Your Inner Child

[CZBZ]

"What I meant by the little girl is the child with in that is screaming with need. Please read something about the "inner child". The wounded child, The abandoned chlld, helpless child etc...if you were experiencing the wisdom of the adult that takes care of the child it would be clear that the narcissist is bad news and nothing you need or even want.

It is the child that awaits the note and the telephone call, not the adult. The child seeks the care taker. The care taker is supplied by you and not any one out side of you. That is what needs to be developed..." ~ ~Eyes_Up (link)

Dear all,


Maybe it sounds silly to go deep inside yourself and find the Inner Child who needs you, as the adult, to take charge of her life. When I first heard about the Inner Child, I was in my thirties. Does anyone remember John Bradshaw's series on PBS? Well, he's the psychologist that started my inner journey back in the 1980's-early 1990's. I purchased his book like most Americans, ha, and read through it, even doing the exercises he suggested.

I remember one exercise in particular because of the profound impact it had on me. In all honesty, I don't always do the exercises in books but this time, I was desperate. 

Bradshaw asked people to put a crayon or pencil in the opposite hand of the one they normally write with and compose a short note to themselves. Whatever they'd like to say to the child-they-were. Since I'm left-handed, I held a pencil in my right hand and started writing to 'little CZ'. The tears flowed. My paper was pock-marked with wet bubbles of salt water and I felt as though I'd gone back in time to about six-years of age. Back when I was learning how to ride a bike and kept trying to figure it out until my legs were covered in bruises. I didn't quit until I had the bike mastered, though. 

I still have the note in my 'recovery folder'. If you can allow yourself to feel the way you did as a young child, this exercise might be the start of Deep Inner Healing. Don't expect one exercise to be the beginning and end of your recovery journey, though. It's a long process and it's painful. A lot of people cannot stick it out for very long. I'm figuring this message is being read by 'determined' people though. The kind of people who have stamina and hope and dedication because if you didn't have all those qualities and more, you'd never get targeted by a narcissist in the first place. 

I have since worked through Inner Child issues with books written by Charles Whitfield which I can highly recommend. If anyone does 12-step work with AA or Alanon or similar organizations, retrieving the Inner child is integral to healthy, TRUE recovery. I'll list a few resources and if anyone would like to add links to this thread (or comments about the Inner Child work you have done), please do!

Book: Healing The Child Within by Charles Whitfield

Website: Charles and Barbara Whitfield Homepage



Website: Inner Bonding with Drs. Margaret Paul and Erika Chopich

Book: Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul



Website: John Bradshaw

Interview with John Bradshaw

Book: Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw


Hugs,
CZBZ

[Phoenixxx]

I did plenty of inner child work in the 90's too, although these days I come at it from a slightly different view.

I hope you dont mind but I'd like to offer an exercise I did with my T a few years ago, after I had told her I was sick of doing inner child stuff (once I found a good thing like inner child work, I squeezed every drop out of it and still wanted to do more).

Instead of writing to myself as the girl I used to be who still lives within, I was asked to access the wise older version of me.  So I had to write a letter from my 85 yr old self to my present day self, and offer some insight and perspective about what was going on for me at the time.

I found that impactful.

[takingtime]

my inner child was used to be ignored and that was what the narc did to me
i'd have conversations with myself while he sat there staring into space
he had so little concern with me (apart from the physical benefits) that he rarely bothered to reply
even if just talking about general daily affairs from the news
or otherwise he'd mumble something and just not make any sense at all
i'd ask him to repeat what he said but he never would
totally bizarre
but then when he was at his manipulative best he was sooo charming, smiling and joking (only while talking about himself mind you)
talk about jekyl and hyde
part of my trying to understand the addiction was to look to my childhood experiences
realising that wanting to be loved and accepted for who you are
not wanting to be rejected or thinking that noone will love me
i pushed all that aside to concentrate on the narc and his problems and his life
forgetting all about me
cause that what's happened all my life
narcs make it so easy to forget all about you and think only of them

but i'm working past that now
still a work in progress

[CZBZ]

"i pushed all that aside to concentrate on the narc and his problems and his life
forgetting all about me
cause that what's happened all my life
narcs make it so easy to forget all about you and think only of them" ~takingtime

Dear Takingtime,

So true, that is so true! People don't realize what they're doing at the time because if they're like me, they were 'trained' to think about others and put themselves on the back burner. With the male and female relationship, my role was to be a 'helpmate'. It was the perfect set-up for a narcissistic marriage since anytime I disagreed with his decisions, my upbringing haunted me until I relented. Lucky for me and you and many other people though, we eventually break through dysfunctional beliefs and change our behavior. Why? 'Cuz it's killing our souls. What you wrote was very beautiful and honest and it touched my heart. 

Hugs,
CZ

[Phoenixxx]

and not just trained or socialized...its also biological.

