Be Gentle with Yourself by Sandra L. Brown

[CZBZ]

From Saferelationshipsmagazine.com:

"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it."

by Sandra L. Brown, MA

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related anxiety disorder. PTSD is often seen as an aftermath symptom of Pathological Love Relationships. Exposure to other people's pathology can and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD. Our systems are simply not wired for long term exposure to someone else's abnormal psychology. Often the result is a series of aftermath symptoms that include PTSD which is described as 'a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.' Being with a narcissist, socio or psychopath is definitely an 'abnormal life event.'

PTSD's profound and long term effects create what I refer to as a 'cracked vessel.' The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person. While treatment can 'glue the crack back together' and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again. This means, that the crack is a stress fracture in the vessel---it's the part of the vessel that is damaged and weakened in that area.

There are numerous types of therapies that can help PTSD. If you have it, or someone you care about has it, you/they should seek treatment because it does not go away by itself and many people don't realize that if left untreated, it can worsen. People often have missed the opportunity of treating PTSD when it was still relatively 'treatable' and responsive to therapy. The sooner PTSD is treated, the better the outcome. But any treatment can still help PTSD.

However, what is often not recognized is the 'continual' life that must be lived when living with the after effects of PTSD. Because the cracked vessel can re-crack again, a gentle and balanced life will relieve a lot of the PTSD symptoms that can linger. I have often seen people who have put a lot of effort into their recovery NOT put a lot of effort into the quality of a gentle life following treatment. This is a mistake because going back into a busy and crazy life can re-fragment the PTSD. As much as people want to 'get back out there' and think they can return to the life they use to live, often that's not true. 'Wanting' to be able to live or do what you did before does not mean that you will be able to.

Consequently, many people's anxiety symptoms returned. Much like a 12 Step program, 'one day at a time' is necessary and understanding your proclivity for re-activated PTSD must stay foremost in your mind.

Living the gentle life means reducing your exposure to triggers that can re-activate your PTSD. Only you know what these are...if you don't know, then that's the first order of therapy--to find your triggers. You can't avoid (or even treat) what you don't know exists.

Triggers are exposure to emotional, physical, sexual, visual, auditory, or kinesthetic reminders that set off anxiety symptoms. This could be people, places, objects, sounds, tastes, or smells that reconnect you to your trauma. Once you are reconnected to your trauma, your physical body reacts by pumping out the adrenaline and you become hyper-aroused known as hyper vigilant. This increases paranoia, insomnia, startle reflex and lots of other over-stimulated and anxiety oriented behaviors.

Other triggers that are not trauma-specific but you should be on the alert for are violent movies, TV, or music, high noise levels, life style/jobs/people who are too fast-paced, 'busy' environments, risky or scary jobs, bosses or co-workers who have personality disorders and are abrasive, or any other situation that kick-starts your anxiety.

Women are often surprised that other people's pathology now sets them off. Once they have been exposed to pathology and gotten PTSD from this exposure, other pathology can trigger PTSD symptoms. Living 'pathology free' is nearly mandatory--to the degree that you can 'un-expose' yourself to other known pathologies.

The opposite of chronic exposure to craziness and pathology would be the gentle life. Think 'Zen Retreat Center' -- a subdued environment where your senses can rest...where a body that has been too pumped up with adrenaline can let down...a mind that races can relax, the video flash-backs can go on pause, fast-paced chest panting can turn into long/slow/deep diaphragmatic breathing, where darting eyes can close, where soft scents soothe, and gentle music lulls, where high heels come off and flip flops go on...where long quiet walks give way to tension release...where quieting of the mind chases off the demons of hyperactive thinking....where when you whisper you can hear yourself.

Only, this isn't a retreat center for once a year...this is your life where your recovery and your need for all things-gentle, are center in your life. It doesn't mean you need to quit your job or move to a mountain, but it does mean that you attend to your over-stimulated physical body. Those things in your life you can control such as the tranquility of your own environment need to be. Lifestyle adjustments ARE required for those who want to avoid reactivated anxiety. This includes psychological/emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual self care techniques.

The one thing you can count on about PTSD is when you AREN'T taking care of your self your body will SCREAM IT! Your life can not be the crazy-filled life you may watch others live. Your need for exercise, quiet, healthy food, spirituality, tension release, and joy are as necessary as oxygen for someone with PTSD. Walking the gentle path is your best guard against more anxiety and your best advocate for peace.

Because of this overwhelming need, The Institute is opening its own Women's Pathological Love Relationship & PTSD Recovery Hospital Program at Windmoor Treatment Center in Clearwater, Florida. (Most insurance accepted.) This is the country's first and only program of its kind!

If you are in need of * Pathological Love Relationship Education * Healing the Aftermath Symptoms of Intrusive Thoughts, Obsessional Thinking, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Depression * Learning to Manage PTSD--The Institute's Inpatient Hospital Program is just the place to get your life back! (Opening August 2009). If you would like to be assessed for our inpatient program (normally ranges from 5-12 days--depending on your insurance), contact us at saferelationships@yahoo.com. We'll be happy to help you find out if treatment is right for you.

[Phoenixxx]

We get the same newsletter I see!

I had corresponded with Sandra brown about my "emptiness" and she invited me to that treatment centre.  I'm considering it.

[CZBZ]

I posted it only because of your reference on another thread: How to Break Free of Narcissists.  I haven't read it yet but will do so this evening! This article isn't on her website I don't think---it's only in her newsletter. I hope she doesn't mind me copying the entire article.......

p.s. It appears Sandra Brown has closed her message board. Too bad, really...managing a board is a time-consuming task and I doubt most people realize it until they've tried. God Bless those Good-Hearted Everyday People who keep forums going. 


Hugs,
CZ

[Phoenixxx]

Yes her forum was hacked more than once, which allowed the hackers into her main site too.  In fact I want to order the revised edition of her book Women Who Love Psychopaths but as of last night couldnt because the website is still wonky.

CZ thanks for managing this forum.  Just for the archives alone its an amazing resource centre.  Plus your posts, well....theyre just swell for a swollen injured spirit yanno?

[Cornfield]

Marvelous article about a tremendous program!   It certainly would be a boon to those whose insurance allows this benefit.
 
It would have made life much easier for do-it-yourself-ers like me at home on the farm.  The freedom to live and breathe without controlling pressure has done wonders for me and I think I had relatively little problem moving into the world of peace without rejoining the stressful rat race.

