Competitiveness as a risk factor

[Phoenixxx]

Her Competitiveness

A woman who is extraverted tends to be very competitive.  Without this competitive and strong spirit, who could even *withstand* a psychopath's strong dominant demeanor?  Her competitiveness enjoys a head-to-head with someone equally as passionate or headstrong as she is.  Non-pathological men have likely felt "passive" or "wimpy" to her.  She doesnt mind a good opinionated discussion (at least before he became verbally degrading every time she tried to talk).  Her competitiveness is likely to have made her a leader in school, in hobbies, in her business and career.  She's used to being strong, decisive, and proactive which is all the more reason why she's confused about what happened to that part of herself as she was "swallowed up" by the psychopath.  She remembers those strong traits in herself before she lost herself in him.

Competitiveness as a risk factor -

As wonderful as competitiveness is in regular life, her competitiveness however, is a downfall in the relationship with the psychopath.  This is because as the relationship begins to become pathologically-driven and his crazy-making increases, instead
of running for the hills she is likely to stay and battle it out.  She's not afraid to try and make a point and certainly doesnt want him to "get one over on her".  Her ability to withstand and go head-to-head with a psychopath, "to not take his crap" is dangerous to her mental health.  She would rather stay and fight than flee.  Her competitiveness is likely to have kept her in the relationship *longer* than if she were less competitive.  While competitiveness in business or sports is a bonus trait to have, in relationships with psychopaths it is a handicap not a bonus.  Competitiveness keeps her in the ring being battered about by pathology, and mad that she cant continue to hold her own with someone so deviant.

Women get significantly damaged by staying and thinking they can "outsmart him" or "give it to him" before they exit.  Their normal personality structure and psychology are no match for an abnormally personality disordered psychopath.  He doesnt get hurt by competitiveness, but they will undoubtedly get hurt by exposure to more psychopathic abuse.  So to this end, competitiveness is a risk factor in these relationships.

- Sandra Brown M.D. "Women Who Love Psychopaths"


(describes me, and him, and what was going on between us to a "T")   

[CZBZ]

Hi Phoenixxx!

Competitiveness? Well, the X and I met in Zoology class at University and studied for exams together. He got an A- and I got an A. Does that say anything about healthy competition between two people? competition only becomes an issue when people's Worth and Value hinges on winning...I used to enjoy a good competition now and then though I had to grow up a little bit to appreciate losing because nobody wins all the time.

One thing I noticed is that I began hating competition, even board games. I resisted competition to an unhealthy degree and perhaps that is also a result of the pathological relationship? It has taken a few years for me to even care about competition again...such as an art exhibit where heaven's knows, you're setting yourself up for direct criticism and failure if the goal is 'winning'.

I used to participate in debate (way back in high school when my narcissism was at an all-time high), led social groups both in education and community, and also directed a theater presentation or two. So when the X and I got into long debates over a variety of topics  , it didn't necessarily frighten me. But, those debates did change me.

How about yourself? Did you notice your attitude changing because of your X's reactions to losing or winning? (nobody likes being lorded over when they lose a hand of cards, right?)

Had I been more fearful of an aggressive argument (NOT physical battering), perhaps I'd have run the other direction much earlier. I still, even today, appreciate a healthy differing of opinions. If someone has a strong opinion different from my own, it usually broadens my mind---it certainly does NOT impact the way I feel towards them as a friend (or lover). But competition to me, was not necessarily about winning. This of course, is an attitude that grew up with me as I matured.

As far as 'outsmarting him' or 'giving it to him before leaving'? The thought never even occurred to me. Maybe I figured out early on that at some point, I'd stop myself...I dunno. It's an interesting idea to think about.

Hugs,
CZ