Admiration is safer than Love

[Litha]

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=36254&w=11&cn=8

"Deep down, narcissists hope for love and caring”, says Frank Yeomans, “but it often makes them feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it, partly because they feel vulnerable and doubt the authenticity of any love that comes their way. In addition, they may devalue anyone who loves them because that person, like themselves, can not live up to their excessively demanding standards. Narcissists can’t grasp the concept of love as a mutual devotion that includes acceptance of flaws. Love does not sustain them, it feels elusive and unsafe.”  The problem is, he explains, that to the narcissist, admiration feels safer.  It feels safer, because we can earn admiration through our achievements.  Hence, for the narcissist, admiration feels much more like something they can control, something they can work for. On the other hand, love can’t be controlled, so it means taking a leap of faith. Narcissist, then, prefer to be admired, and are endlessly trying to provoke admiration, because that’s what they know to do.

This makes sense to me, and explains why those of us who are very empathetic people keep trying to make it work. We can sense the narcissists vulnerability and pain, and we naturally try to soothe them. We are willing to forgive over and over because we empathize with their unspoken suffering. Ironically, the fact that we can see through their facade of perfection is exactly what makes them hate and fear us. They cannot accept it in themselves, therefore when we see and acknowledge it in them -- they must convince themselves that we are crazy and/or mentally deficient.

[Crystalstream]

This piece of writing makes the most sense ro me right now, mostly because I understand this. This rings very true for me. I have maintained nc for 9 days.  I went to the beach for a day this week.  I was filled with love from my family. On my way back, I stopped to see a friend who bought me lunch and gave me some terrific recovery cds and music.  She had me do a guided meditation that really helped.   Today I will go for 10 days to do some deep 12 step work with someone who knows us both.  My HP is putting people in my life that are helping me to see that I am a good and wonderful person in spite of what is going on in my marriage.  When I got home tonight, I had an email from my h.  It was a gallery site of the photos from our vacation.  No messsage, just a gallery of our week together.  There were 5 pictures of me, and two of our family shot.  I didnt respond, I just looked at them. I remembered how painful that week was for me. I have not heard anyting about how sorry he is for anyo of it on a sincere level.  I dont think I even need to, but the fact that I havent received one speaks volumns.   He is a really wonderful photographer.  I appreciated them.  I wanted to say thank you or something but I didnt.  I just shut the computer off.
I have received so much support over the last week.  Thank you so much, everyone, for your time and love for me, a perfect stranger, a sister in recovery.

[peartree]

wow good for you for staying silent espec in the light of him doing something supposedly "nice" and "kind" etc.
i guess thats the thing isnt it you wouldnt know if he was being "nice" or just trying to emotionally manipulate you , i guess the latter if no apology.
good for you !
peartree x x

[Litha]

It sounds like you are doing well Crystal, and taking care of yourself. HUGS

peartree, I think you are right about using the pics for emotional manipulation. But if they remind you of the pain Crystal, then you can use them whenever you are feeling weak and second guessing your decision to leave.

[Crystalstream]

I also need to take note that they were sent to the people on the vacation, not anyone else.  And they didnt show up on facebook, where all of his "friends" are.  I shouldnt read anything into it, other than the fact that he made a gallery, and he wanted me to see the photos, and that I AM in them.  So I cant complain about that anymore.  And if I were to ask him "why didnt you put them on facebook?"  he would tell me that I am never happy with anything.  he just cant win with me.  And hes right.  he cant.

[peartree]

...and thats a good thing !! 
peartree x x

[CZBZ]

"This makes sense to me, and explains why those of us who are very empathetic people keep trying to make it work. We can sense the narcissists vulnerability and pain, and we naturally try to soothe them. We are willing to forgive over and over because we empathize with their unspoken suffering. Ironically, the fact that we can see through their facade of perfection is exactly what makes them hate and fear us. They cannot accept it in themselves, therefore when we see and acknowledge it in them -- they must convince themselves that we are crazy and/or mentally deficient." ~Litha


EXCELLENT! This is the trap we find ourselves in when we lack information about the narcissistic pathology. We treat the narcissist the way we'd like to be treated and instead of understanding that they cannot reciprocate trust, love, forgiveness or any of the other BEAUTIFUL characteristics like that, we assume they just didn't quite 'get it'. that we weren't very good teachers or we didn't explain ourselves well.

If you see through the narcissist's pretenses and love them anyway, well....visit your local attorney's office. You are just about to Get the Boot.


Hugs,
CZ

[Flower]

I've read your post earlier Lithia, and just wanted to say how much this is a light bulb moment for me after all these years of N-experiences.

Upon reflecting back, I can now see how a certain maN sought out admiration through his occupation and that's how he reeled in and deceived through that occupation as well.
And so did Coworker N use his occupation to gain respectability and admiration. And then there was Stalker-N, and he only could attempt to impress with his flattery and
fake politeness cause his job wasn't impressive. 

For a majority of them, "the Chase" is also just as gratifying as admiration, but not necessarily safer, but then again, what narcissist do you know who is safe?

Flower

[SandiBear]

"EXCELLENT! This is the trap we find ourselves in when we lack information about the narcissistic pathology. We treat the narcissist the way we'd like to be treated and instead of understanding that they cannot reciprocate trust, love, forgiveness or any of the other BEAUTIFUL characteristics like that, we assume they just didn't quite 'get it'. that we weren't very good teachers or we didn't explain ourselves well. "

I'm new.  I'd heard of NPD; just not enough to recognize that my SO may be slightly N.  (is slightly possible?).  Can they ever learn?  Forgive my current state of enablement, but there's alot on the plus side of the guy, too.  This thread says it all for me.  Any hope with an N?

[CZBZ]

Hi Sandibear,

Slightly N is very possible. Narcissism can be treated and some people suggest it can be cured over a long period of time. There are no programs like Six Weeks to Curing NPD, though you can be very sure that every narcissist will look for one. They love shortcuts.

Healing depends on the severity of the narcissistic pathology. There are two things that lessen the likelihood of change:

1-inability to commit

2-extreme reactions to criticism and failure

The next thing that is very very important is this:

The Narcissist Must Seek Treatment. You can't do that. Narcissists are like horses. You can lead them to water but they'll kick you in the teeth if it's not the right temperature. So if your husband isn't the one reading about narcissism; if he isn't the one signing up for a year's worth of therapy appointments, spending hours online learning how to improve his relationship with you, meandering through the self-help section of Barnes and Nobles, well....he probably doesn't think anything is wrong with him and in that case, it's pretty much hopeless to hope for change.

Narcissists must take responsibility for themselves and they must WANT to change. If we make it too easy for them by forgiving, tolerating, educating and sympathizing, why would the N change? Things have to get really bad for a narcissist to start working on him or herself.

There is a lot on the plus side of every narcissist, truly! I still admire many of my X's traits. Overall, he's a great guy with an abundance of talent, ambition and intelligence. But those couple of traits that aren't so admirable??? Well, they override the best.

It may sound as though each person on WoN married or fell in love with hateful, infidel, lying, rotten sons-of-a-guns. We didn't. We married or fell in love with promising, talented, smart, good-lookin' and charming people. Like I wrote though, the inability to keep a commitment destroys their other 'super swell' attributes!

Midlife is a treacherous time for someone who is narcissistic. many of us witness the transformation of Dr. Jeyll into Mr. Hyde. I don't know what's happening in your particular situation but Midlife can be a precarious transition for a narcissist. Many of them don't make it and if they don't, they become malignantly and pathologically caustic to the people who loved them.


Hugs (and welcome!)

CZ