facetsinlife
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« on: September 19, 2009, 06:47:14 PM » |
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I need your opinion (It’s Long)
I have been married 16-1/2 years, together over 18 years. My (H) is Passive – Aggressive, he told me when we were dating he was one personality at work, but at home he didn’t want to deal with anything. Raising kids I thought to myself no problem! Sometimes wives look at their husbands as raising another child! (Not a put down for men) I worked raised the kids, took my daughter to soccer practice which she played for 11 years! And I knew my (H) worked very hard and had a stressful job, so I did more than my share in the house and yard! Bought all his clothes, ironed and put together his outfits for the week, just pampered him! Cut his hair, did his nails, never had I or will ever do it again for any man! Though I thought we got along well, with problems as any other married couple!
(H) Always said his baggage to the marriage was his own issues and mine was my two biological children. He raised my daughter as his own, from age-2, she is now 20.
My son lived back and forth from his biological Dad and me. He at the time was 9yrs old.
I would have to say (H) wanted to give my Daughter the opportunities he never had, though the opportunities he gave her could have given 20 people opportunities. He enabled her until this very day! Most disagreements were about raising her.
Years passed; problems, difficult times, raising one rebellious son, and a daughter who was so attached, though I was the one who dealt with behaviors.
In 2003, my son moved to Vegas, Nevada – his Dad moved out there and his Grandparents were living there as well.
December 16, 2004, I received the phone call at 4am that no parent ever wants! Especially from the Father of my son, who I despised!! My son committed suicide. I don’t have words to describe the shock! I called my friends and thank God they were there for me! They packed for me, got the plane tickets, and I can’t say what my (H) or (D) were doing? All I can really remember is walking around the house, telling everyone I didn’t do laundry and didn’t have clean socks.
My son and I were very close! And I thought I was doing well the first months, and started having suicidal ideations, which scared the hell out of me! (H) Distanced him from me after 6 months! My daughter looked after me! 16yrs old, because (H) couldn’t be bothered! I went counseling and had complicated grief! It lasted so much longer than I thought! I went through the different grieving stages more than once, at one point I drank a lot, took pain killers, as my (H) not only felt I should have been over it already, but also held it against me, that I didn’t listen to him! Still does to this day!
I started to finally thrive again, not knowing where my long journey brought me, in mid 2007.
In December of 2007 my (H) told me he was going to CA, to see his step dad, which he hadn’t seen since he left for the military at age 18. I was hurt by this, because he told me, we use to always ask, just out of respect knowing that the answer was yes anyway! But December? We were always broke due to Christmas, and him telling me, not inviting me! Very odd!!!!!
January of 2008 he started with he wanted to do the things he never had the chance to do, and wanted to move out!
I was floored! I felt like his demeanor changed over night! His words and behavior were of someone I didn’t know. And he continued to get worse! Passive Aggressive yes! Midlife crisis – possibly? He had turned 50. Attachment disorder-yes? I have been researching behaviors for 2 years now!
(H) Started to emotional abuse me, never telling me anything! And when I asked, he would become even more hateful! He pushed until I told him to leave, of course giving him what he wanted.
(H) Wanted to come back home and work on our marriage, after two months of living alone, against my better judgment I said yes. He came back very secretive! Passwords to the computer, not remembering others, which we use to have a list! There were never any secrets! I realized we weren’t getting the cell phone bill, I questioned him and he said he went paperless, I asked him for the password, and of course he couldn’t remember! One evening I demanded it! He gave it to me and to my horror; I found he was talking to some woman in a different state, from September of 2007 – 2008, over 44 thousand minutes. He also went against our agreement, which was no credit cards! And kept his secret as long as he could, but then had to tell me! The only reason he didn’t is because he had purchased a plane ticket to see the woman! I also figured out through the cell phone bill, he spent the night with her in California! Though they shared a room, he denied they slept together! I am sorry, but I just can’t believe him! This is when all his lies started as well!
(H) didn’t like the questioning, and he gave me no answers, I had to find everything out on my own! He was hell to live with and he was always being sarcastically cruel to me, starting arguments that had nothing to do with me! Or he would throw the past in my face, which he was never like this! And I believe that he came home to make a choice, it was me or her! And she won! Thought he denies it!
When he came back he stripped me of my identity as his wife! I no longer could do any of the things that a wife does for her husband! And the things I did do, I was always accused of doing it for him! This was so painful!
He has continued to push for a divorce, though he doesn’t want to deal with it, he treats me like a piece of trash kicked to the side of the road! Oh but he does pay the mortgage, and gives me money when I need it! So all is good in his mind!
He moved out again after 3 months of being home! And has been gone ever since! This has been over 8 months! He pushed me out of his life, slowly and painfully! He no longer gave any affection what so ever! He quit calling, and rarely text messaged. He would text, to stay in control, of the conversation.
(H) Felt he didn’t have to talk to me about decisions concerning my daughter, financial, nothing! Nor would he tell me why? Still no answers, though once he said he was done with his life with me, and it was time move on!
