Office Jerks finish First
Originally posted in July of 2007
From: CZBZ(Original Message) Sent: 7/10/2007 2:14 PM Well, i suppose most of you who know my personal story will understand why an article like this would capture my attention. I married one of those rising stars and when it was time for the family to reap the rewards of our sacrifices putting his career first for 30+ years, he left. Hahaha on me! I had no idea a maN would be capable of such a thing, much less one with family ties going back fifty generations!! I'm laffing now five years later for being a bit of a fool, but if I have any MISSION to share with people on the web it is this:
A narcissist is not a monster. A narcissist cannot be picked out in a crowd. A narcissist is someone with grave deficits in his or her ability attaching to people emotionally. A narcissist may be a good companion who works very hard and you may believe (as will the narcissist) that their hard work is for the Good of the Family. It is not. The narcissist works dilgently, that is true. But the narcissist only works for himself and without a moral compass holding him on course when times get tough (and they always do!), he will have no allegiance to anyone, but himself. That's a tough pill to swallow my friends, but that is how it is.
Pssstttt......pass it on....
Love (as in committed to the process),
CZ
Office jerks finish first
PATRICK WHITE
From Monday's Globe and Mail
July 9, 2007 at 8:42 AM EDT
Picture an office where you're surrounded by decent human beings. Your co-workers share responsibility in good times and bad. They listen, they co-operate, they keep the office kitchen clean.
Sound much like your office? Not likely. Nearly three-quarters of us face rudeness and condescension at work, researchers at the University of Illinois say. Jerks lurk behind the cubicle walls of every office.
Organizational psychologists call them extreme personalities. Human-resources departments call them problem employees. The author of a recent bestselling book - along with much of the working world - uses another name.
"For me, more polite synonyms, such as bully, abuser, despot or tyrant, don't quite capture the pain and anger that these creeps provoke in others," says Robert Sutton, author of The No-donkeybutt Rule, which has sparked a movement among such companies as Google, Mozilla and Southwest Airlines to purge workplaces of all varieties of jerk.
But is the jig really up for the office jerk? Don't count on it, many experts say. For better or worse, office jerks get noticed.
In other words, if Dr. Sutton's tag describes you, perhaps you should keep doing what you're doing.
"They do it because it works," Toronto-based career coach Alan Kearns says.
"They are bold, they take risks, they have a sense of mission. They can also be very charming."
What's worse, that brazen charm often comes off as a sign of intelligence.
"When people are engaged in dominance behaviour, others see them as smarter and more competent," says Larissa Tiedens, who teaches interpersonal and team dynamics at Stanford University's business school.
In one study, Dr. Tiedens played for subjects one of two clips that showed former U.S. president Bill Clinton responding to the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
In one clip, a fiery Mr. Clinton defended himself and demanded that impeachment proceedings be dropped with forceful hand gestures and strong speech. The second clip showed a more remorseful, apologetic Mr. Clinton. Those who watched the furious Mr. Clinton were much more likely to say his actions were beyond reproach.
"We think of these people as deserving even more status," Dr. Tiedens says. "Not only do they have it, but they should have more."
Jerks are scrappy by nature. They see co-workers as incompetent rivals rather than colleagues. The office becomes a Royal Rumble.
In place of pile drivers and body slams, these workplace grapplers have visual and verbal moves that researchers have identified. They tend to stand with an open posture, speak in deep, loud voices, gesture wildly, impinge on co-workers' personal space and stare directly at others.
A researcher at Harvard University, Teresa Amabile, has traced the outcomes of jerk-type behaviour. In a comparison of book reviews, Dr. Amabile found that authors of negative reviews were seen as more intelligent than authors of positive ones.
That "brilliant-but-cruel" effect is a strong incentive for biting criticism in the workplace.
Even Dr. Sutton's book includes a chapter on the virtues of being the workplace jerk. He shows that, while being an office pest may not be good for your status in the eyes of co-workers, it could do wonders for your career.
"The academic evidence generally says that if you need to establish your position in the office, then glaring at people, maybe insulting them, maybe fighting are actually going to be quite constructive," Dr. Sutton says. "If you're an office pushover, sometimes you just have to fight back."
Career coaches don't wholeheartedly encourage taking on the persona of a jerk just to get ahead, but they do agree with Dr. Sutton that office pipsqueaks shouldn't let others kick sand in their faces either.
"If I'm coaching someone who lacks assertiveness, the office doormat so to speak, I might want them to start weighing into conflict more often," agrees Dr. Stéphane Brutus, a career coach and organizational psychologist at Montreal's Concordia University.
"Whenever a conflict arises, even a small one, you have to get in there. It could even be in the line at the grocery store."
