Made my move!

[~Solo]

Well, I made my move April 6th.  It was the day before my 38th birthday.  What a present for me to wake up the morning of my birthday in my new apartment with my mother.  She was a great help.  I don't think I could have done it without her!  She loves me and I guess I was in such a deficit that just knowing she loves me and being there beside me gave me enough gusto to go.  Unconditional love has such power.  I'm so grateful for her, my mother, my best friend.

I thought that the battle would be over but I can see that the mind twisting has the potential to get even worse if I'm not careful.  This is a balancing act especially considering that I'm really trying to walk on God's path.  I would like to say god will change my husband's heart, but I don't really have that answer.  There are a lot of things going on in the conversations between he and I and mostly he is still back and forth.  I am unsure about doing as Christians say and allowing him to file the paperwork if he wants the divorce.  I can see him postponing my healing if I'm not careful.  Then of course, there is still my confusion about just how much of this is my fault.  He is pretty cunning when it comes to recollection of past events (in his mind anyway).  For instance, I made reference to what he watched on tv and he said that he's NOT watching porn and that "THAT" was a long time ago.  Ha!  He just admited to me a couple weeks ago that he watches it once a week (which is not the truth btw)!  One can only assume that with a N, a separation can only intensify his Nism due to having no one ask him questions or hold him accountable for the hurt he would be causing me.  Now he can watch porn or do what it is he does on line and he can come home late, although he's barely left the house since I moved.  Funny, while I was there he would RUN out of the house everyday because he had SOOOO much to do!  He calmly reminds me that its none of my business what he does (which, in reality is true, but the reasons why I wonder are unseen by the uNaffected eye).  So, that being said, I know how he will portray me.....

Anyhow, I'm hanging in.  Although my mother got sick the day we finished and she went home.  Then I got sick.  We both came down with some sort of respiratory infections that are going around.  The night of the 5th (day before the move), my husband texted me to say he was going to the bar to have a drink and watch the game.  My mom and I were together and I was contemplating up to the last second of signing my lease as to leave or stay (hoping he would all of a sudden change miraculously!).  I called him back and said stay in a hotel, I'm moving my things the next day.  So, he did.  I cried that night and my mom sat with me.  I woke up early and the movers showed at 8:00.  We moved all that I had packed and the furniture.  At 9:00 he had texted me asking if I was O.K.  I said, "fine".  Then he said he was so depressed and still in bed and that he didn't get in till 3:00 am (nice of him to share that!)!  I ignored him.  Then he texted me at 11:00 and asked if he could do anything.  I said, "Too late".  I told him to come by the house after we leave and get showered, get new clothes or whatever he needed because we'd be back to get more in our cars.  So, he did and then texted me saying how sorry he was and how F%#*&@# up this all was.  He put on a really good act.  He texted me for two days like that.  Then his tune changed as I knew it would.  And then again and again his tune continued to change.  Back and forth from sorry it ended like this to I didn't want a divorce but for you to move so we could change the cycle, to you're never going to change, back and forth, back and forth.  

To be continued....

~Solo      
      

[stunned]

Hi Solo!!!!! 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

       

I just stopped by to take a quick looksy -  still working on my taxes - and saw your post.  I am so very happy for you.  Very quickly, I too am a Christian.  I have found that there are many well meaning Christians, but, the only true source of guidance is directly from God.  Keep praying for his guidance on the divorce issue and in time, you will know what to do.

Gotta run.  I owe Uncle Sam, so I need to get this finished before bewitching hour. 

God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers! 

[SusyP14]

((((((Solo))))))

Remember this day, your day of liberation ....one day you will celebrate it 

It is not going to be easy and you will find yourself questioning your decision.  Please know that the longer you are away from the toxins, the clearer all this will become.

We are proud of you and support you 100%

[peartree]

wow Solo that sounds so strong of you and clear !
Congratulations and wishing you easier time ahead and getting clear of N fog !!
peartree x x x

 

[Julia]

solo,

God wants husband and wife to stay together, but he abhors abuse and especially sexual indiscretion like affairs, porn, etc. It sounds like you are well aware of where the church stands on this... I went to see a pastor when I was struggling, and she lifted the burden right off of me. She told me to leave the matter between God and my H, and that if he was ever capable of being repentant, he could turn to God and perhaps a way would open up. But that I should not wait for that, since we both suspected it wasn't going to happen.

