Avoiding seeing the big picture

[honeybearII]

So long as we address the “abusive incidents” separately—as discreet events—thereby defensively ignoring their wider pattern, then we can rationalize more easily our “staying in” the relationship with a kind of pseudo-dignity and pseudo self-respect.

 

The above quote is from the website "Lovefraud", and it is an excellent article. 

So many times on this site, we have asked ourselves, "WHY didn't I see the red flags?  WHY did I stay so long?  HOW could I have missed what was happening?".  The author of the article says that primarily it is because we see each incident of abuse as a distinct and separate incident.  We may stand up to the N at that moment (I know I did), but then we fail to put all these little incidents into the big picture and recognize that it is a wide pattern of abuse that has been happening over a long period of time.  Instead, we recognize one small incident of abuse, we may even confront the N, we may have an argument about it or even a full-blown fight, but then we think the brush-fire is out and we walk away until the next time.  This can go on for YEARS until for some of us the evidence of the PATTERN OF ABUSE becomes so egregious that we finally CANNOT fail to see the big picture.

If some of you are still struggling with seeing the big picture, I would like to lovingly suggest that you do something I did with the help of a good therapist.  I began to write down all the incidents over the years in which my NH had emotionally abused me, had taken advantage of me, the times he was unfaithful but I wouldn't see it, all the little vignettes of abuse that I saw as anomalies to the marriage but which were, in fact, the WHOLE marriage and were a very chilling story of emotional abuse.  If you are still thinking that somehow what you are experiencing is simply a one-time thing, begin writing down all the memories of all the times you felt used and abused and you WILL see a terrible pattern.

With an N it is very, very hard to see the big picture because when it is good, it is really good.  But those good times are NOT the real story because, if you are on this forum, you know deep down that there are or have been a lot more of the bad times than the good.  Until we see the abuse as the Big Picture and not as little separate incidents, we will probably still be living with the N thinking, somehow, if we can just get past this Little Indiscretion things will be great.  Not likely, dear ones, not likely.

LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.
Hugs,
Honey

[eyes_up]

Tedi,

 Thanks for bringing this important point to board. What come to my mind with this aspect of abuse is that with out the help of a therapist I didn't even see abusive actions as abusive. They felt abusive but I didn't call it abuse.

 It was a real big day when it was pointed out to me that the behaviors and actions of the man I was partnering with were abusive. Before I was able to see the cycle  or big picture I had to get the term abuse inserted. Prior to that my ideas I was assigning the situation ranged all the way from the desire to get back mr. wonderful to I some how deserved what was coming to me. The lines of what is acceptable were not built internally.

Discovering the whole meaning of abuse was significant . It meant that I didn't have the power to change the other  persons behaviors and that they were a set deal since the the abusive person didn't want to know the truth about his actions. Because the behavior was acceptable to the abuser then they became acceptable to me which did reduce the impact of abuse only allowed it to become a pattern.

eyes

[CZBZ]

"The danger, of course, is how this defensive process—in its reframing of the exploitation as a series of disconnected, but manageable, events—supports our denial that the relationship has, in fact, been globally and fatally compromised by the exploitation.

This highlights, yet again, the basic conundrum of defense mechanisms: the protection they confer is so often exceeded, unfortunately, by their cost to our well-being and, sometimes, integrity." ~Watch Out for This Defense Mechanism by Steve Becker on LoveFraud.com

Hi Honey!

I hadn't read Becker's recent article, so thanks for bringing it to everyone's attention. There's another absolutely fabulous article on the web, written by Stormchild on her blog Gale Warnings. The following excerpt is from an important post she wrote about Pattern Recognition. For those who are inclined to read linked articles, she includes a link to research by Paul Eckman and other posts referring to Abuse and Memory. These articles oughta be required reading for anyone surviving a narcissistic relationship.

I missed a very important pattern in all the crazy-making incidents that confused me and triggered unresolved issues from my family-of-origin. Situations I never fully understood and was reluctant to face. Some of the patterns I didn't see with the X were similar to emotionally abusive patterns from childhood.

I have always been very good at Reframing my pain and suffering.  Reframing can be a valuable skill in healing from things like divorce, infidelity, abuse, etc. Until reading Stormchild's essay,I hadn't connected the dots between 'reframing' and 'denial'. Sometimes (though not for all) seeing the Big Picture means bringing up prior abuses in our lives...Emotional abuse is so subtle that it's easier to reframe each brushfire than it is to look for the source of the flames.