While Dr. Sutton doesn't advocate picking up jerk traits, he says that in some workplaces it may be unavoidable if you're ambitious: "In some cultures, though, being tough is necessary. It'll still make you an donkeybutt, but a necessary donkeybutt."
Some workers ride the jerk impulse all the way to the corner office. In fact, narcissistic employees, nasty as they can be, comprise some of the most visionary of business leaders, according to Narcissistic Leaders: Who Succeeds and Who Fails, an influential book by psychoanalyst Michael Maccoby published in 2003 and reissued in May.
Dr. Maccoby finds that the most revered business leaders in the United States - Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Jack Welch, Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos among them - are driven, above all, "by power and glory."
Narcissists can be "emotionally distant and highly distrustful," Dr. Maccoby says. "Perceived threats can trigger rage. Achievements can feed feelings of grandiosity."
Sound like anyone you know?
There are well-documented drawbacks to picking up career tips from narcissistic jerks, of course.
"They may get promoted, but nobody is loyal to them," Mr. Kearns said. "Because of that, they're not sticky in an organization. Good people with friends get the benefit of the doubt if they screw up."
But for the rest of us - the non-jerks, of course - there's at least one good reason to tolerate them, Dr. Maccoby says.
"If you hitch to them at the right time, you'll get rich. You could come out a multimillionaire.
"But you've got to be careful not to fall in love with one who's got no moral compass - just look at Enron."
From: foofoogirliegirl007 Sent: 7/11/2007 12:27 PM I disagree. They don't finish first. Maybe they think they do, or maybe we think they do, or maybe they make the most money, or have the most toys, but they don't finish first because they are never, ever happy.
From: honeybearII Sent: 7/12/2007 2:33 PM Well, foofoo, certainly by OUR standards they may be unhappy......or we would like to think they are unhappy. But the REALITY is that in most cases they are not introspective enough to even understand the concept of "happy".
What they ARE is driven......mostly by fame and attention. As long as they are getting a full complement of fame and adoration they will perceive themselves as happy. And these "jerks" are extremely, marvelously good at collecting people who will make sure they continue to be adored.
The only time they will experience "unhappiness" is when they are either denied a steady supply of adoring sycophants, or when their carefully groomed public personna is held up to ridicule or shame. Then they experience a type of unhappiness that most generally translates into ANGER which is directed at almost anyone.
Honey
From: foofoogirliegirl007 Sent: 7/12/2007 2:41 PM Well, mine is really unhappy. Remember, the world didn't get the memo that he was in charge and king. He is forever frustrated. I have never met a more angerier person in my life.
And he will tell you he's unhappy. He didn't count on life not being perfect or not going according to plan.
There is a reason he drinks like a fish.
From: proud2Bmyfathersdaughter Sent: 7/12/2007 8:53 PM Honey,
You hit on something that I just recently experienced with my STBXH. we work in the same office. I found out about three weeks ago he had a girlfriend. I said I could forgive that, thinking we could possibly reconcial (I know, stupid of me, no need to say it :-)). He was more than happy to encourage me along. I made it clear I could forgive the g/f but it had to stop. It didn't. Then I found out the truth. I was devastated.
The bottom line is he sent me a scathing, threatening email accusing me of telling everyone at work he committed adultery. (I didn't). Adultery is not a word I would have used - it's just to biblical for my tastes and is not descrptive enough of the devastation or betrayal that goes along with being replaced/devalued/ and lied to. So people are drawing their own conclusions about his behavior. But what got to me were his threats! He actually threatened "to tell some of the truth about" blah blah blah, as in "half truths" about certain events that occurred during our marriage. I called him on it and said threats of that nature are totally unacceptable, and threw in a few more documented facts of my own for good measure.
So his image at work is starting to tarnish around the edges and he attacks and threatens me in response. I won't say I am innocent becuase I broke down to one person who happened to be there when i found out he was still seeing the other worman. It happened to be late in the afternoon when I asked him if he was still seeing her, and he said yes. So I can only imagine that is where it is coming from. I don't recall my exact words to my office mate, but I did say he had a girlfriend and I was hoping for a reconcilaliation. Adultery is not a word I use.
I also think it interesting he wants everything to stay under wraps because he's worried that I will be humilated. I thought, Huh? In a normal person, I would understand that sentiment, but in actuality, I believe he is more concerned about his own image than any feelings of humialition I may experience in the eyes of my coworkers.
Now I know him for what he truly is. He can not touch me anymore. Not even close. Yeah, he can hurt my feelings for five minutes, but he can't touch my core. Not anymore.
Thanks for the validation!
Proud
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