Women as Victims of Verbal Abuse
Originally posted in February of 2006
From: CZBZ (Original Message) Sent: 2/1/2006 3:07 PM "As members of the "weaker" sex, women have suffered the violence of physical abuse from the "stronger" sex. They have even suffered it at the hands of stronger women. Although there is not nearly enough of an outcry over this violence against women, at least there is a shared sense that it is wrong. Not so with verbal abuse. It leaves no visible wounds or scars, and can be hidden or denied with hardly a second thought. And, unfortunately, verbal attacks are not predominantly done by men. Since they require no physical prowess (although it helps, since it increases the fear and intimidation), verbal abuse can be as violent and as destructive when done by women as when done by men. And there is no great public outcry against it, and certainly no laws making it illegal to verbally slice another, or especially a woman, to pieces and leave her emotionally bleeding.
Fathers and husbands can roar at daughters and wives, berating, belittling and pounding them into submission without being confronted or jailed. There is also a sad legacy of mothers verbally bullying and deriding daughters that goes virtually unaddressed. It is long overdue that we force ourselves to look at the suffering and devastation that verbal abuse exacts, and draw the line on tolerating it. The fear and pain are not as hidden as we would pretend. It can be seen and felt in the eyes and in the faces of the emotionally abused, without a word being uttered. Imagine what we could know if we actually talked about it.
It is the climate of pretense, denial and hiddenness that fosters the self-abuse that women get caught in when they have been victims of others' verbal abuse. My focus will be on this dangerous side effect, the abused woman's abuse of herself. This is a very deliberate choice on my part, because psychological oppression, unlike physical oppression, only works if we participate in it, and psychological liberation occurs only when we liberate ourselves. We are not in charge of anyone else's liberation, but we are definitely in charge of our own. Sadly, if we are abused in childhood we tend to learn abuse, and imitate the hostility directed at us. We may or may not abuse others, but almost surely we will have learned to abuse ourselves.
We must, therefore, look at the way victims not only become victimized, but victimizers, first of themselves and then, sometimes, of others. As women, we are members of the traditionally viewed "inferior" and "weaker" sex. Verbal abuse directed at girls and women has a greater chance of hurting our self-image and damaging our self-esteem, because we are already coming from a lesser position and a smaller "box". Male approval and male protection is subliminally, or even blatantly, communicated to us as a necessity for a safe and happy life. Even if we know better, we don't tend to want to fail that test. So, abusive men are very dangerous to women. On the other hand, if other women attack, deride or ridicule us, we are left to wonder what is so wrong with us that even women abuse us. We again question our own worth and worthiness. There is no easy escape route for women, out of the low self-esteem even self-hatred pit, when abuse is present.
Women, therefore, are very vulnerable to verbal abuse, and pay a devastatingly high price for it. The inner voice of an emotionally abused woman is not only a voice of pain, suffering and anger, it is also the voice of an alienated woman who blames herself for how she's treated. For every harangue from others, there's most often a matching harangue from herself. Self-loathing becomes the source of her own self-abuse. Violators can die or be divorced or moved away from, and abused women are often still not free. The abuser has become herself.
This is not a new revelation, yet, still we tolerate verbal abuse. Why? Why do we as a society continue to deny the ravaging effects on anyone, but especially for our focus here, on women, of verbal innuendoes, attacks, ridicule and derision? Because we are afraid of exposure and we feel safer with hiddenness. We know so much more about psychological torment than we ever reveal. Coldness and silence, withdrawal and ignoring are not foreign tools of torture either. We know their power to devastate and create a feeling of powerlessness and panic just as we know the power of openly hostile acts.
Workplaces as well as homes can be emotionally abusive, only the style may change. At work, we excuse our tolerance for abuse by saying we fear we'll lose our job if we confront the abuser. At home, we excuse our tolerance because it's none of our business, if we aren't the one being abused, and if we are the target of the abuse, we deny our own power to free ourselves. We have the "someday my prince will come" complex, that looks to another to rescue us or rescue others, but we do not look to ourselves. And herein lies the rub.
The only way for a victim of verbal abuse to be freed is to free herself. Both the victimizing "other" and the victimizing "self" must be confronted. Both must be stopped. If all else fails, separating from the abusive other will stop that abuse. Since we cannot separate from ourselves, we are left to convert the hostile energy directed at and against us, to strong energy working for us. This is a complex process that takes commitment, courage and "know how".
The commitment must be to ourselves and our psychological liberation. The courage must be to face directly the forces within us that believed what was said to us and about us, and confront their hostility and bullying tactics, demanding that they stop. The "know how" is the psychology and the tools needed to convert the hostile energy into excited energy for a life fueled by desire not fear or anger. This is not easy, because victims become believers and imitators of the hostility to such an extent that self-doubt and self-blame, even self-hatred, become second nature. To free themselves, victims must draw upon all three elements: commitment, courage and "know how", with a depth of conviction and determination known only to the violated. Without it, there will be continued whining, complaining, crying, describing, repeating, but never moving and liberation.
