Narcissism & Resistance to Doubts about Romantic Partners (PDF)

[CZBZ]

Narcissism and resistance to doubts about romantic partners

Joshua D. Foster, W. Keith Campbell

Abstract

It was hypothesized that narcissism would be associated with resistance to doubts concerning the commitment of romantic partners. Furthermore, this resistance might buVer against relationship dysfunction that sometimes follows such doubts. In support of our predictions, narcissism was associated with greater reported diYculty completing a task that involved listing reasons why current romantic partners might be less committed. Following the task, narcissism was associated with less relationship dysfunction, deWned as lack of commitment, desire to accept an extra-partner dating invitation, and the desire to adopt a more game-playing (ludus) love style. The opposite pattern emerged in a second condition where participants were asked to list reasons why their current romantic partners might be more committed (i.e., narcissism associated with less diYculty and higher relationship dysfunction). Though narcissism is generally associated with lower relationship functioning, the present results illuminate a situation where narcissism may be beneWcial particularly in the short-term.



Excerpted from article:

"...One reason that narcissism is so interesting to psychologists is that it is associated with the use of self-regulatory tactics that preserve feelings of superiority and esteem (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001). These tactics are especially useful to narcissists when they are confronted with negative information or feedback and range from aggressing against those providing negative feedback (e.g., Bushman & Baumeister, 1998), to simply distorting feedback (e.g., Campbell et al., 2000). In a particularly clever demonstration, Rhodewalt and Eddings (2002) exposed narcissists to negative feedback from a potential dating partner and then asked them to recall their romantic histories. As expected, narcissists self-aggrandized more to the extent that they were given negative feedback. Additionally, narcissists are overconWdent in their self and interpersonal abilities. For example, in a study by Campbell et al. (2004), narcissists reported that they would perform well in a future task, even after they were informed that they had performed poorly on 100 previous trials—of the same task. The authors suggested that narcissists make judgments about the self based on preexisting positive self-schemas rather than on objective observation. Likewise, Ames and Kammrath (2004) demonstrated that narcissism predicts inXated performance estimates following an interpersonal task. In this instance, narcissists reported that they were more skilled than others at knowing what others are thinking. These Wndings, taken as a whole, suggest that narcissists should be resistant to doubts about their partners’ perceptions of their relationship. Even if things are not going well, narcissists are likely to positively bias how they think their partners view the relationship. Furthermore, narcissists are likely to distort their own impression of the relationship in reaction to threats stemming from doubts about their partner’s perception..."

Click here to retrieve 8-page document

[LDW]

I think I was quite narcissistic myself judging my relationship as "the best ever" (grandiose!! ;-)) in the short term. I could see us living in a countryside cottage with our own vegetable garden, 4 kids running around and mum working in a local hospital and dad saving the world in the army.

It was only in the long run (2,5 years) that I could no longer resist doubting my romantic partner; the cottage became a haunted house in which I had to protect my children from a dictatorial regime...

The dream was shattered but the nightmare fortunately never became reality. Thank god.

[Julia]

Dating Ns have less relationship angst than non Ns? Really? well, duh. They are molding themselves to fit the partner, making the partner feel special, and driving in small pins rather than large knives. Did this article say how long the relationships were? College, right,  so probably an average of 8 months or less. Whatever partner dissatisfaction they were exposed to was pretty minimal, and they just move on to another person. It seems to me that the authors were measuring the existence of N abuse rather than the benefits to an N of their way of relating. This article is triggering and pretty much fluff, IMO. Ick.


Julia

[CZBZ]

Keith Campbell is a social psychologist, measuring 'narcissism' as a personality dynamic. He is not writing about narcissism as a clinical disorder as defined by the DSM-IV. This is an important distinction to make so I hope everyone will bear this in mind when reading the research posted on WoN. Perhaps I should point that out on research articles? some articles measure Clinical Narcissism (pathological) and others measure social narcissism (normal).

Though Campbell never expected to become a celebrity himself, (researchers often prefer libraries and cubicles collecting data), his consistent interest in social/normal narcissism has put him in the spotlight. He is a professor at the University of Georgia where the majority of his studies (if not ALL, I'm not sure), are based on college-age students.

One line of thought I've pondered is that there is a statistically noticeable difference between the students narcissism thirty years ago and narcissistic students today. I bear that in mind, too.


