How do I deal with this?

[facetsinlife]

I need your opinion (It’s Long)

   I have been married 16-1/2 years, together over 18 years.  My (H) is Passive – Aggressive, he told me when we were dating he was one personality at work, but at home he didn’t want to deal with anything. Raising kids I thought to myself no problem!  Sometimes wives look at their husbands as raising another child!  (Not a put down for men) I worked raised the kids, took my daughter to soccer practice which she played for 11 years!  And I knew my (H) worked very hard and had a stressful job, so I did more than my share in the house and yard!  Bought all his clothes, ironed and put together his outfits for the week, just pampered him!  Cut his hair, did his nails, never had I or will ever do it again for any man!  Though I thought we got along well, with problems as any other married couple!

(H) Always said his baggage to the marriage was his own issues and mine was my two biological children.  He raised my daughter as his own, from age-2, she is now 20.
My son lived back and forth from his biological Dad and me.  He at the time was 9yrs old.
I would have to say (H) wanted to give my Daughter the opportunities he never had, though the opportunities he gave her could have given 20 people opportunities.  He enabled her until this very day!  Most disagreements were about raising her.

Years passed; problems, difficult times, raising one rebellious son, and a daughter who was so attached, though I was the one who dealt with behaviors.
In 2003, my son moved to Vegas, Nevada – his Dad moved out there and his Grandparents were living there as well.

December 16, 2004, I received the phone call at 4am that no parent ever wants!  Especially from the Father of my son, who I despised!!  My son committed suicide.  I don’t have words to describe the shock!  I called my friends and thank God they were there for me!  They packed for me, got the plane tickets, and I can’t say what my (H) or (D) were doing?  All I can really remember is walking around the house, telling everyone I didn’t do laundry and didn’t have clean socks.

 My son and I were very close!  And I thought I was doing well the first months, and started having suicidal ideations, which scared the hell out of me!  (H) Distanced him from me after 6 months!  My daughter looked after me!  16yrs old, because (H) couldn’t be bothered!  I went counseling and had complicated grief!  It lasted so much longer than I thought!  I went through the different grieving stages more than once, at one point I drank a lot, took pain killers, as my (H) not only felt I should have been over it already, but also held it against me, that I didn’t listen to him!  Still does to this day!

I started to finally thrive again, not knowing where my long journey brought me, in mid 2007.
 
In December of 2007 my (H) told me he was going to CA, to see his step dad, which he hadn’t seen since he left for the military at age 18.  I was hurt by this, because he told me, we use to always ask, just out of respect knowing that the answer was yes anyway!  But December?  We were always broke due to Christmas, and him telling me, not inviting me!  Very odd!!!!!

January of 2008 he started with he wanted to do the things he never had the chance to do, and wanted to move out!
I was floored!  I felt like his demeanor changed over night!  His words and behavior were of someone I didn’t know.  And he continued to get worse!  Passive Aggressive yes!  Midlife crisis – possibly?  He had turned 50.  Attachment disorder-yes?  I have been researching behaviors for 2 years now!

(H) Started to emotional abuse me, never telling me anything!  And when I asked, he would become even more hateful!  He pushed until I told him to leave, of course giving him what he wanted.

(H) Wanted to come back home and work on our marriage, after two months of living alone, against my better judgment I said yes.  He came back very secretive!  Passwords to the computer, not remembering others, which we use to have a list!  There were never any secrets!  I realized we weren’t getting the cell phone bill, I questioned him and he said he went paperless, I asked him for the password, and of course he couldn’t remember!  One evening I demanded it!  He gave it to me and to my horror; I found he was talking to some woman in a different state, from September of 2007 – 2008, over 44 thousand minutes.  He also went against our agreement, which was no credit cards!  And kept his secret as long as he could, but then had to tell me!  The only reason he didn’t is because he had purchased a plane ticket to see the woman!  I also figured out through the cell phone bill, he spent the night with her in California!  Though they shared a room, he denied they slept together!  I am sorry, but I just can’t believe him!  This is when all his lies started as well!