Therapy would be my strongest recommendation for the committed, courageous women who want to learn how to free themselves. It would also be a good thing to join a group where discussions and sharing and caring are directed toward freeing yourself. Do not join a group where describing your plight and staying in it brings sympathy without movement. Liberation psychology is designed to teach us the principles of the inner world and how to live with integrity in this world. Reading, studying and discussing what I have written would be a most helpful tool. It is hard work to free ourselves from the emotional attachment to psychological abuse, but it is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. May you have the necessary commitment and courage needed to do the work required to psychologically liberate yourself."
From: Cornfield10 Sent: 2/1/2006 5:26 PM Psychological oppression only works if we participate in it and psychological liberation occurs only when we liberate ourselves.
Violators can die or be divorced or moved away from, and abused women are often still not free. The abuser has become herself.
I wrote this from the article and will carry it with me and memorize it. Now I know why I felt no freedom, relief, or happiness when the hired man left our home after thirty years of my being forced to feed him and tote him around. I really didn't know where the abuse was coming from, and the abuser continued in his ways and I was worrying about the wrong thing. I guess it is unreasonable to think that I can erase 50 years of suppression and emotional deprivation and verbal abuse in a short time.
The fact that husband is suffering ill health is no consolation for me because the fear is always present that the abuse will continue and I have never been one to harbor feelings of revenge in my heart, preferring to leave that up to God.
This is more complicated than I imagined. I am capable, but there is a lot more work to be done. I don't wish to become a different person to accommodate someone else. I wish to become me, and there is a lot in me to come out in the world. I just have a short time to accomplish it and I am old and tired.
So, how was your day? Love, Cornfield
From: PreciousLadyonachain Sent: 2/4/2006 7:46 AM Psychological oppression only works if we participate in it and psychological liberation occurs only when we liberate ourselves.
Thanks CZBZ. True, true.
I have written before about when something would go wrong the first thought that would come to my mind was which man can help me. In reality though, I am the one who can get done what needs to be done and most of the men in my life have not done anything but hurt me.
There is a woman at my little outside job that is verbally abusive. About a week ago, she said something that was inappropriate or at the very least baiting to me. I responded not to her baiting comment but what was appropriate to the situation. She then went on to try to "rally" the other co-workers around her that night, excluding me. I had already been warned by a customer when I first started to "not let her run me off" and I have heard other co-workers say outloud that were thankful this particular woman was not working with them on a night.
So I think to myself, why am I the weakest link that she turns her abusiveness on me? Cause she can and I will take it.
It blows my mind that she put extra energy in trying to alienate me from the other coworkers as well as the comment she said to me which she obviously had put some prior thought in to.
I know that I am getting healthier though because I choose not to divert my energy in a psychological war with her. I have decided if she says something or when she says something inappropriate to me again to tell her to keep her nastiness off of me and let her own it. She is not conducive to my well being and she gets none of my energy.
It is a turning point of instead of asking myself what is wrong with me that this person is acting this way towards me to the thinking of I don't care why this person is acting this way. It is inappropriate and I do not have to and will not tolerate it.
PLC
From: CZBZ Sent: 2/4/2006 9:22 AM "Psychological oppression only works if we participate in it and psychological liberation occurs only when we liberate ourselves."
Michele Toomey's articles are written from her concept of Liberation Psychology. By clicking on this article, we can follow this essay to her home page where she links many other excellent articles she's written. She has another essay that is particularly poignant titled, 'The Abusive Betrayal of Love.' We linked it on our blue space here: Infidelity. But just like anyone who tries to communicate their thoughts with words, sometimes an idea is misinterpreted or else, not expressed exactly as intended. What Toomey meant by the above quote I don't know for sure except that I have read most of her work and do not believe she means to say 'we' are responsible for being verbally abused, nor that we participate in our oppression. She is speaking about psychological oppression which is a very tricky concept to talk about when we have NECESSARY ego defenses which include denial.
The first step out of denial is to have the DESIRE to change our lives for the better. This willingness opens our psyche to seeing things we might never have wanted to know in the first place. Each time we allow ourselves to work through one area of abuse, another layer of truth is revealed and we do the hard work of suffering through that, too. It might take a long time to liberate ourselves from the lie that we deserve mistreatment, depending upon our life experience of course.
AND, we may react to our awakening by escaping a verbally abusive environment in the hopes this will free us from oppression. It usually doesn't work. In fact, we might render ourselves more vulnerable to the Smooth talker who is the complete opposite of the rager! I don't know how many times I've heard people say they had grown up in verbally abusive homes and 'fallen in love' with the guy who never raised his voice; and yet, he cut them to ribbons with undermining insults intended to build upon her lack of self-esteem and continued to degrade her.
