low self-esteem

[peartree]

hi guys, wanted to recommend some books if anyone suffering from low self esteem.
anything by CHERI HUBER been invaluable to me. especially "there is nothing wrong with you" and "the key is willingness". worth their weight in gold. i handed my N my self esteem on a plate and made the health of it dependant on his approval. then of course once devalued my self esteem went too. these books are helping enormously !
hugs
peartree xxxx
i am going on a trip this weekend where i may bump into N (we have shared interests) so feeling v anxious about it but determined to be strong and stick to my boundaries. polite and then swift exit seem sensible !!!!

[CZBZ]

Hi Peartree,


I haven't read Cheri Huber's books, so thanks for the recommendation! This is a wikipedia link listing every book she's written and wow, this woman is busy!

With all the new research on narcissists proving that they do NOT have low self-esteem, but a high self-esteem instead, it's not so bad to admit to having lower self-esteem than what we might consider to be healthy. Folks with low self-esteem are some of the kindest people you could ever know and love. The problem is when people with low self-esteem meet up with narcissists who take advantage of them! Most people wouldn't. Most people would set limits, create boundaries, and never ever in a million years, use another person's vulnerability to serve themselves. A lot of folks with low self-esteem meet up with someone who is NOT a narcissist and they start feeling all kinds of better about themselves. Healthy relationships work wonders  restoring (or creating) a healthy sense of self.

Good luck this weekend! If you feel anxious seeing him (and who wouldn't??!!) or he approaches you directly (which he might), prepare yourself with a memorized script. Figure out what you'll do and what you'll say and then you can follow through without being 'stunned' and 'frozen' to the spot! Don't just promise yourself to be strong---create a plan of some kind! anyway, I found that it was very useful to think through Plan A, B, and even C for potential scenarios. That's because I tend to Freeze Up, which only makes me a sitting duck for narcissist's arrows and bullets. I can't THINK when they ambush me. I have to think it through in advance and let my body go on remote control.

If you want people to help you create Plan A, B and C, we might be able to come up with viable alternatives for when your brain freezes on the spot. hahaha!!! I know this space only toooooooooooooooooooooo well!


Hugs,
CZ

[SusyP14]

Thanks for the book recommendations.  They look interesting.  I will add them to my Amazon list of 150 pending books to buy!!!  So many books, so little time!!!

[peartree]

Thanks CZ for ace advice.
Have a few set phrases i can use sorted in my head which will hopefully stand me in good stead.hoping he'll ignore me and i've been devalued and deleted etc but who knows ! maybe he doesnt have any other sources of narcississtic supply at moment so will give me another prod !!
i think being polite then a swift exit a good plan or owning the fact  i asked him not to contact me (which he agreed to) and reminding him of that. not sure if he will be playing the victim or will get angry. sure dont want to get on wrong side of him so quick exit essential i think.
will write on the board when i get bk and let u know how i've got on.
hugs peartree

[RB22]

Peartree,

I run into X every so often... we share 4 kids after all.  I nod, maybe say Hi, and keep walking.  If I have to speak... I speak about the 3 kids that speak to him. (4th kid has asked that I do not share her info with him) or the weather and walk away.

With his wife..... I just keep walking... she is nothing to me, Whatever she has to say, I don't need to hear. 

One thing I have learned about my X, He does not like it when people he doesn't know think badly of him.... IT truly bothers him... so he would NOT cause a scene.  His wife is a different story..... she THRIVES on being in the middle of a scene... to the point of causing it by getting loud at whoever she wants to.   I don't like being in the spotlight so I ignore her and walk. 

She is not my friend, I do not need to say hi or make small talk with her.  And I will stick by these boundaries for myself.

Hugs,

RB

[peartree]

thanks RB. boundaries so important and i have a history of not keeping them with this N which he knows only too well so need to be extra strong no matter what crap he comes up with.
thanks a mill for lovely lovely support !
peartree x x x

[eyes_up]

Hi Pear Tree, I would make sure to not look for him as in help yourself not in making accidental eye contact.

It is good to hear that you are grounded in self rather than the other persoN. No matter what ones self esteem is, being planted in one own being like an oak rooted in its perfect soil means the tree can branch out and survive and thrive and be apart of an entire garden. Wouldn't ask an oak to lean into a rose bush for stability and a sense of Oakness.

eyes

[peartree]

hi eyes up
what wise advice thank you !!
peartree x