I knew it was important to cut down my responsibility load, and I am still working on that aspect.  This week I sewed a blouse for granddaughter that she had already outgrown from April when I cut it out.  But that's o.k. because I needed to regain my sewing skills for the larger size which is cut out.  This is my idea of fun, sewing something that fits and looks good on the child.  I'll keep going until I am ahead of the growth a little. 

To have time for my projects is a wonderful thought.  I am making that time happen.
Today I went to lunch with old friends and that was very fulfilling.  To observe my little 4-H members as grown-up professional people in elegant offices is quite a thrill.  I know that I made a difference in their adult lives when I taught them as kids.

Yes, I must be careful about triggering events, and am identifying which people can trigger those events in my life.  I manage to stay with supportive people who believe me and believe in me. 

I don't have to compete in life anymore.  Work is done for the enjoyment.  I recognize how fortunate I am every day.

Cornfield

[Lapin]

This was a very pertinent article for me.  I would love to learn more about this treatment center.  How can I receive Sandra Brown's newsletters?

[Phoenixxx]

I think I just went to her website and signed up...there  must be a widget or link on there somewhere.

[Phoenixxx]

I just received the newest newsletter with PART 2, I hope you dont mind me adding it here.

Living the Gentle Life Part 2

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
The Physical Effects

In the previous newsletter I had begun talking about the normal after-math of pathological love relationships---Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Previous newsletter is on the magazine under Sandra's Current Articles.)

PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is often re-activated by daily 'triggers.' These can include people, places, things, or sensory feelings that reconnect you with the trauma of the relationship. In the last newsletter I talked about the gentle life and how an over-taxed and anxious body/mind needs a soothing life. I cannot stress this enough that people MUST remember that their PTSD symptoms CAN BE re-activated if you aren't taking care of yourself and living a gentle life.

What IS a gentle life? A gentle life is a life lived remembering the sensitivities of your PTSD. It isn't ignored, or wished away--it is considered and compensated for. Since PTSD affects one physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually--all of those elements need to be considered in a gentle life.  Just as if you had diabetes you would consider what you eat or what medication you need to take, so is it with PTSD.

Interestingly, although PTSD has its description listed in the psychiatric manuals, PTSD has some very real physical effects as well. In fact, they have even discussed listing it in physician's manuals as well because the untreated on-going effects of acute stress are well known in the medical community. Since PTSD has both components of emotional and physical symptoms, someone recovering from PTSD must take those aspects into account.

Physically, PTSD is often a chronic condition by the time you take yourself for emotional help. That means you have been living with it for a while and it has been wreaking havoc on your physical body during that time. Unbridled anxiety/stress/fear pumps enormous amounts of adrenaline and cortisol into your body. This over stimulates your body and mind and causes insomnia, paranoia, hyperactivity, a racing mind/intrusive thoughts and the inability to 'let down' and 'rest.'

A body that has been living on adrenaline needs the adrenal glands to 'chill!' People often complain of chronic insomnia which also leads to depression. Depression can lead to lethargy, over eating, weight gain and hopelessness. It is possible to have both anxiety and depression occurring at the same time. Un-managed stress, anxiety, and adrenaline can lead to longer term medical problems often associated with stress--lower GI problems, migraines, teeth grinding, aggravated periods, chest pain, panic attacks, chronic fatigue and most auto-immune disorders like fibromyalgia, lupus, chronic fatigue, arthritis, and MS.

So, CLEARLY PTSD is something that SHOULD be treated. Physically that means to go to someone who can diagnose you--a therapist or psychiatrist. In the early parts of treatment, it is normal to take anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants or sleep aides in order to rectify your depleted brain chemistry and to allow the adrenal glands to 'rest' and stop pumping out the adrenaline. Your doctor is in the best position to tell you what will help you relieve your physical symptoms.

Additionally, you need to help your body and brain produce the 'good stuff' in your brain chemistry which means exercising, eating well, and learning relaxation techniques.  Too much adrenaline has been pumping through your body with no way to get utilized. Excessive adrenaline makes your feel jumpy and restless. Exercise (even moderate walking) helps to produce endorphins in your brain that produce those feelings of 'well-being' and helps to burn off the adrenaline and any extra weight you might have gathered.

Although during depression you often don't FEEL like exercising, you will always feel bad if you don't get your body moving. Stress is even stored at the cellular level of our bodies. You must, must, must get moving in order to feel better.

Eating well means not trying to medicate your depression and low energy with carbs. When you are depressed your body craves carbs as a source of quick energy but the spikes in blood sugar add to the sense of mood highs and lows. You've already had enough 'junk' in the relationship--think of it as nurturing to give your body good food to replace all the 'junk' that it has been through. You can greatly help mood swings by eating well.

Dealing with the negative habits you have picked up as a 'coping mechanism' is also necessary. Lots of people with PTSD try to medicate their anxiety and depression. This could be through smoking, relationship hopping, sex, eating/binging/purging, drugs (legal and illegal) and the increased use of alcohol. In fact, one of the devastating side effects of PTSD is how many alcoholics it produces. Anything you are prone to right now tends to increase when you have PTSD because you begin to do that habit more and more to manage your PTSD symptoms. Finding positive coping skills instead of negative habits is a great step in your recovery.

Physical recovery also means paying attention to not reactivating your symptoms. Your physical environment in which you live, play and work must be conducive to low stimulation. That means low lights, low noise, and low aggravation. Sometimes that means making big changes in how your house is run so that it is not loud, noisy and over active.  Sometimes that means making big changes in the PEOPLE you hang out with --- getting rid of the loud, noisy, over active, aggressive and pathological. And sometimes it means making big changes in a job where the environment does nothing but trigger you.   

Lastly, learning relaxation techniques is not 'optional' for people with PTSD. PTSD is a chronic state of hyper-vigilance, agitation, and restlessness. Your body has been over-ridden with adrenaline for a long time and has 'forgotten' how to find it's equilibrium in relaxation. It must be retaught. Re-teaching means doing it daily. Taking 5 - 10 minutes a day to use relaxation breathing and allowing your mind to unwind and giving positive messages to your body to relax will help your tap into this natural relaxation even during times you are not actively trying to relax. The more you use the technique, the quicker your body can relax--even at work or when you are doing something else because it has 'remembered' how to.

