Finally decided to leave and need support

[wannabehappy]

I have been with my narcissist for 10 years.  I have finally realized that I must leave, that I will never be happy in this relationship.  I could really use some support, advice, anything to keep me going.  Please respond and I will write more.

I will write more now in hopes for a response.  I live on a rollercoaster, walking on eggshells, never know when my husband will explode.  I can't even think straight anymore.  I know if I could just focus, I could make a plan to get out. 

I think we will forever fight about kids and money.  I have a son and he has 2 from a prior marriage.  Mine is 11 and his are 18 and 21.  I have a great job.  He has a business that he says will make it big someday.  Meanwhile, we have no money, unless I bail us out, again. 

I admit that I used to complain.  I have not done so in years.  Instead, I hold it in and try and be happy and think that things are finally getting better until one day when he just goes off on something I had no idea of.  It's like he can't just be happy.  I do not know what else to do with this marriage.  We have tried counseling.  I have left him for months at a time.  When I leave, he falls apart, begs for us to return, promising change.  And things do change at first.  Now we are back where we were and I just can't do it anymore and he just pretends like all is well.

[SydneyFireworks]

Hi wannabehappy... and welcome to the board!

You will find people here who have been through relationships with Ns lasting from a few months, up to 30 or more years, so you're sure to find plenty of validation, support and advice.

It's great that you have reached the point of knowing you must extricate yourself from the N-relationship if you are to have happiness in the future.   

Are you almost ready to leave, or are you still lining up your ducks in a row?

There are many members here who have been through that process and will be able to support and advise. 

Again, welcome... and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Hugs 
Syd

[wannabehappy]

Thanks for the reply.  I did write more above.  I am still just thinking of lining things up.  I feel so stuck.  It's easier to just pretend to be OK.

[SusyP14]

Hi Wannabe,

Welcome.  You have to the right place for help and support.  I will try to offer you more suggestion, but for now I just wanted to make sure you saw this post from Honey:

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6435.0.html

I think it is one of the most important things I have ever read because this person has already taken 10 years of your life, one incident at a time.  I hope for the sake of your spirit that you do not wake up one day and find that it has been 15 or 20 years.

This is another article that I found BEYOND helpful.  I liked it so much that I broke my own NO MORE BOOKS (until I have read the 15 I already ordered) and ordered her book:  The Doormat Syndrome.  So far it has been super enlightening.  I will post a book review when I am done.  In the meantime, take a look at this:

http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm

Good luck with making the right decision for yourself.  You are worth so much more then what this man is capable of giving.

[wannabehappy]

Thank you for pointing me to Honey's post.  It is really making me see things differently.  I am glad I found this forum and will check back in for sure.

[honeybearII]

Hi, wannabe, and welcome!  I am so sorry you are facing this, but 10 years is a long enough time to figure out that something is "off" in your relationship with this man.  I stuck it out for 32 years with my exNH and I wish, wish WISH that I had had a place like this to come to and to sort it all out. 

Being with an N is like being a gerbil on a wheel.  We go around and around and around and never seem to get anywhere.  Things will be wonderful for a time, and then POOF! out of the blue they get something in their heads - be it a new job, a new hobby, a new friendship, a new affair - and everything is turned upside down.  We also know that if we stick it out, a kind of equilibrium will balance things out again and the N-games will remain dormant for a time.  But after 32 years of this, I will tell you that THIS IS THE NORM.  It will NEVER get any better.  They will NEVER change.  No amount of therapy (did that), tears (did that), separation (did that) or stuffing down our feelings (did that) will make one iota of a difference or prompt any change in a narcissist.  The person who changes over the years is US.  I went from a warm, loving, funny, smart woman to a paranoid, repressed, desperate-for-love pathetic excuse for a person who had a TERRIBLE time leaving my H even after finding him in my home with someone.  I had lost myself so completely that I thought I couldn't exist without him in my life.

