Ex-mistress testifies that Texas Minister admitted killing his wife

[Flower]

"Bulls said she met Baker in the fall of 2005 at church and that their affair began in February 2006 after he convinced her to have counseling sessions because of her divorce. She said Baker disparaged his wife, making fun of her weight and saying she was a horrible mother because she was depressed about the cancer death of their middle child.".................................
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"Bulls said she began to feel trapped and more afraid of Baker because he said no one would believe her if she told. Then she broke up with him and urged him to turn himself in."...................
....................................... ......
"She said about a month later, Baker called to ask how she was, in what she described as "the creepiest phone call of my life" because he sounded completely normal. She said she reiterated that she wanted nothing to do with him.

"He said, 'I miss you.' ... I said, 'You've got to turn yourself in.' He said, 'God has forgiven me.'"


Full story: http://www.timesonline.com/bct_news/news_details/article/1373/2010/january/19/ex-mistress-says-tx-minister-admitted-killing-wife.html[

[CZBZ]

Ya know, and this baffles me---when a man talks about killing his wife, why oh why does the 'mistress' listen and do nothing??? So great...now Bulls is telling 'all' but how could you possibly make love to a married man who plots about killing his wife?

 


The stuff that man was saying to her! Maybe she was scared...


Hugs,
CZ

[Flower]

Not to justify that woman failing to report him, I am thinking that maybe he was like a guru to her or went through something like what is called the "Stockholm Syndrome."
Here's a quote from the article:

"Bulls said she never reported his plans or the murder to authorities because she was afraid of exposing the affair that she said began about two months before Kari Baker's 2006 death. Bulls, 27, also said she was afraid of being arrested for not stopping Baker."

That's a good question, CZ,: "How could you possibly make love to a married man who plots about killing his wife?"  I don't have the answer to that one!  From the article, she had blocked it out, or in her words, "tried not to think about it?" WTH?

What also is a "aha" moment in my mind is how egostical this maN with actually saying how God forgave him.

And remembering back from my trying to make sense of the N-puzzle about N-supply and how someone who is supposed to be a "love of their life" is so easily replaced, here's another quote from the story:


Although she and Baker had looked at houses, he quickly found a new girlfriend when he moved to Kerrville with his daughters that summer, Bulls testified.


  It goes to show how easily they can replace people like a pair of shoes.

[CZBZ]

"Although she and Baker had looked at houses, he quickly found a new girlfriend when he moved to Kerrville with his daughters that summer, Bulls testified."

Another good point, Flower! One reason why an abuser seeks 'relocation' is to further disable his 'wife'. Her ties to the community are broken and she is left without resources which empowers him and disables her. In a less pathological description, a couple might be avoiding serious issues in their relationship by focusing on a new home, a new life, a new community.

IN a pathological description though, relocating serves the narcissist's needs. He avoids ruining his image in the old neighborhood with friends and family. If he can move away, he doesn't have to face public humiliation for being irresponsible, infidel, whatever.

I've noticed that quite a few people moved to a new home prior to finding out their partner was sleeping with someone else. It's such a betrayal! For the 'betrayed' (like myself), a new home has significant meaning as increased commitment, shared success, a long-term and reliable relationship. At least for myself, I viewed a 'new home' as re-commitment to family and retirement. This was very hard for me to work through and I felt like an idiot for selling our home and moving to a different city. I didn't see any warning signs of infidelity or lack of commitment at the time, though in hindsight, there were red flags all over the place. When a partner says he or she NEEDS SPACE, they may be articulating an unconscious (or conscious) desire to separate. Silly me...I thought he wanted extra room for his hobbies and family reunions. 

Had we remained in the same neighborhood where "I" had established close relationships with intimate friends and neighbors, perhaps I wouldn't be here typing messages. Far better for the 'truth' to come out when the narcissist had less to lose.

Hugs,
CZ

p.s. Losing a family home, financial stability, etc. is painful for anyone. But losing one's IMAGE is life-threatening for a narcissist. I believe "The Grandiose Self Image' is fundamental to the distinction between NPD and sociopathy.

[Flower]

A rational person would think that buying a new home with one's partner would signify a commitment and most likely, does not view their partner as irrational, let alone, "narcissistic."

I remember when coworker N bought a rather large home with his new wife, broadcasting to the office staff that he did so to please his wife, who always wanted a large home.  Was this the truth? No way! He was posturing his image with the rising entrepreuners of the community to prove that he had money as well.  I am sure his wife thought he was dedicated to their new life together.

It wasn't very long afterwards that a certain acquintance found him with a much younger woman at a local community function. When questioned, "Where's your wife? He came up with the answer, "She didn't want to go, as she is too busy?" Uh-huh!  Translation: "She is busy with the house and I didn't inform her."

If more people where I lived believed that "What you see isn't necessarily what you get",   , then I wouldn't be here engaged in forensic psychologic discussions typing about narcissists and psychopaths.

Hug, Flower

[CZBZ]

Good Story, Flower! My X also told people he had to buy a McMansion to please his wife (which is ridiculous. He is the one who needed the 'trophy'). It's so funny because we lived in all kinds of housing throughout our marriage, finally ending up on an estate in California. What did it take to convince me to leave our modest home? He promised me an art studio and lots of space for family reunions. He also insisted my newly divorced sister and her son move in. We put them in the West Wing. LOLLOL...and then, he left.

