He begged me over and over to believe he loved me.

[dogkisses]

Of all the lies a person can tell, why, why would a person choose this one.  He knew me 26 years before landing at my door like a vulture just having spotted fresh roadkill.  He learned I was disabled, he learned my son is disabled, he learned I am financially poor, he learned I work hard to help my family, he learned I hadn't taken time for myself, he learned I had neglected myself, he learned I was at the time, quite fragile, and so there I was, ready for the taking. 

He begged, he cried, and he begged.  62 years old, nearly 17 years my senior.  I kept saying no, you couldn't love me so fast, you are infatuated,  and that love took time.  He argued against every feeling I had and everything I ever said.

I told him I would not like it if someone ever toyed with my mind again, as someone had twelve years before.  He offered to put a hit on that man.  I think he was trying to instill fear in me.  He told me he knew some really bad guys.

Why would someone choose a nice person he'd known so long, without ever having bothered me and 26 years later set out, making it his number one life goal to get me to believe he loved me, even telling my family when he did not?

Then he said he couldn't remember.  He said all I was was sex.  He said I was a game.  He said he doesn't feel feelings.  What about all those months you begged me in my home to believe you when you said you loved me, that you were so sure you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and when I doubted you, you begged and cried.  What about that?

"I don't know."  That is all he ever said.  Then continued telling me how he only feels through other people feeling sexual feelings. 

In the end, the last time we spoke, he said he would come and help me die if that was what I wanted.  I told him I did not want to die.  He said he did but I told him I didn't believe anything he said anymore. 

I complained.  Right about now he knows this.  He crossed professional lines.  I told him I didn't like someone clucking with my head, and I don't, so I hope he remembers me as one woman he should not have chosen.

I may have been a target, roadkill, and a victim.  I remain who I am and who I was before him, I know this, but I'm angry at this moment, that once again, I have to find a place to put a bad memory.  A trauma.  Maybe I need a special library in my brain just for these kinds of experiences and memories.

I do not believe I will ever be the victim of a narcissist again.  I believe I could see more clearly not just the red flags but how dangerous they are.  Red means stop and I truly cannot imagine being the victim of this kind of abuse again.  I guess I can look for peace in that.

Thank you for the space to share. 

[peartree]

wow hun you are one courageous babe !!
god knows how their little sick minds work ! i was also on the receiving end of  a very over the top "love" and N was determined to convince me of it. i read somewhere Ns have fantasies of ideal love bec then it makes them feel unique and more "special" etc and also its a compensation for having no emotional bonds so they excessively and over the toply state or talk about love.
why wouldnt you fall for it ?! v seductive and charming espec if vulnerable and entrenched in low self esteem.i believe when they say "love" its just a hook to get you in, get lots of N Supply and keep them bound to you cos when they disappoint etc or you disappoint them then you will try and get back to that place where they adored you. crazily am not even sure with some Ns this is conscious lying. they want the N supply so much from you or you gave such good N supply that they have to keep you and saying "love" the easiest way to do that !!
totally mind bending stuff. yep the N i encountered declared undying love and i said no contact and then just 2months later he seemed to have completely deleted me when i bumped into him. just indifference on his face like i was a stranger (not even real negative emotions like upset or angry)
so crazy !!
good for you for seeing through e'thing and finding a way out
best wishes to you
peartree x x 

[dogkisses]

Hi Peartree,
 Thanks so much for your thoughtful response.  I guess I needed to vent and writing a wrong seemed the perfect place -- even though I think I ought to know all this already.  Reading what you wrote though, how you described the indifference, made me remember that what I went through wasn't about me, not the part about him "deleting," me and pretending we were strangers anyway.  That was about being a narcissist.  Thank you for sharing with me.
  I'm glad to be rid of him, and I want to read more about "cognitive dissonance."
 When they pretend not to know you, well, that was extremely painful to endure.
  The last time I saw him he told me things about himself as if we had first met.  I couldn't believe it.  His feet looked weird, but God knows I'd seen his feet plenty of times right.  Without my glasses, and honestly even with them, they looked like he had varicose veins all around his ankles.  He claimed that he had once used a tanning cream that permanently stained them.  I was never sure.  So he stood here, in my apt., telling me about his darn feet.  I said, hey, I've seen them, lots of times, remember!  He just looked at me, a little smile on his face and went on to tell me something else that of course I knew about.
  Sigh... At least I got to tell the man what I thought of him.  That last night I couldn't believe he stayed as long as he did b/c all I did was tell him how low he was and how poorly I thought of him.  He left at 4am saying he had to go to church.  He liked using church as a lie.  Yuk!
 
