Workplace Bully
originally posted in April of 2007
From: Peter (Original Message) Sent: 4/3/2007 1:05 AM Just managed to get myself out of a situation whereby a subordinate was actually exerting inaproppriate power over me, (I was new in post, and trying telling people the emperor has no clothes), its a long and tedious tale but i will not bore you with the details, in short I rightfully exposed him as being totally incompetent, sourced him some extra training and now have got him working unde direct supervision, however workplace bullying in whatever form is horrid.
The issue here is I am observing a situation in another dept allied to mine where there is quite obvious bullying taking place. The perpetrator is female and IMO has Narcissitic and other unpleasant personality traits. She is bullying a female colleague, the bullying manifests itself in lack of communication, or very limited communication via "post its" etc, this lack of communication is designed to disadvantage the victim and IMO is planned and malicious. She also is hypercritical of nearly every aspect of the victim's work wearing her colleague down steadily, i.e. utilising criticism as a form of subjugation. The perpetrator is an extremely physically attractive female, the victim is also and independantly minded, (I believe this is the source of the problem) and the perpetrator does use her charm around what is a very male dominated workplace, she is charm itself one minute when interacting with senior people and cold and hideous when addressing someone she perceives as being of no use to her. I have advised her victim to keep a diary and I support her as best I can, but does anyone have any ideas on exposing ths individual who has managed to achieve real currency within this workplace?
From: PracticalJude Sent: 4/3/2007 2:39 AM Hi Peter!
Nice meeting you and welcome to WoN. I can share that I've recently had experience with Narcissism in the workplace and it's been, as you said, horrid! A female co-worker and I have the position, sharing supervision on the weekends, both working 12 hour shifts. There aren't any peers or administration around on the weekends so she's been flying right under the radar. She's quite crafty but she screwed up recently, responding to an email I had sent to the managers. She replied to the team professionally, and then she replied to me personally, only this time she "lost it" and added a personal attack about me "usually leaving work early" so I finally had something in writing to go to our boss with.
I requested the three of us meet and in preparation I researched what the EEOC had to say about harrassment in the workplace. I found the guidelines to be loose and subjective, and it's really difficult to show proof of harrassment without witnesses and documentation. However, with specific dates, times and hopefully witness statements, one can pursue a harrassment complaint through the EEOC and the employer is forced to research the incident(s) in question and the employee's behavior.
I didn't go through the EEOC but once a complaint is brought to the attention of the employer, and it becomes a part of your permanent record, it offers a history if another incident occurs or if there is further retaliation on the part of the bully. In retrospect (and it's still an option) I may have hired an attorney and filed a formal complaint. As it stands, it's on record and I found administration "heard" me, and it's part of my record, but also felt like they'd rather sweep it under the carpet and turn it into a "communication" issue.
Having documentation is the key, yet depending on the employer she might also hear, "if this has gone on for some time, why are you just now bringing it to our attention." This didn't happen to me personally but I've heard this over and over from employer's who would rather not deal with the situation.
My suggestion would be to compile as much detailed and specific documentation as possible, including signed witness statements (a biggy) and request it's added to her personnel file. Keep copies of dates, times and all communications she might have surrounding meeting with her employer to address the bully behavior of her co-worker. If she's not satisified with the outcome, I'd recommend getting an attorney. Of course, every situation is different, so it's difficult to know the best course to take. I can only share what I've done to protect myself from Ms. Bully. My intention is that if she screws up again (and I believe she will) and puts something in writing or does something visable AND I can get someone to write a witness statement (lots of "ifs") I'll have something else to add to file. Also, I'd suggest she research the legal definition of workplace harassement, subjective as it is, to assist her if she decides to write a statement.
It's really nice of you to help your friend. These situations are "sticky" at best. I hope my story may help in some way. It sounds like you've got experience with this and she's lucky to have your support.
Jude
From: CZBZ Sent: 4/3/2007 11:37 AM Dear Peter,
I'm delighted you have chosen to participate on WoN. Talking about Bullying in the Workplace is something we encourage though many of us found one another after being Bullied in the Home. The twist you bring to this topic is that the person doing the bullying is female and contrary to some people's perceptions, women are not morally superior to men and can be brutal when they feel threatened by someone they perceive to be competition, as you have stated here: "The perpetrator is an extremely physically attractive female, the victim is also and independantly minded, (I believe this is the source of the problem) "
My sis lived through a nightmarish bullying which would have been even more detrimental to her self-esteem had she not known about Narcissism, Queen Bees and Relational Aggression. If you haven't read our links on the Hidden Culture of Aggression in females, please take some time and familiarize yourself with Bullying via RA (relational aggression). Nothing empowers us more than information.
As Practical Jude stated in her message, document, document, document. This is not only for legal validation but also for cognitive validation. When we are 'bullied', we become stressed and anxious which includes mental confusion. It's easy to distort the sequence of events or even remember events accurately. For our own mental health, keeping a daily diary will reaffirm our certainty, alleviate some of our self-doubt and might eventually support our position should we seek recourse.
In some cases, it's best to leave the workplace....sad to say! Bullies are far more practiced at manipulation and Image-management than most folks who are caught unawares by a collegue who has selected them for target practice.
From my direct experience, I'd also suggest keeping her documentation private. While some of her peers might appear to side with her, they will likely be torn between both herself and the bully. If the bully has power, her colleagues' loyalty will be to their paycheck should it come to that. Creating a divisive department will only alienate your friend even more when people start avoiding her.
If she needs to 'vent', suggest she seek counseling with a therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of Bullying. She might also join Tim Field's Bullying forum and read numerous excellent websites we now have on the Web. She ought not take her grievances to her peers or she will end up appearing to be the problem and NOT the woman with seniority. It's not fair, but that's what we are dealing with. This is just one more reason why our anonymity on the web can be one of the best things we can do for ourselves.
Welcome once again, Peter. We're glad you are here.
Love,
CZ
From: talia Sent: 4/3/2007 5:36 PM Hi Peter,
I can't add anything more insightful to what Jude and CZ have written. It's really nice to hear that you are supporting your colleague. It has to be validating for her that at least one person(yourself) can see the covert manipulations. I also think the Tim Field's Bullying site is a great resource for information. Good luck to your colleague. It's nice to be able to share our experience in helping others deal with manipulative narcissists. So,kudos to you for doing that. The knowledge is invaluable for those caught in the web,so to speak.
talia
From: Peter Sent: 4/4/2007 1:03 AM Thank you for the good advice and guidance, the destructive use of power against another is so damaging to the victim, I do think the victim in this case will have to take some formal advice soon. The only light on the horizon is the perpatrator's mask is beginning to slip, i.e. the work environment here is all embracing and we have a new boss who has expectations that his staff will develop themselves not only professionally but in other ways to. He also has expectations that the collective duties that have to be completed will be completed by all and not just the willing few. Our perpetrator has a real difficulty with team work and is doing some pretty cringeworthy squirming to get herself out of dutis she was able to flirt her way out of previously!
Here's hoping! Hello to all in the group, I suppose I should have said that in the 1st mail, I'll keep you all updated on this one!
Peter
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