I had an acquaintance once, a transgender from male to female who remarked on how much he his sense of "caring" increased after he started hormone treatments.

I often wonder when I hear sentiments like Takingtime's, about losing oneself through giving too much, that maybe the answer is NOT in giving less, but in making sure those we're in relationship also give to us.  I think the problem of becoming lost, or drained dry is more about it only being one way.  The depletion comes through the lack of MUTUAL giving.

I think we blame ourselves for our generousity, when what I see in mutually loving and respectful and successful relationships is still generousity, its just not one-sided.

[CZBZ]

Part of my approach in reclaiming the inner child was remembering specific events in my childhood that highlighted my 'natural instincts'. One of my natural attributes is generosity which I reclaimed after remembering an incident that needed a re-view by myself as an adult. It's a bittersweet story that held a truth about Who I am at heart. While the 'child' led the way to restoring my true self, it's the adult that took her hand and protected her from her innocent self.

I suppose it's fair to say that had I rebelled against my true nature, I'd be abusing myself with self-blame. So as you've written, Phoenixxx, the key is not in changing our natural behavior so we're still creating a False Self out of FEAR of being taken advantage of by selfish people. The key is to protect ourselves from being abused by people who use our vulnerability and willingness to their advantage.

I was a young girl, maybe less than ten years old and had hidden my Easter basket in my closet so I could share my candy with my little sisters who greedily gobbled up their easter eggs in one day. Like a squirrel though, I forgot where I'd hidden my chocolate covered nuts. They sat in my closet for a long time. Well, maybe it was only a week but to a child's perception of time, it seemed like a year. ha!

One day, my little sisters and I were hankering for some sugar and I thought about my Easter basket in the top of the closet we shared. I retrieved the basket to parcel out the goodies and discovered to my horror that all the candy was GONE! Somebody had snuck up there and devoured everything---except for the glistening green grass nested on the bottom of the basket. I even dug through the shredded plastic to see if a foil-covered egg had dropped to the bottom. But no. Every single goodie was gone. Instead of deciding that from there-on-out, I'd eat up my sugared sweets the same day as my sisters, OR deciding to punish them for being piglets, I laughed about somebody sneaking up there and stealing my candy. I finally got the truth out of my second-born sister who felt so bad that she promised to never do that again. Especially now that she knew I'd share my candy with her later. 

It's been very important for me to reclaim my natural traits and view them as attributes and skills, rather than judging my generosity as a weakness. At first, it's easy to define our wholesome and communitarian instincts as pejoratives. After all, that's what made us vulnerable to a 'user' and we have to protect ourselves from secondary abuse if we can. Nobody likes admitting they were duped, victimized, or taken advantage of because they were gullible, right? The automatic tendency I have (and others seem to do this also) is to flip a 180 and instead of being Generous and Kind, we try the opposite and become Stingy and Mean. That's still not reclaiming the inner child who is now silenced by our adult reaction. In order for the inner child to feel safe enough to guide us home to our natural selves, we, as adults, must eradicate his-or-her fear and use adult wisdom to protect those marvelously beautiful instincts that make us WHO we ARE.

What I felt touched by in TakingTime's message is that while my generosity is a natural trait, I did not notice it was not being reciprocated. I was still giving to people who were 'takers'. yes, this leaves us depleted and worn-out over time and hopefully we will NOT mirror their greedy behavior simply because we fear being taken advantage of again. The wise adult self will retain those qualities developed over a lifetime of choices. In fact, we might even fall in love with our Inner Child.

What ties back to my childhood also is my vulnerability to "Pleasing Others" without knowing how to develop healthy boundaries between what other people expected me to give and what I expected to receive as a result of my contribution.

Generosity is not the problem.

Selfish people are the problem.

Had I not been programmed to give and give and give until there was nothing more to give others or even myself, I'd have realized much earlier that it's an endless exercise in self-sacrifice if generosity is not being reciprocated. Some of us are set up for narcissistic relationships and we must return to our family-of-origin to examine how and why we got mixed messages that kept us in an unhealthy relationship. By the time some of us get out of the n-relationship, we are so exhausted that we blame ourselves for being generous and compassionate. I did that for awhile anyway.

Then, I started making NEW relationships that were based on an ADULT'S awareness and lo and behold, my new friends were equally as generous and compassionate. Instead of being exhausted by giving to them, I was replenished by their giving to me. That inner little CZ no longer has to fear she'll be taken advantage of because big ol' grown up CZ is learning how to take care of her natural instincts to CARE about other people and herself.

Hugs,
CZ

[Phoenixxx]

CZ, you so eloquently fleshed out what I was saying.  Thank you so much.

I have a very strong, and loud voice in me that has, however, chosen to be stingy and greedy.

...even as the calm adult voice in me is saying the problem isnt with me its with those who take w/o giving.



