"Failure" is Never Final

[stunned]

I received this commentary this morning and found it to be both comforting & inspiring. 

After one month of NC with my N, he called today re his account (he is a client).  I let the call go to voice mail and addressed his issue but did not make contact with him. 

I must say, his message was unbelievable!  He addressed me as though we were never more than business acquaintances and even used his business name and state to identify himself!  I have made a lot of progress this past 6 weeks, and this call almost set me back:  Then I remembered this commentary, re-read it and knew why I had received this message this morning.      


Failure is Never Final

Yesterday—or any other day—may have been the final day of your divorce, the day you were rejected, or the day you lost or buried a loved one; but as difficult as it seems right now, and as extremely sad as it is, in time it can become a day of new beginnings. Be gentle with yourself but do begin the grieving process as soon as possible so you will be able to resolve your pain. To do this effectively, there are several valuable qualities that will help you to face the future as uncertain as it may seem right now.

1. Have the right attitude. Attitude is what makes the difference between a painful experience becoming a failure or a success. You can allow your experience to leave you timid and afraid to step out again for fear of being hurt, or you can determine that your loss will be your teacher.

True, we need mountaintop experiences from time to time to encourage us, but we don't grow through these. It's in the valley of disappointment that we are given the opportunity to take stock of our life and move toward a greater level of growth and maturity.

2. Know what your purpose in life is. The more clearly defined that purpose is—and the more deeply it is embedded in your conscious and unconscious mind—the less loss will set you back. A spacecraft en route to the moon is off course 90 percent of the time. It is pulled back by the earth's gravity and is continually drawn to one side or the other by additional forces. But it has a built-in computer that has a singleness of purpose that homes in on the moon. The computer is making continual corrections to keep the spacecraft on target with its purpose and goal.

Life is like that. If our eye is on our goal, if we have a singleness of purpose, nothing will stop us getting to where we plan to go.

3. If you failed in a relationship or in some other venture, remember that failure is an event, not a person. Because you failed doesn't mean that you are a failure as a person. Not at all. The only real failure is not to try again, or not to get up one more time than you've fallen down. The important thing is to learn from your past, to use it as an opportunity to grow, and to move ahead to a more fulfilling and richer life.

4. Give God a chance. If you feel like you have failed, or believe you've done wrong, ask God to forgive you—and be sure to forgive yourself. And then, with God's help, turn your failure into a stepping stone toward a better you.

Where a bone is broken and heals, it becomes the strongest part of the bone. The same is true of your broken places—where you have been hurt, have fallen and failed, or are afraid. When you bring these to God for his healing, his strength is made perfect through your weakness.2

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to use every disappointment, loss, and setback that happens to me to help me grow and become a better, more loving, and mature person. And lead me to the help I need to do so. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Psalm 103:13-14 (NIV).
2. Adapted from the chapter: "Failure Is Never Final" in How to Mend a Broken Heart by Dick Innes.

[Julia]

stunned,

I really like this poem. I want to adapt it for my kids, simplify the language and use less dire examples.

I am so glad that you can see through his masks,  his insincerity. He needs to pretend that you are some monster, and he has to talk that way so you wont jump him. Let him. Laugh it off. Any normal guy would sound slightly sad at calling you about business, remembering better times. THis is very very par for the course, trying to write you off completely as if you never existed, were never together.

Julia

[stunned]

I am so glad that you can see through his masks,  his insincerity. He needs to pretend that you are some monster, and he has to talk that way so you wont jump him. Let him. Laugh it off. Any normal guy would sound slightly sad at calling you about business, remembering better times. This is very very par for the course, trying to write you off completely as if you never existed, were never together. Julia

Julia, thank you.  I printed your comment and keep it posted where I can see it daily.  I hadn't thought of it this way, but your words have helped me tremendously!

[eyes_up]

Stunned - What a wonderful and valuable guide. Thanks for sharing. I can say that after breaking the biggest bone in my body, my left femur at the age of 5, my left leg is stronger than my right. Breaks make us stronger if they heal correctly and are given the right amount of time. I was in a body cast for several months traction as well. When healing from the negative relationship w/ a narcissist It felt that body cast.

Peace,

eyes

[CZBZ]

"He addressed me as though we were never more than business acquaintances and even used his business name and state to identify himself! 
I have made a lot of progress this past 6 weeks, and this call almost set me back..." ~stunned

Ouch! The emotional distancing, the indifference, the lack of emotional connection is hard to understand. It can even make us feel crazy ourselves when we're treated like a distant acquaintance or a business partner. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, stunned. How does someone suddenly Cut Off feelings like that? I guess we can be grateful that we aren't able to do that though there are lots of times it would be a relief if we could.

Narcissist's don't grieve the LOSS of an intimate relationship the way other people do. they just get out the scissors and snip any ties they had to that person once they've decided we're no longer useful to them (or we don't adore them enough to make it worth their time putting up with us). Narcissists might show signs of 'grief' but those tears are for THEIR sadness in having to leave someone behind or end a relationship because we didn't perform to their expectations.

You did great not picking up the phone and talking to him...better to feel 'sad' and keep No Contact than to feel sad AFTER making contact. What a lucky thing that you received that email this morning! Thank you for posting the message... 

Hugs,
CZ

[heartbroken]

Yeah, how do they do that?
 As if touching you now seems a chore, something to get over with instead of the loving touch it used to be, well appeared to be anyway! I asked mine what was wrong with him, it's not like I grew a second head! In fact I look better now then I have in years, thanks to the stress I've lost over 40lb, something he sure is glad about but will not even address now!

" Narcissists might show signs of 'grief' but those tears are for THEIR sadness in having to leave someone behind or end a relationship because we didn't perform to their expectations." Wow, that one hit home, I never thought of his tears that way but I feel that is right on now!

I'm with you, CZBZ, I sure wish I could cut of my feelings like that, I think I'd be in a better place by now instead of this pain still, pain even AFTER he agreed to give "this" as he puts it another try! I should be glad but I'm not! I feel worried mostly, sacred, confused, sad.....list is long but you all get the jest of it!
Anyway, yeah keep away from him, you can, you have the strength now, don't let it slip!!!

[eyes_up]

"I should be glad but I'm not! I feel worried mostly, sacred, confused, sad.....list is long but you all get the jest of it!" ~ Heartbroken

Heartbroken, you have good reason to be "worried" if you agreed to let man back into house. Maybe instead of just being worried and scared you might set your words in the direction of changing your mind and letting him walk right out the door as fast as he walked back in.


I recall being worried scared sad, overwhelmed with anxiety and a non stop pain through out my body...stomach hands all the way down to my feet when I allowed the X to come into my home and to hang out on my computer while I was taking a shower. That is when my photoshop application got trashed.

Maybe you can work at separating the emotions as in pain is one thing and scared or fear is another. Honor fear and work with pain separately. Notice both and speak to each individually. I found that pain gets in the way of fear and then together they create confusion.

Remove what you fear, deal with pain and take deep breaths during overwhelm.

Being scared is a direct message that what you are again stepping into is WRONG as in back it up and don't go down that road.

(((hugs)))

eyes