But leave him, I did.  And now, almost 6 years post-N, I am remarried to a wonderful man, happy, like myself again, and am a whole human being who has relearned how to claim my life FOR MYSELF. 

Honey

[CZBZ]

Dear wannabehappy,


It has taken ten years to reach this choice point, be gentle with yourself while you make a decision. Learn as much as you can about narcissism and the 'real lives' of those who have lived with narcissists. Talk through each experience you have that leaves you confused, or upset, or wondering if YOU caused the problem. Study information about emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. Understand that no matter how strong or 'normal' a person might be, repetitive explosions (such as you mentioned in your message) wear us down. We lose our self-confidence, self-respect, some of us suffer traumatic stress symptoms.

If you are 'walking on eggshells', there is something very, very wrong in your relationship---whether your husband has a personality disorder or not. With normal relationships, there's no such thing as walking on eggshells---because we can trust the other person. I wonder though, has your husband sought counseling or anger-management treatment on his own? Couples counseling isn't enough for an abusive relationship. The abuser MUST seek treatment himself and take 100% of the responsibility for his behavior. The problem with couples counseling is that both partners are 50% responsible for the problems. You can see how a narcissist would interpret couple's treatment as a way to offload HIS responsibility onto his partner! So be very cautious with couples counseling if you suspect your partner is narcissistic. Individual therapy is definitely the best way to help him and yourself.

Would you say that he is verbally abusive? Does he promise to stop speaking to you like that and after a period of time, he repeats the same behavior? And how long after you were married did the 'eruptions' start?

I'm glad you found our forum, wannabehappy. We want you to be happy, too. 

Hugs,
CZBZ

[Freezer Burned]

Wanna,

First of all, don't give him a head's up on your misgivings about the relationship or about your plans. Try to be moved out before the drama begins. You said you can't think straight anymore, so you definitely don't need more distraction. He might pick up on your "moving on" vibe anyway, so try to maintain an "everything is fine" attitude.

Maybe you have heard the saying about how to eat an elephant - one bite at a time. If it's too overwhelming to think up a whole plan, can you think of ONE thing that must be done towards getting out of there? As long as you can keep making one decision at a time about ONE thing that needs to be done it will all get done eventually.

Taking a walk can clear your head, especially when you are living in an N den. And when you are in the house with the N, stay at least 20 feet away from him as much as possible, Ns give off chaos vibes.

[wannabehappy]

I tried to avoid a confrontation and it happened anyway.  We had a huge fight, he started by blaming me for everything, yelling, kicking me out, throwing things.  I conceded, say yes you’re right, I’m not happy, don’t think we’re good together.  Then he says oh no, didn’t mean it, love you, it’s my fault, we’ll be OK.  Then had the same old fight over the same old things, money and kids.  We go to bed mad.  Next day he’s up cleaning and happy and pretends nothing happened.  Says he’s sorry and he loves me and things will be OK.  He says all marriages have fights.  I say not like this.  He’ll now be in this happy mode for who knows how long.  Guess it’s easier to live with than the azzhole he’s been for weeks.  What a rollercoaster.

On a happier note, my son and I went away for the night on Saturday and had a great time visiting family and friends.  We both wish they weren't all an hour and a half away from us though.  It was such a great feeling to get away.  It was like I walked out of the this cloud and was truly happy and fun for a day.  I would really like to live near them all, but do not think I could get a job there making even half of what I do.   

[CZBZ]

Dear wannabehappy,

Have you studied the Abuse Cycle? Once the perpetrator has vented his emotions and 'put his partner in her place', he suddenly becomes Mr. Nice guy. I get the sense you've been through this hundreds of times already. so had I. At least you're seeing the pattern: http://www.ocalynchburg.com/domestic_violence/what_is_dv.htm


Hugs,
CZ

[wannabehappy]

I just read it for the first time.  It fits but I never thought about like that cuz he has never actually hit me. I fear it when he yells and throws stuff but he never crosses that line.  The cycle is my life for the past ten years.  He had me thinking it was me.

