PLEEEEEEEASE HELP! HAVING WITHDRAWS - ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT!

[takingtime]

i know exactly what you mean about feeling that something is missing like wanting to find out all the reasons why this happened to you, why you met this person, why you felt so connected, why it all had to end etc etc
i felt exactly the same
it helped me to go over the whole relationship in my mind, right from the start, how he was at first and how he gradually changed
i went over every conversation i could remember and every behaviour i witnessed in him and felt how strange his behaviour was and how he was twisting my mind and my heart
you are the one who ended it all because you know ít's not a healthy relationship
that's why i knew i  had to get out as well
and that's why i have no inclination to contact him - i mean what for? why it's all pointless

and yes correct he didn't contact again
i'm not bothered either if he does or doesn't - it doesn't matter to me any more

i know he would've sent that text as kind of a dare on his part
one of his stupid mind games!
and when i didn't reply he would've just thought oh well no luck there damn now i have to actually make an effort and look for a new person!

you see they don't ever get to know anyone
they may mimic you in ways that you think they know you
but it's just an act and it's one they get tired of

i'm sure there were alot of times where you thought that's odd or that's a strange reaction
just keep going over those times in your head and eventually you'll see
it will become clearer to you the reasons why you had to end it

and one day like me you will suddenly realise you're free
and you're happy to just be you

 
this is me now
i wish the same for you

[Cornfield]

Ranger and Takingtime, it is wonderful to know that you two are making the effort to support and understand each other.   That is one of the good benefits of this board.  I know how confusing the puzzles are to put the pieces in the right places, but it is a necessary effort for most of us.

One trick that helped me, and it is kind of devious on my part, it to remember that if someone is being an adversary to you, but pretending to be your friend, the  thing that stops them from winning over you is to not give them the information they are seeking to extract out of you.  They need information about you, and if you withhold it, they go nutz because they can't continue their mind games and their perceived control over you.

I did this with a former friend, and with a control freak at church, after I realized that I was feeding their bad behavior and control toward me.  So I smiled and said nothing, and eventually they gave up and left me alone. 
In one of my education classes in grad school, they taught teachers to ignore bad student behavior at the beginning, and notice that it escalates as a sign that the student wants more attention.   If you can stand the temporary increase in aggressive behavior, the student may give up when he sees that his behavior does not get him what he wants.  That is the first step that teachers are taught.  Then, if that doesn't work, the teacher is to discipline the student more seriously to stop the bad behavior. 

It helps in your personal life if you can convince yourself that the person you loved so much is acting like a child and will continue to act like a child until he destroys himself, because he can't learn any better methods of living.
Noticing the consistent, childish behavior of my husband taught me that he was never going to change, even when I pointed out to him that he was acting childish.  He really didn't care that I noticed.  It was who he was, and he was proud of his awful behavior because it worked for him as a child, and he thought it should continue to work for him the rest of his life.    He hated that I changed the rules of living together just a little bit. 

As he lay paralyzed dying of cancer, I wonder if he ever realized that all his tantrums produced no benefit for him or anyone else.  After the drugs took over, I don't think he really cared about himself.  That's classic self-destruction.

We can learn to help ourselves live a better life by not self-destructing ourselves. 

[ranger]

One trick that helped me, and it is kind of devious on my part, it to remember that if someone is being an adversary to you, but pretending to be your friend, the  thing that stops them from winning over you is to not give them the information they are seeking to extract out of you.  They need information about you, and if you withhold it, they go nutz because they can't continue their mind games and their perceived control over you ~cornfield

Corn - if this is true then why whey you "don't resond" i.e. to his e-mails - then why don't they "go nutz".. why do they just give up.? This doesn't make sense to me.  Like why just say - "then I will leave her alone" etc...?

[Cornfield]

I am a little confused now, as well.  When I said they go nutz, I am referring to their behavior if they are continuing the relationship in some form, as in being in the same place like church, or being at the same birthday party.   Going nutz doesn't mean that they contact you necessarily.  Giving up a relationship doesn't set with your idea of giving up a relationship.   I think you are looking at things through your perception, not theirs.

An N gives up a relationship that he has never committed to in the first place.   They don't feel, suffer, or care, even if they say their are bothered by something.   The entire relationship is always based on controlling the target, and if they don't get anywhere with their methods, they secretly get bothered, or they ignore you. 

