Im new to this site. With N for 4 years-married for a year and a half

[~Solo]

Hi all:

I did it again.  I types a response to each of you and I timed out!  I'll just make a quick thank you to you since it's late and expand later.  "Thank you"!!!!!!!

[LDW]

Go CZ, go CZ, go CZ! Solo... she's only warming up 

[peartree]

hiyah,
one thing i found helped with general and prolonged confusion about my interactions and feelings with a N was reading about a term called "gaslighting" which is a subtle but v powerful and horrid form of abuse that Ns specialise in.google it, theres lots of good articles about it. Ns dont operate out of a conscience or anything resembling normal human emotions !
hugs
peartree

[honeybearII]

Peartree, we talk a lot on this site about gaslighting which IS horrible.  It is a web of lies and deceit that causes a person to truly wonder if there is something wrong with their minds. 

My exNH was particularly good at it, and it took the whole 32 years of that marriage to finally beat me down into someone who was depressed, angry, and felt like a jealous witch.  Although I KNEW in my gut that things were "off", he was an incredibly masterful liar.  He could make me believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was pure as the driven snow and I was the one with the problems.  About 17 or 18 years into the marriage, I actually went to a counselor because I thought I was going crazy.  He could convince me that we had been places and done things that I could not for the life of me remember.  He could even tell me what I was wearing and where we were.  He could relate conversations we never had but do it in such a way, actually telling me what I said, that I began to doubt my own memory and my own ability to remember.  It was so bad, that we had one of those silly marriage comments couples get into.  An incident like that would happen, he would cite chapter and verse of where we were, what I said, etc. etc. etc.  When I would say, "Gosh, I don't remember that at all", he would laugh and say, "Must have been some other broad".  We would both laugh then, but little did I know, IT WAS SOME OTHER BROAD.  He had been carrying on with other women for YEARS before I finally caught him in the act in my own home, and all the lies, manipulation, and deceits finally came out.

And you know what?  I have not had ONE INCIDENT of not remembering something since I left him.  NOT ONE.

Gaslighting is a TERRIBLE thing to do to a person in order to cover up our own secrets.
Honey

[SusyP14]

 
Gaslighting is a TERRIBLE thing to do to a person in order to cover up our own secrets.
Honey

Mine like to gaslight just to make me think that I was crazy to make me scared and nervous.  At least if they are gaslighting to cover up their tracks, there is a REASON for it.  Not that is is ok, but at least you can understand it.  Mine would tell me bat shite crazy stuff like my neighbor was looking in the window (he wasn't my neihbor was 90 years old, half blind and in a walker - too bad narc boy didn't know that before trying to scare me).  Told me found pictures and letters in my petsitters dresser where she was a lesbian.  Well why would I care about that?  When I did not react, he would:  just kidding. etc., etc. etc.  His gaslighting was pure omnipotence and to make scared so he could control me.  What a nut job.

[~Solo]

Good morning all,

I will try to remember just what I typed yesterday that I lost!

Susy-I too can relate to the love addiction stuff.  It's a tough pill to know that you may not make the best love decisions.... Thanks for the links!

Eyes-I went to a CODA meeting three times in one week during another angle of figuring out what my/our problems were.  I, of course trying for the longest time to work on me.  I never went back after that week because I didn't feel like it was for me.  I saw a lot of defeat. I actually felt like helping others-I didn't even think about myself at that point.  Not what I needed...

CZ-Yes, he uses his anger to keep me from disagreeing, talking, questioning, etc.  Then, if that's not enough, he'll pick up an item and actually throw it or act as though he will explode and throw it.  Two days ago, he acted like a three year old - screaming, holding clenching fists, and turning red in the face.  And NO, no 12 step program because, as he says, "I (he) don't have a problem, all guys do it, and I only uses it a 2-3 times a month".  The thing that makes this difficult is that my N is so charming and has the best social skills, shows such care for everyone, is so loving to dogs and kids, etc.  Just how could I assume that he's so far down the rabbit hole of Narcissism?  It really screws with my head.  I feel "crazy" for thinking the worst.  I admit, I have always been suspicious of his nature since we met.  I don't know why I stayed when I had doubts (something for me to look at on my own).  I guess because when I'd mention to him, "I don't know about you... you seem to be like this or that", he'd respond in a way making me see that he is such a great guy.  And, how could I argue with literally everyone we see that he knows basically congratulating me on such a grand catch!!

Blue Sky- Congrats to you on your hard work.  It must have been very difficult to leave him considering you were dealing with your own stuff.  It appears to be keeping me here longer than I should have been!

Honey- You are unbelievable in what you endured.  I DON"T know how you made it!  It's only been four years for me and my hair is falling out!  I have been saying to my N husband that actions are louder than words too.  It's true... He claims to be changing and doing what I want, but really he isn't.  He "appears to be.  Again, I get lost in what the reality is and most times feel guilt later for being too hard on him as he suggests time and time again.  AND-you are right about the underground movement.  When I found porn for the first time in our home computer, I have NEVER found it again!  He has his laptop and never even uses the home computer anymore.  Also, he takes the laptop with him everywhere (but how dare I suggest he's some pervert jerking off somewhere to images on his laptop-as he puts it?).  It's funny because he finally just admitted to me that he uses it from time to time.  I didn't find it.  That confuses me.  Why did he make himself out to be a liar since he's been telling me for years that he doesn't use, told me he wouldn't, said I don't trust and believe him, etc.?????  Doesn't make sense and makes him look bad. 

Peartree-I'll read more on gaslighting... Seems appropriate.

~Solo

[SusyP14]

Solo,

Here is a recent article I posted on gaslighting:

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6656.0.html