My X is marrying his Sex Slave
From: thirdhandfreind (Original Message) Sent: 4/16/2007 9:14 AM I haven't posted in a couple of years but I have known CZ for about four years. I just wanted to tell her that I got a letter from my x who is like her x. He's a narcissist but also a sex addict and sadistic to boot. He has continued to try to be sadistic to me but as I haven't responded, he has moved onto his son. Plus he has told his family that it is all my fault that his son wants nothing to do with him as he pulled one to many "tirades" on my son. Of course that is due to the fact that my son didn't play the attention game with him at the Christmas Eve family dinner two years ago. Enough.
The new game was to send our son a letter that he is getting remarried and that his grandparents have cut my son out of their will. He was going to write me with the new phone number and address. How dramatic. Two letters.
I did get a letter recently that he would be getting remarried by *** and sent me the new address and phone number as of this date. He had been dating a woman with three kids and I felt so bad that our son had been replaced as I had. But I couldn't believe that my xhN would marry a woman with three kids. Hell, he couldn't bond with his own son from infancy so there is no way he would want to share attention with three kids. As CZ knows, my xH is into BDSM, big time. This submissive woman was just a diversion for his family.
I did a quick reverse look-up of the phone number he sent me on the Internet. Up came the ***** area. I was shocked. I clearly remember that as I had gotten his cell phone bills from 1999, when I felt he was having an affair. Sure enough, he is either going to live with or marry his first sex slave. I can't stop laughing. He is so into his sex addiction now that he is giving up his own living quarters and moving in with her full time. She had called me a few years ago, drunk and drugged out of her mind, complaining that I was hang-up on her and bothering her family. I now know that she had been dropped and this was her way of getting him to contact her again. This call came in at 4AM and at 4:06 AM I was on the phone to him to tell him to leave me out of his crazy life.
He admitted the next day that this was (name withheld). This is the woman who had signed his master-slave contracts which ended up getting me a good divorce decree by my female judge.
My sister, a psychic nurse, says that he is going down to his own sickness level. I really don't care except to laugh my butt off. Really, she should be careful what she wished for because now she has it. And in my opinion, it couldn't happen to a nicer woman. All they do know about each other is that they are both cheats. No wonder my x never wrote when he was getting married or to whom.
I have written him a letter congratulating him on his relationship with his first sex slave. That way, he will be angry at me again and leave his son alone. Plus, he will get all the drama he needs from this woman. I will be free at least. I haven't had any hang-up phone calls (I got them for years) since I gave him his attention fix this past Jan. He was desperate for me to contact him so he withheld the child support checks. I guess he must have broke up with the second Ellen who had three kids, all below the age of 17 and wanted some attention, so he pulled financial crap on me. And being disabled at present, that is the way to get my attention.
So CZ, my xN has sunken lower. Who even knew that was possible? I don't think of him now days, unless he starts his sadism on our son. I am not that delusional that I think he won't bug me again, given time but I am going to enjoy being able to sleep in on a Saturday, without the hang-up phone calls waking me up.
I am considering a house warming gift. It could be hooks for the ceiling for ease of tieing her up or a whip. They both could take turns using that. I would send an enema kit (that was one of his highest ratings on his sex survey) but I am not sure if she is into that too. After all, this should be a gift for the both of them. LOL.
Thanks so much for this site. I got it on my email and just happened to open it today. One of the messages was about the "other woman" contacting you. I do believe, given time, that I will get contacted again by the ow#1 ( I have had to number them as sex addicts because there are a lot of them). Oops, I mean his wife, if he is that stupid to marry a sex slave.
A big hug,
Ann
From: _CZ Sent: 4/16/2007 9:56 AM Dear Ann,
How many years have you been wading through his bullshite?? You're probably on your tenth set of rubber knickers just trying to protect yourself from his knee-deep and never-ending slime.
So his parents are sticking up for the poor little N and have now cut their own grandson out of their will?? I cannot believe people's loyalty supporting a narcissist who triggers their inner little helpers. ha...I know a lot about Inner Little Helpers since I was always trying to protect & help those poor widdle narcissists. (Proving our love to them maybe!) How Do they get us to do that For Them?
It sounds like he is disintegrating, Ann...Kinda like The Fly. You are a smart woman to have gotten out when it was time to get out instead of sticking around HOPING against hope, that he would pull himself back together. After everything he has done and is doing, he is not going to marry a mentally sound woman if you know what I mean.
"I have written him a letter congratulating him on his relationship with his first sex slave.
That way, he will be angry at me again and leave his son alone."
