Jerks, Psychopaths, and the Mentally Ill

[Retired Cornfield]

This board is pretty good at identifying Jerks, so I have no problem with that, however, it still hurts my ego to admit I may have chosen one for a lifetime commitment.  I am still dealing with the issue, given that I was so naive.

I have studied long and hard to identify psychopathic traits, and members of the Won board pegged Husband as such early on in our discussions.  It took me a while longer to see that I was in trouble with safe living.  Then I got very scared, remaining in a nervous state until long past his demise.  The nightmares were awful!  I kept dreaming that he had returned, and he was very happy about it all.  Once in a while I dreamed that he had slipped out of my life before we were married, and I hadn't noticed.  Those dreams were staged in my single days when I was so trusting and confident of his "love."   I actually had no idea of his mind or his real personality.

I have lived with dementia, both with Husband and others, so I have a good understanding of that issue.  My real concern is in defining and identifying mental illness, as separate from being a Jerk.  Isn't there mental illness involved in these disordered minds?  How are we defining our subjects these days?  It can't be all "Jerkiness."
Retired Cornfield

[betterdays]

RC,

Everyone I know who does not know the term "Narcissist", calls them jerks, arrogant jerks, and other less kind names.

[too_many]

I like the term 'azzaholic' myself, but I see on urban dictionary, it can mean two very different things...

I just mean the second one: 'Describes an individual that is addicted to being or becoming an Azzhole.'
 
 

too_many

[Retired Cornfield]

Well, then, I am being too educated when I assign a clinical disorder to the person.  I can understand that o.k.  I agree that the uninitiated aren't particularly interested in the term Narcissism.  Perhaps it is just that I have always been fascinated with psychological issues to explain mean behavior.  Today I am studying OCD for the umpteenth time because I am thinking about the hoarding behaviors of Late Husband, and also of my poor, little sister, who lives with a husband who has been officially diagnosed with OCD, as have numerous family members, along with alcoholism and such issues as opositional defiant disorder, ADHD, and such. 
I recognized the hoarding behaviors of both Husband and Sister when we moved to our new home thirteen years ago, and noticed the increase in impulsive behavior.  It coorelated well with the increase in meanness in both of them.  At the time I was concerned about the financial cost, and should have paid attention more to the mental health concerns.  Looking back, it wasn't important to me that Husband had insisted on taping the gift bag tightly shut because he couldn't accept crinkled wrapping paper sticking out, thought someone could see inside the bag if it weren't taped shut.  He thought the wrapping style was totally inappropriate for the gift, obviously.
I allowed the taping and cringed when the gift couldn't be easily opened by the receiver at the party.  But no one really noticed the difference.  Then there was the incident with the bandaid wrappings in the tea cup instead of the trash bin.  That one really upset Husband that he couldn't litter the bedroom by putting trash in the tea cup.
Do we really need three brand new axes neatly hanging on the wall of the shed?  I still own three of everything the hardware store sells.  I should go into business.  Retired Cornfield

[Retired Cornfield]

So then, all Jerks are mentally ill in some way.  Or, all mentally ill are Jerks of some kind.  I had assumed that meanness was meanness and that was that.  It was something I could understand, identify, and steer clear of when it happened in my presence.  So I am getting more confused every day because I like to have clear definitions of what is happening when someone screws with my head and then laughs about it.  I want to know when to be the kind, understanding comforter and when to lay down the law about how I am treated in the future.  I know I have certainly had enough experience to not ever go this route again in my life. 

Perhaps I am just looking for a socially acceptable explanation for my discarding of Husband in my heart, and my fast escape from a mental prison that I barely survived  with my mind still sane.  Not that it matters much, since he won't be returning to this address again, but there is the matter of my little Sister.  She is still alive, and I still care that she is living in misery of her choice.  Retired Cornfield

[Legs]

Dear Cornfield,

 Please tell me how you chose your name? Whenever I see your posts, I envision a little house with a swing on the front porch and flowers goring like crazy on trellises and the whole thing surrounded by cornfields on all sides...............