It was pretty funny to hear back from people that "I" could never be pleased or that ''he" worked his fingers to the bone to provide for his materialistic wife. You know, the woman on scaffolding painting her own rain gutters? LOLLOL!!!!

However, let me be very clear and honest about money not guaranteeing happiness: It's much better to be wealthy...you can put up with a lot if you don't have to worry about your budget. 

Those infidel middle-aged men are so full of themselves. You're probably laughing at them as much as I do now. They will say ANYTHING to make their wife appear to be crazy, spoiled rotten, demanding and shrewish. Why do they do that? Because society believes it and therefore, they can get away with lying-through-their-teeth. And with a narcissist, the more they tell people their tall tales, the more the narcissist begins to believe his lies are true.

That's my two cents.


Hugs,
CZ

[Flower]

"You're probably laughing at them as much as I do now."
  *CZ*

Now I am! Although, I can remember there was a time when I was not laughing. In those days, I was much more trusting and not a clue about narcissism.
I worked with a narcissist for years and it wasn't until around three years ago that I was seriously questioning his behavior. And I realized there was something seriously wrong about this person.  I did not dare to voice my suspicion to anyone.  If I did, he would have been defended, even though he was known as a big
flirt and a "ladies' man." Most narcissists excel in keeping up their image and triangulation.  And when he got married, it was, well, he just finally settled down. Nah! He was just more covert and said in a kidding voice, "I am going to have to do my playing in another county."

 "They will say ANYTHING to make their wife appear to be crazy, spoiled rotten, demanding and shrewish.".
*CZ*

It isn't only their wives, it can be their girlfriends as well.  Over the years, Coworker-N went through a string of women and they were always "crazy" or too demanding or controlling.  It was NEVER him.  This "blame" trait carried over into his marriage. It wasn't until long afterward, he was complaining about how
obsessive his wife was and even called her "nuts." When trying to get him to explain, he would say, "She just is." Anyone who has the kahounas to disagree with a narcissist is labeled crazy or nuts, which he does to purge himself of any fault.   His image is everything.

Hug, Flower

[CZBZ]

You're right of course. Narcissists accuse any X of being 'crazy'---even girlfriends.

Crazy as in:'expecting to be treated with respect'.

Crazy as in: 'cracked' like a broken mirror. 

When a midlife narcissist feels dissatisfied with life, worried about old-age dependency, is burdened with adult responsibilities to care for elderly parents, confronted by his lack of $uccess as defined by a materialistic culture, does not achieve the impossible expectations of his or her career and/or goals, discovers he or she is just like everyone else (not-so-special after all), he becomes depressed and lonely and desperate. Anyone reminding him that he's gettin' older, becomes a 'threat' to his self-Image. Instead of working through the psychological dynamics of maturation, the narcissist gets stuck. Some of us didn't see 'pathological' behavior until the midlife transition.

Now, if the narcissist has a rather happy partner at home (autobiographical comment, ha!) who is not a narcissist and worked through her aging process ON SCHEDULE, she will not reflect the narcissist's inner state of being for him. He'll find someone who understands his pitiable state because his wife's happiness triggers his pathological envy.

If you are happy, the narc will get ya for it. IF he can't have your happiness, he'll destroy it instead. It's much easier to do that than to Get Happy. If he knew how to Get Happy, he'd have done it so the best way to divert envious feelings is to destroy the good object. And if she actually HELPED him overcome his issues to some degree, he will HATE her for it. Truly hate her for being capable in a way he is not.

Or perhaps his wife is the one who is depressed because she's plumb worn out and expects her husband to get a friggin' grip on his adolescent fantasies. She needs to go, if that's the case. He won't be able to tolerate seeing a broken mirror, either.

It may also be true that a long-term partner, who sees the narcissist as mortal and fallible, 'mirrors' his greatest fears. The more she accepts his failures and mistakes and encourages him to work through them like any ordinary person would do, the more vulnerable and dependent he feels. He definitely needs another mirror who will see him through 'idealizing' eyes, the way his wife saw him when they first fell in love. Once a woman, who expects intimacy and emotional connection, finally realizes her maN has a problem, he'll have to get rid of that 'cracked' 'mirror, too.

There is a pattern to their madness: the minute a woman sees through his 'facade', she becomes public enemy number one. Maybe she won't know it for a long time, but the narcissist is already looking for an idealizing partNer. That sad thing is that our culture has reinforced the notion of the soulmate, leading a woman to believe she is 'special' when a maN professes his love too soon. We silence our natural intuition in favor of magical thinking...

The story you posted still haunts me. What Was the Woman Thinking? Maybe what he was saying was so unfathomable to her that she couldn't process it. She excused it as 'exaggeration' of his 'desperation'. Sometimes people say they'd like to 'kill their partner' but they'd never do a thing like that...perhaps to her, he was blowing off steam. At some point though (after he had completely suckered her in to his Pity Story), she realized he was dangerous. Like I say, it's not hard to Get In a relationship with a narc. What's hard is Getting Out.


Hugs,
CZ