It is comforting in a way, to find out that our reactions are normal...not that 'normal' means 'healthy' by any stretch of the imagination. I'll clip a few sentences from her article Pattern Recognition, Awareness, and Escape From Abuse (2007)


Hugs,
CZ


"Patterns also exist with purely emotional abuse. Abusers often seek to be alone with their targets, so that they can act out with impunity and no witnesses are present. Then it's your word against the abuser's, and the abuser knows that most people DON'T know enough about patterns, or abuse, to realize that the insane behavior you are describing isn't 'insane' at all - it's characteristic of abuse!'

"...This is a perfect example of an essential childhood strategy that is maladaptive in adulthood. We depend on our parents for our very survival, and if they betray and abuse us, we must be inordinately strong within to be able to hold the truth of that fact in conscious awareness while also holding and accepting the truth that we are stuck depending on them until we are old enough to rely upon ourselves. Few children can manage this; most of us 'reframe' the situation by 'forgetting' the abuse. And each time the abuse is repeated, our ability to forget, or to entirely avoid seeing, behavioral patterns becomes stronger..."

"...The single most important thing to remember is that it's what a person does - repeatedly - in situations you have witnessed - that tells you the most about them. Not what they say, not what they tell you they have done in situations where you were not there. What they actually do.

The second most important thing to remember is that remembering past events is not 'wallowing' or 'dredging' or 'catastrophising' - especially if someone who behaves abusively towards you tries to convince you that it is!

Remembering past events is the absolutely essential prerequisite to learning from experience. And anyone who does not want you to learn from your experiences - no matter how charming their pose - does not have your best interests at heart.

And the third most important thing to remember is this:

Abusive behavior follows patterns. Batterers behave in highly stereotyped ways - the tension, the battering, the apology, the honeymoon, the tension. Emotional abusers behave in similarly patterned ways - ruin the holiday; ruin the birthday; spoil the accomplishment; demand all the attention at the wedding/funeral/bar mitzvah.

If you learn to see the patterns, you will learn to see the abuse. If you see the abuse, you see the abuser. Once you see the abuse and the abuser, you will find that you can actually predict how the abuser will behave; once their behavior becomes predictable, you feel less helpless, have more of an opportunity to control your responses, and can then become free.

It can be done."~Pattern Recognition, Awareness, and Escape From Abuse

[honeybearII]

ALWAYS JUDGE ACTIONS.

That has become my mantra for life.  Words are incredibly cheap.
Honey

[eyes_up]

BOOT _ This New thread is packed with awesome information. I went ahead and fully read the link and recommend the entire article.

One of the first things that has to be understood is what is abusive behavior other wise the red flag is only felt and never processed and labeled.

eyes

[Proud2B]

Honey,
I agree - actions really do speak louder than words, but I have a funny but sad comment about the exN.

I can't begin to count the number of times he would be upset with me because I could not anticipate his needs.  Often times, I would do exactly as instructed, only to be told "watch what I do, don't listen to what I say".  Often, after I screwed up (uh-huh), his comment would be, "Listen to what I say instead of what I do."

The bottom line was, there was no way to predict how he was going to react because he was totally and completely arbitrary in his responses.  Sometimes he was feelin' good, and sometimes he was feelin' bad, and there was a total, complete disconnect from reality.  It was AWFUL!  and paralyzing.  I spun in circles a lot, not knowing what to do or where to turn.  No matter which direction I chose, or what option I picked, it was a total crap shoot.  My main goal was always to make him happy.  When that failed, as it often did, my secondary goal was to avoid being punished for some unknown and unintended transgression. 

Had I seen the pattern of abuse rather than view each one as an isolated incident, I would have taken action long ago.

And if you take a second step, even further back, some people would argue that systematic and societal abuse is deeply ingrained in our society.  As a society we don't see the number of women murdered by loved ones or ex's as being a social problem.  The numbers are HUGE, and so is the problem.  Incidents of violence against women and children are often protray ed as isolated incidents in the media, and even in our own heads.  That is what keeps us from taking action against blatant abusers and men who hurt woman and children .  It is so deeply ingrained.   
 
  The other day I was in the Production area and heard a gal say her husband wouldn't let her wear a certain type of clothing.  I got it, I knew what she was talking about.  She could have worn it, but she didn't want to upset him.  When I think about it, there isn't much difference between that situation and the one requiring women to completely cover themselves, head to foot.  I can't say for sure why they do it, but I'll bet some do it because if they don't, they are subjected to physical, emotional abuse at the hands of  family members, and men ruling the streets.  An extreme example, only to illustrate my point.  There are lots of 'isolated incidents' I dismiss, because to acknowledge them means I would have to take action, and I'm not quite sure what action to take. 

The violence directed towards women and children scares me to death.   

Proud

[LDW]

Honey thanks!!!

I'm in the process of getting all information available in Dutch on a website, and I could sure use this!!!

