and almost my job... but man when it was good - I mean scary.. I wonder now if I would have stuck it out where this road would have led?? He swore to me "if I couldn't get it together and realize a good thing when it was in front of me" that he will find someone who would.. (and that any of his ex's would gladly take him back in a heartbeat).. He was also extremely good looking and everywhere he/we went women were like salivating... ) he wants a family and says he will cherish his wife forever. and if I can't "get it together quick" then he will be gone forever.  he actually used the analogy of he will "keep searching" after me (after a LONG LONG time that it will take him to get over me) until another woman stops the drain up.  He would say I have never wanted someone so badly.  etc..etc... Oh and (to vent some more here)... one night he called me late (my kids were well asleep) and as I wold OBSESS (can you believe it) over the phone - I answered.. It was around midnight and he was TRASHED ... he was crying hysterically you guys.. I mean hysterically.. I said "what is wrong" pleeeeease tell me " He said I just love you so damn much ... you will never understand.. never.. as he is crying.. well I was getting scared as I had NEVER heard him like this EVER.  He sounded dangerously sad...(you know what I mean).. anyway I said pllleeeeeeease tell me the truth , what is REALLY going on?  He said "you can't handle the truth" and a loooong silience and then as if he was going to tell me (like he was cheating/drugs or whatever) then he said "I just love you so much" and then passed out.. well he shows up at my house hours later (yes this had NEVER happened in the middle of the night NEVER EVER - we live an hour from each other) and just hugged me and wouldn't let go..