We need to fully understand Verbal Abuse as a tool for maintaining Power Over Others and recognize what is happening to us whether the person is shouting or whispering! After years with Mr. Pizzed-at-the-World, I shut down emotionally during his tirades and it would take me a couple of days to even know 'why' I had to shut down in the first place. It's been a slow go to get my feelings into Real Time rather than wait three days to realize I just got dissed by the maN professing to love me!! (By the way, for the new people on our forum who are not familiar with my story, I've been working with an on-line support group for three and a half years now. I may be s-l-o-w, but I usually get where I intend to go at my own pace. ha!)
I appreciated her closing paragraph:
"Therapy would be my strongest recommendation for the committed, courageous women who want to learn how to free themselves. It would also be a good thing to join a group where discussions and sharing and caring are directed toward freeing yourself. Do not join a group where describing your plight and staying in it brings sympathy without movement. Liberation psychology is designed to teach us the principles of the inner world and how to live with integrity in this world. Reading, studying and discussing what I have written would be a most helpful tool. It is hard work to free ourselves from the emotional attachment to psychological abuse, but it is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. May you have the necessary commitment and courage needed to do the work required to psychologically liberate yourself."It is important to have a diverse forum of people who are beginning this journey along with those of us who have been working at it for awhile. But it's not a one-way street. Each new person who joins our forum has so much to teach those of us who have been learning about narcissism for years. We are all working together to free ourselves from the lie that we deserve to be abused...or that we can abuse others without harming ourselves. It is my belief that in order to remain a vital group we must support each person's process without getting stuck in the:
I-am-fully-healed-now-and-need-no-help-Syndrome
or
I-am-so-messed-up-there-is-no-hope-Syndrome
Those are two more lies about the resilient spirit yearning for liberation within each of us. So wherever YOU are if you are reading this message, you are essential to the group because we never stop learning through one another's experience. Never.
Sending out Love to each of you this morning,
CZBZ
From: CZBZ Sent: 2/4/2006 10:16 AM "I have written before about when something would go wrong the first thought that would come to my mind was which man can help me. In reality though, I am the one who can get done what needs to be done and most of the men in my life have not done anything but hurt me. "~PLC You have said so much in this one statement, PLC! Being able to cut through female socialization is no easy task. I've been fighting it for years, LOL! How stupid is it to believe we need another mortal (a man) in order to validate our worth??? I've only recently been able to peer into my childhood and see that the original narcissist messin' with my self-worth was my social construction. ha! I have to remind myself all the time, "Now CZ....is that the child CZ who's thinking like that? Or is it the grown-up? Where DID you get such an idea, huh?" (I do try keep my inner conversations silent since muttering to myself around the house might get me locked up.)
"There is a woman at my little outside job that is verbally abusive. About a week ago, she said something that was inappropriate or at the very least baiting to me. I responded not to her baiting comment but what was appropriate to the situation. She then went on to try to "rally" the other co-workers around her that night, excluding me. I had already been warned by a customer when I first started to "not let her run me off" and I have heard other co-workers say outloud that were thankful this particular woman was not working with them on a night. " Something I've not wanted to 'see' was the way women manipulate others with their efforts to rally troops behind them and demonize the target by targeting other women's emotions. Maybe we have to see the male narcissist first and fully understand how he operates before we can start dissecting female narcissistic aggression via mob-rule? LOL!!!
Women might not openly disagree with a bully and thereby imply their agreement. Maybe a lot of us naively hope the problem will disappear or resolve itself without involving ourselves? We know, as women, how cruel we can be to one another and hesitate confronting the gossip-monger in an effort to protect ourselves. It doesn't work. If she will attack one woman, she will attack all women and the next thing we know, we become her target. When this happens, we might rue the day we did not speak up because lo and behold, nobody is there for us either.
"So I think to myself, why am I the weakest link that she turns her abusiveness on me? Cause she can and I will take it. It blows my mind that she put extra energy in trying to alienate me from the other coworkers as well as the comment she said to me which she obviously had put some prior thought in to." Why are you the weakest link? Because she knows you are a threat to her control! You did not engage and thereby reduce yourself to her level and wow, does that ever make you a threat. We linked some great information about Relational Aggression which might help you understand how women use other women to maintain Power Over. We can be Oppressors without out-and-out tactics of control as obvious as the male narcissist! I'm just now reading a few books about the ways in which womeN maintain their pretense of superiority with abusive manipulation and verbal aggression via 'gossip'. Their intent is to ISOLATE their target and then pick, pick, pick at her sense of self until she reacts or leaves or joins in the picking on the next scapegoat for group hostility.
"I know that I am getting healthier though because I choose not to divert my energy in a psychological war with her. I have decided if she says something or when she says something inappropriate to me again to tell her to keep her nastiness off of me and let her own it. She is not conducive to my well being and she gets none of my energy." We women in my household (my sis and my adult daughter) are learning how to protect ourselves from other women's abuse, though we're not very wise at this point since most of our efforts have been directed towards the OVERT male narcissists who are much easier to spot and dissect, LOL, than the female co-worker maintaining her dominance through 'relational aggression.' But, one thing my sis has started doing after several nasty experiences with a Queen Bee in her office, is to stop silencing herself when a co-worker is being dissed.