There are lots of tapes, CDs or videos you can buy on relaxation that walk you thru how to do it (we also have one created for PTSD on the magazine under Shopping/CDs, Audios.

Or take Yoga where they teach you these deep breathing techniques that help correct the 'shallow/panting' breathing that is associated with PTSD and anxiety. This type of breathing can actually trigger panic attacks. Learning to breathe well again is a metaphor for 'exhaling' all the junk you've been thru and releasing it. If you don't have a relaxation tape, you are welcome to get our mp3 audio on relaxation techniques on our website. Most importantly is to just become acutely aware that PTSD is physical (and often medical) as it is emotional.

Because of this overwhelming need, The Institute is opening its own Women's Pathological Love Relationship & PTSD Recovery Hospital Program at Windmoor Treatment Center in Clearwater, Florida. (Most insurance accepted.) This is the first and only program of its kind in the U.S.

If you are in need of * Pathological Love Relationship Education * Healing the Aftermath Symptoms of Intrusive Thoughts, Obsessional Thinking, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Depression * Learning to Manage PTSD--The Institute's Inpatient Hospital Program is just the place to get your life back! (Opening August 2009).  If you would like to be assessed for our inpatient program (normally ranges from 5-12 days--depending on your insurance), contact us at saferelationships@yahoo.com.  We'll be happy to help you find out if treatment is right for you.

[Cornfield]

Now you know why I plan ahead so I can go to the destination spa in the country in Illinois for five days every year or so.   It is a well balanced program and not radical in its approach.   I took Granddaughter so she could experience the basics of healthy living before she goes to college.  Her mother mentioned that she sometimes skips meals.  Well, she didn't skip anything at the spa so she had to have learned that it feels good to feel good.

Perhaps we can teach the young ones something about problems before they happen in the future.   She still has to learn to keep a clean bedroom and to do hard work, at the age of 18.   Her future isn't my job, really.

Cornfield

[Phoenixxx]

Living the Gentle Life Part 3

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
The Emotional Effects

In the previous newsletter I have been talking about recovering from a pathological love relationship. The toll it takes on people often leaves them with chronic stress symptoms and for extremely bad relationships, often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)--a diagnosable anxiety disorder. The long term stress from the pathological love relationship (with narcissists, abusive partners, socio/psychopaths) effect people emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.

I have been talking about what the body 'does' when it is under chronic stress and the results of this unrelenting stress.  (The previous newsletters about this are on the magazine under Sandra's Current Article) The last newsletter discussed how to deal with the physical ramifications of stress and I even created a unique relaxation audio for people with chronic stress or PTSD (which is available on the magazine under Shopping/CDs,Audios). I also talked about changing your physical environment to embrace the needs of a stress disorder.

Today, we are going to discuss the emotional effects and how to create the Gentle Life for your emotional needs as well.

PTSD is as an emotional disorder that falls in the category of an anxiety disorder therefore, someone with chronic stress of any kind needs to learn the types of techniques that help reduce emotional anxiety. The problem is, by the time people 'ask for help' with chronic stress or PTSD, they have often lived with it for a long time and the symptoms are now extreme.

The emotional effects of untreated PTSD can include tension, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flash backs or hyper-startle reflex. All of these are distressing and over time a combination of these symptoms are normal to have all at the same time.

The relaxation technique is a way of managing the physical symptoms of PTSD. Relaxation techniques are not 'optional' in the recovery of chronic stress/PTSD. That's because these techniques have a dual purpose.  These same relaxation techniques also help manage the emotional symptoms as well as the physical. Learning correct breathing to ward off anxiety and panic attacks can be done thru the relaxation techniques.

Likewise, these same techniques can help with sleep disruptions, and tension. Chronic stress and PTSD are disorders that should be treated by a professional therapist. Especially with PTSD, the symptoms tend to increase over time if not treated. People make the mistake of waiting until it is totally unbearable and then it takes time to back down the symptoms. People are often 'hopeful' it will just go away when the pathological relationship has ended or contact is ended. These aren't the worst relationships in the world for nothing! They are labeled that because they produce horrible side effects!

Unfortunately, PTSD is a chronic disorder which means you are likely to have symptoms off and on for years, maybe a lifetime. This is all the more reason to learn how to manage the symptoms when you may need to. Intrusive thoughts are one of the most complained about symptoms.

This is when unwanted thoughts of the pathological person/relationship keep popping in your head. No matter how many times you try to 'not' think about it, it keeps coming back. The problem with the imagery in your mind is that each time it pops in there it has the ability to trigger you. Your body responses to that trigger with adrenaline which just starts your whole stress cycle over again. So managing the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks is imperative to emotionally regulating yourself and living the gentle life

Living the gentle life means removing yourself from personalities that are similar to the pathological relationship. We often tend to migrate BACK to the same kinds of people and relationships we just left. These kinds of abusive people can cause an emotional avalanche. It is important that you understand the kinds of traits in people you should avoid if you have PTSD or stress. This could be people who remind you of the pathological person, loud or aggressive people, people who violate your boundaries or bother you in other ways. Stress and PTSD do mandate that you develop self protective skills such as boundaries---learning to say no or leave environments that increase your symptoms. Learn to migrate instead to people who are serene or leave you feeling relaxed and happy.

Creating your gentle physical environment will also help you emotionally. An environment that is soothing, calm, quiet, soft, and comfortable has the best chance of allowing an over-stimulated body to relax. Changing your physical environment for your emotional benefits and adding the relaxation technique can greatly impact the amount of emotional symptoms you experience.  Learning 'emotional regulation skills' for stress/PTSD is a must.

[Phoenixxx]

oh I'm really hoping to hear your reactions and thoughts on this latest installment.

Living the Gentle Life Part 4
 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).
 
"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
'Ah....just get a life!'

People ever tell you that? Sometimes from the chronic stress and upheaval the pathological relationship causes, people can get very one-dimensional and hyper-focused on him/the relationship/or the problems. They stop doing the kinds of things in their life that could help them be LESS obsessed, depressed, or anxious. That's because women really tend to 'lose themselves' in the pathological relationship. It's a testimony to the strength of pathology.

The crazier it gets, the more they feel like they need to 'try to understand it' or 'try to make him understand what he's doing' or 'do something that will help the relationship feel less pathological.' This idea can be a 24/7 thing...it can take up your whole life trying to balance the relationship, which, as you have figured out, is un-balanceable.

