Divorcing N

[SEFG]

Had a bit of a rough day, was positive about things but think my doc was assuming things would get worse (cause of divorce), which I know often times they do.  oh well.. my life, & I choose to remain happy.
I like my doc, but just felt a little down after talking with him.

[CZBZ]

Hi SEFG,


Maybe your doctor assumes you are leaving the relationship without giving it serious consideration? I don't know why people assume every divorce is caused by a simple misunderstanding and lack of communication.

What a lot of people don't realize though, is how hard it is to actually separate from someone we loved. It is very stressful and there are days when you want to go back to the 'old routine' rather than deal with the situation. Usually though, when we have been disrespected, treated poorly, abused, emotionally manipulated, etc. etc. etc., we've already been through a war---we just didn't call it divorce. We called it 'marriage'. Being disrespected and 'put down' in a marriage is extremely hard on your health, too.

The doctor is probably worried about your health but if he realized how you'd been treated by your husband, and how this impacted your self-esteem and self-respect, he'd support your divorce and congratulate you for taking good care of yourself.

Hugs,
CZ

[RB22]

SEFG,

Most Drs have seen the effects of stress on their patients first hand... and know the damage it can do to one's health.  And for the average patient, in a non-narc marriage, getting a divorce would be MORE stressful than the marriage, your Dr would be right to be worried.

But living with a N, if we made it this far, Our bodies had to come up with coping skills to handle that stress that someone in an average marriage doesn't get the opportunity to develop.  Aren't we lucky?  Your Dr doesn't know this, yet...but you are one strong lady.

Your Dr. cares about you.... and the stress on your body.  What he doesn't see or realize that by divorcing N you are actually lessening your day to day stress level in your life.  But he will see it... AFTER it all happens, You'll go back next year and he will get a chance to see just how wrong he was.

Hugs,

RB

[RB22]

((((SEFG)))) 

At times like these I have the urge to tell people  " You opinion is none of my business" .  So If I am outta line... you can tell me... 

I do hope today finds you feeling a bit better.

more hugs,

RB

[CZBZ]

Dear SEFG,


People who did worse after divorce lived Pre-Internet. That's my opinion and I'm stickin' to it. When people were unable to understand WHY or How come a partner behaved the way they did, they took it personally---beating themselves up for years (internalizing the Shame).

Now that divorce is a 'necessary evil', women take a different view of ending a relationship. Instead of seeing divorce as 'failure' or even 'rejection', we see it as 'freedom' from abuse and misery.

As kind as your doctor is, he may well underestimate the power of the internet to bring people together in ways that were unheard of before!


Hugs,
CZ

[CZBZ]

Internet. As in 'before the Internet was invented, people were isolated.' The internet brings people together so we can share our experiences with each other and end that horrible feeling that  nobody would ever understand what you went through!



ha!


Big hugs,


CZ

[CZBZ]

p.s. The narcissist 'idealizes' marriage but he doesn't Value marriage. We may highly 'value' the ideal of marriage as a partnership and that's why we WORK so hard to achieve our ideal. Narcissist give lip service to the ideal of marriage but if they really and truly valued that marriage, they'd work their butts off to create a loving relationship. That's the irreconcilable truth about Ns and Non-Ns. To them, marriage is an idea, like a concept and they expect to possess it without any sacrifices. Their value shows up in glaring truth when they are unwilling to do whatever it takes to achieve their professed Ideal. If it's work, it just ain't worth it to them....they'd rather spend their energy looking for love in all the wrong places than creating love at home. gggggrrrrr.....eventually we catch on though. Eventually we realize that what WE want and what the Ns want are just NOT compatible!


Hugs,
CZ