I was the last one to find out his Grandmother died and refused to take me with him to her funeral.
He used his plane ticket to see this woman for 10 days and said they didn’t have sex, that she had morals! I told him if she had morals she wouldn’t have anything to do with a married man period! And also for over two years she probably thinks she knows me and my daughter! That is such a betraying, violating feeling!
(H) Refuses to help me with a 2400 sq ft house, and has taken me to urgent care and the emergency room, for hurting myself! He even refused to discuss any of our assets like the house, he couldn’t be bothered! He told me to make the decisions!
(H) Has been very nice the past month and a half! Started coming to the house and doing things, maybe because I was diagnosed with 2 disks in my neck that need to be replaced, not to mention on going back problems! I kept asking him what were his ulterior motives, being so nice! He said none! Which I knew wasn’t true.
I have no regrets, but after 2 plus years of being treated like a piece of dirt!!! I started seeing someone, nothing serious, but it sure is nice to be treated with respect, affection, and conversation, most of all being able to laugh again!
(H) Came to the house, snooping, and saw an email, acted like nothing. I have realized how good of a game player he really is! A couple of days later, through text of course! He started asking questions, which I answered truthfully, yes I slept with him! Well now it is all me!! He has minimized his two year plus affair, the way he has treated me all this time, and still denies he slept with this woman. And told me he was “testing the waters to come back home!” But he could never live in this house again, because it’s tainted. And for a loyal dedicated and stupid wife, who prefers to isolate, I guess I have been screwing every man I meet!
And yes I slept with this man in the bed he hasn’t slept in for over 8 months, but now it is his bed! He has all these grandiose thoughts that he actually believes are true.
I hired an attorney before all this; there is no equity in this house, which I don’t know what to do? And the house is what has been in the way! Can’t file bankruptcy, had to file after my son died because we had co-signed on a few things with him, can’t foreclose on it, if you don’t know, if you walk away from a home, the taxes on the mortgage will be added on to your income taxes, short sale is selling your home for a price, and owing the remainder of the mortgage.
(H) Wants to rent the home through a property realtor, which makes no sense! And he no longer has the common sense he once did! The obligation of paying them and the rest of the mortgage, due to having to rent it out comparable to the other homes this size.
So he continues to play his head games with me! And I need to know if any of you have been where I am now.
I love him unconditionally, though the love I feel is for the man he use to be! Not who he has become!
The reasons I haven’t divorced him are as follows: I am 48 years old and never did I think I would ever have to start over again! Story of my life! Health insurance, dental, vision, he pays the vehicle insurance, this is my third marriage, and truly the only man I have ever loved! I am past the thought of “I am going to do everything I possibly can, to try to save this marriage, because I don’t want to feel any guilt!” I will never marry again, nor do I think I will allow anyone to get very close to me! To think you have been with a man all these years, and don’t know them!
I can truthfully say, at this point in my life, it’s easier staying married, though I know with all the pain I have been through and continue to go through, there are better things to come, once I deal with this, divorce him and move on! But I feel that I have been through so much. From almost 3 years of grieving the loss of my son, to all this crap with my husband! A coward he is and will always be! It is even hard for me, due to having no family here, and they aren’t the type to be very supportive anyway! Michigan is where I am originally from and can’t fathom the thought of the humidity, cold and snow! I only have my daughter, and she has a lot of growing up to do! I have friends, but (H) and I never depended on other people, we always just depended on each other!
(H) continues to tell me that he will help me out, as in situations where I need a ride, when I get the nerves burnt in my back and can’t drive, things like that! But he doesn’t understand that when the divorce is done with! I don’t want any contact with him. He doesn’t understand that!
I resent him not only for destroying my goals and future dreams, but also because I will no longer have the life style that I never have had, and never will again! Also due to no savings, investments, nothing! After all these years!
I have nothing! If he died I would get 100% of his retirement for the rest of my life, and through divorce he will take 50% of mine and I will take 50% from him and alimony for a time, and he could quit his second job! I say second because he retired from the first job, as I have retired as well.
There is nothing holding me in New Mexico! But I don’t know where I want to go, what my purpose is? I am so depressed I really don’t care about much of anything! I have 3 dogs and that possibly will be difficult in renting a place.
But I don’t want to stay in this state! I am so torn and confused! The only thing that I Love about this state is the weather! Short winters and usually wearing a sweat jacket is all you need, spring to fall is beautiful! And I love to work outdoors! Usually the end February the weather is nice and you can play with the dirt in preparation for planting.
When I think about where I would like to live, I think about a small community, in the country, where the cost of living isn’t that high, crime is low, and find a house that is older but can be made into a home! I always think of the 1991 movie with Julia Roberts, called “Sleeping with the Enemy” The town she lived in, after faking her death.
After all of the research I have done, and with his behaviors and subtle messages, which I have learned to read well over the years. I believe my husband is narcissistic!
Would any of you date someone, and have sex, after 2 years of being married to someone that didn’t want you anymore?
Any advice would be so helpful! But please don’t be too harsh, because my heart is shattered! Thank you
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