Getting lost in a very dark tunnel can draw people away from the actions, behaviors, thoughts, people, and resources that previously allowed them to live a happier and more balanced life. The dangerous and pathological relationship is ALL consuming and soon any level of your own self care is abandoned for the insane focus on how to fix him/the relationship.

It isn't long before others around you notice the myopic/single focused person you have become that can't think about or talk about anything except the dangerous relationship. This myopic view of your relationship has now blacked out any other part of your life...people are bailing out of your life, emotional resources are dwindling, your life has become the size and shape of him.

Women in the most dire of all situations (especially in domestic violence for instance) are those who have lost physical and emotional resources and can find no way to get out. The less support a woman feels from others the more likely she is to stay because it takes SUPPORT to get out/to break up/or to not go back. So, by the act of myopia, her life and resources just dwindle away.

One day someone says to her 'man, you need to get a life bigger than THIS!' and something really hits her about that statement. Like coming out of a big deep freeze...the light bulb goes on---she notices her lack of life and says "What happened to me? Where is my LIFE?????"

The last few weeks in the newsletter I have been talking about 'Living the Gentle Life'--especially if you are someone who has lived in a pathological relationship or has a chronic stress disorder or PTSD from the relationship.

A gentle life is a FULL life--one that includes the finds of things that nurture you, that bring peace to you, are simultaneously IN and PART of our lives.

The gentle life is healing because to feel JOY is to send the right kinds of brain chemistry to your brain that fights depression and anxiety and gives the sensation of 'well-being.' We need to be Joy Hunters!

Women go back (or pick poorly again) because they fail to build a life for themselves. They know how to 'invest, invest, invest' in him and THEIR relationship with him but have NO idea how to 'invest' and build their own life WITHOUT HIM like the one listed above. Women who have out side healthy lives ARE the women most likely to get out and stay out.

Loneliness is one of the KEY risk factors in why women go back. There are so many ways to get your needs met for friendship, fun, support, beauty, or whatever you love in life. Building a 'life' is the best prevention for relapse a woman can do.

But sadly, many will NOT do it. After 20 years, I can pretty much pick out who will and won't invest in themselves and build a life. Those that don't are in the same boat 10 years down the road...either with this pathological person or another one just like him. Those that do build a life are less likely to feel pressured to date or get so lonely they pick up the phone and call him.

The Gentle Life isn't even possible unless you have a life that is ready for transformation. Living with a pathological man or picking another one is about as OPPOSITE of a gentle life as there is. Will you be one that rebuilds a fabulous life? Or be stuck in your dependency on dangerous and pathological relationships?

So many women say "But I don't know where to start in the rebuilding...my life has been like this SO long I don't know where to begin." This is such an important issue so to solidify this discussion, I have created a companion mp3 called "Stop Focusing on Him: Get a Great Life." We ran it recently, but I'm gonna put the link in again because it's such a great reminder!
 
Stop Focusing on Him: Get a Great Life

[ranger]

Phoenixx - hey it's Ranger.  Thought I would venture out of my "withdrawl" post. (lol)

o.k. I LOVE this chick - thank you for the website link - I read her articles today but have some questions.. o.k.  First of all have you done/bought any of her e-books / CD's?  I was thinking of purchasing the "maintaining mindfulness in the Midst of obsession (haha - ya think??)  It' $40.00 though??

also - she talks about them being very pathological i.e. stalking, badgering you etc.. I haven't experienced this at all.  Mine was very sweet and I didn't ever have him "chase me" as she talks about or  be "relentless" stalking etc... I am starting to think back though on some criminal issues that I "ignored" and I betcha money were the real mccoy...

[Phoenixxx]

I bought her e-book "Women Who Love Psychopaths" because the hardcopy was not available in a CAN bookstore.  It was so good I gave my copy to my T.

I havent read anything from Ms. Brown that leaves me feeling doubtful about her intentions or her understanding.

In fact of what I have read, her stuff is incredibly insightful to what *I* experienced in my relatioNship.  My exN/S didnt stalk me either, although he badgered me many times while IN the relatioNship.

I think psychopaths come in an assortment of flavours.

[takingtime]

hi guys these are great articles thanks for posting them

i was married for 25 years to a chaotic person and then he died
all of a sudden my life was so quiet
i think that's why i ended up with the Narc crazy person
i completely engrossed myself with him and his life and helping him and fixing him and him him him
it was my way of grieving i think
and understanding that was part of my recovery

in realising the only person you can fix is yourself

so i got a life
i'm concentrating more on my family and me too
just doing simple things around the house
cleaning, decluttering, buying a few nice home decor items
all these little things have helped alot

so true about the exercise too
getting out for a walk at night and looking at the stars
i study astronomy so that is always good therapy for me

it is about finding that peace and appreciating it
it's not boredom
it's peace

[ranger]

taking time- wow I never knew this.  I am so glad you are healing now..

in realising the only person you can fix is yourself~taking time

I am also trying these things as I just bought my new home for us.  But I am having such a hard time focusing.  I end up on the couch in tears.  I miss him so damn much!  I for the first time in my life am feeling lonliness.  I am trying to look at it as you say "as peace" and a blessing but I am so lonely and sad.  Not depressed.  Just so sad.

[Phoenixxx]

Living the Gentle Life Part 5 -
Soul Tearing - The Spiritual & World View Effects
 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
The last few weeks I have been talking about the necessity of living a gentle life if you are recovering from a dangerous and/or pathological relationship. The damage it does to a person is profound and many are often diagnosed with a chronic stress disorder OR Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of it. These disorders respond best to a 'gentle life' that allows the body, mind, and spirit to rest from the overload of adrenaline and stress it has experienced in the dangerous relationship.  (Read our previous newsletters about this topic listed on the magazine)

I have talked about physically how to 'adjust' your environment if you have a stress disorder and we also talked about the emotional effects---anxiety, depression, and other after-effects associated with PTSD.  Today, we are going to talk about the spiritual effects.

Dangerous and pathological relationships violate at a deep soul level. That's because it touches on the core building blocks of our concepts about relationships--Trust, Love, and Hope. Deception is evil and sick and when you realize 'who/what' you have been with, there is a violation that cuts to the deepest part of a person: their spirit.

Often these kinds of pathological relationships have already 'played into' your soul connection...leading you down the path of believing that your 'connection' was spiritual in nature. There were probably lots of promises of the 'life together' and all the 'reasons God brought you two together.' In the end, they were lies but before you knew they were lies, they were HOPES.

