Please login or register.
Login with username, password and session length

WoN Forum

February 09, 2012, 01:46:23 PM
collapse

* All About WoN


* New! On WoN Blogs


* The WoN Connection


* NPD and the DSM-5


* Recent  Forum Topics


* All About You

 
 
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

* Shoutbox

Refresh History
  • CZBZ: Good Monday Morning All!
    January 16, 2012, 12:44:14 PM
  • CZBZ: I have sent you an email, Farfalla!
    December 27, 2011, 11:31:53 AM
  • farfalla: I've only posted 2 post but can't even find them and have no idea if they even got reply.
    December 22, 2011, 05:44:06 PM
  • farfalla: being new I can't find this answer, there's just so much to look at, it feels a little overwhelming. Is there a way to have posts that a person has posted to have email notifiication that there is a response to a post?
    December 22, 2011, 05:42:20 PM
  • notakennedy: Dear all here at WoN, I am hoping you all have a lovley Christmas and New Year with your loved ones, it should be a time of healing and family, so as much as possible, look after yourselves and your children and be safe! It'll be warm here downunder for Christmas, to those of you where it is winter, stay warm and well!
    December 22, 2011, 01:54:35 PM
  • CZBZ: The holidays are a rough. Hope everyone is hanging in there okay!
    December 12, 2011, 12:57:40 PM
  • CZBZ: For everyone's comfort level: I do NOT have access to anyone's password.
    December 05, 2011, 02:08:43 PM
  • CZBZ: Follow the prompt when you're logging in asking if you have lost your password.
    December 05, 2011, 02:08:25 PM
  • loved2much: I forgot my password here when I went to change it, it asked for my old one and how do I get it sent to my email???
    November 28, 2011, 12:54:55 PM
  • loved2much: Hey I'm glad I came here when I was broadsided with the phone call last week.  I had an amazing Joni Mitchell concert last night and performed with many fabulous women musicians.  I am so fortunate to have blessings like this in my life that heal and renew me.
    November 08, 2011, 10:12:54 AM
  • CZBZ: I'm glad to hear that you're okay...being alone isn't nearly so bad as when you are alone together.  =tongue2=
    November 03, 2011, 10:50:53 PM
  • CZBZ: Hi there Loved2Much!
    November 03, 2011, 10:49:43 PM
  • loved2much: I'm alone and the season is changing but I am all right.
    November 03, 2011, 09:32:05 PM
  • loved2much: I'm anybody tonight
    November 03, 2011, 09:31:22 PM
  • loved2much: After 6 months he calls me to tell me that he never cheated with another woman and yes when I told him to get his shite out of my home because I was tired of supporting him and is abuse he connects with one of his students a property manager that now he has a girl friend with two kids and he hopes I find love again..  I told him to enjoy his life. and thanks for calling me.
    November 03, 2011, 09:30:32 PM
  • CZBZ: Two weeks since anybody 'shouted'...Hello! Anybody out there?
    November 03, 2011, 09:03:28 PM
  • CZBZ: Good for you! Never give up on yourself, right? Just give up on the N!!
    October 11, 2011, 01:59:13 PM
  • loved2much: I'm home from Nashville.  I gave myself permission to pursue my dreams and it was FUN.
    October 10, 2011, 10:33:34 PM
  • too_many: Yay - I'm so glad! I was wondering if I should write that the characters have developed a lot from the pilot (which I had just rewatched) :)
    October 05, 2011, 09:45:46 PM
  • CZBZ: Love this series! I'm catching up on prior episodes so I can watch this show on TV. Thanks a million for the recommendation!
    October 05, 2011, 01:43:17 PM
  • CZBZ: Thanks, too_many! I'll put it in my instant queu!
