PDF: Two Faces of Narcissism by Paul Wink

[CZBZ]

An eight-page research paper from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology:


Two Faces of Narcissism

The present study examines the lack of strong correlations among existing self-report measures of narcissism. A principal-components analysis of 6 MMPI narcissism scales resulted in 2 orthogonal factors, 1 implying Vulnerability-Sensitivity and the other Grandiosity-Exhibitionism. Although unrelated to each other, these 2 factors were associated with such core features of narcissism as conceit, self-indulgence, and disregard of others. Despite this common core, however, Vulnerability-Sensitivity was associated with introversion, defensiveness, anxiety, and vulnerability to life's traumas, whereas Grandiosity-Exhibitionism was related to extraversion, self-assurance, exhibitionism, and aggression. Three alternative interpretations of these results are considered, and an argument for the distinction between covert and overt narcissism is made.

by Paul Wink

Institute of Personality Assessment and Research
University of California, Berkeley

(1991)

"...When it is overt, narcissistic grandiosity leads to a direct expression of exhibitionism, self-importance, and preoccupation with receiving attention and admiration from others. This overt form of narcissism is reflected in the DSM-III criteria, which also acknowledge the contradictory nature of narcissistic self-esteem. Similarly, Reich's (1949) notion of phallic narcissism stresses arrogant self-assurance, blatant self-confidence, and flagrant display of superiority.

"The second form of narcissism, covert narcissism, is marked by largely unconscious feelings of grandeur and openly displayed lack of self-confidence and initiative, vague feelings of depression, and an absence of zest for work (narcissistic deficiency). Covertly narcissistic individuals appear to be hypersensitive, anxious, timid, and insecure, but on close contact surprise observers with their grandiose fantasies (Kernberg, 1986). Moreover, they share with the overt narcissists those narcissistic characteristics, such as exploitativeness and a sense of entitlement, whose expression does not depend on interpersonal style..."

[BlueSky]

Thanks for posting that.  I read the article and much of it was over my head, but I did get something out of it.  I think my ex is a covert narcissist.  Seems like the majority of what I've read about narcissists seemed pointed more towards overt narcissists, which I think made it hard for me to believe ex was an N.  These words from the article describe him to a 'T':

"Only the Vulberability-Sensitivity factor correlated with the observer-based CAQ measure of narcissistic hypersensitivity indicative of defensiveness, hostility, sensitivity to slight, and concern with one's own adequacy."

Thanks again!

[CZBZ]

Hi Bluesky!

We have more than enough information on the OVERT narcissist, the person who is obviously arrogant, boastful, grandiose and prideful. We do not have a lot of research on COVERT narcissism. The discrepency, at least according to complaints by the psychological community, is due to a limited definition of NPD in the DSM-IV. The criteria defining Narcissistic Personality Disorder is limited to OVERT narcissism and needs revision, research and better criteria.

I spent some time tonight posting a few articles about Overt versus Covert narcissism. There are a lot of people on WoN who were not with boastful, arrogant narcissists but with narcissists who might be more correctly defined as 'shy' ( a term used by Elsa Ronningstam in her book on NPD).

Perhaps you've read about 'inverted narcissism', a term used by Sam Vaknin to describe narcissistic individuals who like to wield their power behind-the-leader instead of being on the firing line themselves. Unfortunately, I find descriptions of 'inverted' narcissism to be pejorative towards women who have been socialized to 'support', not 'lead'. Just like the garbage can diagnosis of BPD, we need to be careful applying labels like shy narcissism, overt narcissism or inverted narcissism to victims of Ns.

We oughta get a thread going about COVERT narcissism. I know there are people here who can describe their experiences with someone who, for all intents and purposes, appeared humble and shy.

Thanks for posting about Paul Wink's article. Don't worry about reading something that goes right over your head. I keep stilts by my computer for times like that. 

Big hugs,
CZBZ

[BlueSky]

Thanks for the reply!  I will be looking for more info on covert narcissism. 

My ex was definitely 'shy' and a majority of the time he'd just be quietly in the background.  When I started to date him, he was 28 and I was only the second girlfriend he'd ever had.  His romantic experience was extremely limited.  If his first girlfriend hadn't helped facilitate things, I doubt he and I would have ever started to date!