(H) didn’t like the questioning, and he gave me no answers, I had to find everything out on my own!  He was hell to live with and he was always being sarcastically cruel to me, starting arguments that had nothing to do with me!  Or he would throw the past in my face, which he was never like this! And I believe that he came home to make a choice, it was me or her!  And she won!  Thought he denies it!

When he came back he stripped me of my identity as his wife!  I no longer could do any of the things that a wife does for her husband!  And the things I did do, I was always accused of doing it for him!  This was so painful! 

He has continued to push for a divorce, though he doesn’t want to deal with it, he treats me like a piece of trash kicked to the side of the road!  Oh but he does pay the mortgage, and gives me money when I need it!  So all is good in his mind! 

 He moved out again after 3 months of being home!  And has been gone ever since!  This has been over 8 months!  He pushed me out of his life, slowly and painfully!  He no longer gave any affection what so ever!  He quit calling, and rarely text messaged.  He would text, to stay in control, of the conversation.

(H) Felt he didn’t have to talk to me about decisions concerning my daughter, financial, nothing!  Nor would he tell me why?  Still no answers, though once he said he was done with his life with me, and it was time move on! 
I was the last one to find out his Grandmother died and refused to take me with him to her funeral.
 
He used his plane ticket to see this woman for 10 days and said they didn’t have sex, that she had morals!  I told him if she had morals she wouldn’t have anything to do with a married man period! And also for over two years she probably thinks she knows me and my daughter!  That is such a betraying, violating feeling!

(H) Refuses to help me with a 2400 sq ft house, and has taken me to urgent care and the emergency room, for hurting myself!  He even refused to discuss any of our assets like the house, he couldn’t be bothered!  He told me to make the decisions!

(H) Has been very nice the past month and a half!  Started coming to the house and doing things, maybe because I was diagnosed with 2 disks in my neck that need to be replaced, not to mention on going back problems!  I kept asking him what were his ulterior motives, being so nice!  He said none!  Which I knew wasn’t true.
 
I have no regrets, but after 2 plus years of being treated like a piece of dirt!!!  I started seeing someone, nothing serious, but it sure is nice to be treated with respect, affection, and conversation, most of all being able to laugh again! 

(H) Came to the house, snooping, and saw an email, acted like nothing. I have realized how good of a game player he really is!  A couple of days later, through text of course!  He started asking questions, which I answered truthfully, yes I slept with him!  Well now it is all me!!  He has minimized his two year plus affair, the way he has treated me all this time, and still denies he slept with this woman.  And told me he was “testing the waters to come back home!”   But he could never live in this house again, because it’s tainted.  And for a loyal dedicated and stupid wife, who prefers to isolate, I guess I have been screwing every man I meet! 
And yes I slept with this man in the bed he hasn’t slept in for over 8 months, but now it is his bed!  He has all these grandiose thoughts that he actually believes are true.

I hired an attorney before all this; there is no equity in this house, which I don’t know what to do?  And the house is what has been in the way!  Can’t file bankruptcy, had to file after my son died because we had co-signed on a few things with him, can’t foreclose on it, if you don’t know, if you walk away from a home, the taxes on the mortgage will be added on to your income taxes, short sale is selling your home for a price, and owing the remainder of the mortgage.
(H) Wants to rent the home through a property realtor, which makes no sense!  And he no longer has the common sense he once did! The obligation of paying them and the rest of the mortgage, due to having to rent it out comparable to the other homes this size.   

So he continues to play his head games with me!  And I need to know if any of you have been where I am now.

I love him unconditionally, though the love I feel is for the man he use to be!  Not who he has become!

 The reasons I haven’t divorced him are as follows:  I am 48 years old and never did I think I would ever have to start over again!  Story of my life!  Health insurance, dental, vision, he pays the vehicle insurance, this is my third marriage, and truly the only man I have ever loved!  I am past the thought of “I am going to do everything I possibly can, to try to save this marriage, because I don’t want to feel any guilt!” I will never marry again, nor do I think I will allow anyone to get very close to me!  To think you have been with a man all these years, and don’t know them!