    October 03, 2011, 02:09:07 PM
  • too_many: CZ - Parenthood's up on instant Netlix now :) (has the Asperger's character)
    October 02, 2011, 07:52:44 PM
  • SydneyFireworks: HI MUMummy - how about you post a message in the Grand Hall so we can try to help you.  ((((Hugs)))
    September 16, 2011, 10:00:15 PM
  • mixedupmummy: I had his baby three years ago and moved to an isolated island miles away from him.  He's taking me to court to "teach me a lesson" and "bleed me dry".... I am terrified of losing my baby, but most immediately I am so worried I won't be able to cope.
    September 16, 2011, 07:43:15 PM
  • mixedupmummy: Help!  I've not been on for ages and the N has come back into my life with a vengeance!!!
    September 16, 2011, 07:42:11 PM
  • Imogene: 84 days of 100+ degree weather, now.  I can't take much more of this.  Half the trees in the city are going to die.
    September 15, 2011, 02:01:24 PM
  • Legs: I got to turn off the air con for the first time since February. I went for a walk and had to come back home and put on long sleeves!
    September 09, 2011, 03:45:27 PM
  • betterdays: Our cold front took temps from 105 with humidity, down to 95- 100.  Brrr, I need my snow boots now!
    September 05, 2011, 01:18:12 PM
  • Imogene: No kidding.  It's been 79 days of 100+ weather, some one told me.  Can that be true?  If so, it is just plain wrong.
    September 04, 2011, 08:57:43 PM
  • talia: Haha...Yes, Imogene! can't wait to start with walking outdoors again. I so need to!
    September 04, 2011, 02:55:20 PM
  • Imogene: I know!  Doesn't it feel GREAT!
    September 04, 2011, 12:41:20 PM
  • talia: Ecstatic here! Cool front moving thru North TX...Yippee!!
    September 04, 2011, 12:15:42 PM
  • CZBZ: Sunday morning and the sun is shining. How's everyone?
    September 04, 2011, 10:19:52 AM
  • CZBZ: ha! I love BRACKETS! Thank you!
    August 26, 2011, 03:30:11 PM
  • tango3: ((((((((())))))))
    August 26, 2011, 10:00:57 AM
  • too_many: I hear you - I've got five sibs myself! ;)
    August 24, 2011, 08:53:59 PM
  • CZBZ: TY too_many. I needed that.  =tongue2=
    August 24, 2011, 07:19:16 PM
  • too_many: Ah, so that's what it was? Hope you're feeling better & (((HUGS!!!)))
    August 24, 2011, 05:49:25 PM
  • CZBZ: After a week with my siblings, can somebody out there send me a hug?
    August 24, 2011, 02:07:05 PM
  • RB22: Bravo!!! Overwhelmed  you told YOUR truth in court!!! You are one courageous woman!
    August 23, 2011, 12:24:26 PM
  • betterdays: He is a very good speaker, and yes, brainy!
    August 07, 2011, 11:46:40 PM
  • tango3: I watched it but need to watch it again.  Great lecture!
    August 04, 2011, 07:05:51 AM
  • CZBZ: Have you watched Robert Sapolsky yet?
    August 03, 2011, 05:12:24 PM
  • CZBZ: It's an New Week! Hope everyone is holding up okay!
    August 01, 2011, 05:59:40 PM
  • too_many: Yay overwhelmed from me too!
    July 26, 2011, 06:39:28 PM
  • RB22: RB echoing CZ " BRAVO"  for overwhelmed today!!
    July 26, 2011, 03:32:48 PM
  • CZBZ: Shouting "BRAVO" for overwhelmed today!
    July 26, 2011, 12:48:32 PM
  • talia: We are the BBQ here in TX!  =msn sun= =msn sun= =LOL=
    July 25, 2011, 10:00:29 AM
  • CZBZ: Congratulations! The BBQ was soooooo good, we're having another one tonight!
    July 24, 2011, 02:46:34 PM
  • LDW: czbz!! how was your bbq? I BOUGHT a house and it gets better: it has a garden!!! so will be bbq ing soon, hopefully the weather gets better here in Amsterdam!! love to all
    July 24, 2011, 01:09:36 PM

* Calendar

February 2012
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 [9] 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29

No calendar events were found.