It's the interpretation that gets lost... I failed to interprete his behaviour because he made sure to get me confused everytime I did.

two thumbs up for very valuable info, thanks!!! 

[SusyP14]

Honey, I think this was extremely important info.  Thank you.

[SusyP14]

I wanted to bump this up to the front .... I think it is such important info!

[RB22]

One of the exercises my therapist did was to have me write down each incident.. and assign a number. Every time I had a flashback to a memory I was to write down the abusive incident.....and give it a name... gaslighting, manipulation, emotional blackmail... etc. 

In it's entirety, It was mind boggling to me, that I let it go on and the longer it went on.. the worse it got.

On several forums I belong to, the advice is to stay in the moment.... I learned how to do that living with a N for 18 years... In his words the past was history, it was done...
Of course it was done... he didn't want to be reminded... but he was always ever so willing to remind me of instances where I didn't measure up.

His double standard still boggles me...

Hugs,

RB

[honeybearII]

When I was in therapy, I also began to list "vignettes" of my life with the N.  Like you, RB, it was mind-boggling to see the pattern and how they started early, early in my relationship with him.  This is why I think it is so, SO important to not just look at what APPEAR to be isolated incidents of treating us badly, but to begin to see the whole picture.  It is crazy-making living with an N because one moment they are charming, funny, great company.  Then BOOM! The next time you could be going somewhere and suddenly they set out to make sure they make the experience miserable.  Like you, RB, I could never predict which mask he would be wearing when we set out to go somewhere - vacations, family gatherings, musical performances, etc. 

What I DO know is that ANYTHING where he was not The Star were destined to go badly.  If it was something that was important to ME, he made sure to act like a total azz and I would spend all evening worrying about HIM instead of enjoying my own event.  But oh boy, howdy, if we were attending something where HE was Big Man then you saw the Mr. Wonderful mask and he would be the center of attention and everyone would be having a great time basking in the aura of his personality. 

I think EVERY SINGLE TIME we planned on a special vacation, he did SOMETHING to make sure I started it angry, frustrated and sick at heart.  He would pick a fight the night before, or dawdle to the point where we almost missed our flight one time, or would get angry because "I" forgot to pack something he needed......you get the picture.  I HATED traveling with him because it would ALWAYS turn into me turning myself inside out to make sure HE had a good time while MY time was ruined by his antics.  And yet, he made sure if anyone else was along that publicly he was, again, Mr. Fun-in-th-Sun.  GRRRR.  All those times I put up with that.   What an idiot, LOL.
Honey

[Litha]

It is crazy-making living with an N because one moment they are charming, funny, great company.  Then BOOM! The next time you could be going somewhere and suddenly they set out to make sure they make the experience miserable.

My exN was adept at wrapping his abuse into his charming, funny, great company persona. That was the worst for me. When he was raging the abuse was obvious and therefore easier to deal with.

By the end I could hear the tone of his voice change slightly though, when he was going for the soft and deadly kill. These were the moments I saw him as truly evil. The only way to escape at that point was to end the conversation and get away as quickly as possible. The damage he did in that mode still haunts me.

[CZBZ]

Freezerburned nominated this thread for The Duck Pond, so it has been recopied and posted in that category.

Since The Duck Pond is 'read only', I wanted to ask RB22 about her therapist's suggestion giving a 'number' to each incident and to also give the incident a 'name' like gaslighting, emotional blackmail, etc.

It might be useful to add to the list of tactics abusers use to confuse and distract the 'target'. The more aware we become, the more capable we are of Seeing the Pattern. It sounded very empowering for you to name and number repetitive incidents of abuse, RB22. Has anyone else used this technique???


Hugs,
CZ

[Litha]

Thank you FreezerBurned and CZBZ for bumping this. The first time I read it I was still thinking mostly about recovering from my most recent exN, a relationhip that only lasted 1 year. I felt that writing down my experiences on this forum was enough.

Now that I am looking at my Nm and feeling overwhelmed by all the memories of my childhood and into adulthood, the idea of writing down the memories as the come up, giving each a number and other identification, sounds perfect. To have them all swirling around in my head is making me dizzy and nauseated, I love the idea of pinning them down once and for all.

It reminds me of starting an insect collection. Trap each memory in a killing jar, then pin it to a display board with identification.
 

[LettingGo]

 

I wanted to ask RB22 about her therapist's suggestion giving a 'number' to each incident and to also give the incident a 'name' like gaslighting, emotional blackmail, etc.

It might be useful to add to the list of tactics abusers use to confuse and distract the 'target'. The more aware we become, the more capable we are of Seeing the Pattern. It sounded very empowering for you to name and number repetitive incidents of abuse, RB22. Has anyone else used this technique???~CZ

Yes, I have both in my personal and professional life for the exact same reasons RB & Honey talked about, To see the Big Picture, and to identify a pattern of abuse and to label it gaslighting, devaluing, manipulation etc is great because it helps us take a more objective viewpoint. This list would be great to take to your C or T.