[CZBZ]

The mistake a lot of us make is assuming the Abuse Cycle only applies to physical violence. Now that verbal abuse is being talked about (verbal abuse may even be more detrimental to our psychological health than physical abuse), it's important to recognize the same relational pattern:

     *Apologies and 'flowers' for awhile coupled with deceptively honest promises.

     *A period of calm as we 'HOPE' for the best and the perpetrator restrains his or her emotions. It's common for an abuser who fears his partner will leave, to repress his anger through sheer will-power. This leads to an accumulation of resentment and even more anger, thus creating tension.

     *The 'victim' senses the tension building and whether conscious or not, realizes the pattern is coming full circle again. The unexpressed (un-confronted tension) leads to 'walking on eggshells' because we know intuitively that things are getting ready to 'blow'.

     *The perpetrator cannot restrain his anger any longer and begins seeing the victim as having Power and Control over him---forcing him to behave the way SHE wants or else. At a certain point, the perpetrator erupts in a 'venting' spree which is meant to put her back in her place for controlling him. His anger however, threatens the relationship and when the victim refuses to put up with his behavior, he suddenly feels better (why not? She just got a rash of insults and he feels better now that she doesn't).

     *At this point, because he fears the relationship ending, he appears to be penitent and sorry. We, on the other hand, also fear the relationship ending and so we enter a stage of 'denial' rather than hold the abuser accountable. It is easier to 'hope and cope' than it is to end the relationship.


Unfortunately, the underlying problems are never resolved and the cycle continues indefinitely. The narcissist maintains his sense of control and power by Erupting in verbal abuse and we lose our sense of safety, trust, and self-respect by falsely forgiving the abuser and believing that this time, he will change.

This cycle can be applied to all relationships (even those we might not label 'abusive'). What I have finally come to understand is how the Tension in my family-of-origin tracks along the same cycle. This was the set-up that was familiar to me as a child and extremely hard for me to 'see' as an adult. It was kinda like being a fish in water. I couldn't see the water for the longest time. With my X however, the verbal abuse was nothing like I'd ever experienced and I lacked the skills to cope with it. So I reverted to coping skills as a child: avoid the issue, ignore, excuse, rationalize and deny. Once I could see the same pattern, it was easier for me to face the fact that unless an abuser is taking responsibility for himself and seeking treatment, the future would be exactly like the past. 

One of the most dangerous things that happens is that 'we' lose our sense of safety and respect. Overtime, even if the abuser promises to change and begs our forgiveness, the impact of his sudden eruptions alters our ability to trust others or ourselves. This erodes our self-esteem making it more and more difficult to face reality and end the relationship.

Hugs,
CZ

[wannabehappy]

I'm still with my N.  Guess I haven't truly decided to leave.  I have not worked on this marriage either.  My mind is a mess.  I just cannot get myself to really push the issue and make the move towards divorce.  I am not a weak person, but I am feeling like one now.  On a typical day, I go work and am fine and don't think about marriage.  Then I come home and the N watches sports and I play on the computer and my son plays video games.  We are not a the family I hoped for.  Something has to change.   He is begging me to give it another go.  Just this past weekend I thought maybe I had it in me to give it one more chance.  I am just so confused.  I would be better off financially if I left.  He would lose everything.  The guilty is one thing that holds me back.  How do I just decide...

[RB22]

Wannabehappy,

You WILL KNOW when the time has come to make a move.  Trust yourself.  In the meantime please take some steps to form a plan for when leaving is your option.

And please take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, financially, as much as you possibly can.

Welcome,

and Hugs,

RB

[CZBZ]

That's okay, wannabehappy. I'm so glad you returned to the forum to talk with us. Knowing there are people you can share your life with is a big help all by itself. I hope you have some friends at work or in the neighborhood, too. The more isolated you become, the harder it is to feel good about yourself...so come back and talk anytime. There's no pressure here. No timelines and we don't tell people what to do either. It's completely your choice. You're the only person who really knows how much you can handle or whether your relationship is tolerable or not.