* Board Statistics

  • stats Total Members: 799
  • stats Total Posts: 58688
  • stats Total Topics: 9544
  • stats Total Categories: 15
  • stats Total Boards: 43
  • stats Most Online: 149

* Quick Search



Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: Your Inner Child  (Read 1457 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline CZBZ

  • Administrator
  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 8170
    • The Narcissistic Continuum

Your Inner Child
« on: August 04, 2009, 12:06:16 PM »
Quote
"What I meant by the little girl is the child with in that is screaming with need. Please read something about the "inner child". The wounded child, The abandoned chlld, helpless child etc...if you were experiencing the wisdom of the adult that takes care of the child it would be clear that the narcissist is bad news and nothing you need or even want.

It is the child that awaits the note and the telephone call, not the adult. The child seeks the care taker. The care taker is supplied by you and not any one out side of you. That is what needs to be developed..." ~ ~Eyes_Up (link)






Dear all,


Maybe it sounds silly to go deep inside yourself and find the Inner Child who needs you, as the adult, to take charge of her life. When I first heard about the Inner Child, I was in my thirties. Does anyone remember John Bradshaw's series on PBS? Well, he's the psychologist that started my inner journey back in the 1980's-early 1990's. I purchased his book like most Americans, ha, and read through it, even doing the exercises he suggested.

I remember one exercise in particular because of the profound impact it had on me. In all honesty, I don't always do the exercises in books but this time, I was desperate.  =msn tulip wilted=

Bradshaw asked people to put a crayon or pencil in the opposite hand of the one they normally write with and compose a short note to themselves. Whatever they'd like to say to the child-they-were. Since I'm left-handed, I held a pencil in my right hand and started writing to 'little CZ'. The tears flowed. My paper was pock-marked with wet bubbles of salt water and I felt as though I'd gone back in time to about six-years of age. Back when I was learning how to ride a bike and kept trying to figure it out until my legs were covered in bruises. I didn't quit until I had the bike mastered, though.  =msn tulip=

I still have the note in my 'recovery folder'. If you can allow yourself to feel the way you did as a young child, this exercise might be the start of Deep Inner Healing. Don't expect one exercise to be the beginning and end of your recovery journey, though. It's a long process and it's painful. A lot of people cannot stick it out for very long. I'm figuring this message is being read by 'determined' people though. The kind of people who have stamina and hope and dedication because if you didn't have all those qualities and more, you'd never get targeted by a narcissist in the first place.  =msn wink=

I have since worked through Inner Child issues with books written by Charles Whitfield which I can highly recommend. If anyone does 12-step work with AA or Alanon or similar organizations, retrieving the Inner child is integral to healthy, TRUE recovery. I'll list a few resources and if anyone would like to add links to this thread (or comments about the Inner Child work you have done), please do!


« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 12:13:11 PM by CZBZ »
“The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.” ~Joan Chittister

Offline Phoenixxx

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 557

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2009, 03:37:04 PM »
I did plenty of inner child work in the 90's too, although these days I come at it from a slightly different view.

I hope you dont mind but I'd like to offer an exercise I did with my T a few years ago, after I had told her I was sick of doing inner child stuff (once I found a good thing like inner child work, I squeezed every drop out of it and still wanted to do more).

Instead of writing to myself as the girl I used to be who still lives within, I was asked to access the wise older version of me.  So I had to write a letter from my 85 yr old self to my present day self, and offer some insight and perspective about what was going on for me at the time.