Have you found that by giving him negative attention (in essence: beating him up), that his need to be beaten up is satiated, albeit temporarily and thus, he has no need to seek attention from his son? Is it really this simple, Ann? And if you are engaging with him instead of ignoring him as we usually suggest people do in order to end the drama and chaos, is it actually better for your son?? I'm curious about this if you have time to write back.
Love,
CZ
From: thirdhandfreind Sent: 4/16/2007 11:37 AM Hi CZ,
Well I had written you a response and sneezed and lost it. So here I go again.
I have learned that if I igore HRH, the jerk N, the chaos and his anger grow. The hang-up phone calls intensify and his desperation for attention goes up. I did ignore him for a year and a half and he didn't move on.
Sometimes with a dangerous N, you have to give the attention they need, to be left in peace. My son felt that after the last Christmas with his dad (two years ago), that his dad was so enraged, that he was ignored, that he was going to kill both of them in the car by driving it off the road. My son came in the door shaking.
Than I put the for sale sign on my lawn at Easter time last year and the cement statue was broken in the yard. My real estate agent pointed out foot prints in the smashed bushes and I knew from the size of the foot print that it was my x. He was enraged that our son and myself were moving out of his sphere of influence. He wouldn't be able to have his secret sex life in **** and run up for holidays, pick up our son to take him to his family events. He couldn't play the perfect dad for his parents.
His family didn't say one word to him about him sexually acting out in front of them. Yes, they welcomed the GF (the old GF) and her three kids with opened arms and just ignored their own grandson. My x made out with this woman in front of every one and it had to be pretty bad for our son's older cousins to take pity on him and take them out to their friends. My son had a wonderful time with his cousins and came back and asked to come home to me. He wanted to check on me as I had back surgery the day before. I know my x was enraged that his plan to act like the perfect blended family didn't work out. And he took it out on our son. His image had been attacked.
Anyway, this past Christmas was the first time, since our breakup, that our son wasn't there. I don't think it went well with the x, his GF, who is Jewish and his Catholic parents. Perhaps it dawned on them that their grandson was really gone and they had to act out and blamed the x. I had our son send his grandparents a nice Christmas card and they sent back a card with a letter full of hate. I was to blame for everything and my son shouldn't listen to a word I said. Where they got this is beyond me. I leave these people alone. Enablers, well look it up in the dictionary and their picture would be there.
I have found that since my x has to pay for his part of our son's college, it is better to give him his attention fix, at least a little. He sent both of us letter about his impending marriage. He was desperate for an attention fix and with the QDRO still not done, I am going to give him a little. In time, with the new wife or old sex slave, he will turn on her and in his mind, she will become the obsession and the hate of his mother he put on me. I have found, in my case, that ignoring him just doesn't work. After our son's college is over, than I can totally ignore him and push him to move on. But in the meantime, I watched NCIS and obsession was explained. First there is attraction, than obsession then finally the destruction phase. I have been in and out of the destruction phase and I don't want my son to face that again.
I know my x had dropped this druggie-drunk and got another sex slave. But he is so bad now, that most likely he went back to her because this is the only woman who he feels comfortable with and who would have him. The last I saw him, that last Christmas eve over a year ago, he looked like Santa Claus. His hair, what little is left, was all white and he was nice and big. I was shocked on how old he looked.
I have been laughing all day. So there is some justice in the world, after all. The first sex slave can now sit and wonder who he is calling. She can now wonder who he is with. Once a cheat, always a cheat because he is a sex addict. She got what she wished for.
How very insightful of you to say that he actually enjoys being beat up. He is the master and his sex survey pointed out that he didn't like switching behavoirs. But deep inside, since I think he was sexually abused as a teenager, perhaps he feels he should be beat up. I watched Joyce Myers today and she talked about how controlling and demanding she became of her childhood abuse. I found that fascinating.
I was constantly told I was controlling and I was stunned as this man came and went as he pleased. That is how he could fool around. And my xN was very demanding. I had been told in counseling that his mother was the real control freak (now that one is sure true) and he had made me his mom in his mind and that is why he couldn't have sex with me anymore. He was a freak but he wasn't into incest.
I just wanted you to know that my x went back to the first ow and sex slave and how stuck he really is. Very amusing to me.
A big hug,
Ann
From: flower Sent: 4/17/2007 10:51 AM Dear Ann,
I just happened to go to this public website of WON on a slow day at work and I am glad I did. You see, Ann, I became acquainted with a maN who claimed he was a Master as well. It didn't take me long to research that topic and discovered all those claims to nirvana were bogus. With all that research, I was inspired to write the article, "Power Masters."
Allow me to say that this submissive soulmate of your ex's is just as delusional as him due to either being narcissistic, other mental health issues or severely brainwashed.