You are suffering because you have normal feelings and the separation makes you miserable.   An N doesn't do this!
He uses people for his needs and wants, or he finds someone else to use.  If an N is not seeing you,  some would still like to have you available just in case the other target doesn't work out, or he gets bored.   You are a refrigerator to a narcissist.   That is the way it always has been, despite the sweet, loving behavior you experienced at times.  Or you experienced love, and he faked it for the moment.   It is all theatre, and it must be exciting theatre for the narcissist to stay in the "relationship" which is not a normal relationship but a selfish "adventure."

Narcissists say two opposites at the same time, and it is really confusing.  I went on a business trip with my husband to Monaco and when we got there, he said he loved me so much we should separate.  Then he took a nap.   I was hungry and he wouldn't go get food, so I walked alone and bought fruit and bread for the room.  When he finally got up and went for dinner, he talked sanely after he ate.   Much of their behavior is not at all logical.

Narcissists go nuts if they can't control.   They don't go nuts about missing you because they don't feel real love for you.  They are sick people and choose to not get well.  As an older person with different views than the younger generation about sex, I understand that most sex is not about love, but about selfish bodily needs.  That's fine, I guess if both people are getting their needs met.   But a narcissist doesn't give, he takes.   And when he can't suck anything more from his target, he does mean things and moves on, leaving the poor person devastated.

You were used, Ranger, and you were mentally destroyed by a souless predator.  Get mad, and take action for you.
If there is another woman in the picture, he doesn't miss you, but he may miss having power over you, that's all.

It is all about power.   That is not love. 

I hope this helps.   Cornfield

[ranger]

Thank you Corn!  You are the best!!

[Cornfield]

Gee whiz, I'm not the best at all.   I am just one of the most experienced, by number of years trying to make a poor little orphaned kid love me.    I couldn't make it happen, and I finally learned why.  I kept him out of jail and I kept him out of bars and off the streets.   And he died in a dignified manner.   That was the best I could do.

And I'm not looking for another project like that.   LOL

Cornfield

[takingtime]

i think in their minds when they 'give up' it's their way of getting back in control and then they see it as them rejecting you
and not the other way around

they can't handle even the tiniest hint of rejection
so they turn it around in their loopy minds

i don't believe they ever 'give up' though because as others on here have said their N will contact them even years later and try it on

and if you take them back you go straight back to the madness and pain of them rejecting you

that's their game and they want to think they've won

even though we know when we don't respond to them that we're the real winners

xx

[ranger]

taking time - last night I reread everyone posts from day 1.  It is amazing what has been said on this thread.  I actually took my time and tried to digest all of this and look at it through different eyes.  We all have been through so much and each of us have different stories etc.. BUT the outcome is almost the same for all of us.  It is amazing if you read it - we should put this thread together as a book (LOL).. I took alot of time yesterday (obviously) to think on what you said (how he did things and why etc..).  I am having such a hard time "letting go" it is almost like Phoenixx said at one point "she had to go back and have her teeth kicked in until she saw" (sorry Phoenixx I am going off memory if I misquoted).. It's almost like I haven't had my teeth kicked in hard enough.  I KNOW I need to let this guy go so I can move forward but I KEEP holding on - keep thinking.. he will come back-show up at my door, write me a letter, feel horrible for what he's done, e-mail me, show up at my door - SOMETHING to believe ALL OF WHAT HE HAS SAID AND THE MAGIC I FELT was real!  It is like I don't want to believe it is really OVER.  Hence the push and pull syndrome, trauma bonding etc... I wish I could just say "click" it's over I don't care if he calls, e-mails etc and MOVE ON.  I want to so badly - this is effecting everything - hair loss, moods, etc.. I have lost friends over this - everyone is so sick of me not "being me".. I know there is no magic potion for this but what am I missing here!  Why can't I get it!

[Cornfield]

We don't get it because we don't want to get it.   We don't want to believe that they don't care about us, that they are mean, that they are sick and twisted, and that the damage from their early lives can't be fixed.

We are in denial of the truth.   If the same event or behavior happens over and over with the same outcome, we should be objective enough to expect that it will continue to happen that way again.   But, no, we believe in miracles and reason, and we think that they think like we do.  They do not and they will never think like us, and they haven't thought like us since they were babies, and have hidden this part of themselves all their lives.

You must believe that you are an important person who must take care of yourself first and foremost, and every thing in life comes after that. 

A narcissist is an invisible predator that you can't see by looking out the window.  He has left but you still have him in your heart.   He fooled you.

Cornfield

[ranger]

Phoenixx - Ranger here.  I posted something in the "be gentle with yourself/Sandra Brown" thread for you.  I ventured out of my withdrawl thread today.  LOL