~ "Hope is the thing with wings, that perches in the soul." ~ (Emily Dickinson)

So many pathological relationships have "an intense attachment" that feels like 'connection' or 'soul mate status' when in reality it is just the intense game of the 'pathological' sucking you in and hoping you will confuse intensity with something healthy.

But Hope, Love, and Trust are all core spiritual values and when you have invested those core values and beliefs in someone and then the heinous deception is revealed that the 'goal' of the relationship was to manipulate you all along, something 'rips' inside of you. This 'soul tearing' brings a spiritual skepticism, a distrust that permeates everything you EVER believed...sometimes even about God.

It's a disastrous wound to your 'world view' and how you see yourself, others, God, and the world at large.

These mortal wounds to your world view can last a long time because, in effect, they are the ways you have come to 'believe' about yourself (I can't trust my intuition), others (everyone is evil), the world (it's a sick place) and God (He didn't protect me). This profound shift in your world view can increase the symptoms of PTSD--depression, anxiety, alienation, loneliness, isolation, and a fear or dread of the future.

So often the spiritual effects of the pathological relationship are overlooked both by the victim and by the therapist. This 'world view' earthquake has shaken the foundation of your belief system. Without repair to the foundation from which you build your self concept, healing is limited to only symptom management. Spiritual healing of your world view is paramount to your overall recovery.

[Phoenixxx]

Living the Gentle Life Part 6 -
Healing Your Own World View
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
 
Over the past month or more I have been talking about healing from a dangerous and/or pathological relationship. The chronic stress disorder and often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that occurs from the damage done in the relationship requires a serious change in lifestyle in order to heal.

We have been talking about those changes--what needs to change physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In the last segment, we discussed the negative 'world view' effects resulting from pathological exposure. The negative world view impacts how you now see your post-pathological relationship world. This includes how you NOW see yourself, others, the world, your future, and God. (You can read past issues about this subject on our blog--the link is listed below).

One of the seriously 'under treated' effects of pathological relationship exposure is the healing of the personal world view (you can listen to the audio segment I created about this topic on the magazine under CDs/Audios. The untreated aspects 'mimic' PTSD symptoms with increases in depression, anxiety, fear, isolation, dread of the future and other similarly related PTSD side-effects. Healing your world view is critical to a healthy future.

Another often 'untreated' effect of pathological relationship exposure is the 'unconscious adopting of the pathological's world view.' Not only was your world view altered from the damage done to you IN the relationship, but your world view was also altered from the damage done to you THRU the pathological. One of the unrelenting side effects is the 'learned experience' of seeing the world through 'his' eyes.

One of the things that makes pathologicals, pathological is the effect of their pathology on how they see themselves in relation to the world and others. Pathologicals are noted for their over/under sense of themselves, over/under opinion of others, and their unusual view of what the world 'should' do for them.

While you may not have adopted these exact views like the pathological, chances are that your views have been tainted with the pathological's viewpoint. This can include normalizing abnormal behaviors or dissociating pieces of reality AWAY from yourself. Normalizing can make womanizing, over/under employment, drug dealing, alcohol/drug abuse, domestic violence, lying, cheating, stealing, or other overtly wrong behavior 'marginal' when you have taken on his view of life and right/wrong. Pathologicals don't operate by the rules. They create them for their unique situations and break them for fun.     

When your grip on societal boundaries begins to slip, you have been affected by his view of the world. When his behaviors become 'just a little different' than other people's or 'all people are like this' -- your world view has been infiltrated. When you begin to think of other people like he does, or define others by his warped definitions, when you believe his 'take' on things or tell yourself only partials truths so you don't have to really see his 'real' self--your world view has been penetrated. When you become numb and lethargic to the things he has done, your world view has been violated.     

This is just one more aspect of your wounded world view that needs healing if you are going to recover. A wounded world view does not allow for living the gentle life. And the gentle life is probably not even possible until the way you see yourself, others, and the world becomes 'gentle.'

Pathologicals are harsh. They leave people feelings irritated, rubbed raw, and chapped. Your interior does not feel 'gentle' --it feels the opposite of it. Pathologicals are notoriously 'negative' so you may have found your mood, thinking, and reactions to have taken on his negativity. It's hard to heal when everything looks like he told you it looked--bad (and it's all your fault!) It's hard to live the gentle life for yourself when your emotions are anything BUT gentle.

This is the point about the necessity of healing the world view--it's a critical part of your recovery. Because having been warped by a pathological, 'HOW you see determines WHAT you see.'
 

[CZBZ]

Thank you for keeping up with Sandra Brown's articles, Phoenixxx. I will sit myself down and read through them today. 

Hugs,
CZ

[Cornfield]

I really like what the articles say about being gentle with yourself.  I look down at my scar on my right knee and realize that I don't ever want to overdo enough to need to replace my left knee.  The pain was unbelievable, and I really thought I was going to die from the anethesia illness.   I have slowed down my life to the point of boredom some days, but it allows me to pick up the place when it is cluttered, and to sew a button on soon rather than later.

I am old enough to enjoy watching the sun rise from my bay window and think it is really exciting.  It is such a blessing to not have to get up in the morning and rush around with a knot in my stomach.

I wish I had done this when I was much younger. 

Cornfield

[Phoenixxx]

Living the Gentle
Life Part 7

by Sandra Brown, M.A.
Healing Sexually

Over the past couple of months I have been talking about healing from pathological relationships and what is involved. It requires that you face the damage that has been done and recognize any stress disorders or PTSD that you might have now from the relationship. Then it requires that you change your life in order to heal--change your environment physically and learn how to develop a life style that helps you heal emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and sexually.  Today, I am going to talk about the sexual effects of pathological and dangerous relationships.
 
(To read past issues of our newsletters about this subject, go to our magazine - www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)
The last few weeks I have talked about the spiritual effects of a pathological relationship. Ironically, the sexual effects are also often spiritual effects. That's because a lot of the spiritual effects have to do with attaching and bonding on many levels--including spiritually.  In a spiritual sense, we have been designed to bond during sexual experiences. Especially women.  (WARNING--THIS IS GONNA GET GRAPHIC!!)....recent hormonal and sexual studies have indicated that orgasms achieved during sex, release the same brain chemicals that are released during BONDING with your baby! This phenomenal aspect gives great insight into WHY it's so hard to leave a relationship even if it IS dangerous and pathological.