Thank God you are out of his web. It only gets worst, although publically they may claim how happy they are.
I will respond more in depth later, as I have to get going here.
Welcome
And a big hug to you as well.
Flower
From: flower Sent: 4/18/2007 6:41 PM Ann,
Continuing on here:
The maN I became acquainted with did not inform me about his deviant interest known as BDSM until he knew that I was becoming emotionally attached to him. Knowing this, he thought it wouild be much more difficult to say, "No," to what he wanted.
While listening in almost near shock to him talking about handcuffs, chains and flogging, I couldn't mutter a word. For a short time, I had thought I probably was not sophisticated enough to understand it. Well, for some reason, logic told hold of me and I proceeded to research every aspect of BDSM and the psychology behind it.
What I discovered wasn't pretty and for the most part, meN involved in this type of practice are mostly misogynists, narcissists and often schizophrenic. For the most part women who deeply crave this are often maschosists and have had a history of sexual abuse and can be borderline.
Frequently, though, women are coerced into this by their husbands or boyfriends cause they do not want to displease them or in more severe rituals of BDSM, they can be brainwashed into this by intermittent abuse.
You wrote: "Sometimes with a dangerous N, you have to give the attention they need, to be left in peace."
And sometimes that always doesn't work. Depending upon the N, a N will plot his next piece of revenge. Have you thought of a restraining order? For a reason not really clear to me that, "Master" maN has kept away from me. It could be that I have no more benefit for him cause I did not readily beg him to stay, nor did I obey his depraved desires, nor did I entice him financially or show him any emotion after he threatened me. Maybe he is getting satisfaction out of making you miserable? If you show zilch emotion, he may just slither away.
Your post again: "I had been told in counseling that his mother was the real control freak (now that one is sure true) and he had made me his mom in his mind and that is why he couldn't have sex with me anymore. He was a freak but he wasn't into incest. "
Your counselor got that right! These guys place women into two categories: w***es and madonnas. Often after getting married or their wife has a child, they can no longer have sex with their wife. Or if they are having sex with their g/f and there is this fear of intimacy, so they abandon again and seek sex elsewhere. In other words, they have big time issues with women and often in their BDSM sexual practices, they are getting even with their mother.
When you wrote: "His hair, what little is left, was all white and he was nice and big. I was shocked on how old he looked."
That, Ann, is karma in progress. When they are younger, they have more of a picking of wounded women, who have a higher tolerance or even craving for that type of practice. With age, most of the women who have gotten t into severe BDSM with its physical strain are either dead or recovering from the abuse. Years of alcohol, drug and physical abuse take their toll on people who are heavily into that scene. Yes, he doesn't have the women to chose from anymore, LOL!
Yes, he is stuck---karma again. He is stuck with looking old and his idealistic dream of the perfect sex slave. He will die a bitter old man, never really being happy or know what life is really about.
Hugs, Flower
From: _CZ Sent: 4/19/2007 10:19 AM Dear Ann,
It's so good to be writing to you on a forum again. ha! We started out like two lost souls trying to understand something that was not understandable: How two grown men like your spouse and mine, could not love us back. ha! (We are soooooo loveable after all! )
After four or five years of educating myself about NPD, DNPs and anything N-ish, I can see why the X would "fall in and OUT of love" with me. His needs never changed over years of marriage but mine sure did. What also changed was my attitude about his expectations of me AND his responsibilities in his role as a husband and father. Course, my maturation was unconscious at the time but there's no doubt in my mind that he knew me better than I knew myself. At some point, he had to go elsewhere to build up his inflated ego 'cuz I was kinda like coming home to an ego-buster. LOLLOL...that line makes me laugh out loud since so many guys complain about the ball-buster at home. Well, I didn't bust balls but I sure busted his fat head. I don't figure you for some kind of wimpish wall-flower either, Ann.
I don't know if you have time to write a few messages on this board, but what you know about Narcissism and sexual perversions could help a lot of people who read but don't post. Maybe you don't think so but you are a wealth of information yourself since there's no teacher on this planet quite as wise as 'experience.' We've known each other from the very beginning when it first dawned on us that our spouses saw us as their MOTHERS! I didn't understand what that meant at the time because to me, he was having a Midlife Crisis and narcissism was a passing phase he'd eventually get through. Au Contraire. Narcissism is his best weapon against reality but I couldn't know that at the time.
My X has not married the OW as far as I know and they seem to be getting along great together. Well, not what I would call 'great' were it my relationship; but for the two of them, it's a match-made-in-heaven. They are both the kind of New-Old-Agers who believe people come into their lives for a reason and they can ask the universe for whatever they want and it magically appears. I don't put much stock in that kind of thinking and don't believe that what the Genie-in-the-sky gave them is actually a reward. The last thing most human beings need is to get what they want. hahahaha Guess we're gettin' wise over the years, eh Ann??