I can truthfully say, at this point in my life, it’s easier staying married, though I know with all the pain I have been through and continue to go through, there are better things to come, once I deal with this, divorce him and move on!  But I feel that I have been through so much. From almost 3 years of grieving the loss of my son, to all this crap with my husband!  A coward he is and will always be!  It is even hard for me, due to having no family here, and they aren’t the type to be very supportive anyway!  Michigan is where I am originally from and can’t fathom the thought of the humidity, cold and snow!  I only have my daughter, and she has a lot of growing up to do!  I have friends, but (H) and I never depended on other people, we always just depended on each other! 
(H) continues to tell me that he will help me out, as in situations where I need a ride, when I get the nerves burnt in my back and can’t drive, things like that!  But he doesn’t understand that when the divorce is done with!  I don’t want any contact with him.  He doesn’t understand that!

I resent him not only for destroying my goals and future dreams, but also because I will no longer have the life style that I never have had, and never will again!  Also due to no savings, investments, nothing! After all these years! 

I have nothing!  If he died I would get 100% of his retirement for the rest of my life, and through divorce he will take 50% of mine and I will take 50% from him and alimony for a time, and he could quit his second job!  I say second because he retired from the first job, as I have retired as well.

There is nothing holding me in New Mexico!  But I don’t know where I want to go, what my purpose is?  I am so depressed I really don’t care about much of anything!  I have 3 dogs and that possibly will be difficult in renting a place.

But I don’t want to stay in this state!  I am so torn and confused!  The only thing that I Love about this state is the weather!  Short winters and usually wearing a sweat jacket is all you need, spring to fall is beautiful!  And I love to work outdoors!  Usually the end February the weather is nice and you can play with the dirt in preparation for planting.
 
When I think about where I would like to live, I think about a small community, in the country, where the cost of living isn’t that high, crime is low, and find a house that is older but can be made into a home!  I always think of the 1991 movie with Julia Roberts, called “Sleeping with the Enemy” The town she lived in, after faking her death.     

After all of the research I have done, and with his behaviors and subtle messages, which I have learned to read well over the years.  I believe my husband is narcissistic!

Would any of you date someone, and have sex, after 2 years of being married to someone that didn’t want you anymore?

Any advice would be so helpful!  But please don’t be too harsh, because my heart is shattered!  Thank you
   

[KarenF]

Would any of you date someone, and have sex, after 2 years of being married to someone that didn’t want you anymore?

No.  Because...

We need the time on our own to heal, mend, and figure out who we are now that things are so different.  Going into another relationship is bringing in the same baggage because it was never dealt with...we ALL have baggage.

Let your H go...focus on yourself, not yourself in another relationship...not yet.

[SydneyFireworks]

Dear facetsinlife,

Hello, and welcome to WoN!  You will find a great bunch of women here, many of whom have been in long relationships with disordered partners, and have experiences very similar to yours.

My own experience was relatively short and we never married or cohabited, so I'm not well equipped to offer advice.  But I tend to agree with KarenF that you need to take time on your own to heal and to figure out your baggage before getting into another relationship.

Hugs and welcome again. 
Syd

[CZBZ]

"Would any of you date someone, and have sex, after 2 years of being married to someone that didn’t want you anymore?" ~Facetsinlife

You were married 18 years and now that you're re-examining that marriage, you're facing the truth about a relationship that was emotionally barren, lacking in intimacy (trust is the basic foundation to true intimacy), non-reciprocal (he told you up front that he would not lower himself to doing domestic tasks), he created a competitive divide between yourself and your daughter by treating her better than he did his own wife, expected you to clip his nails and cut his hair yet could not reciprocate the 'caring' when you needed him to take care of you, started lying to you about his absences in 2007, became secretive (which feels like a 'rejection') and said he wanted to move out and do what he wanted (in other words, you are not what he wanted), stated that he wanted a divorce and left to be with another woman while LYING HIS ASS OFF about not sleeping with her and you want to know if other people might have had a romantic fling after all that?? Gosh, Facetsinlife, people have romantic flings for fewer reasons that the ones you've listed. they might regret their decision later but it's understandable.