Many of the pathological man types are hyper-sexual--so there is ALOT of sex. A lot of sex = a lot of opportunities for sexual bonding through orgasm/hormone stimulation.  Women are by nature, NOT abandoners. Those they 'attach' to or 'bond' to--they stay with.  So the more bonded you feel to him, the less likely you are to leave.  The more sexually attached (when often feels like spiritually attached) you are, the more confusing it is to detach.

Additionally, many pathologicals who are hyper-sexual bring to the relationship a lot of deviancy. For the first time in you life, you may have been exposed to sexual behaviors or aspects that you have never experienced. Since pathologicals are great at manipulation, guilt, and rewarding your loyalty, you may have been coerced into sexual behaviors that violated your own morality or normal sexual boundaries. Perhaps pornography, sexual acts you were uncomfortable with, group sexual experiences, relationship rape, or other sexual violations. Additionally, most pathologicals in their hyper-sexuality are NOT monogamous so maybe you have acquired an STD from him.

These deep soul wounds harm more than just your emotions--it harms you spiritually and infiltrates your sexual identity. Women often feel so 'perverted' in what they have experienced they feel like they have to stay with him because no 'normal' or 'healthy' man would want her after what she has 'done' in the sexual relationship with him.  In some relationships, true sexual addiction may have occurred. You may feel like you are addicted to him, the sex with him, or sex with anyone.  What you have experienced IS sexual abuse within the relationship. However, pathologicals have the wonderful way of making you feel like a willing participant or that it's YOUR deviancy he is responding to sexually. Remember--they twist and pervert every aspect of truth.

The sexual side effects of the relationship can contribute to your overall stress disorder or PTSD. It is an aspect that should be treated in order to re-claim your sexual identity. Untreated, your skewed sexual identity can cause you to continue to sexually act out; continue to cooperate in his sexual deviancy; use drugs/alcohol to numb out your painful feelings; cause increased PTSD/anxiety/depression symptoms or leave you despondent to stay in pathological relationships out of a sense of feeling 'dirty' or 'unworthy' of healthier relationships.  It can also impact your spirituality--driving you away from the solace and help you find in your own connection to God.

From this standpoint, the ONLY way to live a gentle life is to heal your sexual side and to see the damage done to sexuality as part of the overall picture of the after-effects of a dangerous and pathological relationship.  Please talk to your counselor about the sexual effects of your relationship.

[CZBZ]

Thank you, Phoenixxx! This article is long overdue for the numerous women I've encountered who have suffered sexual/spiritual abuse by an supposedly 'normal' partner. One of the first lines of attack against her intuitive warning system is to tell her that she's a Prude. Or that she's Frigid. Or any other number of insults used against women if they're hesitate participating in sexual acts that make them feel uncomfortable. If she doubts herself AT ALL, she will yield to his accusations rather than seeing HIM as the deviant, not herself.

And then, true to his-or-her nature, the narcissist will ridicule, mock, sneer, tease or whatever tactic works to humiliate his-or-her partner.

Another point worth making is that women are 'conditioned' to be pleasers. To please the man, to keep the family together, to do whatever it takes to make him happy so their family remains intact. The narcissist KNOWS this and will use her desire to please to his advantage. She will do things out of desperation and he knows it. Then of course, he WILL humiliate her, scorn her and threaten to disclose personal intimacies.

It is a dangerous and painful cycle for so many people I've met over the years. the worst of all is that discussions about sex are so uncomfortable and the SHAME is so deep that people silence themselves.

Also, I can't tell you how many older women have contracted STDs from a husband they believed to be monogamous.

Hugs,
CZ

[CZBZ]

Deciding to Not Stay Where You Are At


October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (To us, this includes Pathological Love Relationship Awareness)




‘The First Step Towards Getting Somewhere is to DECIDE That You Are Not Going To Stay Where You Are’

(Anny Jacoby)

I just loved when I read this quote…it reminds me of what we have been talking about now for months—since I began the Living the Gentle Life series which has been about the recovery from PTSD and Pathological Love Relationships.

I get emails that say “I can’t leave because ________.” There are lots of reasons that people (men and women) feel trapped in pathological love relationships–finances, children, health, lack of job/education, religious beliefs, family attitude, fear of harm, and their own damage from PTSD. But the first step towards any kind of internal shift where something else might be a possibility is beginning with knowing you are not going to stay where you are.

The external reasons of ‘why’ you are still there are just that…external. The paradigm shift starts with the internal, the decision you make that you are not going to stay where you are: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, or sexually. What happens outside of us in recovery first starts with the shift internally before it is ever manifested in our lives. We won’t follow a path that isn’t developed internally first. We’ll end up only seeing the road blocks of the external which doesn’t help us.

Over the 20 years of working in pathology and victimology I have heard every kind of story about these relationships: from the most deviant kind of mind control to attempted murder, to actual murder. Financial hostage taking, rape, assaults, stalked, women put into comas, people alienated from their children, people medically harmed, reputations and careers ruined, people locked in their homes or psyches for decades. I’ve heard all of it. The emails start with “But, I can’t and then (the reason).” But yet, they have read our magazine, are on our newsletter, or are emailing us so obviously something inside is shifting–somewhere they are deciding they are not going to stay where they are—even mentally they are moving and changing. Their ‘Yes, but’ might be a reason to them but I see beyond it. I think they are already deciding to eventually not be where they are.

Yes, there are safety and housing barriers–he won’t leave. But every community has DV services or DV housing most likely exists even a town away.

Yes, there are emotional barriers–you have PTSD. But every community has DV counseling services that are free, churches have support groups, community mental health counseling for you or your children is free or very low cost.

Yes, there are starting over barriers—when you leave with only what’s in your suitcase. But DV services and other non-profits offer furniture, clothing and house hold items to those starting over.

Yes, there are legal barriers–you don’t have an attorney. Self help, women’s organizations, non-profits, DV agencies have information on Legal Aid and OTHER types of pro-bono services if you don’t qualify for Legal Aid.

Yes, there are other case-specific barriers–there are so many issues to manage at once. But women’s org, DV agencies and other non-profits have case workers assigned to you so you don’t have to do it all yourself.

