The hate is gone, the love is gone:
the wondering about him is gone
by
HummingbirdFreed
Life is getting pretty good. I am almost feeling like a "normal" person. The constant panic and anxiety has decreased tremendously. I'm not feeling that black cloud over my head, wondering when the N is going to strike next. I can go to the post office for the mail with out hyperventilating, terrified he might have sent another letter. I don't keep looking over my shoulder anywhere I go, feeling his presence even if he is not around.
I remember after leaving him, driving a crappy car, coming home at night from work in the winter on dark, desolate back roads. The terror was horrible! I was convinced that every car I saw was there to run me off the road. My mind was convinced I was going to die. I felt unsettled and alien in this house (still do but now I view it as a temporary home in a healthy way). The feelings and emotions were overwhelming!
It took every ounce of my strength just to get up and go to work.
And that was another issue! I was so easily triggered by the slightest thing. I would over react. Some of the things done to me at work by the salon manager were deliberate and done with a smile on her face and maybe it is good that I was so raw 'cuz I fought. Maybe I over fought but I won anyways.
I am still healing. I have been too busy to notice it for the past summer but recently when I was thinking about the N, I realized that I seldom think of him anymore. He does not rule my thoughts and reactions anymore. My thoughts are my own, not what he told me to think. My reactions are MY reactions and guess what? They are ok! I do have a brain and I can make decisions and I can survive without him! Never, ever, in a million years, would I have believed that.
When I think of the N, I don't have many emotions anymore. The hate is gone, the love is gone, the wondering about him is gone. Some times I get curious but it is not all consuming. I still wish him ill will but he will take care of that himself.
I don't care about all the things I lost.
I don't care about our house he kept and all the stuff he kept.
Sometimes, it almost feels like it never happened. He is a non-person to me now.
So, to bring you up to date:
I spent most of the summer working 10 hour days with a 2 hour a day commute and it has paid off. I will soon be the salon manager! There are a few wonderful people at my job that have stood behind me and encouraged me. I have been so amazed they had such faith in me. They don't even know the details of what I went through but they saw something in me and liked me! I am a person again! They don't have an ulterior motive! I have to say, I have trusted NO ONE for a long time now. I could not form a friendship. Little by little I am opening myself up. I still have a ways to go on that one but it is getting better every day. My job is going to be even better now and I will be making decent money and grooming fewer dogs.
Life is falling into place.
I had no idea it took so much time to heal. It happens in baby steps and most of the time we are unaware of it. We can see it in retrospect.
You can't make it happen, you can't rush it, it just is what it is.
One day at a time and alot of faith.
I want to tell everyone that healing is like going through a tunnel of fire and not feeling there is an end. But there is. You will get out of the fire and then the healing begins. Healing is a long process and I have to wonder if it ever ends but it gets better as time goes on.
I am a changed person.
I am alot more suspicious of people's motives when they are nice to me, I still distrust, I'm aware there are alot of people in this world that have personality disorders, I am VERY CAUTIOUS! But I am starting - just starting- to enjoy life again. Going to fairs, yard sales, talking to neighbors, etc. Opening up a little. Not hiding in the house all the time but it is my refuge when I need it.
I know I wrote a book here...sorry! But I just had to update you all and pass along some hope to those that are still stuck in the N horror.
Next month will be 2 yrs away from the N and I plan to celebrate!
Love too all,
Freed
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