My good-hearted sis feared being dissed herself if she spoke up, so she decided to stay silent and not say anything as the best way she could maintain relationships in the office without being confrontational. Well, guess what? That did NOT work! We know from our learning about Narcissists that if we do not express disagreement, the narcissist ASSUMES we agree. He or she will then restate to others that he or she has our full approval. In fact, this is how it plays out with in the Power Games womeN play.
She insinuates our complicity with comments intended to separate her listeners from her target. Because most women doubt themselves (IMO), they'll wonder if what Queenie is saying is actually true and their fear of disconnection from the group will be their complicity! Did PLC really say that? Is PLC being honest? A woman's emotional fear of isolation from the group is the foundation of 'relational aggression', it seems to me. Then when PLC defends herself, the doubt is already there and if you over react emotionally at all (or defend yourself), you are the one who is discredited! So my sis has learned the hard way that in office politics, the best thing to do is control her reactions and express disagreement as gently as possible. But she never lets an insult or snide comment go without saying something to show she is not in agreement, nor will she participate.
"It is a turning point of instead of asking myself what is wrong with me that this person is acting this way towards me to the thinking of I don't care why this person is acting this way. It is inappropriate and I do not have to and will not tolerate it." Bravo! Those of us who are introspective might introspect to a neurotic fault! Saying we need to see the problem is Out There goes contrary to so much of the pop-psychology of the day intending to cut through people's narcissism directing them towards introspection! If we already internalize as a natural reaction, we need to do the opposite and say with confidence, 'I have nothing to do with this person's reactions.' To start pondering what we did to make them do that can make us neurotic women...LOL!! Don't I know!
Loved your message, PLC....thank you for writing this because we all need to examine how we might be complicit in the abuse of women by other womeN if we don't take a stand and state our disagreement. It's almost like watching a mugging take place and shutting our eyes instead of protesting, isn't it?
We will get better at protesting over time. ha! The first thing we have to do though, is make the decision to stop participating in relational aggression. We can learn better and saner ways to live our lives with integrity.
Love,
CZBZ
From: Samm369 Sent: 2/4/2006 11:56 AM CZBZ,
I appreciate this thread, and the article on 'Betrayal of Love' by Michele Toomey. Excellent. This is so helpful, and she has lots of other articles as well, which I plan on reading.
When I look back at the years with my NH, having had NC, as you know, for over three months now, I realize how he had more and more power over me. These Ns are so good at brainwashing us, their ANGER is a powerful tool, and use of rejection as well. If women have 'abandonment issues' and 'self-esteem' issues, then we are a perfect victim/target for Ns. Perfect. It never occurred to me for years to question my NH, even before he was my H. He was so convincing, so sure of his opinion, of his way of looking at things. Never in a million years did it occur to me that he was 'on the HUNT FOR POWER/CONTROL', and that all he was doing was to get me more and more under his thumb. His mistake, because I have loved him deeply, and been so loyal to him, was picking on my sons. He only make jokes to them, which I eventually realized he was actually making fun of them.....but, he would say horrible things to me ABOUT them, and then, when he finally chased them away from living with me, THAT was IT!!!!! "You've gone too far!" Funny how they can be abusive to us, mean and cruel to us, but when they start attacking our own flesh and blood.....!!!!!!
I remember friends/my therapist telling me that he is being abusive because he CAN, because he knows that I will take it. I couldn't figure out how I could still have him in my life, but stop the abuse. I couldn't. Nothing worked to TEACH him NOT to abuse me. LEAVING was the only solution, at least in my case. My NH is too arrogant, too stubborn, too stuck, too far gone, not taking one iotta of responsibility. Thanks for this CZBZ, it's really helped me, and know it will help others here. The best to you and for you. Samm
From: CZBZ Sent: 11/18/2006 12:36 PM I have received a few requests to speak about Verbal Abuse on our forum and this thread came to mind. For right now, I am bumping the topic for those who might want to add comments, questions or personal experience. Hopefully, we can talk more in-depth with one another about the slow conditioning of the verbally abused woman.
Love to all,
CZ
From: barbarany_9 Sent: 11/18/2006 1:42 PM The only problem with Liberation Psychology is that it puts the onus of healing on the victim - and - at least in their minds - when a victim first has the "awakening" to get out of the relationship there is often very little self-esteem left to do so.
I know from the counseling I do with DV victims locally that the Liberation model is on introduced much LATER on in the process. Introducing or pushing it too early in the process can send a victim into a tailspin of self-loathing and possible suicidal thoughts.
When I first started my journey away from estrangedNH as much as was POSSIBLE for me - I read HOW TO LIVE WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN by Dr. Scott Wetzler. Wetzler lives in my area so I wrote him and told him frankly you CAN'T LIVE with these guys - you need to get away from them because the underlying pathology is so entrenched. The P-Aness is just symptomatic of other issues such as narcissism, borderline or other problems.
My 2cents.