"I think I was quite narcissistic myself judging my relationship as "the best ever" (grandiose!! ;-)) in the short term. I could see us living in a countryside cottage with our own vegetable garden, 4 kids running around and mum working in a local hospital and dad saving the world in the army." ~LDW

Like you LDW, I was extremely self-confident in my ability to navigate the rough waters of a lifelong marriage. I was self-confident in my ability to keep a man in my bed (Ha!), it wasn't unhealthy narcissism or over-inflation of my desirability either. I had a lot of self-confidence that had been EARNED by developing skills and enjoying accomplishments that sustained a realistic self-esteem. I wouldn't call my perceptions of my relationship 'grandiose'...I'm more inclined to say that I had a realistic perception of my ability to navigate rough terrain but the mistake was believing my partner had the same qualities (or commitment) as myself.

I've had to think about this point quite a bit the past few years because at first, I judged myself as being 'narcissistic' since it was unthinkable to me that my marriage would end in divorce. I had similar visions as yourself but wasn't sitting on my ass expecting a fairy godmother to make my dreams come true. I was working my heart out to achieve those visions that for all intents and purposes, were shared by my X. Had I been magically wishing my dreams be fulfilled, now that would denote unhealthy narcissism such as entitlement and idealistic notions of success (without the labor required or a realistic perception of one's capabilities). That's kinda how I look at it, LDW. I believed myself worthy of love, not entitled to being loved without effort on my part. And also, even with 'idealistic' notions of what a happy family looked like, I wasn't checking out the alternatives for an Ideal Love and 'exploiting' a current partner deemed to be less than what I deserved. 

It wasn't unhealthy narcissism that kept me believing my marriage was perfect...I felt that all relationships were fraught with struggles and would eventually overcome whatever ailed the relationship. Unfortunately, some of us were working 150% to achieve our dream. The problem with all narcissistic relationships is the narcissist him or herself. The one who idealizes perfect love, is never satisfied with 'good enough', and is always looking for a better 'mirror' (alternative partner). Once we're in a relationship based on deceit, we get tangled up in an enmeshment process wherein we blame ourselves for 'failure' until we're able to restore some of the self-confidence we had when first meeting the narcissist. Narcissists project. That is how they regulate their self-esteem and eliminate contrary evidence that is not in accord with their self-perceptions. We pick up those projections without realizing what is happening. It takes time to sort out Who we are from Who the narcissist really is. Few people ever leave a narcissistic relationship without accusing themselves of being narcissistic. Part of the work we do restoring our sense of self (and our integrity) is taking a hard look at the 'projections' we identified with and giving them back to the one to whom they belong.

Is it narcissistic to believe that we are capable of CREATING a healthy, long-lasting and rich relationship with someone? If we are working our hearts out to achieve our goal, then normal and healthy narcissism sustains self-doubt while we work towards a goal we believe to be worthy of effort and commitment.

IF we fantasize about an ideal relationship that is not hindered by typical problems and daily frustration, and if we are NOT willing to devote 100% or more of our effort and commitment, then that might be unhealthy narcissism. The kind of narcissism that is exploitative, entitled to receive unconditional love while loving others 'conditionally', and in a facetious way, expecting a fairy godmother to drop from the sky waving her magic wand so our partner will suddenly turn into Prince Charming and our big fat feet will fit into tiny glass slippers. Now THAT is narcissism and it is pathological. I knew what my issues were and never expected to find a flawless man. I think a lot of people have/had the same understanding...what we did not know is that some people are unable to accept being imperfect and flawless.

Rambling a little this morning but another thought comes to mind: because of my own imperfections and 'issues', AND my willingness to work on improving or disciplining my 'self', I believed that all other people were like myself. My grandiosity, should we define it as that, was based on a personal belief that my support and understanding would be sufficient to help a partner face his problems and enhance trust, intimacy and love...love for our mutual brokenness and our willingness to even try to achieve the dream of a perfect (good enough) family.


Hugs,
CZ

[CZBZ]

"Dating Ns have less relationship angst than non Ns? Really? well, duh. They are molding themselves to fit the partner, making the partner feel special, and driving in small pins rather than large knives. Did this article say how long the relationships were? College, right,  so probably an average of 8 months or less. Whatever partner dissatisfaction they were exposed to was pretty minimal, and they just move on to another person. It seems to me that the authors were measuring the existence of N abuse rather than the benefits to an N of their way of relating. This article is triggering and pretty much fluff, IMO. Ick." ~Julia


It's definitely NOT one of Campbell's best and the conclusions bring up more questions than answers. First of all, is it healthy narcissism to believe in one's abilities to cope with inevitable problems of every relationship? Is it narcissistic to see oneself as 'good enough' and worthy of commitment? Is it narcissistic to TRUST a partner to be loyal because he or she professes to have the same values and goals? The person who does not see themselves as being worthy of love or commitment and constantly questions 'why' someone loves them, is unhealthy narcissism in the making of a pathology.