I found that impactful.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 04:14:54 PM by Phoenixxx »

Offline takingtime

  • Survivor
  • **
  • Posts: 84

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2009, 01:50:12 AM »
my inner child was used to be ignored and that was what the narc did to me
i'd have conversations with myself while he sat there staring into space
he had so little concern with me (apart from the physical benefits) that he rarely bothered to reply
even if just talking about general daily affairs from the news
or otherwise he'd mumble something and just not make any sense at all
i'd ask him to repeat what he said but he never would
totally bizarre
but then when he was at his manipulative best he was sooo charming, smiling and joking (only while talking about himself mind you)
talk about jekyl and hyde
part of my trying to understand the addiction was to look to my childhood experiences
realising that wanting to be loved and accepted for who you are
not wanting to be rejected or thinking that noone will love me
i pushed all that aside to concentrate on the narc and his problems and his life
forgetting all about me
cause that what's happened all my life
narcs make it so easy to forget all about you and think only of them

but i'm working past that now
still a work in progress

Offline CZBZ

  • Administrator
  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 8170
    • The Narcissistic Continuum

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2009, 11:47:21 AM »
"i pushed all that aside to concentrate on the narc and his problems and his life
forgetting all about me
cause that what's happened all my life
narcs make it so easy to forget all about you and think only of them" ~takingtime

Dear Takingtime,

So true, that is so true! People don't realize what they're doing at the time because if they're like me, they were 'trained' to think about others and put themselves on the back burner. With the male and female relationship, my role was to be a 'helpmate'. It was the perfect set-up for a narcissistic marriage since anytime I disagreed with his decisions, my upbringing haunted me until I relented. Lucky for me and you and many other people though, we eventually break through dysfunctional beliefs and change our behavior. Why? 'Cuz it's killing our souls. What you wrote was very beautiful and honest and it touched my heart.  =msn heart=

Hugs,
CZ


“The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.” ~Joan Chittister

Offline Phoenixxx

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 557

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2009, 11:59:31 AM »
and not just trained or socialized...its also biological.

I had an acquaintance once, a transgender from male to female who remarked on how much he his sense of "caring" increased after he started hormone treatments.

I often wonder when I hear sentiments like Takingtime's, about losing oneself through giving too much, that maybe the answer is NOT in giving less, but in making sure those we're in relationship also give to us.  I think the problem of becoming lost, or drained dry is more about it only being one way.  The depletion comes through the lack of MUTUAL giving.

I think we blame ourselves for our generousity, when what I see in mutually loving and respectful and successful relationships is still generousity, its just not one-sided.

Offline CZBZ

  • Administrator
  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 8170
    • The Narcissistic Continuum

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2009, 12:46:58 PM »
Part of my approach in reclaiming the inner child was remembering specific events in my childhood that highlighted my 'natural instincts'. One of my natural attributes is generosity which I reclaimed after remembering an incident that needed a re-view by myself as an adult. It's a bittersweet story that held a truth about Who I am at heart. While the 'child' led the way to restoring my true self, it's the adult that took her hand and protected her from her innocent self.

I suppose it's fair to say that had I rebelled against my true nature, I'd be abusing myself with self-blame. So as you've written, Phoenixxx, the key is not in changing our natural behavior so we're still creating a False Self out of FEAR of being taken advantage of by selfish people. The key is to protect ourselves from being abused by people who use our vulnerability and willingness to their advantage.

I was a young girl, maybe less than ten years old and had hidden my Easter basket in my closet so I could share my candy with my little sisters who greedily gobbled up their easter eggs in one day. Like a squirrel though, I forgot where I'd hidden my chocolate covered nuts. They sat in my closet for a long time. Well, maybe it was only a week but to a child's perception of time, it seemed like a year. ha!

One day, my little sisters and I were hankering for some sugar and I thought about my Easter basket in the top of the closet we shared. I retrieved the basket to parcel out the goodies and discovered to my horror that all the candy was GONE! Somebody had snuck up there and devoured everything---except for the glistening green grass nested on the bottom of the basket. I even dug through the shredded plastic to see if a foil-covered egg had dropped to the bottom. But no. Every single goodie was gone. Instead of deciding that from there-on-out, I'd eat up my sugared sweets the same day as my sisters, OR deciding to punish them for being piglets, I laughed about somebody sneaking up there and stealing my candy. I finally got the truth out of my second-born sister who felt so bad that she promised to never do that again. Especially now that she knew I'd share my candy with her later.  =msn wink=

