The time has come........

[~Solo]

Tomorrow is the day I go ahead and sign my lease.  I'm full of so many thoughts and feelings.  Guilt being one of them.  I'm fearful but tired of being left (told he wants a divorce), pulled back in (feel like a total yoyo), ignored, etc...then cycle stars all over.  I have to be strong and know that there has to be a better way and even if that means coming to the fact that I have been "unhealthy".  I need to GET healthy!    Wish me well...so much sadness......  Maybe now, my hair that I lost will grow back (yes!-my hair has been falling out!) and I will gain a few pounds back.

Thanks for all the info and support from each of you thus far.  It has been very helpful.  ~Solo  

[SydneyFireworks]

Solo - Sending you hugs and good luck from downunder.  I think we should have a lease-signing party!   

You don't have to BE strong ... you already ARE!

Hugs
Syd

PS If you want some more pounds, you can have some of mine.  I got 'em to spare!

[Jacintae]

Hi Solo

Thinking of you today.

Hope it all goes well.

Love

Jac xx

[ranger]

Hi solo - I just wanted to say good luck and to push through your fears..keep going..you can do it!
During my divorce I lost tons of hair and weight - gobs of hair would follow out. But it grew back!
Change is scary and it makes you want to run back to what you are familiar with "even if it's unhealthy"...
Remember to take care of you...eat and sleep...you are important and wonderful...

Ranger

[Litha]

Congratulations solo, you should mark this day on the calendar so you can celebrate it next year. There will be much sadness, but try to focus on how much better your life will be 1 year from now.

[CZBZ]

I am wishing you well today, solo. I'm also wishing a happy life for you in the future. A life that allows you to be the good person you are without self-doubt and criticism and the confusion of 'abuse' pretending to be 'love'. Signing that lease will gift you with a new start on life---without the anxiety that makes yer hair fall out and your weight plummet. do this for YOU and let the N do whatever he has to do to get his OWN life in order. 


Hugs,
CZ

[RB22]

Sending good thoughts your way, solo.   and the day before St. Patricks day is a fitting one to rid your life of snakes.

Hugs,

RB

[~Solo]

Thank you everyone!   is what I look forward to.  

No more doubt, suspicion on my part (it stinks to always wonder why things don't add up), akward hours of night (never a set schedule) due to my N having a job (his business) that has crazy hours and days, not to mention he doesn't sleep well (if I weren't around-he'd go to bed at around 12), no more unfinished projects in the house, no more restless (three big) dogs getting dirt and hair everywhere-don't get me wrong, i love dogs, just not fair to have 'em if you cannot give them what they deserve, as  it appeared that they were attention tools being locked away waiting for the right moment for N to use them (as they were a difficult and beautiful breed to train and have), no more intimate rejection even though N had his own business and kept his own hours BUT always had "so much" going on in his head and his agenda-too much to give me 25 minutes a few days a week??, no more "feeling" alone even when he's next to me, no more wondering why he has so much anxiety and worry, no more Dr. Jekyle and Mr Hyde, no more wondering just how to act around him so as not to make him "uncomfortable" by my affections-he always said, "how about we work on our friendship?", no more feeling crazy for not trusting him, no more walking through airports and him not missing "anyone" who walks within eyesight, no more being made out to be jealous when we go somewhere and he "connects" with someone and talks for a long time as he seems to find something to talk about and in common with just about anyone, no more trying to get him to have dinner with me at home and feeling controlling because of it,  no more watching other couples spend weekends together and feeling guilt that my N and I don't because I have been bad in some way and am being punished or he has things to do-bike ride, work, training for triathlon (last year-took a year and a half for him to train), no more being called names when his frustration builds and he doesn't know what else to do because I will not agree with him because I always have to be right as he says, no more being afraid that he is going to break something, no more experiencing his extremely loud outbursts of anger with me and saying things that would "kill" most people and then telling me I'm the mean one when I have never called him names and fought with him unfairly-just stood my grounds,  no more hearing how he wants to move back by his family (smokescreen for trying to keep distance with me) and me saying ok lets do it, only for him then to find an excuse not to and then blame me for it, no more, no more of him telling what a "good guy" he is and I'll see later when I'm riding the next guy too hard, no more watching him read magazine after magazine in hopes of "making his million", envy of the people who have instead of showing gratitude for our health, beautiful area we live in, friends, current jobs and EACHOTHER, no more feeling like I'm another "wrong" woman for him and seeing that his family feels the same (he has lived away from them for 14 years-they don't really know him as he shows up 3 times a year and helps everyone however he can to be hero then slides out) because he is so unhappy, but they just don't know how he really thinks and operates.  My N's mom is an N from what I can tell and shuts my N off when she is not liking what he has done or said, as is at least two of his brothers, possibly the sister, maybe the father.  I have never seen a family so into their "individuality" and superhuman need to please and do for other people from buying gifts to endless examples.  The running theme when we got married:  "Were happy you found someone who supports YOU".  They all seem to be overly concerned about others supporting THEM.  AND, no more wondering just what he is really doing when he takes his computer with him or has it on in the house facing where I cannot see, no more, no more.  I guess I really don't like him as he has said.  I should have listened to him a long time ago......            

[~Solo]

Sending good thoughts your way, solo.   and the day before St. Patricks day is a fitting one to rid your life of snakes.

Hugs,

RB

What is the significance of that?  I've never heard that before.....