Campbell based this study on the NPI (Narcissistic Personality Inventory) which measures the degree of narcissism in a personality based on seven points. Someone might have a high score in 'authority' and a low score in 'entitlement' which means they see themselves as competent (more perhaps than most but that's still not unhealthy if their perceptions are corroborated by reality) and yet, they are willing to WORK for what they want. They do not have an inordinate sense of entitlement. If they have a high NPI score on Exploitativeness and also a high score on Authority, well, they might be dictatorial Machiavellians who use people to serve themselves.

The NPI is a viable measure of narcissism as a dynamic of personality but it does not measure NPD, or pathological narcissism. You probably already understand this but for those who are unfamiliar with the NPI, I wanted to make that point very clear.

For those of us who have been in long-term relationships with narcissists, it might be useful to reflect on our 'dating relationship' with the narcissist when reading an article like this. I was a little less confident that my boyfriend would see me as a 'good enough' partner than he was. That's for damn sure. But I had a stronger more profound belief in my ability to make a relationship work, that's for damn sure, too. 

Thank you so much for reading this article and offering feedback. One thing we need to do as laypeople is Think Critically and not swallow psychological literature as if it were the gospel truth. We can trust authority, respect their competence and also 'think critically' about the information. It's like being told one day that egg yolks were akin to taking arsenic for your heart and then being told another day that eggs were good for you. Or that a glass of wine would protect your heart and then thinking about how those glasses of wine end up breaking hearts. We must avoid the tendency to believe authorities beyond all doubt and reason. I really appreciate hearing from forum members about the articles posted on WoN. sometimes I have to squint one eye will clicking "Post". I am relieved to know that y'all are questioning the research, too.


Hugs,
CZ 

[LDW]

CZ!

I can't believe the effort you put in to reply to all our frustrations, questions, doubts... thank you so much for your support! 

My ex only 'doubted' my commitment to our relationship once he noticed that I was NOT just going to commit to a relationship based on HIS terms (is that my healthy narcissism??). When I expressed my displeasure that's when he became abusive, manipulative and all the projections started.

And yes, I identified with his projections, his relentlessness in that, made me doubt myself...; am I in this relationship for the right reasons? Maybe I should show him more how much I am invested in this relationship, if only I could get him to see how much I care about him...

At the same time he was not really reciprocating the same things, in fact; he was literally saying to me that I had to know that if I wanted to be with an army officer, I was going to be the one that had to sacrifice (how about that for entitlement)... A relationship with an army officer was never going to be a 'normal' one and that as much as he would love to be superman, he had not yet been issued with his private helicopter to come and see me whenever I wanted to address my dilemmas (note how it now had officially become MY problem).

Do you see what he's doing??? What a COW I was to feel entitled to get MY issues solved whenever I felt like it. He was not superman!!! Guilt-tripping at its finest...

But the truth of the matter is that he did think he was superman, I just challenged him in the image he had of himself...

Sorry... I went of on a bit of a rant there... NO, I should not appologise... AARRRGGGHH whatever... It's crazy-making what they do... and I now forgot what it was that I wanted to make clear on this topic. 

CZ, I can soooo relate to all that you write; it wasn't so much that I wondered why he would love me, it was more that I wondered IF he still loved me the way he used to love me in the beginning of the relationship... is that unhealthy narcissism? And following that, I DID question myself on WHY he would love me, he MADE me question that and in the end I couldn't even answer it anymore. Is that pathological?

But I sure wanted to make it work, so much so that I lost myself in the process...

[CZBZ]

"I now forgot what it was that I wanted to make clear on this topic.  " ~LDW

Welcome to WoN, LDW! The forum of rambling forgetfulness that somehow finds golden nuggets on our way back to the original topic.  I hope you've noticed by now that we are not sticklers for sticking to the topic. Too many of us have experienced that dreaded 'fingers type slower than thoughts' syndrome, to be worried about other people doing the same thing. The fact that we can still type words after the N-experience, is a credit to our resiliency. 

"I can't believe the effort you put in to reply to all our frustrations, questions, doubts... thank you so much for your support!"

You are so welcome. I'm only paying it forward. I am equally grateful that people post messages. WoN would be a very lonely place if nobody asked for help 'cuz you were all such icons of strength, moral turpitude and self-reliance. Hey, we can study the literature all day long and we still have to go through the emotional process, bypassing the Brain-iac Overlord. You can't forever delay feeling what ya gotta feel---unless of course, you're a narc. They're pretty good at avoiding uncomfortable feelings, aren't they? Healing is not just about Information. It's also about restoring integrity through an emotional process.