There were times he could also be quite arrogant.  He was also critical and fairly negative.  Towards the end of the relationship, he lied a lot, and was controlling and verbally abusive.  There were times he would act very loving and generous - but it seemed 'over the top' to me at times.  It also seemed to me that he was lacking in empathy and had a very hard time putting himself in another person's shoes.

He could also get very depressed and down on himself.  He would give up very easily on projects and tasks he had undertaken - it seemed that at times he was upset that they weren't turning out as good as he had hoped.  He once told me that the only way he could feel better was to remind himself of things he'd done that other people hadn't done.  I'd have to say, at first, when he'd be in his depressed mode and obviously feeling bad, it did stir up feelings of pity in me, I felt badly for him and wanted to help him feel better about himself.  He did talk negatively about his girlfriend before me and seemed to put me on a pedestal compared to her.  I know that was something that hooked in current wife as well, only with her, I was the bad guy who'd hurt him.

The arrogance was difficult to be around and there were many people at work that didn't like him.  I heard that in meetings he would cut people off and tell them they were wrong, etc.  He was like that in social situations at times as well.  He was a supervisor of a small group for a time, but eventually decided he wasn't that interested in being a leader and when they eventually broke up his group, he seemed to be relieved to not have to supervise people anymore.  But I do think he liked feeling superior to others and liked having his intelligence acknowledged.  He would very often put me and my work down, and I heard him on numerous occasions put down others.

It seemed obvious to me at the time I was involved with him that he had a difficult time learning from life experiences.  Things that didn't seem all that bad to me would really knock him for a loop.  And many times, it just seemed to me that he didn't learn and grow very much from them.  He'd seem like such a puddle on the floor.  Eventually, he'd find his way back to being his usual 'superior' self.

So, it seems to me he had some of the overt narcissist traits some of the time.  But much of the time, he was quiet and shy.

I've read some of Sam Vaknin's work.  Some of it made sense.  I will have to go and review 'inverted' narcissism again.

Thanks again!!

[CZBZ]

Dear Bluesky,

Many of the things you've written are indicative of pathological narcissism. When the narcissist 'fails' at maintaining his illusions of power and control over others, he-or-she might degrade to more OVERT narcissism. You'll see a personality change at that point including increased grandiosity, selfishness, and arrogance. This is theoretically, a Defensive Posture that protects their IMAGE to themselves. Plus, normal people frequently 'back down' when someone appears to be Confident, Competent and a Leader. (albeit an arse-of-a-leader). So the Grandiosity and Arrogance can serve to reinforce their sense of superiority over others because people are hesitant to 'take them on'. Narcissists can be nasty enemies in the office-place and people are reluctant to do anything that threatens their status at work. Narcissists will do almost anything if they can get away with it: even discrediting coworkers reputation. A short-term fix for the flagging narcissistic ego, is to subordinate others or make them afraid to confront the N.

Shy/Covert narcissists are especially sensitive to criticism. Even a benign comment will appear to be a threat to the narcissist's inflated self-esteem and he-or-she will not only take it personally, they will seek revenge. What's especially horrible about this is that the only thing that matters to the narcissist is their PERCEPTION of insult or threat. Even if other people tell them that the person's comment was not intentionally cruel or critical, the N's perception rules. They cannot be convinced otherwise...because you see, ANGER and HATRED makes them feel so powerful. It's another way to prop up a deflated ego and they use it when they are 'depressed' or feeling 'low'.

Of course, the added benefit for the Covert Narcissist is that his-or-her closest friends/lovers will offer them the benefit of the doubt because WE remember the good guy, the shy guy, the guy who would give anyone the shirt off their backs (even if the only 'audience' is themselves. They are the only person they care about impressing really...LOL). The point of any sacrifice for a covert narcissist, is so THEY can feel GREAT about their HUMILITY and GENEROSITY. It's always about how they 'perceive THEMSELVES. Always.

Another characteristic I have noticed is that covert narcissists are content to be in second-place with someone they perceive to be competent, powerful, talented, etc. They enmesh themselves with this person and yet, strive to control that person to get what THEY want and need. You can see how this works, right? The narcissist pulls the levers behind the curtain and the CEO reacts. then, when people criticize teh CEO, the narcissist is abdicated from responsibility and looks like a Nice Guy by comparison. The covert narcissist does not like to get his-or-her hands dirty and cannot tolerate the criticism any leader receives from others. I tend to also believe that covert narcissists are closet sadists and actually enjoy watching the CEO (or spouse, etc.) be attacked by others. Then the narcissist can take vicarious pleasure in witnessing other people Cut the Powerful CEO/spouse 'down to size' and at the same time, sympathize with and bond with the CEO/spouse. Other people's pain is attractive to covert narcissists.

