The Narcissist at Midlife: decompensation

[CZBZ]

"All three therapists are telling me he isn't dangerous.  They can't all be wrong.  At some point I become the worst threat to my own survival if I continue to think in such paranoid ways.  Anyhow, I think I stated the source of my fear accurately: murder of the soul is terrifying.  Plus I am so scared just about making a life for myself out there in the world." ~Imogene


If you have three therapists telling you he isn't dangerous, they may very well be right. The reason I say this is because a very dangerous period for a woman, is BEFORE she knows there's a problem in the marriage (i.e.: infidelity). The narcissist doesn't want to be 'outed' and if his wife is Erased, well, nobody has to know and he gets lots of sympathy for his missing wife.

One reason we have The Tool Shed is to follow news stories that educated us about 'risk.' I've been more interested in Crime Library since two famous cases: Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking. Litha, a member of WoN, brought another case to study: Holly Maddux (Ira Einhorn was her killer).

So Imogene, since your impending divorce is public and you don't have any 'goods' on your husband that he fears being disclosed, and since you are both going to therapy (witnesses), you aren't in the high risk category. Another reason why? You aren't engaging in vindictiveness. You're trying to be fair and again---you have witnesses. PLUS, he wants to end the relationship.


Hugs,
CZ

[smp]

So Imogene, since your impending divorce is public and you don't have any 'goods' on your husband that he fears being disclosed, and since you are both going to therapy (witnesses), you aren't in the high risk category. Another reason why? You aren't engaging in vindictiveness. You're trying to be fair and again---you have witnesses. PLUS, he wants to end the relationship. CZBZ

As you guys know, I had much reason to have MUCH fear - criminal biker gangs, ambush murders, women disappearing in Baja (she is still missing), he cheated a member of the Mexican Mafia!! and everyone telling me he was trying to get someone to break into my house. I could only handle the fear for so long, then I just had to make a decision - give up and live in fear, or get on with my life. I suggest getting as much documentation as possible, talking with police as much as possible. I believe all my calls to the police helped him decide to move the limo company out of next door - he knew I would call if he sneezed at the wrong time! I was told by gang detectives to do that - don't let them see your fear.

And yes, as many suggested, I lock the house now, my 27 year old son is still living with me for my protection, and I am very aware of the comings and goings in the neighborhood and anywhere I am. But as CZBZ wrote - I still have info to "out" him. I didn't want the info - it was just here.

[NewWings4MeNow]

Imogene,

Watch his actions more than his words.  Threats of all sorts can come on almost any topic as power and control tactics.

And CZ makes an all-important point:  As long as what transpires between you two is public, witnessed, documented and/or evidenced, you're at less risk.  Should these things happen more frequently/with more intensity in private, that might represent an acceleration.  

This past week, for the first time in eight years, I told d's therapist that several therapists had described XNH in the first weeks as a "pathological N" and that that had led me to informal studying.  She didn't utter a peep of protest, and boy have we been talking turkey ever since.  When she then acknowledged the severity of XNH's ongoing "animosity" toward me, I knew she knew.


smp,

No doubt as to the risky situation in which you've been living, and I'm so glad your son is with you and that you know to vary your routes and be observant of your property.  As long as you have the goods to hold over your N (at least this has been my experience), and you remain geographically local/reachable, you continue to represent a threat regardless of your own behavior.  If you live anywhere near my area, I think I do understand a bit of what you're dealing with.  

If you're being advised by gang detectives, that's excellent and I strongly suggest continuing to keep them in your back pocket even for a half a year or so.  During the year of my separation I was advised, by phone, by a local 25-year police detective over several lengthy calls.  He laid out for me what was what, how law enforcement viewed my situation and likely moves and counter-moves.  And he was totally right.  In fact, beyond my first women lawyers and the initial police visits, that detective was really the first man to believe me and take what I was dealing with very seriously.  He retired, and I've always wished I might have met him, at least to thank him.

(smp/all, talk about info held over someone, here's a new development:  All this time I've received mail for a 401(k) of XNH's with a former employer before he knew NW.  And just yesterday I received in the mail, addressed to XNH at my PO box, a review of information from a Colorado software company addressing all employees -- a company XNH has never told me about.  A Web search bubbled up several results linking XNH's name to that company.  So I have no idea if NW knows he's moonlighting and he's certainly never included such income in any reports to me.  Given that it's not random that they would send him info to my PO box (as a new employee he would have had to have filled out forms reporting his address/contact info, right?), there's no way that I see this as a fluke or an accident of some sort -- XNH doesn't operate that way.  Though I wonder if there are any other money pots hiding under other rocks out there, I won't lose a sec of sleep over it and, though a convo with NW at some point would be juicy, that's not gonna happen either.  But it all proves XNH's continuing MO of not "dealing from the top of the deck"....  My cousin said today that I should e-mail XNH that I have these things and ask him why; I said, "That's useless.  He'd lie."  I'm sayin' nothin' -- just call me the Silent Gatherer.)