Barbara
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
From: UnlimitedHoneybear Sent: 11/18/2006 2:46 PM Verbal abuse is so insidious because sometimes we don't recognize it as such. I know that my exNH was masterful at saying things that, in retrospect, I now realize was terribly abusive. But he said them in this logical, "I know everything" voice that made you absolutely BELIEVE what he was saying and take it to heart. It was NEVER overtly abusive like ranting or screaming, but there was subtlety and things said in humor that, in retrospect, came from his truth. I just never recognized how abusive a LOT of what he did and said really was because it WAS so subtle.
That erosion of our sense of self is so gradual sometimes that it isn't until we finally break with them completely that we are able to heal and get some perspective on it all. As long as they are in our "space" - either physically or fianncially or emotionally - it is terribly difficult to have complete healing. That is why so many of us who have been down this road encourage NO CONTACT.
Honey
From: CZBZ Sent: 11/18/2006 3:27 PM "I know from the counseling I do with DV victims locally that the Liberation model is introduced much LATER on in the process...[it] can send a victim into a tailspin of self-loathing..." ~Barbara
Dear Barbarany and all,
Your words concord with my intuition about healing and also my experience. When people are quick to tell a woman she allowed a man to abuse her, it makes my skin crawl and I can't agree with such a perception. Much damage is done to women all in the name of helping her if people don't understand the impact of abuse on her sense of self. First, we must name the problem, the abuser, the abuse.
Healing is a long process. We experience incremental awakenings. Perhaps the duration and extent of our abuse stems back to childhood; in which case, moments of enlightenment will be taking place over years of healing. We can't force an 'awakening' to a new level of self-awareness and eventual liberation. We must also remember that no two people have experienced the same traumas leading to defensive shields in the first place. Maybe patience is the keyword for people who are healing OR are working with those who are healing from abuse?
Seems to me we are each doing the best we can considering our life circumstances. What might be a HUGE breakthrough moment for myself, may be nothing more than an insignificant insight for someone else. Hopefully, there comes a point in our lives when we realize we do not merit disrespect from anyone. That's when it's stand-up time no matter how we might manifest this standing up. Some women get it while chopping wood and yet, they continue chopping wood. But now they are chopping by choice. Good or bad, right or wrong, choice leads to self-empowerment and if needed: self-correction.
One thing I have come to both appreciate and rue is that once we've awakened to a deeper understanding of self, we cannot forget what we know. The only way to avoid the inevitable changes post-awakening, is to participate in self-destructive behavior such as denial, addictions, avoidance, or some form of escape from our new reality. So you see? Even healing is a double-edged sword. Each new step towards liberation from oppression requires courage, self-trust and the willingness to change. At least for me, healing has not meant Peace as far as escaping anxiety and fear. It has meant an increased opportunity to know the difference between love and not-love---by others and by myself.
First of all, I do not speak abusively to myself anymore. Now maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to most of you, but once realizing I deserved as much space on the planet as my Wide-Angled-N, I started listening to the thoughts in my head. The way I'd mutter to myself when making a mistake or the comments I'd murmur while looking in the mirror. Try doing this sometime, my friends, and notice what you are telling yourself! So much of our verbal abuse is unconscious that it's almost scary to know we are programming/conditioning ourselves to accept verbal abuse as being without consequence. We might not be able to stop someone else's decision to berate us with words, but we can certainly begin healing by stopping ourselves.
I have been very self-deprecating and it's a hard habit to break. It started very innocently on my part, trying to diminish any accomplishment that might trigger an envious person's cruelty, by criticizing myself first. "Oh, my sewing isn't really all that great! I made a big mess of this dress on the inside, you just can't see it!" While this was culturally acceptable when I grew up, it became increasingly unhealthy while married to the N. My daughter is the one who pointed it out to me frankly and I was shocked. She threatened to turn on the audio recorder and tape me talking, then play it back for me later. That's when I decided to stop doing such a stupid thing and let other people deal with their envy if they couldn't sew as well as I. LOL! I'm joking about it but I think this is a serious problem for many of us.
Be nice to yourself. Say nice things to yourself. Never call yourself names or swear at yourself. Never. Treat yourself with dignity even if your partNer is incapable of treating you the way you expect. And don't buy the poppycock that we teach people how to treat us. If that were true, I'd still be married.
Love to all,
CZ
From: almosthealed2006 Sent: 11/18/2006 5:54 PM Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your stories, input, viewpoints....I learn so much from you all.
This subject is very triggering for me....but I am okay with it....because I want to be courageous enough to heal from the horrible things said to me by the Lord of the Flies and my mother.....and sometimes the poor communicators I work with...
I realize that my heart is very easily wounded by others because of the tearing down of my self esteem and personhood....
I now really listen carefully to the words that people say....how they say them....and look carefully for the intent behind them....
This process takes a long time....some of the injury is just now starting to show itself to me....because I sheltered myself from the pain through denial, through making excuses, through not confronting my abuser/s and not being honest with myself....
I had to face it.....the truth.....that I lived with a person who verbally beat me up on a daily basis....that was so painful to face....because I realized that I had given up on myself....and let someone else define who I was....