ESPECIALLY with a narcissist who wants to END the relationship but refuses to be the one to END it. His goal is to mistreat you badly enough that YOU will end it FOR him. Then he can blame you for the divorce and lie to himself about wanting the divorce. He will also lie to himself (or anyone) about not sleeping with the MORAL woman he's using to BEAT the he11 out of you now. She's moral. You're not. That's what he wants you to believe because if you keep feeling guilty and like you FAILED him, it makes him feel so powerful and perfect. Listen, he already pitted your daughter against you, so it's not odd to me that he'd play the same game with Another Woman. If you have any feelings that you are not worthy enough, not perfect enough, not as GOOD as another woman, he will use that to manipulate and beat you down.

I've seen similar scenarios with people---the narcissist DRIVES a woman into another man's arms and then uses her GUILT to keep her repentent. You may not be religious but let me say this: you do not need to REPENT or beg forgiveness from the narcissist who believes himself to be GOD. He sounds to me like he is the good Lord Almighty who is reigning down judgment on his wife without admitting how miserably he treated you so you WOULD seek comfort elsewhere.

Other people besides yourself have found comfort in a lover's arms when the narcissistic relationship left them feeling empty, worthless, rejected and miserable. It's understandable. The task for you is to forgive yourself and REFUSE to let the jerk-of-a-husband beat you up when for YEARS, he used other women to keep you feeling 'less than'. I am not here to place judgement on anyone for the choices they've made in their lives. And I don't believe most WoN members would ever do that.

Do you want a divorce? does he? Is a legal separation even a consideration??


Hugs,
CZ




 

[CZBZ]

P.S. If you are comfortable with this, I would like to move this thread to the General Board where you will likely get more responses from forum members. Let me know if that is okay with you.


Hugs,
CZ

[Liadan]

Welcome to WoN, facetsinlife.

I can certainly relate to the stress, uncertainty, and fear you're experiencing in your situation as I'm currently going through something similar myself. StbxNH and I are divorcing after a longterm marriage, and I've found that trying to discuss any issues with him, or trying to count on him for anything that would make decision making easier for me is like trying to "nail jello to a tree" (as the saying goes). It's just not happening, and won't...period.

What I found most helpful for me was no contact with stbxNH so I could breathe, focus on taking care of my health issues first and foremost, rest, and begin thinking rationally again. Before this, stbxNH had me so anxious, scared, confused, uncertain, and at his mercy as he kept threatening he was going to "do this" or "stop doing that"...and had me believing he had all the control. He doesn't, and neither does your N.

As frightening as it seems, and as difficult as it may be, I've found it very comforting to know that many others have been in similar situations to mine (sometimes worse) and have succeeded in building a life after divorcing the N. It is possible....and I remind myself of this every single day. I also remind myself every single day...I am smart...I am capable....I am worthy....and I deserve to live the life I imagine. I can do this....one day at a time....one problem at a time...one step at a time.

So can you.

Keep reading, posting, and above all, take care of you. Breathe, rest, eat right, keep reaching out for support, and know that you're not alone.

hugs,
Liadan

[Crystalstream]

Hi,
My first time posting here.  Thank you for your post.  I have so many parallels it is spooky.  I have been married for 11 years and have been with my current husband for 15.  Three of them have been apart.