"Towards the end of the relationship, he lied a lot, and was controlling and verbally abusive. 
There were times he would act very loving and generous - but it seemed 'over the top' to me at times." ~Bluesky

He probably goes 'over the top' because it makes him feel so good about himself to keep flappin' his lips and apologizing. His acts of generosity and loving behavior are intended to PROP up his sagging ego and tell himself that he really is such a NICE GUY. This sooths the guilt of the covert narcissist who cannot claim his selfish, self-centered, nasty behavior. He is apologizing for TWO reasons:

          1-to manipulate the injured person so they do not leave and to garner sympathy (O YUMMY!) from the person he-or-she INJURED! What a sweet gift that must be to bop someone over the head and then get them to feel sorry for the person who hurt them!

          2-to restore his good feelings FOR himself

One more sign that ought be paid attention to in the future: If other people describe a partner as arrogant and prideful, Believe them. Once we're hooked by the narcissist and all our hopes and dreams are attached to maintaining the relationship, we ignore contradictory information letting us know the N is NOT who we want to believe they are. I also believe that when other people have over-the-top reactions to someone, it's a sign that we are in a narcissistic relationship. People tend to love or hate the narcissist, no in-between like we experience with most people. For the person who is already 'IN' the relationship, our normal psychological filters prevent us from seeing what we don't want to see. Many people have written that while they saw the N as being wounded and suffering and requiring sympathy from them, other people said the N was boastful, arrogant and controlling.

Always be cautious with the idea that Inside Every Narcissist is a Wounded Child.

NO

Inside Every Narcissist is a MEAN PERSON. Period.

Covert narcissists are much more dangerous than overt narcissist. At least we can spot the arrogant Donald Trump and base our choices on 'what we see' because what we get with an overt narcissist is what we saw. The covert narcissist is crazy-making because their split personality is NOT integrated. They are just as mean, detached, uncommitted, selfish, cruel and heartless as the Overt N; BUT, they maintain a shy, humble, second-in-command IMAGE because they refuse to OWN their anti-social behavior. They take on a pro-social attitude and demeanor and yet, what we GET is not what we SAW.

In my opinion, covert narcissism IS the problem. It is what impacts partners and children the most negatively because we cannot BELIEVE our own perceptions and we're susceptible to being manipulated when the clever humble narcissist begs for our sympathy. The worst cruelty of all is that we become angry with ourselves for 'falling for their ruse one more time." We have the difficult process of forgiving ourselves for NOT ending the relationship when we should have.

Hugs,
CZ

[Julia]

hy/Covert narcissists are especially sensitive to criticism. Even a benign comment will appear to be a threat to the narcissist's inflated self-esteem and he-or-she will not only take it personally, they will seek revenge. What's especially horrible about this is that the only thing that matters to the narcissist is their PERCEPTION of insult or threat.

Yes!!!!!, NH would hear insults even when I was trying to have an open-minded conversation about some issue. He would put words in my mouth, and say I was "calling him an A$$&*". This occasionally happened EVEN  when I was trying to be supportive, or trying to compliment him... This did break through my enormous DENIAL, since it was, of course, completely CRAZY!! Unfortunately I would never hold him to it, or put together the pieces of his behavior.... and went back into denial. 

Bluesky,

 I am reading The Wizard of OZ and other Narcissists. I would recommend it for anyone who is trying to understand the basic relationship dynamics between Ns and their victims. It especially talks about covert vs overt Ns and gives lots of examples of Ns on the scale from N traits to people with full Nism. I do have some warnings though. This is not a good book for people who have been with extremely malignant Ns (criminal types, extreme manipulators) however, because she barely discusses these types except to say they are dangerously hopeless cases.  The book can be triggering if you are still hoping for a happy ending with your N, because she talks about how those with N-traits (not full-blown Nism) can change. SHe  does say, repeatedly, that only N-trait people can change their behavior (and not full-blown Ns or especially Malignant Ns). Still, it can be very triggering to read about any change in an N because it ties in so well with our denial, our hopes throughout the marriage, our care-taking natures, etc....