You only have to first decide “That you are not going to stay where you are at.” That’s the first step of the rest of your life. That doesn’t mean you leave tomorrow–that means you shift internally–that you open the emotional door of possibility that you will not always be where you are today.

The Institute is not a crisis program so we can’t help you ‘leave’ per se. You need to call agenices where you are at because it’s unethical for Cyber-Programs to be involved in that level of care when we cannot be face-to-face. However, there are lots of things we can do to help prepare you to make that move OR after you have left and are ready to heal.

October is DV Awareness Month and I stop to give tribute and memory to those patients of mine who have died because they believed they couldn’t do anything about their situation or they under-estimated his pathology (or her pathology). In honor of all those who have been harmed, alive or not, we remember you this month and send ‘possibility’ to you that your life can and will be different. I don’t say that flippantly–I too have experienced a lot of pain when I see patients further harmed so I say it from my own experience.

The Institute has helped thousands of people make that paradym shift internally so they could evidently make it externally. We hope you’ll be next. Instead of sending us an email that says ‘why’ your external reason is for not being able to leave right now, use that energy instead to open yourself to the possibility of what it would be like to leave, begin again, feel something, grow, get your life back, love again. Take a journal and write about that possibility. Use your energy not to talk about the staying, but the growing. We believe you will get there!


Why a Focused Recovery is Necessary

The last few weeks we have been talking again about the issue of healing, recovery, and Living the Gentle Life when you are trying to recover from PTSD and a Pathological Love Relationship. In fact, everything The Institute does is focused on your recovery! Our books, other products, magazine, retreats, services, counseling, and treatment programs–all have one thing in mind and common–YOUR recovery.

This has been a tremendous two years of development. (Don’t mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened over the years at The Institute….) Two years ago the newsletter started, we began the retreat program, the Intensive 1:1s in NC, and the training of therapists. Last year, we began the training of coaches, added telephone coaching/counseling, expanded our line of retreat offerings, added more coaches, wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths, began The Institute’s online magazine, and started writing for Psychology Today. This year, we have added online teleconferencing support groups, phone assessments so you know what you need to be working on, and an inpatient treatment program for those needing intensive therapy for PTSD and other acute stress disorders.

All this development because we realized how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological male. All this research because we realized that there was probably really something to ‘the traits’ of women who end up in relationships like this. All this phone counseling, therapist training and retreat/treatment center creation because so few people ‘get it’ about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. An inpatient treatment program because other therapists and treatment doesn’t understand the effects of him on you. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you. The one thing that does stand out in the research is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of ‘hims’ then it’s even more profound.

I wish women understood recovery is mandatory–not optional. If you want a life or to get your old life back–you MUST recover. Why? Untreated symptoms get worse. Symptoms that get worse affect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. And if you do get a healthy one, you don’t like him or you’re too dysfunctional to be in a healthy relationship so he leaves. Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions so you isolate. Isolation makes you at risk of recontacting him and recontacting him lowers your coping skills. As your coping skills drop, your bad habits increase (drinking, medication over use, eating, hibernating). As your coping skills lower, your fantasizing increases. “Maybe he ISN’T pathological,” “Maybe he WILL stop cheating, etc.” and your minimizing begins. “At least he …..” More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of flashbacks, fear of the future, unbridled worry, depression, and insomnia.

Is any of this sounding familiar? By December 31 of 2009 how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, the same symptoms, the same miserable existence? On the other hand, how many of you will be ‘pathological free?’ — symptoms reduced, a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future, how many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, lost weight, have more friends, have a better job, have happier children, got more self esteem so a better job or gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship…?

How will that happen if you don’t take a step towards your own recovery? The Institute has developed an extensive and highly effective recovery products and programs for those who are serious about their recovery. We understand the unique challenges your face and have developed many of our programs and products with that in mind.

For instance, we recognize women are financially devastated by psychopaths. Our e-books and books are very inexpensive that provide an economical approach to recovery–packed full of pathology information. Some of our products are as inexpensive as $7.95.

Women are seriously damaged but don’t have the cash or extensive amount of time to invest in outpatient recovery that could months to get through. Use your insurance benefits by coming to our inpatient treatment program and gain the most intensive of therapy in the shortest amount of time. (Another no/low cost alternative: Contact your local DV program or community mental health program for free support and services.)

Women can’t afford to leave their area for inpatient treatment and need to be at home and at work. We are a low cost alternative to outpatient therapists charging 60% less than therapists for our phone coaching/counseling. (No/low cost alternative: Or check in with your own community mental health center which works on a sliding scale fee and DV shelters do counseling for free.)

Women need to stay at home and have a low cost alternative to connecting with other survivors of the same issues while getting support and counseling at the same time. Our tele-conferencing support groups are $20 for 1.5-2.0 hours of counseling. (No/low cost alternative: Use women’s chat forums for support.)

Women want to get away and heal at reasonable rates. Our retreats (when they run in early spring) cost approximately $22 an hour for therapy–where can you get inexpensive uniquely focused treatment for that?

** COMING SOON: Women want a quick break + treatment + the ability to bill it to their insurance. Our solution = Intensive Outpatient Programs (winter location is in FL, summer location is in NC)–often billable to your insurance. Come to our locations and get 3 months worth of treatment in 1 week! While you’re there, enjoy the beach or the mountains!
2009 has been a great year here at The Institute. We have opened many opportunities for healing in many different ways offering every possible form of recovery–self help materials through books, DVDs, e-products and CDs. Telephone coaching, counseling, and support groups. Retreats, soon Intensive Outpatient Programs in FL and NC, and our newest inpatient treatment center. For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal for the women who have loved pathologicals. We hope you will see the need and ease of adding something, anything, to your own recovery. Recovery comes to those who work it! Let us know how we can help match you with recovery basics and the best possible fit for your situation. Much healing to you!

[Phoenixxx]

Professionals in the Helping Industries & Their Personal Pathological Relationships

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Are you a doctor, nurse, therapist, social worker, female clergy, medical personnel, paramedic, teacher, psychiatrist, Certified Nursing Assistant, day care worker, guidance counselor, speech therapist, missionary, physical therapist, psychology grad student, art therapist, writer, artist, musician, work in parole or probation, or work with at-risk kids? Welcome aboard to the group of people MOST LIKELY to end up in a relationship with a pathological narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. Can your career be a risk factor for finding/staying with a narcissist or psychopath? Unfortunately, YES!

