"I Was Too Menial......:

[Cornfield]

"I was too menial..."    That statement by CZ was like smelling salts to me and I get the picture so much better now.   I am still learning, which I think is probably necessary for me inasmuch as I spent so many years in a fog.

He kept me so isolated for the last fifteen years and I didn't want to think about the many reasons why he would do that.  It is true he didn't pick me because of my high school class rank, althought his controlling grandmother found that alarming.  She was afriad he would not be the boss in our family when we married. 

She was so pushy she put herself first in the receiving line at the wedding ahead of my parents, which was a social no-no in the '50's.  At least she wore a hat, which the entire femaile bridal entourage did in those days.   LOL

After I finished college at the age of 48, I relaxed for a while, but now I know that husband was terribly threatened by my newfound power.  I kept looking for evidence of his concern, but by this time he was a master at hiding his true feelings.  He just ignored me and I thought he was terribly devoted and busy at work, as usual.

Several times I mentioned to him when he didn't want me to change clothes to eat dinner out, that I thought he wanted me to look like his grandmother, with her hair rolled in a knot at the back of the neck, no bra, a checkered print dress, and a big purse hanging down to her knees.   And don't forget the cuban heeled, tied shoes.

He would always say I looked fine the was I was, which was awful.   Now I realize he wanted me to look like his subordinate, so he could be the whole show.  Trouble was, he dressed inappropriately in knit jumpsuits pulled skin tight over his fat belly, and so tight in the back they ran into his crack.  And he carried his wallet in his back hip pocket, refusing to believe that it was easy pickings for a thief. 

I used to joke about walking ten steps behind like a menial German Hausfrau but he never responded or laughed about that.  Now I think it was a good idea to him.
He really wanted me to not keep up when we walked, and he was sometimes cruel about it.   Always playing games with me.

He was uncomfortable introducing me to people, and avoided doing so, mostly because he couldn't remember the names of the people he needed to know in order to introduce me in social settings.   I would always ask who the person was later, and now I believe that he sometimes made up stories of who they were!

I thought he was inconsiderate, but it was so much more than that.  The tone in his voice at the hospital when he complained that I had been a pretty good wife, told me that he was hiding his disappointment at my behavior these many years.   I just couldn't get the hang of it, being his menial wife.  I COULDN'T PLAY THE ROLE!

If you are going to live and play in la-la land, everyone must play their stage roles correctly in order for la-la land to come through to the audience.  The problem was I never got to la-la land and told him so many times.   All I received in response was a blank stare. 

I was to be menial, and no amount of college, dieting, hair coloring, or wardrobe management could make this "refrigerator", his possession, into the object he wanted.
I remember laughing once and telling him I should be stored in the barn with the other antiques, ready for moving around on Sunday afternoons.  I don't think he would have dusted me like he did the tractors, though.   LOL

No wonder he hated what I represented to him:  lost power and lost narcissistic supply.   I had to go, but he never figured out a way to make that happen.  He even stopped his paycheck into my household account leaving me with no money for household expenses while he vacationed in Florida and ate steak dinners.  Nothing worked for him, and he tried everything!   LOL

After he died, I bought myself a frivolous, expensive watch as a visible reminder that I was a person of worth.  I had more than earned the right to a bit of bling.  Every time I dress well, I am a reminder that I definitely am no longer menial.  No wonder I smile at strangers in the grocery and in elevators.  I am a free person of worth!

Cornfield

[Lapin]

Corn, he must have been in shock when he realized that you were going to enroll in college and stick it out for several years until completion.  It must have killed him that he was going to lose so much control over you. 

[Cornfield]

No, Lapin, he had no view about my going to college.  I only intended to attend for a couple of classes, but got hooked on the whole thing after I found out I was capable and interested.   We didn't discuss the issue, so he had no idea what I was doing, quarter to quarter.  Dinner was ready when he got home, and that's all he cared about.

He was happy that I was busy with my projects and left him alone to live his separate life.  He had no idea when I made the commitment to actually graduate with a degree.   He never looked at the checkbooks or asked how I was paying the fees for as many as three of us at one time.  It was only after I graduated that I realized we were living separate lives and he was satisfied with that.

When I decided to substitute in the schools because I could get a temp certificate, he was pleased that I was going to bring in some income for the household bills, so long as he didn't have to put me on his payroll.  We were in financial trouble by the time I graduated, and the farming operation was in jeapardy.  He lived in denial all the time.

That's the way it was, and I could do nothing to improve our homelife, so I went to work to earn money.  Dinner was on the table every night and that is all that mattered to him.   He got a hot shower and a nice chair for watching TV/
He ignored everything and everyone else.

Cornfield

[CZBZ]

Dear Cornfield,

When you were no longer focusing all your attention on HIM but were focusing on yourself, that's when he may have decided you weren't worth his time. Narcissists read 'rejection' in the slightest of things and their paranoid fears distort reality to fit their fears. In other words, the narcissist is NOT being rejected, replaced or ignored but he-or-she has those feelings. Instead of understanding their feelings are not reflective of reality, they change their perceptions (or the TRUTH) to fit their feelings. that way, they don't have to question 'why' they are feeling rejected simply because their partner is doing something she loves to do. After all, most of us were very supportive of the narcissist's individual pursuits and it made us extraordinarily happy to see them achieve whatever they set out to do. Because that's how WE are though, we assume EVERYONE is similar. Especially a beloved.

My X worked like a dog all his life and set goals for himself that appeared impossible to most people. I was alone a lot. I had moments when I felt lonely because of his workaholism but always soothed my pain by teling myself he was 'sacrificing his time for his family'. I found out much later that this was a rationalization but it's what I'd been taught as a child when farmers worked 24/7 to keep food on the table for their families.

Instead of blaming my husband or asking him to be home more often and give up his dreams, I worked through my loneliness by finding ways to give meaning and pleasure to my life. I did not even THINK his obsession with success meant he was rejecting me...but I'm an 'attacher'. I am not insecure about my lovability or worth and it was a real shocker to find out the feeling was NOT reciprocal.

When i returned to college in my mid-thirties, my marriage changed forever. My interest in pursuing my dream as an artist who put it off until the kids were grown, was viewed as a REJECTION. to top it all off, when I agreed to let my nephew live with me (he was five years old), my husband saw this as choosing a child over him. that is a narcissistic perception because as all us 'attacher-types' know, love is not limited. it's exponential. if you can love one person, you'll be able to love ten more and ten more and ten more. Because my focus on so many relationships and my own interests was viewed as 'rejection', this became the excuse for him to blame me for his infidelity. I think this is a common occurrance with narcissistic relationships from what i've read online the past several years.

"I was too menial...That statement by CZ was like smelling salts to me and I get the picture so much better now. I am still learning, which I think is probably necessary for me inasmuch as I spent so many years in a fog." ~Cornfield

Thank you for validating something I wrote. it always pleases me when something I've written inspires people to examine themselves and their own relationship and I always always value and appreciate people's revelations and support. It's a reciprocal thing since i do not have all the answers and would never pretend to! But I can pour my heart out on a keyboard!! 

I'll admit that once I started pottery and sculpture, the variety of meals we were used to eating, turned into Bean Burritos five-nights-a-week. LOL I kinda fell down on my job at that point! I just couldn't DO IT ALL and had to get used to the fact. Instead of giving up my art though, I gave up my standards of perfection.

gee...the more I write, the easier it is to understand why my marriage ended!

Hugs,
CZ