It's been very important for me to reclaim my natural traits and view them as attributes and skills, rather than judging my generosity as a weakness. At first, it's easy to define our wholesome and communitarian instincts as pejoratives. After all, that's what made us vulnerable to a 'user' and we have to protect ourselves from secondary abuse if we can. Nobody likes admitting they were duped, victimized, or taken advantage of because they were gullible, right? The automatic tendency I have (and others seem to do this also) is to flip a 180 and instead of being Generous and Kind, we try the opposite and become Stingy and Mean. That's still not reclaiming the inner child who is now silenced by our adult reaction. In order for the inner child to feel safe enough to guide us home to our natural selves, we, as adults, must eradicate his-or-her fear and use adult wisdom to protect those marvelously beautiful instincts that make us WHO we ARE.

What I felt touched by in TakingTime's message is that while my generosity is a natural trait, I did not notice it was not being reciprocated. I was still giving to people who were 'takers'. yes, this leaves us depleted and worn-out over time and hopefully we will NOT mirror their greedy behavior simply because we fear being taken advantage of again. The wise adult self will retain those qualities developed over a lifetime of choices. In fact, we might even fall in love with our Inner Child.

What ties back to my childhood also is my vulnerability to "Pleasing Others" without knowing how to develop healthy boundaries between what other people expected me to give and what I expected to receive as a result of my contribution.

Generosity is not the problem.

Selfish people are the problem.

Had I not been programmed to give and give and give until there was nothing more to give others or even myself, I'd have realized much earlier that it's an endless exercise in self-sacrifice if generosity is not being reciprocated. Some of us are set up for narcissistic relationships and we must return to our family-of-origin to examine how and why we got mixed messages that kept us in an unhealthy relationship. By the time some of us get out of the n-relationship, we are so exhausted that we blame ourselves for being generous and compassionate. I did that for awhile anyway.

Then, I started making NEW relationships that were based on an ADULT'S awareness and lo and behold, my new friends were equally as generous and compassionate. Instead of being exhausted by giving to them, I was replenished by their giving to me. That inner little CZ no longer has to fear she'll be taken advantage of because big ol' grown up CZ is learning how to take care of her natural instincts to CARE about other people and herself.

Hugs,
CZ
“The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.” ~Joan Chittister

Offline Phoenixxx

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 557

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2009, 01:10:42 PM »
CZ, you so eloquently fleshed out what I was saying.  Thank you so much.

I have a very strong, and loud voice in me that has, however, chosen to be stingy and greedy.

...even as the calm adult voice in me is saying the problem isnt with me its with those who take w/o giving.



I dont feel good about dumping whats ugly about my present state of mind on these threads, but when I read posts like this one I'm glad I did.

Offline nutella

  • Survivor II
  • ***
  • Posts: 221

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2011, 12:04:45 AM »
Part of my approach in reclaiming the inner child was remembering specific events in my childhood that highlighted my 'natural instincts'. One of my natural attributes is generosity which I reclaimed after remembering an incident that needed a re-view by myself as an adult. It's a bittersweet story that held a truth about Who I am at heart. While the 'child' led the way to restoring my true self, it's the adult that took her hand and protected her from her innocent self.

I suppose it's fair to say that had I rebelled against my true nature, I'd be abusing myself with self-blame. So as you've written, Phoenixxx, the key is not in changing our natural behavior so we're still creating a False Self out of FEAR of being taken advantage of by selfish people. The key is to protect ourselves from being abused by people who use our vulnerability and willingness to their advantage.

I was a young girl, maybe less than ten years old and had hidden my Easter basket in my closet so I could share my candy with my little sisters who greedily gobbled up their easter eggs in one day. Like a squirrel though, I forgot where I'd hidden my chocolate covered nuts. They sat in my closet for a long time. Well, maybe it was only a week but to a child's perception of time, it seemed like a year. ha!