   Thanks again for this space to share. 

[peartree]

hi dogkisses,
god that must have been such a surreal experience for you. good for you to give him a piece of your mind ! i was too fearful of narcissitic rage to do that !! (did consider throwing a glass of wine over him, though never did it !)
i think in a small way, seeing how the Ns operate takes a bit of the sting out i.e they are just operating as Ns do, idealizing then deleting and devaluing as they go. you could be the most flawless person on earth and they'd still do it. so sort of not even personal or to do with you. took me a long time to see this and helped enormously in grabbing my self esteem back out of his hands.the hard part for me will be forgiving myself for putting it in his hands in the 1st place and being emotionally unfaithful to my husband. i am v angry at the N but i think even angrier at myself.
reading articles and sharing experiences has helped me so much.
you have so much to be proud of yourself for. remember that !
hugs
peartree x x x

[dogkisses]

Hi Peartree,
 I did give him a piece of my mind but honestly, I did not feel like he would rage at me, but instead I knew he would simply walk out the door, which is what he did, although barely -- with my big dog's nose about two inches from his feet.  I'd never seen my dog follow a person this way, only the ground when he tracks a scent.  A scent of deceit and wrongful intentions, I guess, to a hound dog, smells pretty strong, -- and threatening.  Again, I keep wondering if humans are the smartest species on the planet.  My dogs seem extremely intelligent.
  I guess, my point is, that I would not recommend anyone giving a narcissist a piece of her mind if she had any fear that he would rage at her.  I don't think I was with the guy long enough for him to have that space with me.  I imagine he has at other people.  But that night, he just sat or stood, sometimes looking kind of bewildered, once I heard him say, "I wish you could forgive me," but it is a blur now.  All I remember that night is the stabbing pain of him having told me about having had sex with a woman, and thinking of me, which had made it very good for him.
 
 He was a bad guy.   But he felt threatened by me so he did this to get me back. 

  Plus, I don't feel like I'm as much courageous as I was traumatized.  I was in a state of shock.  Then I got angry when I realized I had been the victim of a con-game.  I got really angry.  My decisions and some actions were out of this state of mind, and perhaps a wiser person would have not been so "courageous."  I'm not sure.
   I'm still angry, but I know this will eventually dissipate into a peaceful knowing within myself that I can trust my intuition, and truly, that I must.  It is a gift and my life story seems to have a central theme going on -- that being to remind me that I have a strong intuition and by listening, I might find treasures of all kinds.

[peartree]

hi-you've really hit the nail on the head about intuition.
there was so many red flags with the N but i guess i ignored them or dismissed them as was getting some needs met and was so needy and vulnerable at that time. but we do KNOW dont we, its whether we listen to it or not or explore it. when i 1st met him and was in a fairly good place self esteem wise i even doubted that he'd be a v good pal for me and then when got vulnerable etc i fell for him hook line and sinker ! so crazy looking back.
i guess with Ns and N rage is i just dont know what they are capable of as sometimes can be so manipulative they are barely human. psychologically v scary !
knowing myself and listening to any seeds of doubt or discomfort in the future should stand me in good stead.
good to admit to feeling angry at being manipulated and somehow "played" emotionally.
lots of good wishes to you 
peartree x x

[dogkisses]

Hi Peartree,
 Just wanted to say thanks for your encouragement.   In beginning I didn't think the N would make a good mate either b/c I pretty much knew he was a liar.     Sure wish I'd listened, like you say.  Sure hope I do from now on. 
Many good wishes to you too.