I dont feel good about dumping whats ugly about my present state of mind on these threads, but when I read posts like this one I'm glad I did.

[nutella]

Part of my approach in reclaiming the inner child was remembering specific events in my childhood that highlighted my 'natural instincts'. One of my natural attributes is generosity which I reclaimed after remembering an incident that needed a re-view by myself as an adult. It's a bittersweet story that held a truth about Who I am at heart. While the 'child' led the way to restoring my true self, it's the adult that took her hand and protected her from her innocent self.

I suppose it's fair to say that had I rebelled against my true nature, I'd be abusing myself with self-blame. So as you've written, Phoenixxx, the key is not in changing our natural behavior so we're still creating a False Self out of FEAR of being taken advantage of by selfish people. The key is to protect ourselves from being abused by people who use our vulnerability and willingness to their advantage.

I was a young girl, maybe less than ten years old and had hidden my Easter basket in my closet so I could share my candy with my little sisters who greedily gobbled up their easter eggs in one day. Like a squirrel though, I forgot where I'd hidden my chocolate covered nuts. They sat in my closet for a long time. Well, maybe it was only a week but to a child's perception of time, it seemed like a year. ha!

One day, my little sisters and I were hankering for some sugar and I thought about my Easter basket in the top of the closet we shared. I retrieved the basket to parcel out the goodies and discovered to my horror that all the candy was GONE! Somebody had snuck up there and devoured everything---except for the glistening green grass nested on the bottom of the basket. I even dug through the shredded plastic to see if a foil-covered egg had dropped to the bottom. But no. Every single goodie was gone. Instead of deciding that from there-on-out, I'd eat up my sugared sweets the same day as my sisters, OR deciding to punish them for being piglets, I laughed about somebody sneaking up there and stealing my candy. I finally got the truth out of my second-born sister who felt so bad that she promised to never do that again. Especially now that she knew I'd share my candy with her later. 

It's been very important for me to reclaim my natural traits and view them as attributes and skills, rather than judging my generosity as a weakness. At first, it's easy to define our wholesome and communitarian instincts as pejoratives. After all, that's what made us vulnerable to a 'user' and we have to protect ourselves from secondary abuse if we can. Nobody likes admitting they were duped, victimized, or taken advantage of because they were gullible, right? The automatic tendency I have (and others seem to do this also) is to flip a 180 and instead of being Generous and Kind, we try the opposite and become Stingy and Mean. That's still not reclaiming the inner child who is now silenced by our adult reaction. In order for the inner child to feel safe enough to guide us home to our natural selves, we, as adults, must eradicate his-or-her fear and use adult wisdom to protect those marvelously beautiful instincts that make us WHO we ARE.

What I felt touched by in TakingTime's message is that while my generosity is a natural trait, I did not notice it was not being reciprocated. I was still giving to people who were 'takers'. yes, this leaves us depleted and worn-out over time and hopefully we will NOT mirror their greedy behavior simply because we fear being taken advantage of again. The wise adult self will retain those qualities developed over a lifetime of choices. In fact, we might even fall in love with our Inner Child.

What ties back to my childhood also is my vulnerability to "Pleasing Others" without knowing how to develop healthy boundaries between what other people expected me to give and what I expected to receive as a result of my contribution.

Generosity is not the problem.

Selfish people are the problem.

Had I not been programmed to give and give and give until there was nothing more to give others or even myself, I'd have realized much earlier that it's an endless exercise in self-sacrifice if generosity is not being reciprocated. Some of us are set up for narcissistic relationships and we must return to our family-of-origin to examine how and why we got mixed messages that kept us in an unhealthy relationship. By the time some of us get out of the n-relationship, we are so exhausted that we blame ourselves for being generous and compassionate. I did that for awhile anyway.

Then, I started making NEW relationships that were based on an ADULT'S awareness and lo and behold, my new friends were equally as generous and compassionate. Instead of being exhausted by giving to them, I was replenished by their giving to me. That inner little CZ no longer has to fear she'll be taken advantage of because big ol' grown up CZ is learning how to take care of her natural instincts to CARE about other people and herself.

Hugs,
CZ

Thank you for this.   I don't care if it's 2 years old.  I rarely trust things less than 300 years old.     Reclaiming what you were, your essence is difficult work for anyone, but for those enveloped with constant abuse, it is much harder.  Thx for the insights.
  Out of instinct, I have been trying to recapture my inner child.  It's slow going. 
 But, I have to go back to my identity at a core level before the N, and I have to keep it with my children. The two kind of coincide. 

Just the "wonder" of it all is a start.  (and kids get pissed off too)

[LDW]

Dear CZ and everyone on board!

I found an inspiring TED talk by Eve Ensler "Embrace your inner girl".

It's fantastic.

http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html

Enjoy!
Love
L

[CZBZ]

Thank you!

Hugs,
CZ