[CZBZ]

What a great image, Litha! Shall we call our list: Identifying the cockroach

Like cockroaches, abusers scurry out of sight when you flip on a light switch. They prefer to do their scavenging in the dark, like abusers who keep their victims in-the-dark so they can feed on their naivety. We need to familiarize ourselves with abusive tactics because abusers are not very creative. They all seem to behave in similar ways so the trick is 'catching on' to their repetitive tactics. If we don't know what those tactics are though, we'll interpret their behavior from our own understanding which means, unfortunately, that we'll miss the INTENTIONALITY and MALICE.


Hugs,
CZ

[Litha]

What a great image, Litha! Shall we call our list: Identifying the cockroach

LOVE IT! Wasn't there an insecticide that called itself The Roach Hotel? I remember the slogan was something like, "Roaches check in, but they don't check out"

We have lots of deerflies in where I grew up. You have to wear a hat if you go for a walk because they circle around your head looking for a place to land and bite. Thats what all these memories feel like, biting flies buzzing around my head, each one trying to land and suck a little blood, then leave their stinging poison behind.

but not for long, heh heh heh

[LettingGo]

That is the slogan I use to describe what society should do to those Monsters that prey on woman & children "They check in, but they don't check out".

If only Ns are as harmless as a tick, that just sucks out what they want, gets their fill and eventually drops off dead. Well, there are those parasites that transfer deadly diseases.

To bad they aren't like a bee that can only sting once, leave its stinger behind and causes its own death. If only healing from a Narc attack was as simple as getting the stinger out and stopping the poison. For some of us HSPs we go into anaphylactic shock. Some of need an eppy shot. "Seeking medical attention immediately is the only solution under such an emergency situation."

To me Malignant Ns (like there are any other kind  ) are like a deadly poisonous serpent, that strikes w/out any warning, deeply wounds if not kills its victim, tries to devour its prey, and when it has had its fill, slithers away to find another victim.

I guess you have to ask yourself w/regarding Ns, Do we want to be in the Control Unit or the Extermination Team?

Can you guess which one I'm signing up for?

[Litha]

A parasitic wasp perhaps?
(caution, do not watch if you have a weak stomach or are feeling vulnerable in any way)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMG-LWyNcAs[/youtube]

[LettingGo]

  Wow instead of just malignant Ns they should be referred to as Parasitic Ns.
 Amazing how the caterpillar, was invaded from the outside, but destroyed from within, lost its identity and was brainwashed into protecting the parasitic enemy.
the catapiller never reached its destiny of being a beautiful 

[Litha]

the catapiller never reached its destiny of being a beautiful 

  don't cry LettingGo, that kind of catepillar doesn't turn into a butterfly. Farmers actually love parasitic wasps because they attack the catepillars that destroy crops. You can buy them at agricultural supply stores to release into your fields. The wasps are harmless to people, so they are safer than chemical pesticides.

So you could turn the analogy around, and see the wasps as the Army of WoN, attacking the Nworms that destoy our our heart's food supply. The seeds of knowledge are planted and they eat away at the evil power of the bloated N.

They still creep me out though. 

 
Litha

[CZBZ]

GROSS!


What a disgusting video to wake up to.


 



Bugs,
CZ

[Litha]

GROSS!


What a disgusting video to wake up to.


 



Bugs,
CZ

Sorry CZBZ  , that's why I made the warning big and red -- so no one would be unpleasantly surprised.

[CZBZ]

I'm teasing you, Litha! It was an absolutely perfect video. The creepy thing is that I could relate to the caterpillar (though I don't ruin farmer's crops). We often say that narcissists 'get under our skin' and now that cliche will give me goosebumps.

then of course, the other analogy that creeped me out was watching the 'anesthetized' caterpillar protect the parasites. Actually starving to death because the instinct to protect the larvae was so strong. I couldn't help but remember those horrible days when the only thing my tummy could tolerate was liquid dinners in a can. That Ensure stuff. I forgot to even eat and for me, that's a sure sign of trauma! ha! My natural instinct was to Save the Narcissist from himself.     


Hugs,
CZ

[Litha]

then of course, the other analogy that creeped me out was watching the 'anesthetized' caterpillar protect the parasites. Actually starving to death because the instinct to protect the larvae was so strong.

me too, the way they described the wasp's "virus" invading the caterpillar's brain and warping it's survival instincts is eerie. It's like the worst "Stockholm Syndrome" ever. I know in my head that the caterpillar is a serious pest, but it's hard for my heart to side with those horrid wasps.