Look at that list again...all the 'hearts of gold' kind of people-the salt of the earth women-the 'Mother Teresas' of the world-AT RISK for attracting and staying with dangerous, dark, and pathological men. Seems unfair doesn't it? Normally, narcissists and psychopaths don't migrate to their own kind and in the rare occasions when they do, you end up with a sensationalized case of a new Bonnie & Clyde. Yet in most cases, they migrate to you!

During a recent media interview I said, "I think understanding this represents one of the largest breakthroughs in our understanding of dangerous intimate relationship dynamics. For so long we understood him but we didn't really understand her. She was wrongly labeled codependent but codependency treatment didn't help her. She was wrongly labeled a relationship or even sex addict and addiction treatment didn't help her. She was wrongly labeled as mutually pathological and yet she was never diagnosed with her own personality disorder. Nothing fit and nothing explained her until we found the missing key...her 'off-the-Richter-scale traits' that put it all in perspective. Once we can understand her, we can help her.

What we do understand is that by the nature of your own tender and helpful personality traits you migrated to a career in which you could use your abundant traits of empathy, helpfulness, compassion, resourcefulness, cooperation, and tolerance. Where best do these great humanitarian traits get used? In helping professions like social work, ministry, nursing, other medical professions, psychology, teaching, child workers...all people with big hearts trying to give out of their own abundance of empathy and helpfulness. By virtue that you even ENDED up in one of these professions means you are probably more at-risk for these types of relationships than others. In almost ALL circumstances, the women from these relationships are either IN these types of professions or are trying to get in to them (they are in school or trying to move out of their job into a more giving field like these fields).

Many of the women who are in these types of professions ended up with the narcissist or psychopath during the course of their actual jobs. Nurses hooked up with patients, doctors married someone they met in the field, psychologists dated mentally ill men, missionaries dated someone from one of the street missions, prison workers hooked up with inmates, psych nurses dated psych patients. Every once in a while we got stories from very left-brained women like CPA's but even then, she's not usually a typical left-brainer. She's still got a lot of the abundant humanitarian traits or she hates what she's doing for a job and wants to leave and go into a care giving field.

This has HUGE implications for intervention...don't you think? If by nature we know that women with SKY HIGH temperament traits of too much empathy, too much tolerance, too much cooperation end up in jobs in which empathy/tolerance/cooperation is the #1 skill, then we also know THESE are the women most likely to go on to empathize, tolerate and cooperate with severe pathology. Knowing that women in these professions are more likely to have the high risk personality traits means education can begin within these professions. Women need to know that sometimes even their career selection is indicative of what their relationship selection might be as well. I doubt any colleges are going to put in their Academic Handbooks  "**Caution, This Profession May Be Hazardous to Your Relationship Health" !! Yet, it's the beginning of how to think about 'WHO' needs this education BEFORE they end up in pathological love relationships.

Once we know 'who' this is, the next question is how best to reach these identified groups of women. Who BEST to reach out to their own field than the nurses, teachers, therapists, social workers, etc. who ARE the women who have been touched by these destructive relationships? Why? In the research, almost all the women indicated career and financial harm by the pathological. NO ONE gets out unscathed!

This is a career risk for women. Many women are demoted or lose their jobs because of their inability to concentrate or he sabotages her work situation. Others have lost their entire life savings putting them in financial ruin. Some have lost their licenses-an incredible amount of college work down the tubes. Doctors that are so fraught with PTSD have stepped down to nursing. Attorneys have stepped down to paralegals. Teachers down to teaching assistants. Professors work in book stores. This is why teaching YOUR industry about what these men can do to their productivity, their futures, and their careers is important.

My hope is that someone from every field we have identified as a potential source will become an educational voice in their industry. Are you an Alumni from somewhere? There's your market...educate your own. Protect YOUR FIELD by peer education-by writing or speaking about these issues because you are NOT the only one in your field that this has happened to OR will happen to. Your field is an identified 'at risk field' that needs what you know!

[LDW]

Hi,

I'm a registered mental health nurse and I had no idea. Of course I looked into the reason of why I would be attracted to him or what it was that draw him to me. I'm not from a dysfunctional family (my parents are no N's!) and I changed my career, very conscious of what I wanted to do, at 27. I started to date him in my final (4th) year and 'fortunately' everything was still 'great' in the relationship when I got my degree. Then things started to drastically change but even with all my knowledge about psychopathology I still had no idea I was involved with a pathological... I work in a psychiatric hospital, most of my patients have psychotic disorders, bipolar or anxiety disorders and of course sometimes the root cause of the symptoms are personality disorders so I'm not oblivious to the behaviour that comes with it. Still... I never could have guessed him to have a PD as well!!

I noticed MY behaviour was getting odd, I started to behave 'borderline' -like with him but instead of thinking this was his problem, I tried to figure out why I was behaving like this. I certainly didn't want to externalise my problems to him! I ignored my gut-feeling that something was wrong and tried to adjust my behaviour and communication with him (applying all the skills I had learned). I tried to analyse the things that happened and he knew exactly when he had gone too far and had to lure me back in. I sometimes saw the panic in his eyes when I was about to give up and many times I blamed the troubles we had to different backgrounds and upbringing.

All for nothing.. I should have looked into what was NOT happening. This is where intuition comes in. There was NO stable sense of security, there was NO clear communication, he did NOT support me in wanting to do a master, there was NO clear direction of where our lives together were going. There was only ONE person (NOT two) trying to make it all happen and that was ME. The confusing part of it all is that he was an expert at making me believe he wanted the same things but there was always this lingering feeling that I had to sacrifice more for him.

In short; my boundaries had shifted over the course of the relationship without me being aware of it. I really believe that if I had gotten out earlier on, I would have tortured myself my whole life with wondering if I should have given it one more try. I now know that I tried everything and that it simply was NOT going to work out. The price I payed was very high though.

I learned to observe my feelings and listen to my intuition, I'm and expert on personality disorders now and I know there's nothing wrong with me. My tolerance for people with psychiatric problems and the behaviour that comes with is high because of my work, but in my personal relationships I do not tolerate any crazy making behaviour any more. The world has become a much clearer place and I'm confident that I've become narc-proof.

Liselotte

p.s. I would never get romantically involved with a patient, I met my ex-N in the train. He is an army officer and he, of course (!) has never had any psychiatric or psychological treatment. There's nothing wrong with him  .