Thanks! ~Solo

[RB22]

St Patrick is attributed with ridding Ireland of snakes. 

[practicaljude]

Thank you for that RN22. I never knew about St. Patrick and the snakes.  And solo, this is a good day, indeed.  There is always a rush of energy on the board when a woman takes a deep breath and a step to be free of all the negativity.  Thank you for sharing it.  What a courageous woman you are.

 
Judy

[SusyP14]

Solo,

Happy Dia de Libertia!!!!

 

I should do a pole and see how many of these narcs keep strange hours.  I almost feel it is part of the abuse cycle to keep us tired and off balance.

Solo, it would not surprise me one bit if you come to find out he had a new source of supply waiting in the wings.  In fact, it would surprise me if did not.

I think this a great step you are taking, but know that you were kicked down a long black hole and it is going to take a while to climb out of it.  In between good days and relief, will be plenty of tears and a long for what you thought you had.  We will be here to  help you.

[tango3]

Good luck Solo.  In time you will realise you did the right thing.
Jerry

[Proud2B]

Solo,
Hang in there.  You're doing the right thing...as difficult as it seems.  My boss, a very wise man, often says the right thing to do is rarely the 'easy' thing to do.

SusyP14, you might be on to something about keeping us tired and off-balance.  My exN used to wake me up in the middle of the night to rant and rave over some stupid thing or another.  It was never a good rant, if you know what I mean.  And his children used to call at all hours because he insisted on them checking in multiple times during the evening.  Never once did he suggest they call his CELL phone.  Nope, it was always the house phone.  And once, when I tried to turn down the ring volume on the phone in the bedroom, he went ballistic.

Sleep deprivation is just one of the tools they use....

Proud2B

[LDW]

Solo,

I lost 6 kilos and yes I also lost my hair, that's two years ago... my hair is back, my weight is back and my sanity. Hang in there, you can do it.

L

[Litha]

I should do a pole and see how many of these narcs keep strange hours.  I almost feel it is part of the abuse cycle to keep us tired and off balance.

Oh yes, my ex-N worked third shift and consequently slept days. His job title was "Master Control Technician." What a perfect job title for an N.

I've noticed too that many of our Ns had or hoped to have their own business, but were not very good at it. They have a strong emotional need to run the show but lack the common sense and maturity to manage intelligently.

[practicaljude]

How's it going solo, solo?

One of my favorite quotes (from the past) goes something like this...(regarding being separated from N)...

I'm so miserable It's almost as if you were still here.

after we taste freedom...

WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?

Everything in time...

About N's odd hours.  I work night shift so, of course, he stayed up when I went to work and spun his web into the wee hours of the morning.  Got the OW out of the house before I got home.  Ask me how much I miss that shite...lol!  But, he tore my heart to shreads before it ended...darn near killed me.  It doesn't take that much to remember the pain and suffering...it's barely tolerable and I almost ended my life. Be strong - you've taken a leap in the freedom path.

 
Judy

[practicaljude]

Master Control Technician." What a perfect job title for an N.

Oh Litha...

This is way too funny.

 
Jude

[peartree]

sending you lots of love at this very trying time !
hugs
peartree xxxx

[SusyP14]

I've noticed too that many of our Ns had or hoped to have their own business, but were not very good at it. They have a strong emotional need to run the show but lack the common sense and maturity to manage intelligently.

that is all xn would talk about was going back to his country so he could run his own business like he had before he came to the US for graduate school.  I always felt like saying:  Well if that damn business was going so great, and that country you miss so much was so divine, why in the hell did you come over here to begin with?  I think it pained xn that he was not a big shot here.  That he spoke with an accent, that he was short 'in this country' (because he was not short in his country - according to him)

[~Solo]

Thank you all for your wonderful support!!!  I have decided to not write to each of you since there was such a big response and I was overwhelmed by the thought of writing to every one.  

I have read and observed what some of you have gone through as well.  Its clear to me that you dealt with major abuse.  I guess when you hear someone's story with out all the emotion of going through it yourself, it's easy to see through the bull.

I keep thinking that maybe I didn't have it that bad?  I dunno....the fog is pretty thick.  I keep hearing my husband's past pleads (with that oh so handsome and hurt look on his face) with me to trust him, saying what a good guy he is and that I don't see him the way he wants to be seen, telling me I'm controlling (thats how I'm abusive he states), telling me porn is normal (which if used on rare occasion with your mate and not used INSTEAD of your mate-maybe it is), telling me he thought we'd have the type of relationship that was about us being "best friends" consisting of a teamwork, our "own lives" and then our life together, telling me that I don't support him, telling me I don't like him...btw-i've never told him that.  I just didn't like "everything" about him and especially since it directly affected me.  I could go on as you can tell by my post.  I will calm down after a while...  I'm just hurt.  What else can I say?  It has never made sense to me..... why was he always so bent on being too busy, unavailable, then when with me, just unable to "love" me?            

[eyes_up]

"I almost feel it is part of the abuse cycle to keep us tired and off balance." ~ SusyP

Yes it does keep one imbalanced, immunities low as well as confused to not get the right sleep.

I can recall the narc needing to keep me up till an odd hours after midnight talking about nothing really of importance but it felt like some one turning the screw in my head tighter and tighter. Mean while I had to wake up before dawn to go to work. Same thing with the telephone ... If I said NO to this conversing I was yelled at or told i was not giving the relationship enough.

Sleep deprivation is what they use to brain wash people. It really does work!

eyes