Bluesky, from what you say, our exs are similar... mine also dated very late, and is very socially awkward. He gets friends who either admire his intellect or his seeming humility, but he betrays them and looses them due to his arrogance, and lack of real connection. I am concerned that now that my NH is having his second MLC in 3 years, he will not get the same amount of support and forgiveness at work... (support that helped him not lose his job last time). I think he has eroded his relationships with people who had so much pity and support for him previously.

What jumped out at me in your post is your Ns barrage of confusing emails... positive and negative.... WOW. That is so N!!  The Wizard of OZ book talks about  specific N tactics and double messages are definitely on the list!

Have you done any research on boundaries yet? I would highly recommend it. That is what finally got me on the path to real healing. THe first step is to understand Nism, to break through the denial and see the behaviors of the N as damaging. The next thing I needed to do was actually start to take back my own reality. Boundaries helped me do that. Well, that and venting on this site and getting feedback from others who had similar experiences.

Julia

[BlueSky]

That is a lot to think about.  Thanks so much.  It does fit in with the feeling I'd had that I had been with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  The good/bad sides were so dissimilar and so very scary.  I did figure out that some of his behavior was to prop up his self-image.  But it was still hard to really understand it all.

I wanted to clarify something I wrote.  The 'over-the-top' loving gestures and generosity were at the beginning of the relationship.  By the time he got to be controlling and abusive, he wasn't acting very nice to make up for the bad behavior.  He was actually isolating himself and I saw very little of him.  Does that sound weird? 

At the time, I was taking care of our baby.  I am sure he resented it very much that the baby was taking up so much of my time and attention.  This was when he'd go to work before we got up for the day.  We'd see him a little after work, then he'd spend most of the evening surfing the internet.  If we didn't make an effort to go and try to be with him, we wouldn't see him the entire evening.  He'd sneak off to bed without saying good-night.  And yes, I have a hard time forgiving myself for not leaving at that point and for putting up with his behavior.  I guess one reason I stuck it out is that occasionally he'd spend time with us during the week and he'd spend time with us on weekends.  Then he seemed to enjoy 'acting' like a happy family.  And it did feel like an act to me a great deal of the time.  I kept hoping he'd 'come around'.  I was hoping it was just that he was having a difficult time adjusting to being a parent and it would get better.  I had given up my career to be a stay-at-home mom, and for awhile, I was too scared to try to make it on my own as I knew I could not get back into my old career.

I was definitely hooked into thinking there was a wounded child inside.  When he finally did start to talk about his childhood, it was obvious he had been hurt by his parents' inattention and an older sibling's physical agression.  I thought I should be supportive of him while he worked on things in counseling....he only went to counseling for a short time and then declared he had no issues to work on and he was fine.  Of course, he did make a point of telling me that I had problems!  I was being blamed for the marriage falling apart, though deep down, I knew it wasn't just me and that he was being incredibly unrealistic about what he wanted out of marriage.  By that time, I was definitely seeing a split in him and knew I wasn't imagining it and I was becoming less and less inclined to delude myself any longer.

There is so much hurt in the past.  I know I have made some progress in working through it, but know there is still more to deal with.  I think it is helpful to have an understanding of covert narcissism as I continue to work on things - because before I knew about narcissism, I was so confused and couldn't understand why a person would act the way my ex did.  The last year, I was so scared of him, I can't believe I stayed as long as I did.  Looking back, I should have ended it after the first few months of dating!!   

When I look back, I can see times where I had great doubts about the relationship, and I'd rationalize things, minimize things, etc. and stay.  In the beginning, he was overly loving.  In the middle, it was the 'you're a terrible person and you make me so unhappy but I'll never find anyone else so I don't want you to leave'.  The end was him wrapped up in his internet/porn addiction and some truly scary behavior in addition to the controlling, abusive stuff.  I feel so lucky to have gotten out and that I didn't spend more time in there than I did. 

The scariest thing was realizing that he was basically a black hole.  Just who was really in there?  I didn't want to find out.  As far as I could tell, it was just a huge hole of pain, emptiness and need that could never be made whole.  I called him 'the hollow man'.

I hope I don't creep people out too much with that description.  But that is what it seemed like to me.