NewWings4MeNow

[Imogene]

I was quick to make everything public, because I knew how isolated I was in this community.  That had nothing to do with feeling safe in an immediate, physical sense.  It had to do with having access to a support network.  Out of an outsized sense of fairness, I was almost willing to let him keep his secret (that he was leaving me for no freaking reason other than his selfish need to pick up stakes and head on to an untapped resource), even if that meant I would be isolated AND dumped. 

Survival means realizing that my husband's behavior is his own responsibility, even if he won't accept the responsibility.  And mine is mine.  Had we had a mutual relationship, we would have settled into a very happy life, as we bring complementary talents to the household.  But I have to realize that I was just working for my keep, like a servant, and in his mind nothing belonged to me.  That's why ultimately I refuse to leave the house.  I'm entitled to it just as much as he is, and since he is the one who wants to leave, he needs to go.

I am not addressing the comments about feeling threatened by him directly.  As my therapist says, people who are divorcing say all kinds of terrible things.  And for a while I was really scared of him.  When someone shows themselves to be completely callous, and you have collapsed your whole life into theirs, it is terrifying.  But as you said, NewWings, threats are words, and words aren't the important thing.  His actions indicate him to be in a complete and utter funk.  The only thing that will revive him is a new woman.  That will bring its own misery, as it will be very hard on my daughter, and he will probably cross all sorts of boundaries as he idealizes her and molds himself temporarily to her priorities.  But it's not happening now, and I have stopped being scared of this pathetic child-man.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, there's more than enough fear generated from my need to find work, a place in the world, a way to continue being a good mom.  That's the fear I need to face right now.   

[CZBZ]

Bumping this thread to the top of the board today in case anyone would like to discuss Narcissistic Decompensation. Imogene has mentioned this article many times and I've tried googling for 'professional articles' addressing midlife and decompensation. There isn't much to be found, unfortunately.

If any of you discovered links that might be useful to our community, please add them to this thread. And again, thank you each so much for being here and contributing your thoughts and making our community a safe and healthy place for learning.

There's so much denial, so much ignorance, so much misinformation about the midlife crisis today. It's poo-pooh'ed as a natural stage of development which it is NOT. It is NOT natural to throw your entire life into the crapper at midlife. Something is wrong...something is seriously wrong and we need to have each other's back on this because society does not want to even KNOW that someone you have known for years, can go from 'love' to 'hate' in a matter of seconds (or so it seems!). That you can be married to someone for decades having done nothing no better or worse than any other relationship on the planet and then---your partner splits on ya. And I'm not talking about running away.

It's a scary thought for anyone trying to create a longterm relationships with someone.

I think the midlife crisis has been normalized so much that people who might not have reacted twenty years ago, will be less reluctant to act on their impulses today. It's part and parcel of the narcissistic society that emulates celebrities (who are crazy, let's admit it) and encourages people to Go For it. Do It. Act on their Impulses. I tell ya, any society that discourages self-restraint, is an unsafe society for everyone---even yourself!!


Hugs,
CZ

[JennyWren]

"What does decompensation mean? “Worsening psychiatric condition: the deterioration of existing psychological defenses in a patient already exhibiting pathological behavior.”

Decompensation is a removal of the props/ego defenses sustaining an inflated self-esteem that was unable to 'compensate' for an injury of some kind. In other words, decompensation is likely when the narcissist’s grandiosity is not validated by reality and their Image is impossible to sustain. At midlife, with all the struggles human beings have, narcissists have feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, desperation, and confusion. Feelings they cannot tolerate, nor process. Midlife taxes narcissistic defenses, challenging the aging individual to mature." - CZ

Thanks for bumping this thread up. It has clarified the unique nature and intensity of MLC Ns are likely to have....and what is happening to them...and therefore why they are so illogical, wild and dangerous at this time.

I am wondering if this is something that tends to happen more readily to the Ns who have truly truly lost themselves...as opposed to the overtly arrogant Ns who stomp about and over everyone with huge ambivalence and self belief.

I am wondering....actually...if this is something that will inevitably trip up the "Lost Boy" type Ns we were thinking about on another thread. The Ns who were not the Golden Children....but who soooooo wanted to be....and created fantasy lives for themselves because the only way they thought they could be happy was by being who they are not.

At some point...it is no wonder that has to come crashing down.

Please excuse my ramblings...but I think....finally...I do have an overview of what happened with BigBird. A much more rounded and comprehensive view of him as a "person". Which...he is not. And never was.

And all I can think is "What a mess!"

Fitting that I should begin to feel more confident in my understanding when the divorce is due to be finalised in the next week or so.

[alatariel]

I n the beginning,  I was trying to find my part in my separation, discovering what co-dependency is, and taking on too much responsibility frankly. CZ said it happens because we know that WE can change, we are willing to do the hard work necessary.  So, if it is our responsibility, there is some chance of reconciliation, or at least healing for the sake of co-parenting. If the big problems in the relationship are really the N's responsibility, then we know we are sunk; because they don't ever try to do hard work like personal growth.

Huh.  I sure needed to read this today.  Thanx, Julia, for passing on CZ's wisdom!