Hello Everyone,
BIG INFO: The holidays are not the time to leave, but the time to be careful.
Your raging spouse may get more so during this time - be careful. Don't do anything to make it worse, but I am not saying, "Be a doormat." I always, always encourage planning an exit because this gives you time and hope. Don't just fly out the door...you may never get back in to get the kids, your clothes or money.
So when things get bad this holiday time, pause and make a little plan. Then when it happens again, add to the plan. Keep thinking strategy. It can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Here's some advice I give about how to think during a divorce...I want to repeat it because my INBOX is filled with stories like, "I just read your book, but it's too late for me. I just lost my three girls in a year long custody battle to my husband. I had no idea...I thought I would be believed."
Well, no. There is no one in the court system competent to understand most abuse.
THE NARCISSIST IS NOT A FRIEND IN DISGUISE
People strategize with their lawyers as if the narcissist is normal. I see them being told to try and reason with the narcissist, explain their situation, and tell them how they feel.
You might as well put a "kick me" sign on for all the good it will do. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. You cannot say, "I always tried to support you in all your dreams and I have been a good parent." Your spouse will not only be laughing - but you have just given him or her a weak point to attack and belittle you.
Stop giving pieces of yourself away! It wears you down and puts you in a precarious legal position. The manipulator can and will use everything you say against you.
Is there any hope? I know some people want to keep a chain of emails to show the court they are being reasonable and the spouse is the bad one. But think of this: if someone says something bad over and over and over about you and you do not rebut, might the court not think, "Hmmm..he always says she is........(fill in the blank), maybe she is."
Let's take an example. He says, "You are so not normal you are damaging the kids, you are going to force them into therapy." Do you ignore this so you show the court you are a good co-parent, and don't fight? Well, no! You can however take it, reframe it, and use it to your advantage. Here's how. You can write back and say, "Bob, I am very concerned you believe I am damaging to the children. It can't be easy for you to think that. Let's get that on the table and talk about it so you can be relieved of that burden."
You are not allowing him to slander you, slam you into the ground, and terrorize you. You are not attacking back, you are offering options, setting boundaries and you don't let it go by.
It is not to your advantage to be too nice so that you come across as a doormat, but neither do you want to be always attacking...no matter how bad the spouse is. The courts do not like attack mode - no matter how justified. If you have a big issue, fine - use it, but do not complain, nag, attack, whine or always find fault. You want the court to like you, not find you annoying. You will have to let some things go..remember you need to win the war, not the battle.
UNDERSTANDING HOW TO LEAVE
This is an ebook people love - I know because they tell me what helps. This is insight into how to use the psychology of narcissism to begin your exit. Know your enemy or you will be crushed. Be strong and feel good about yourself by knowing you are victim, and s/he is the problem.
Please, please, do not leave because you "are right". You can be right and dead. Or right and poor. Or right and lost all rights to your children. YES, I see it all the time. Even attorneys who lose everything write and tell me about it. You don't have to be one of them.
This info works for both men and women. I really do understand that the language is a barrier, just pretend it is gender neutral.
USING PSYCHOLOGY TO PLAN AN EXIT FROM A NARCISSISTDo something for yourself this season. Be good to yourself and know that there is life after narcissism, the road is not always easy, but it's worth traversing.
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."
— Fred Rogers
As always, always the best,
Ann
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