I knew then, I would have to get out....or he would have to leave....because staying with him under the same roof put me within earshot of his battering.....I might as well have painted a big red bull's eye on my chest and walked around the house waiting for him to shoot me with a .45 caliber. duh.
Now that I am out of it, I realize I have much to heal....
Some of the stuff may be a long time coming....but I am a strong woman of courage and determination....and I am up for the challenge....
I hope you all can get to a place of liberation too....
Love to you, healing
From: barbarany_9 Sent: 11/18/2006 9:19 PM What really helped me was reading CONTROLLING PEOPLE and then everything I could on mind control, "cultish" relationships and NLP to see how abusers (sometimes they KNOW NLP, sometimes its just ingrained in them) twist us.
The intermittent reinforcement model, the reward/ punishment model and a variety of others are used to gain CONTROL and to manipulate us. It took me YEARS to get it because my late Nmom was sooooo manipulative and I grew up with it - it took forever for me to figure it out. Some people never do.
I know of victims I have spoken with who give you a blank stare when you tell them what's really going on. Some people say they are in denial or they allowed the abuse - frankly that's asinine - these people have been some mentally bent they have no damn idea what bus hit them when they deal with an abuser - particularly an N. They still believe the N will somehow say "you were right." They believe the N will somehow "get" it and validate their experience. They can't imagine the 'drug they crave' is the same drug that's killing their very spirit.
The Liberation model assumes the victim is coming from an understanding of self & the situation. But how can you tell someone who learned from birth or impressionable adolescence that purple sky is actually blue? Like rescuing a drowning person they will fight you all the way.
Also, we tend to want to blame. Even we, the 'awakened' still can't GET That not all situations can be quickly fixed, that some of us (like in parenting or spousal support situations) total No Contact can't be achieved. You are going to war and when you do that - the best move is to shor up the warrior - not tell them they allowed the first strike or are allowing the skirmishs.
The 'blame' if any - belongs SQUARELY on the abuser or in our case - N. Period.
Barbara
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
From: UnlimitedHoneybear Sent: 11/19/2006 4:06 AM "I had to face it.....the truth.....that I lived with a person who verbally beat me up on a daily basis"Yup, healing, that is one of CZ's moments of enlightenment, isn't it, when we finally face that what we lived wtih WAS abusive. So many excuses I made for him, so many times of running around behind him like a marital pooper-scooper smoothing over things when he did something disrespectful or hurtful to OTHER PEOPLE, so many years of covering for him when he didn't show up or showed up late to family functions, children's events.........ALL of that was his abusive and diminishing behavior, and I simply accepted that my role was to make sure HE looked good.
Me? I did what CZ has caught herself doing. In private, and in my thought life, I did what so many of us do. I took over the verbal abuse and turned it on myself. Rather than confront HIM, being unable to strengthen the courage to walk away, I just extended HIS role and HIS behavior into my private self-talk. Even now, when I am stressed out over something, I slip back into that mode. It is frightening to really understand that the only way we can even BEGIN to heal and move past those years of conditioning is to be ever-vigilant with how we speak to ourselves.
I have caught myself telling my wonderful "me" that she is too fat, too tall, too lazy, too......too......too........ And that was just this past week, people. I am in SUCH a good place in my life right now, and yet it is like this insidious computer virus that eats away at us. It snakes its way throughout our innermost and most private discussions with ourselves and the only way to NOT revert back to that place is to constantly fight it and constantly be on guard.
This thread was SO timely. CZ, as usual, you have reminded me that how I think about myself and how I speak to myself should be respectful, loving, caring, nurturing, and uplifting. I should NEVER speak to myself any differently than I would speak to my children. And I would never, not in a million years, tell them they were too fat, too tall, stupid, lazy or any of the things I tell myself on a daily basis. We deserve the same kind of motivating encouragement from US that we give the other people we love. And as with them, we will become and live up to how we think about ourselves.
Our private self-talk is one of the most basic and yet one of the most changeable things that we have total and complete control over. We may not be able to change some things in our lives including dealing with the Ns that have affected us so deeply, but we CAN change how we talk to ourselves and that change can make a HUGE difference in dealing with an N. Don't let them win, dear ones, by continuing where they left off in telling ourselves how flawed we are. Instead, begin to look at yourself as beautiful, loving, kind, smart, and all the things we ARE. I mean, I am continually astounded by the greatness of the people here.
Honey
From: Cornfield10 Sent: 11/19/2006 6:25 AM Now I understand why old ladies talk to themselves! When I was in college in my 40's I constantly talked to myself for courage as I walked across campus. It really helped me keep going. That is when I learned about self-talk.
Now I talk to myself because there is no one else in this house at times except the bird and he only likes to talk to the kids. And he doesn't understand narcissism.
I have been telling stories about my past to my grandkids and they are mostly good stories about my childhood achievements. It makes me feel good, and they seem to be doing a good job of tolerating my physical limitations as I notice they reach out a hand if they think I need it and they pick up the things I drop. I can notice the care and compassion as we bond.