It takes courage to come back and say you changed your mind, wannabehappy. Don't worry though---we each know (as RB22) wrote, when it's time to end the relationship. It's much, much better to prepare yourself before you leave rather than blowing it up.

The guilt thing? Well, that's a challenge for everyone even if the narcissist is the one who left. It sounds like your husband is a pleader, a guy who makes huge promises because he doesn't want you to leave and yet, when you are there, he pushes you away? Like a Come Here-Go Away sort of guy? Is that fairly accurate?


Hugs,
CZ

[cheriblossom12]

Hi wannabe...and welcome from me too...

i am so happy you found this forum... i have known a few of these ladies for several years and they helped me survive the breakup with my psychopath.. even worse
than just a plain old N....

the thought of leaving is the first step in the process... i know how hard it is to leave.. break up the family.. perhaps be alone... not an easy one to swallow..
you have invested 10 yrs...

the good news is.. that you are the one with the good job... and you will be more able to leave than if you were dependent on him...
take your time.. get the ducks in a row... and when you are ready you will make the changes necessary for your happiness...

i will say.. that for me.. i was so afraid of being alone... but.. after a while.. i found being alone was quite wonderful... actually had never been happier...
stayed away from men for years not wanting to rock the balance of my happy state of mind..

be true to yourself.. do not feel guilty... we do ourselves and our kids a favor when we do what is right for us.. we send the message out to the universe that we
want the best life possible..

we are all here for you..

cheri

[practicaljude]

Hi wannabehappy,

I just want to give you a big (((hug))) and tell you how good it is to have you here.  Whether you leave him or not, this is a safe place to come and talk about your journey.  I did, however, recopy a thread about "tips for leaving" and will add old posts to it (some valuable advice).  Should you begin to set things in motion, these are some ideas to throw around.  Your psychological and physical health are key factors when contemplating leaving. No need to rush out the door unprepared unless it's essential to your safety.

Nice to have you here,
 
Judy

[Freezer Burned]

Something has to change. . .  I am just so confused. . . .  The guilty is one thing that holds me back.  How do I just decide...

He won't be what changes, except for the worse. Ns get worse with age. Verbal abusers often become physically abusive eventually.

Confusion - it's finally dawning on you how awful your life has been, it's sooooo difficult to believe it really is that awful.

Guilt - you have been trying for ten years, he is the one that is hard to live with.

Deciding - make a dirty laundry list, a pro-con list, and a list of Dealbreakers.

Also - you may want to delete the computer history each time you visit here.

[RB22]

The other thing you may want to do is have your computer (and phone) checked for spyware... mine had a keylogger device installed on it...something the antivirus/spyware programs didn't find... because it was a hardware issue..not a software issue... although that was there to... because it matched the hardware.. it was skipped over by the programs designed to detect it. 

Of course this was 7 years ago... a lot has changed with computers. 

And phones can be remotely activated by someone who added a spyware program on them... the person doing the installing can access your phone at any time... it acts like a microphone transmitting anything it hears to the stalker... it can also take video/pics... etc... remotely. 

There was an article on our local telelvision station about this.... it is designed to catch cheaters.... but it also allows people to stalk someone. 

Hugs,

RB

[RB22]

From what I can gather the only way to get rid of the spyware is to have the phone (equivilant of a computer dumping it's information)  I can't think of the word. Then have the phone programs reinstalled... and usually the only places to get everything off the phones computer this way.. is the company that sold you the phone.  In other words until you dump ALL the information and reinstall the phone information from a non-tainted source  the spyware will stay on your phone.    Switching out a phone can do the same thing.... but not if you keep your sim card... and the spyware CAN be located on the sim card. 

That is the reason a lot of cell phone companies are keeping back ups of customer information, not just on the customers phone. 

RB