I would highly recommend that you speak to someone at church if you feel that it would help. Many biblical churches would absolutely require the man to give up ALL porn, all affairs, turn himself towards God and repent, ask your forgiveness, dedicate himself to really working on the marriage, etc.  You probably dream and perhaps even pray for this..... praying for a miracle, basically. I know I did, for a couple years!!  But it would have to be your NH's sincere prayers that could bring the miracle, not yours. And I think we all suspect that it isn't going to happen, he won't repent in any way. And so you are doing the right thing taking yourself out of the house, honoring God, and yourself, even allowing your NH the lonely space so that he could, perhaps, turn to God.

As for the confusing conversations with your NH - him acting sad, and then blaming-- here is how I interpret that: The sad awww shucks part is him spinning whatever he thinks will work to get him what he wants (the status quo, you+porn). The blaming is the tantrum of an immature man who is frustrated that you are not believing his spin any more. He is not getting what he wants easily, as in the past. All of us spent a number of years being duped.. we believed the spin-- and the NH just chuckled and thought .."That was easy......what a dupe she is.."

The freedom begins when we stop believing them. Sure there is a lot of pain as we wrench ourselves away from our belief in them, belief in the marriage we thought we had, and there is a lot of healing that needs to occur. But you are on your way. It is exhausting, please treat yourself well, and recover from the bad cold.

Julia

[CZBZ]

How inspiring it is to see you move into your own life, despite your fears and reluctance and self-doubt and uncertainty and yes, even HOPE that your soon-to-be-X will 'change'. Not just 'change' as in restricting his impulses and desires, but CHANGE as in no longer having those impulses or desires. CHANGE as in recognizing how much his behavior hurts the women he loves and therefore, doing whatever is necessary to stop himself from hurting you. That's the REAL CHANGE we all hope for---not straight-jacketing the narcissist so he can't hurt people.

Nobody can force a change-of-heart on anyone. The narcissist may want you to change but  he doesn't actually want your heart to change...just your values and principles. If you would only SEE how much he loved his porn, you would WANT him to be happy instead of denying him his porn. That's the change the narcissist wants: freedom to do whatever he or she pleases without anyone telling them what to do, or "Ouch. That Hurt. Stop it."

 

"I am unsure about doing as Christians say and allowing him to file the paperwork if he wants the divorce."

This is not advise really because I can't know for sure. However, if you wait for him to file the paperwork, he may become even more abusive and ruthless in order to justify to himself and others, that he must get a divorce to protect himself from YOU. The good and bad thing about narcissists is that they know right-from-wrong and dislike being the Bad Guy, so they conform to the rules as much as possible (they resent those rules as restrictions on their freedom). The narcissist is 'good' for as long as he or she can stand it, eventually acting out and justifying their behavior. If your husband is forced to get a divorce, he will probably smear your reputation, mentally degrade you into some kind of a Medusa-Monster, see himself as YOUR victim because YOU are making him be 'the bad guy' by filing for divorce. This is one of many explanations as to why it might be best for YOU to file for divorce, so take what you need and leave the rest.  

I filed. I was blamed for filing. My X was 'free' to tell people that HE didn't file for divorce, I did. This allowed him to save 'face' with people who knew and loved his X-wife and frankly, whatever people want to think about why I filed for divorce is None-of-my-Business. The truth is, the narcissist WANTS a divorce or they wouldn't keep doing the things they're doing. They just don't want to take responsibility for getting the divorce.

"He said that he's NOT watching porn and that "THAT" was a long time ago.  Ha!  

He just admited to me a couple weeks ago that he watches it once a week (which is not the truth btw)!"

Whatever the narcissist says out loud is his or her truth for that moment. Other people start doubting themselves rather than questioning the ultra-certain narcissist! You may have experienced a nanosecond of self-doubt wondering if YOU were mistaken because narcissists are so convincing. They say it, they believe it and they expect other people to Suspend All Disbelief and believe them, too. Kinda like a child who says they haven't sneaked in the pantry for a cookie in a long, long time and actually, it had been two hours. To a kid and to a narcissist, if they are NOT sneaking cookies at that very moment, they haven't sneaked cookies for a long, long time. ha!


Hugs and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

CZ

[practicaljude]

And, he got caught with his fingers in the cookie jar

Like a good antisocial, he’s not remorseful for his behavior

He’s upset HE GOT CAUGHT!

Take my hand solo – you’ve taken a big leap!
 
