Divorce, Breakup---and an Affair by Michele Germain

[CZBZ]

The Nature of the Narcissist
 

Divorce, Breakup  -  And An Affair

by Michele Germain, LCSW, MFT, CBT

I gave a lecture this past weekend with a group of women going through a divorce, the topic, “Healing from A Divorce or Break-up” I was talking about the importance of going through the grieving process which allows closure to occur with the end of the relationship. The length of time this takes is different for everyone. In order to move forward with one’s life, feelings of loss must be felt and released, however long it takes.

A woman then raised her hand with tears and deep heartbreak showing through her whole body she asked, “How do I get over the fact that my husband has had an affair and is leaving me for another woman”; I have not been able to get this off my mind since I found out about the affair one year ago.” I asked the question to the group, how many other women have had this experience. Some raised their hands. In my experience, women who are married to “narcissistic men” and are in the divorce process, very often find out their husband have had an affair. (An affair can occur among other character types as well).

It is very difficult to grieve the ending of any relationship, but if you are the non-initiator and your husband has had an affair, it can be more challenging to work through the grief and move on emotionally with your life. The deceit and dishonesty is difficult, women usually tell themselves that they are not enough, and there is a need to understand every detail of how, when, what and why of the affair, which can turn into a daily mental obsession. You can spends hours, days, months going over and over in your mind any or all of the following thoughts/questions: “when was he lying and when wasn’t he”, “did he love me at all”, “what does this other women have that I don’t“, “how could he do this to me and the kids”, “was he really working all those evenings” “where was he when he took all of those out of town trips”, etc. etc.; to name only a few of the mental self talk that can occur.

If you believe that resolution and closure will only occur if your husband CONFESSES THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH so that you know every detail of the affair, this will probably not occur. You deserve the honest truth and are entitled to know the truth, but you will have to move on and do the grief work without knowing all the answers to your questions.

How do you work through your husband affair?

It takes courage, self love, letting go of the need to want him to help you understand why he did what he did, and diving into the grief work without knowing all the reasons why this has occurred.

There are two important things to remember if this has happened to you:

FIRST, do not stay stuck in the sadness and helplessness. It is easy to feel like a victim in this situation. Feeling sorry for yourself that you have been left, blaming yourself for not being ENOUGH and staying in the helplessness will only increase your suffering and prolong your healing process. Many women hold onto this pain and it keeps them from ever deeply trusting another man. They stay in their “safety zone”, when dating and sometimes become bitter, not fully understanding that they are still carrying around the wound and pain and a hidden belief about themselves that they are not good enough to find another relationship. Consider that his leaving is not about you, but his attempt to run away from himself and all the things he does not want to face. It is a distraction that many men as well as women do to avoid going inside to resolve their emotional issues.

The SECOND thing to remember is that you must work through the anger that you have toward your ex-husband and the other women. It’s easy for women to cry but sometimes not really let themselves get angry. Write down everything you want to say and every thing you feel about the dishonesty and betrayal you feel. Get a friend to sit in a chair silently while you stand or sit and pretend you are talking to your husband. Let go of everything you feel and all the unspoken silent thoughts and feelings you have kept inside yourself. Your friend just listens and says nothing. Do this as many times as you need until you have let go of all of the feelings not just the sadness. Consider it a cleansing process.

The THIRD thing to remember from my point of view is that there are no accidents. This is a spiritual crisis and a call from your soul to look deep within. I believe this is the gift in every crisis in our lives. I believe you are forced to dive deep within yourself to develop a better relationship with yourself and find your right path. Consider that he may have done you a favor by exposing himself so you can now see the whole truth of the relationship you have been living.

In my opinion a spiritual recovery is important and will allow you to let go of the devastating pain of this type of betrayal. Bring compassion to your questioning mind and broken heart and take one step at a time as you go through the healing process.