I wonder if we will get divorced.  I wonder if he will force me to do it.  he treats me so bad and when I get upset he makes it about me.  I love some of the things I have read here.  My fear is that we wont have the happy life I thought we would have.  I don't think he is having an affair, it really doesn't matter.  that would not be as bad as the way he treats me. 
I wouldn't go near another man right now.  I have instituted no contact, made it once for 7 days, relapsed for a week, now have it back for 4 days.  I am feeling better.  I know this isn't going to last.  I know that something will happen that he will contact me again and god knows what will come out of his mouth.  Shame, regret, remorse, gaslighting, arguments, resolve..... it is anyones guess.  I am doing the no contact thing because I get absolutely insane when he calls me.  My physical feelings are indescribable.  At times I walk around my apartment saying "thank you, oh thank you for this peace and respite."  Other times I walk around feeling so bad I don't want to live, I don't want to die.  My self esteem is in the toilet.  has been for a long time, maybe it was there when I met him. 
My husband also: supports me, has the big house, the big job, I have shared my fear with at least one of the frequent contributors on here.  I think he feels the same, better to be separated than divorce.  I have decided that I am not going to institute anything right now.  I am going to live my life and prepare myself for the end of our life together.  I am getting ready to do some work in Alanon that will either get me ready to divorce or ready to work it out.  Either way I will be alright in the end.
Glad to get to know you through here.  I am so sorry about the loss of  your son.  I send you peace and understanding for some of life's lot.

[Crystalstream]

Something I wanted to share with you about the sex relation.  We have not had intimacy in 3 and a half years.  I told my psychiatrist this the other day.  He said:  Why did you choose that?  I said, "I didnt, he did."  he said, "no, you bought it.  You accepted it.  You agreed to it. You did not say in a loving way, "I need this.  This is essential to our marriage.  If you dont choose to get help for this, I will find it somewhere else."  But, as I type this, it could have been a passive agressive way to get me to be the one to either act outside the marriage, or give him an ultimatum that he would not be a part of.  It all adds up to control if you ask me.  So we are in limbo, I have decided that it is not good for me to engage in any controversy.  I will not.  I am doing the no contact thing to get strong myself.  to listen to what my HP wants for me.  the end of the marraige, the loss of the big income and the big house is nothing but a gift if I choose to look at it that way.  I may find myself pushing a shopping cart whistling a happy tune, you never know!  I do know that I have found a cheap farm house 5 miles out that has a gorgeous view, will always be a rental property, I will never have to leave it, and is in an apple orchard with a barn and 3 acres.  Now, how do I fake my death! LOL

[Pandora]

How interesting....that part of 'sleeping with the enemy" stayed in my head and heart too.

It did become a reality for me.
 Something happened to me one evening whilst talking (actually..he was talking..giddy as a school boy, telling me about his OW) to my now x narcissist. He looked me in the eye and told me that I'd like the other woman..she was a sweet, religious girl and a great mum to her four children (alrighty then) ...understand that we had been married for 30 years..and here he was gushing to me about her..
Right there and then something changed for me..I knew I had to prepare like I'd never prepared for anything in my life before. I didn't look back..just focused on my and my children's future.

I now live on a small farm in a small town. No apple trees yet (I have some beautiful black walnut trees) .
The best part is not walking on egg shells... I still have a lot of healing to do....but I have some peace in my life..that's all I ever wanted.
I also went no contact, put blinkers on and just looked ahead. Time to take care of yourself now.
Huge hugs to you.


 

[CZBZ]

"Something happened to me one evening whilst talking (actually..he was talking..giddy as a school boy, telling me about his OW) to my now x narcissist. He looked me in the eye and told me that I'd like the other woman..she was a sweet, religious girl and a great mum to her four children (alrighty then) ...understand that we had been married for 30 years..and here he was gushing to me about her...Right there and then something changed for me..I knew I had to prepare like I'd never prepared for anything in my life before. I didn't look back..just focused on my and my children's future."


I was told the same thing. I reacted like you, Pandora. I knew something was seriously wrong, far beyond my comprehension. The warning bells were clanging...it felt like I was no more 'human' to him than a park bench.


Hugs,
CZ

[Pandora]

Exactly CZ...It made my blood run cold.