"My ex only 'doubted' my commitment to our relationship once he noticed that I was NOT just going to commit to a relationship based on HIS terms (is that my healthy narcissism??). When I expressed my displeasure that's when he became abusive, manipulative and all the projections started."

I'd say it was healthy narcissism and an awareness of what you needed from a partner. To him, it was an insult that you would expect him, grand poopah of the universe, to meet YOUR needs. Why how dare you? Your job is to serve him, not the reverse. Never forget that point when it comes to grandiose narcissists who see themselves as entitled to all your attention and support. When we ask narcissists to support us, it's like loyal Serfs asking their Prince to shine their shoes. If the Prince allowed them to have shoes, that is.

"And yes, I identified with his projections, his relentlessness in that, made me doubt myself...; am I in this relationship for the right reasons? Maybe I should show him more how much I am invested in this relationship, if only I could get him to see how much I care about him..."

ARGH! A very common reaction, LDW. We believe that by proving to the narcissist that we CARE for them and are INVESTED in the relationship, that they will reciprocate in kind. That they will not have any doubts about GIVING to us because of course, we'll give them back whatever they need and then some.  We all start giving MORE and we all question our own NARCISSISM to expect to have our needs met.

"At the same time he was not really reciprocating the same things, in fact; he was literally saying to me that I had to know that if I wanted to be with an army officer, I was going to be the one that had to sacrifice (how about that for entitlement)... A relationship with an army officer was never going to be a 'normal' one and that as much as he would love to be superman, he had not yet been issued with his private helicopter to come and see me whenever I wanted to address my dilemmas (note how it now had officially become MY problem). Do you see what he's doing??? What a COW I was to feel entitled to get MY issues solved whenever I felt like it. He was not superman!!! Guilt-tripping at its finest..."

I see. So his life was the IMPORTANT life requiring sacrifice on your part so you could tag along hugging superman's cape? He expected you to be satisfied with whatever golden crumbs he threw your way while also letting you know that YOU were dispensable. If you could not accept him on his terms, then you were the one who was being selfish and self-centered. is that how it felt when he guilt-tripped you??? Women have such a hard time breaking through our cultural programming to 'sacrifice our lives' and to avoid being seen as 'selfish'. Narcissists know that about women and so they use it to trigger our guilt so we can never be seen as selfish.

The harsh reality he might have been telling you is that you were REPLACEABLE. If you didn't accept him on his terms, he didn't NEED you. You were not important enough for him to change his life and how he liked doing his life. That's a bitter truth to swallow in one go. Especially when we have fallen in love with them. (By the way, current statistics suggest that the military is comprised of more narcissists than the general public. About 20%). If you have 'abandonment' issues at all (we all do to some degree), his threat to end the relationship if you don't comply to his demands might result in unhealthy compliance rather than awaken old fears about abandonment.

"But the truth of the matter is that he did think he was superman, I just challenged him in the image he had of himself..."

You got it! That's it! YOU challenged his idea of himself as superman. He could not meet your needs but rather than see himself as incapable, or inept to put your needs on a par with his own, he blames YOU for being 'needy'. Unless you are aware that he is a narcissist, you'll pick up his accusation and try to make fewer demands on superman's time.

"CZ, I can soooo relate to all that you write; it wasn't so much that I wondered why he would love me, it was more that I wondered IF he still loved me the way he used to love me in the beginning of the relationship... is that unhealthy narcissism? And following that, I DID question myself on WHY he would love me, he MADE me question that and in the end I couldn't even answer it anymore. Is that pathological? But I sure wanted to make it work, so much so that I lost myself in the process..."

You lost yourself in the CONFUSION, LDW. Falling in love with a narcissist is like dropping off the face of the Earth. The terrain is unknown territory. once you have a map in your pocket that has lots of landmarks and red flags and sand pits to avoid, it's much easier to navigate yourself back home. The N-relationship is unlike any other relationship we've ever known and that's why we get lost. Don't beat yourself up too much. People get sidetracked by looking inside themselves for 'errors' without taking a cold hard look at the manipulator first. You could not know what you didn't know...and narcissistic relationships are always confusing and deceptive.

What made you finally decide that HE was a controlling and heartless narcissist??? Surely your healthy self-esteem finally cut through the confusion and alerted you that something was seriously 'OFF' with the guy.

Hugs,
CZ