 I was just going to say I am a little OCD...watered down from my grandfather who used to go on hos closet everyday and make sure his hangers were all equally spaced... my gran said he measured with a ruler, but he really didn't. He liked order.
 
 I used to be a counter of things and I liked it when whatever I counted turned out to be an even number. That faded away and now I am happy as long as my colored pencils are arranged according to color.
 Lucifer was kind of a hoarder....but I think it was more about being deprived as a child and he could never get enough of anything! Not women nor cars nor stamps or old records..he had a wonderful collection of pristine, never opened record albums from the 60's and he never played them. Wouldn't let anyone open them TO play them. He collected stamps for years, got tired of it eventually and gave them all away to a daughter that didn't even want them...I think she took them to put his mind at ease.....

I am sorry about your little sister..it's sad when someone you love is miserable...especially if you consider it to be if her own choice. I don't think we always are able to make ourselves un-miserable even if we hate it...


Legs, thinking maybe you have oil lamps and fireflies too

 

[Retired Cornfield]

Legs. thanks for asking.  At the beginning, I wanted to point out that my farm living made my lifestyle a little different than most, and yes, I do live on a big hill surrounded by cornfields.  I have two oil lamps downstairs to decorate a very modern, brick home with a huge yard.  So I am rural and suburban at the same time.  I no longer actively farm but raise a huge garden to feed the family because I just love fresh vegetables.  Granddaughter raises the annual steer with her 4-H project, and we share the lean meat.  I have a small business park which doesn't provide income right now in this economy.  But daughter is managing it well for me.   When it comes to food and agriculture, just ask and I'll tell you more than you'd ever want to know.  I don't  mind friends with OCD because they can be helped, and I understand that some of it is inherited, which is the case with Sister's husband's family.
But Late Husband would never do anything about his OCD, let alone his N'ism and died a Psychopath, in my view.
So I study it all to enlighten my healing.  Everyday I get a little glimmer of truth that gives me peace of mind in understanding my 50 years of marriage, if you want to call it that.  I must admit that I have suffered from discrimination towards farm people, so I always point it out so you can be clear about whom you are conversing with.  RC

[Felicity2]

So then, all Jerks are mentally ill in some way.  Or, all mentally ill are Jerks of some kind.  I had assumed that meanness was meanness and that was that.  It was something I could understand, identify, and steer clear of when it happened in my presence.  So I am getting more confused every day because I like to have clear definitions of what is happening when someone screws with my head and then laughs about it.  I want to know when to be the kind, understanding comforter and when to lay down the law about how I am treated in the future.  I know I have certainly had enough experience to not ever go this route again in my life. 

Perhaps I am just looking for a socially acceptable explanation for my discarding of Husband in my heart, and my fast escape from a mental prison that I barely survived  with my mind still sane.  Not that it matters much, since he won't be returning to this address again, but there is the matter of my little Sister.  She is still alive, and I still care that she is living in misery of her choice.  Retired Cornfield

This was a big problem for me. My therapist told me my heart was open when I started therapy but that at the beginning of my healing it wouldn't help me. I was looking for his better side, trying to think of what had happened to him that might make him so nasty and uncaring and worse, what would make him hate women so much, which he denies of course. I was skipping the anger and getting right into forgiveness. He must be mentally ill, and so to call him evil wouldn't be fair.

It made me ill to keep on worrying about whether I was doing him an injustice by labelling him, holding him accountable, calling him on what he did to me and others. In the end I had to look at the behaviour and stop trying to be understanding. He was taking advantage of my sense of guilt too, of course, and that was keeping me bonded to him. You can't give an abuser an inch or they'll take the whole mile. I do believe that at the time he was doing all he knew how to do. Not that he didn't know it was wrong, but that he was purely programmed, by nature, nurture or both, to be willing to see me die rather than own up to who he was and what he did. That's not an excuse for him, but just a fact. Take away the labels of NPD/psychopathy/sex addict and just watch what they do and you're still left with a dangerous person who must be held accountable in some way.