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Michele Germain, author of “The Jill Principle – A Woman’s Guide To Healing Your Spirit After Divorce Or Breakup” (Llewellyn Worldwide, 2008) She specializes in the mind/body connection and is a certified Bioenergetic Analyst, an approach that deals with releasing the emotional pain that remains in the body allowing for greater connection and capacity for pleasure. The spiritual aspect of recovery is part of her holistic approach. She has appeared on cable television, radio, and has lectured aboard major cruise lines. For more information visit www.michelegermain.com or www.DivorcingaNarcissist.com. As a relationship expert, she offers phone consultation to those who need help with any significant relationship. She is a Relationship Coach, Spiritual coach and an expert in divorce recovery, and in helping others find the spiritual gift in the ending of a relationship due to Divorce or a Breakup.

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Other articles and coaching services are available at Divorcing a Narcissist


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[Proud2B]

Great advice - all of it.

Somehow though, I still try to deal with the anger and hurt of it all, and boy is there a lot of it!  What the article recommends - sitting down or writing it down just once - isn't enough.  I think I've 'bout worn my girlfriends out moaning and groaning about what a piece of sh*t I was married to.  I'm STILL very angry at both the exN and the church secretary for what they did.

Not that I would ever what to go back to ar elationship with the exN, but I still feel anger.  It took a while for me to figure out that just because I was majorly pizzed, didn't mean I wanted the exN back; that I was dealing with the injury, not pining away over a lost relationship.  That realization was a major cross-road for me, but I AM STILL ANGRY OVER WHAT THEY DID.  What they did (had an affair) offends my sense of fairness for myself and others, but their attitude now just kills me.  "Well, the relationship was over anyway..."  Huh?  My only consolation was his sense of guilt.  If he felt guilty, (or shame in his case), he knew it was 'wrong', knew he lied, but did it anyway.  The "it was over anyway" comment is an attempt to let himself off the hook.  She knew better too - she lost her JOB and CHURCH family, but she was more than eager to let him steer her boat.  ha!

Been there, done that, don't need or want to do it again.  And even though I am still angry, I wouldn't have it any other way.   

Anyway, great article, CZ.  Thanks for posting it.

Proud 

[CZBZ]

You're welcome, Proud! There are many professional psychologists writing articles for Internet readers now. I was so confused and ill-prepared...I had no idea what was happening to my formerly chipper and trusting personality, nor could I ever have even imagined how excruciating the pain would be! We're warned about childbirth all the time but MY GOSH, betrayal hurts far worse than giving birth to octuplets. Without an epidural.

Another lousy fact is that most people sympathize with ya if you have a child but most people do NOT sympathize with us after betrayal. Maybe people can't know until they've been through it themselves. Well, anybody who knows me is fully aware that betrayal knocks a strong woman to her knees...it's much safer to commit infidelity than to go to jail for beating a woman up. With infidelity, she and other people, blame her for getting hurt. Would you agree with that?

Maybe she isn't BLAMED entirely but she is held accountable for causing at least one-half of her injuries. I'm fairly vocal about the emotional pain people endure when a partner is infidel. IT"S HORRIBLE. I have no words to describe the experience!

"It takes courage, self love, letting go of the need to want him to help you understand why he did what he did,
and diving into the grief work without knowing all the reasons why this has occurred." ~Excerpted from the article

They can't tell ya WHY because they don't know WHY. That's because they weren't thinking with their brains so their brains can't give ya a logical answer. As far as I know, there aren't a lot of answers because at this point in our evolution, penises don't talk.


Hugs,
CZ

[Proud2B]

CZ,
IMO, when someone holds the betrayed woman 'half to blame' for the behavior of an unfaithful spouse, it's just plain old b*llsh*t.  It's one more example of 'blaming the victim'. 

People will say, "It takes two to tango."  Well, yes, that's true.  But it doesn't mean she (or anyone) deserves to be betrayed, or that they brought it on themselves.  It is not justification for the offending spouse committing adultery.  Not in my book.   

People are really uncomfortable with other people's pain.  Infidelity and adultery are just too close for comfort for a lot of folks, and it's a lot easier to blame the person who was betrayed, than to look inside and think how they might feel if it happened to them.

I totally understand that.  But it doesn't make it right, and when I hear it, I call it.  I don't care WHO is saying it.  That's also why I choose teachers who walk with a limp.  They've been there and done that, too. 

Mucho hugs,
Proud