Thanks again CZBZ - I so appreciate your insight!

Julia - thanks for the info on the book.  I may check it out.  I do not expect any kind of happy ending with ex.  I don't think he's capable of change.  I hope that he just stays away and continues to be wrapped up in his new life with his new wife!

I have been in a lot of therapy both group and individual and have been working on boundaries.  It has been helpful.  I have researched addictions, codependency, and verbal and emotional abuse.  The info helped me piece things together, but there were still things missing.  I think learning about covert narcissism will supply more missing pieces, though I think I may never have all the answers.  That's OK.  As long as I get a good understanding and learn how to deal with N's in case ex does try to come back and cause trouble, I will feel OK.

[skater]

Hi there - I'm new here, just registered, and I can't tell you how happy I am to read what you have all written in this thread! Bluesky we sound like we were married to the same guy. Mine worked nights as a chef so he had an excuse not to be seen. He called himself a ghost in his own house, but he never made any effort to change that to see our kids from Tuesday thru Saturday. I doubted my instincts about him for so long because there were time when he could be so incredibly nice, plus he was totally passive. That is until the rages or depression hit and then look out, then it was full attack mode. I finally left him in June this year after a huge blow out - I don't even want to call it a fight because that would suggest I had anything to do or say in the matter - it was just him freaking out. I had expressed my desire to go back to school a week prior but he brushed it off, saying we couldn't afford it. This is a reaction I expected - him to be unsupportive - because its not the first time I said I wanted to return to school, nor the first time he had excuses for me not to. He ended up reading an email I wrote to a friend about how I was upset at his lack of support. He waited a week before finally losing it but this is what the freak out was about. He got good and drunk and then threw wine on the  floor, emptied the fridge contents out on the floor smashing stuff and then went to the basement and put holes in the wall and broke some of the kids toys. Thankfully my son was out of town on a school trip at the time because he would have woke up during the mayhem - my daughter slept thru the whole thing even as I put her in the car and took her to my parents. When obvious stuff like that happens I can see clearly he is sick but the other times its harder to see and name. He is totally a covert narcissist. We own a business together and I know the staff would be blown away to discover what he is really like. Most people would because he can be so fun and kind. As the years have gone on he became less fun and the bad times outweighed the good. I clung to that guy I met 17 years ago who I laughed a lot with. I hoped he would return. The depressing part is what CSBZ wrote about:

In my opinion, covert narcissism IS the problem. It is what impacts partners and children the most negatively because we cannot BELIEVE our own perceptions and we're susceptible to being manipulated when the clever humble narcissist begs for our sympathy. The worst cruelty of all is that we become angry with ourselves for 'falling for their ruse one more time." We have the difficult process of forgiving ourselves for NOT ending the relationship when we should have.

I am mad at myself for not seeing all the signs earlier. If I really look I can recognize difficulty two months in when we were supposed to go out and he showed up and said he couldn't. He acted all upset and depressed but didn't say why he felt that way, he was incredibly vague. Then he left and didn't call me for a few days. I should have just let him go then. This pattern would repeat itself many times in our marriage and he once went seven weeks without talking to me. When I was punished like that it was never because of something I did. The seven week shut down happened after he got drunk and was incredibly mean to me and I yelled at him. He could twist it so that I would end up doing all the work to get back in his good graces. The few times I tried his treatment of not talking (because why should I if it wasn't my fault) it was incredibly painful for me - its just not who I am. The strange part is -and I'm curious if any of you also experienced this- he NEVER begged for sympathy or forgiveness. i can recall ONE time in our whole relationship where he really made an effort to make sure I forgave him (before we were married) other than that he just doesn't apologize. He thinks if he felt something he is justified in his anger (like the email to my friend - he said he felt 'betrayed' by it). Last year on our anniversary he showed up late and drunk (another issue I have with him!) and when I got mad at him he called me a c*nt. We were in marriage counselling at the time and when I brought it up a month later, and told him how I was still hurt that he had not apologized, the therapist asked him to apologize to me and told him how important it was. We sat there for what felt like 10 minutes waiting for him to say sorry but instead he said "What about me?" Unbelievable. And I stayed another year.

Anyway, I'm going on here but suffices to say I finally got his number and left him for good. I even had hope until a few months ago that he would change but reading up on narcissism has convinced me its best to cut my losses and thank God I finally figured him out.