Some of my past achievements were really terrific before I chose a life of slavery and drudgery called marriage, and I like myself better when I remember those days.
So the talking to myself and not beating myself up is very therapeutic. I like it.
Cornfield
From: Cornfield10 Sent: 11/19/2006 6:33 AM This thread and these posts should be kept in a folder because it is so precious and worthwhile to understand in order for us to live a better life. I am going to print it out and make one last attempt to get my SIL to read it and absorb it.
I have so few relatives left and would like to keep up contact if it is at all possible.
Yes, I have given up on some relatives out of necessity, but I keep trying on most of them.
The only other things to do is place other people in their roles in my life. I sometimes turn to wise old men instead of women for my conversations and advice. It works.
I think I am an equal opportunity friend.
Cornfield
From: CZBZ Sent: 11/19/2006 10:47 AM "The Liberation model assumes the victim is coming from an understanding of self & the situation. But how can you tell someone who learned from birth or impressionable adolescence that purple sky is actually blue? Like rescuing a drowning person they will fight you all the way."~Barbarany I took Toomey's theoretical construct of Liberation Psychology to bed with me last night in order to better understand her point of view. She is very forthcoming about her life experience as a Catholic nun which I'm sure has bearing on her perspective about 'selfhood' and personal integrity. I felt she was describing our perfection as divine beings before human relationships eroded our 'perfect' sense of self. Our search is a restoration of that perfection which rests on our responsibility to take responsibility for our choices and thus, liberate ourselves. I couldn't see where Toomey had suggested we take responsibility for anyone else's choices; but she does not delve into the manipulations and tactics of the abuser(s) eroding our integrity, self-awareness AND our ability to protect ourselves with healthy boundaries. As I read through her essay, it was easy enough to see how her intention to empower abused women might also trigger our unhealthy self-blame. And also, as you have written this morning Barbara, ask us to restore a personal integrity which we might never have experienced as children. How can we restore something we never had? As you wrote, it's like telling someone the sky is blue while they insist it is has always been purple.
There are limitations to any theory or philosophy, of course. I suppose we are each hoping to find a way to reach people without asking them to read a hundred books and study complicated psychological theories when they are in the middle of a crisis. Because so many people are suffering from PTSD on top of everything else, it's overwhelming to suggest they read a few more books and study object relations so they can understand what just happened to their life! I know you know and everyone else here knows what I mean!
Those of us who were not physically abused, nor had traumatized childhoods, have a responsibility to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. That's how I see it anyway. But I make no pretenses to fully understand what it is like to be physically traumatized or have my childhood stolen from me by abusive parents or other adults. I am learning with my heart paving the way for deeper understanding of our human experience coupled with a desire to speak of this in some manner...because I can. The sky was blue when I was a child sitting in my swing, singing songs to my Heavenly Mother. It only appeared to be dank lifeless gray after living with a narcissist. Each time I clear away more of the fog, the sky is restored to a brilliant azure blue. What of those who never looked towards the heavens and saw color? We are asking them to trust us, to have faith in our suggestions, to risk doing something different than they've done before, to believe in something they've never known and make the 'right' choices so they can have something (liberation) they might not believe exists. It's a lot to ask someone who is skeptical about the goodness, trustworthiness and kindness of human beings.
I appreciate your dialogue about the Liberation model, Barbara. It's important to think critically, recognizing limitations to any theoretical construct in order to serve one another best, most especially in a community of abuse survivors. The last thing any of us needs is to be told we allowed the abuse to continue.
I think the idea that the abused cannot see another option is very hard for people to understand unless they've been conditioned to see the sky as any other color than blue.
Love,
CZ
From: barbarany_9 Sent: 11/19/2006 5:52 PM It is as hard for the unwashed to understand our TRAUMA as it is for people to realize our Ns are N - when they have never had problems with them OR have grown up being codependent or thinking that was acceptable behavior.
How many times have we all encountered people who think our N is such a nice person? And we know TOTALLY different. My estranged NH surrounds himself by people who adore him and he caters to them to maintain the supply. Its gag-me time. His kids? Myself? We were all props. DD said the other day - how come Dad always blames everyone else for stuff HE does? I told her "people who are hurting in their mind do it to try to feel better, its not o.k. and you don't have to take it. When he does that to you, tell me as soon as you can."
I was with a therapist for 8 years whom I liked a lot... I thought. I started mentioning inner spiritual experiences etc. She begged to join a group of herself and 2 other patients who all had "mother issues." I did. What a disaster. All of us had N moms but - because of my appearance (I was an actor for years and always played motherly types) the other two women decided to use me as their stand in for their rage. And the therapist just sat there and let it happen and even encouraged it. I turned to her and said, here I am going thru infertility issues and my own mother issues and you are letting be a punching bag for their displaced anger? I was so traumatized I didn't take her calls for a month nor did I go to any more appointments. When I finally spoke to her she told me she wanted that to happen as "part of a therapeutic process, because she felt I was a strong person and could handle it." WTF!?!?!? 8 years gone!