But Ann---This is where you are SMART:
"I have learned that if I igore HRH, the jerk N, the chaos and his anger grow. The hang-up phone calls intensify and his desperation for attention goes up. I did ignore him for a year and a half and he didn't move on...Sometimes with a dangerous N, you have to give the attention they need, to be left in peace." The only way to accomplish this is to WORK ON OURSELVES. To know OUR triggers. To stop ourselves from reacting or escalating the conflict. We must learn what sets us off, what sets off the N, and how to avoid blowing up the situation and making things worse than they need to be. Especially when we have children who are caught in the middle of dueling parents and need us to be grown-ups. We must take charge of our behavior since there's nothing we can do about anybody else's.
If you know what sets off your X, then figuring out a way to stop fueling his anger is the right thing to do. It takes smarts and it takes guts and it takes hard work managing our emotions, doesn't it??? I can only imagine how it must feel knowing what you know about your X and still keeping it to yourself. I'd wanna take a few potshots but then? Then that would have a terrible impact on the child---so bravo to you for figuring out how to deal with your X. You are one smart cookie.....
I looked up one of our earliest message threads that is no longer on the net. I'm glad I kept it 'cuz it brought up so many memories about the confusion AND the fear we faced in the beginning of our
Devalue & Discard. Wow...sometimes we forget how much we've learned and changed over time. But I'll say one thing: We Were Hilarious! I'm so glad you've stayed in touch, Ann!!
Much love to you,
CZ
From: _CZ Sent: 4/19/2007 10:43 AM "...Frequently, though, women are cohereced into this by their husbands or boyfriends cause they do not want to displease them or in more severe rtiuals of BDSM, they can be brainwashed into this by intermittent abuse..." ~Flower
You know Flower---this is a more common experience than most people would ever realize! Over the years, I've encountered numerous women who have submitted themselves to their husbands and boyfriends trying in earnest to WiN their favor by degrading themselves. Because we are, for the most part, ignorant-as-hell about BDSM, we can be easily manipulated into thinking we are unsophisticated (as you write) OR frigid prudes who don't know how to trust our partner. Unfortunately, most women yielding to their partNer's demands for exotic sex get dumped anyway; but only after he has eroded what smidgeon of self-esteem she may have left after his 'rejection threats'.
We are so vulnerable to their ulterior motives, aren't we? Most of us go through life never expecting to meet someone who can callously and ruthlessly misuse our trusting natures to their advantage. If we don't know people like this exist, we will be manipulated even more easily and it's my sense that EVERYONE is vulnerable. There is nothing particularly special about those of us who get targeted...we could be anyone. Knowing we are susceptible to being targeted is key to protecting ourselves from sexual abuse as adult women. What's so awful about healing afterwards, is that we tend to blame ourselves. The abuse is internalized and not projected externally on the one who orchestrated the entire scenario. My heart goes out to all women who have written or spoken to me about the degrading cycle of sexual abuse they went through in an effort to hold their marriage/relationship together.
I'll never forget a woman I met in person who had divorced her husband of two decades because HE insisted they divorce. She didn't want to end their marriage and was fully invested in doing whatever she could to please him. Of course, she didn't know that she had nothing to do with his desire to escape the marriage---he wanted to leave and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference if she fixed everything that was wrong with her or not. He was already gone by the time she got her shite-list of ToDo's in order to make him happy. Since women are raised to be 'pleasers', we are oftentimes unconscious to the ways we put other people ahead of ourselves and might agree to self-destructive sex simply to Please Them.
Her X had encouraged her to engage in what she considered to be
deviant behavior saying he was infidel only because he was bored with their sex life. Of course, he put full responsibility on her as his sexual partner and she was desperate to accept blame. Was she accepting blame because she was of low self-worth? NO. She was accepting blame because if it was her fault that he was not sexually satisfied enough to keep the marriage together, then she had the power to FIX the problem by changing her behavior. (Please note: with narcissists, WE do all the changing!)
So she agreed to his demands in a desperate attempt to Please him. What happened is that he left anyway but now she was truly humiliated. I do hope that anyone reading this message thread will pay attention to a key word here: HUMILIATION. This is the goal of the sadist and we need to remember that being SHAMED and HUMILIATED is not being humbled, nor is it being loved. It is an act of hatred not only by the N, but turned inward, we then hate ourselves.
Sex does not make or break a marriage. Anyone who says so is aN idiot. You can quote me on that.
Love,
CZ
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