One day, my little sisters and I were hankering for some sugar and I thought about my Easter basket in the top of the closet we shared. I retrieved the basket to parcel out the goodies and discovered to my horror that all the candy was GONE! Somebody had snuck up there and devoured everything---except for the glistening green grass nested on the bottom of the basket. I even dug through the shredded plastic to see if a foil-covered egg had dropped to the bottom. But no. Every single goodie was gone. Instead of deciding that from there-on-out, I'd eat up my sugared sweets the same day as my sisters, OR deciding to punish them for being piglets, I laughed about somebody sneaking up there and stealing my candy. I finally got the truth out of my second-born sister who felt so bad that she promised to never do that again. Especially now that she knew I'd share my candy with her later.  =msn wink=

It's been very important for me to reclaim my natural traits and view them as attributes and skills, rather than judging my generosity as a weakness. At first, it's easy to define our wholesome and communitarian instincts as pejoratives. After all, that's what made us vulnerable to a 'user' and we have to protect ourselves from secondary abuse if we can. Nobody likes admitting they were duped, victimized, or taken advantage of because they were gullible, right? The automatic tendency I have (and others seem to do this also) is to flip a 180 and instead of being Generous and Kind, we try the opposite and become Stingy and Mean. That's still not reclaiming the inner child who is now silenced by our adult reaction. In order for the inner child to feel safe enough to guide us home to our natural selves, we, as adults, must eradicate his-or-her fear and use adult wisdom to protect those marvelously beautiful instincts that make us WHO we ARE.

What I felt touched by in TakingTime's message is that while my generosity is a natural trait, I did not notice it was not being reciprocated. I was still giving to people who were 'takers'. yes, this leaves us depleted and worn-out over time and hopefully we will NOT mirror their greedy behavior simply because we fear being taken advantage of again. The wise adult self will retain those qualities developed over a lifetime of choices. In fact, we might even fall in love with our Inner Child.

What ties back to my childhood also is my vulnerability to "Pleasing Others" without knowing how to develop healthy boundaries between what other people expected me to give and what I expected to receive as a result of my contribution.

Generosity is not the problem.

Selfish people are the problem.

Had I not been programmed to give and give and give until there was nothing more to give others or even myself, I'd have realized much earlier that it's an endless exercise in self-sacrifice if generosity is not being reciprocated. Some of us are set up for narcissistic relationships and we must return to our family-of-origin to examine how and why we got mixed messages that kept us in an unhealthy relationship. By the time some of us get out of the n-relationship, we are so exhausted that we blame ourselves for being generous and compassionate. I did that for awhile anyway.

Then, I started making NEW relationships that were based on an ADULT'S awareness and lo and behold, my new friends were equally as generous and compassionate. Instead of being exhausted by giving to them, I was replenished by their giving to me. That inner little CZ no longer has to fear she'll be taken advantage of because big ol' grown up CZ is learning how to take care of her natural instincts to CARE about other people and herself.

Hugs,
CZ

Thank you for this.   I don't care if it's 2 years old.  I rarely trust things less than 300 years old.   =wink smile=  Reclaiming what you were, your essence is difficult work for anyone, but for those enveloped with constant abuse, it is much harder.  Thx for the insights.
  Out of instinct, I have been trying to recapture my inner child.  It's slow going. 
 But, I have to go back to my identity at a core level before the N, and I have to keep it with my children. The two kind of coincide. 

Just the "wonder" of it all is a start.  (and kids get pissed off too)

Offline LDW

  • Thriver
  • ****
  • Posts: 315

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2011, 12:06:04 PM »
Dear CZ and everyone on board!

I found an inspiring TED talk by Eve Ensler "Embrace your inner girl".

It's fantastic.

http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html

Enjoy!
Love
L

Offline CZBZ

  • Administrator
  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 8170
    • The Narcissistic Continuum

Re: Your Inner Child
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2011, 01:09:00 PM »


Thank you!

Hugs,
CZ
“The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.” ~Joan Chittister
Pages: [1]   Go Up
 


Thanks for visiting!