I LOATHE when people call me strong because they have NO CLUE of the inner turmoil an N victim goes through. Particularly one who has had some N in a power position their ENTIRE lives. And I told her her therapeutic process was bullpocky.
My current therapist whom I only see every once in a while now, tells me that some wounds do NOT heal. You can't push a wound to heal nor can logic heal an emotional wound. Putting the onus for healing on someone who has always been sick is more than unfair - its outrageous.
For one, I am scared to feel good about myself. It seems every time I have in the past, it just acts like a beacon for some N or some superior-thinking person to tell me my behavior is wrong and to try to wipe the boundaries I meticulously maintain away. Its important for all of us to find what works for us... as long as it isn't denial.
Barbara
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
From: CZBZ Sent: 11/20/2006 3:23 PM "Verbal abuse is so insidious because sometimes we don't recognize it as such. I know that my exNH was masterful at saying things that, in retrospect, I now realize was terribly abusive. But he said them in this logical, "I know everything" voice that made you absolutely BELIEVE what he was saying and take it to heart. It was NEVER overtly abusive like ranting or screaming, but there was subtlety and things said in humor that, in retrospect, came from his truth. I just never recognized how abusive a LOT of what he did and said really was because it WAS so subtle." ~HoneyBearSo many of us are wounded before we even noticed we were in a battle. We recognized a growing emptiness only AFTER we suffered serious depletions of self. We unconsciously started filling empty places with 'addictive' behavior. Empty places where our supposed Beloved had stolen what did not belong to him or her: our spirit. This is how I describe my experience with a man who ever so subtly, attacked my integrity when he knew I would not retaliate. The setting was at family gatherings or perhaps in front of guests. As long as there were other people present, he knew a joke at my expense would not result in an argument since maintaining proper decorum was important in my family. We didn't act like animals in public---reserving disagreements for the privacy of our home.
When he got away with one zinger in front of his family and saw I would not react out-of-character, he realized he had a new way to attack my sense of self that was without retaliation. By the time our company had gone home, I'd either dismissed the comment as unimportant or, he was fully prepared with a brain-twister as to why I took it critically when of course, he didn't mean anything-of-the-sort.
So my verbal chiding began with an audience and ended up with him doing so in secret. As we've read many times, verbal abuse escalates if consequences are not enforced. But even this understanding can feel like victim-blaming, as if I ought have stopped this maN from abusing me when I didn't even realize it was abuse! The onus, as always, is on the abuser. If I could have taught that maN how to treat me, he never would have started abusing me. No one teaches an N anything so let's put an end to that kind of thinking, at least for this post.
The first time he attacked me in front of his brother and my sister-in-law, I was stunned! I can remember them staring at me like "Whoah! Is this okay with you?" and rather than escalate the attack into something out of a Jerry Springer episode, my funny bone leaped to my rescue and deflected the negative energy into verbal sparring: a kind of bantering between myself and the rogue husbaNd I was trying to calm down. Now in case y'all think I'm deluded, it's pretty obvious that what I was doing at the time was maintaining an Image; but nonetheless, there's still a time and a place for social propriety and arguing in front of the relatives is not something I'm inclined to do even after my post-doctoral research into NPD. LOL
What would I do differently now? That's a question I've asked myself a hundred times if not a thousand! Because these days, making 'light' of some dumbass comment about the width of my arse or my sexual proclivities would not be allowed to pass-on-by with a joke and a thick skin on my part. I'd call him on it right then and there and if he made an even bigger fool of himself than he already had, he would bear public skepticism about his True Nature, not mine. They'd never walk away wondering why he and I bantered back and forth so nastily. As if I was okay with sparring in such a manner...colluding in my own abuse! My calling him on it would also have reinforced that he could NOT get away with mudslinging in front of other people. But here's the problem: It was always a surprise out-of-the-blue. The startle factor. He gets a head start that way, you know and my brain was still back at 'On your marks...get set...go!' by the time he'd crossed the Finish Line.
Slowly we numb ourselves to the unpredictable onslaught which means the narcissist increases his abuse in order to get the desired reaction. Which is what he wants of course. Now that I understand the narcissist's unconscious (and maybe somewhat conscious) ENVY, it's no surprise my guest's compliments and appreciation for my hospitality triggered his need to demean me in some way. If I was getting praise, he wasn't you see and that meant he needed to knock me down to a manageable size. What an idiot.
One day my son said to me, "Mom! If you'd been buzzing around like the Other Woman was doing when I was there, Dad woulda told you to "F**K OFF!" And my heart sank to my knees to have the reality of my husbaNd's disrespect be so obvious to my children!
To think a woman like myself who'd never even used the 'F' word would be so accustomed to his demeaning treatment that I'd not even react to it anymore?! To know my own children witnessed their father disrespecting their mother is a painful truth to carry in my heart. I see how it began. I know how it ended. If only I had known Verbal Abuse was the result of his values, not his emotions.
I did not know that then but I know it now. Spread the word!
Love,
CZ
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