Jude

[~Solo]

Thank you everyone for your kind and thought filled responses.  I'm having tough days emotionally and it's all I can do to keep it together right now.  I know this is normal as a broken heart is bad enough to deal with, without the narcissist's connection to it.  I'm having a hard time keeping the truth straight and having an even harder time trying to decide if I just remain truthful with my N husband by letting him know he isn't fooling me or if I try to save face in some way by giving him the response he is looking for.  He does know EVERYONE in this area we live in!  Yesterday morning he began justifying why we won't make it (all bad things about me) and how I need to look at what makes me the way I am.  It was so maddening and sad at the same time.  Sad that I don't really know who this man is.  Maddening that he can blatantly lie to me and himself.  Sad again, to see that he doesn't love me.....  Still controlling the relationship with his subtle mind manipulations.  My hands are tied as if I'm the one in the straight jacket.  He gives me just enough to make me think there's hope (in repair of our marriage) and to keep quiet and be a good girl to allow him the time to reflect on why he fell in love with me (so he says that's what he's doing!).  Really, I know he's slowly letting go and just trying to do it the easiest way possible for HIM.  If I call him on his stuff, he will say, "see how your mind works!".  "You just don't trust!".  So, I am left to sit quietly in pain..... 

More later...

~Solo   

[peartree]

hi solo
its always heartbreaking to see how deeply their manipulations and completely self-serving behaviour goes and you are right in the thick of it.
you are seeing it though and thats so powerful and great and so he hasnt "won".
you are not a defective person but a strong one and that is so threatening to him so what does he do ? undermine you every way he can - emotionally and psychologically and yet keeps you dependant (or a source of supply) by giving you crumbs of hope that are only crumbs and have no substance behind them.
this is such important work you are doing. hard as if fighting for your life. the life of your soul and self worth and self esteem.
wishing you easier times ahead and clarity on what you need and want and what you deserve (i.e not the pittance he was/is providing !!)
hugs
peartree x x

[Litha]

Congratulations on going solo  

Yesterday morning he began justifying why we won't make it (all bad things about me) and how I need to look at what makes me the way I am.  It was so maddening and sad at the same time.~Solo  

It is maddening when they take zero responsibility for their behavior and try to blame it all on you. I finally decided that conversation with exN was pointless. There was no communication happening, just an endless sucking noise while he drained me of supply.

I agree with SEFG, all they notice is the silence of not being adored.

[SusyP14]

Solo,

I knew the games would begin the minute he realized you are serious and OUT.  We become very dependent on these men.  It is part of the pathology, we just keep trying harder and harder to make it work, to bring them back to us.

Anyway, read this article when ever you need it, Grieving the pathological relationship:

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6641.0.html

[skater]

Solo, congratulations to you for making this move! It can all be so overwhelming at the beginning, and seem insurmountable but one day you will be totally okay with your decision. I went through all this myself last July and spent a couple of months crying and grieving. I think the Sandra Brown article that Susy linked to is excellent. Grief is an important stage that you need to go through as hard as it might seem. We, as partners of N's, spent so much time focused on their feelings and needs it seems odd to be focusing 100% on ourselves (or - hey - even 50% some days!). I had a mantra for myself as I waded through all the emotions - 'Just Keep Swimming' (

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmyUkm2qlhA

) from Finding Nemo! I know, odd choice but I swear when it felt like I was vomit or curl up into a ball I just thought of that little blue fish singing 'Just Keep Swimming' and it helped me. That, and words Melody Beattie said (and I'm paraphrasing) 'you are exactly where you should be right now'. Good luck to you - I'm happy you have such a great mom to help you through this, what a life saver.

[Freezer Burned]

Solo,

Getting your own space - what a great birthday present!   Even though you were exhausted and sick, it was better than being with an N on your birthday.

No matter what you say to the N, it can and will be used against you. I would not betray myself by saying what the N wants to hear, except if I was in fear for my life. There really is nothing left for you to say, you said it all by moving out. If he demands some reply, you could just say "I don't know". The ball is in his court now, he should be the one squirming, apologizing, trying to make amends etc., but of course he is still playing Ngames by trying to get you to feel you should be the one.

I've heard it said several times that the person who files for divorce usually get the better 'deal' legally and financially. When dealing with an N, it's a war, you need to worry about self-defense you don't really have the luxury of worrying about whether it's OK to file for divorce. The N will leave you homeless and penniless if he can.

I am glad you have a good friend/mother close by to help you weather this.

[practicaljude]

My hands are tied as if I'm the one in the straight jacket.  He gives me just enough to make me think there's hope (in repair of our marriage) and to keep quiet and be a good girl to allow him the time to reflect on why he fell in love with me (so he says that's what he's doing)!

First of all I want to share with you are how very strong you are.  I mentioned in an earlier post that statistics show many women never leave an abusive relationship.  Why?  It takes more than guts…it takes faith in yourself…it takes loving yourself and loving yourself more than all your fears wrapped up in one.  

As you can see, even in your darkest hours N is not concerned with your well-being – he is focused on his grieving.  I’m afraid to say this is as good as it gets for him.  Whether it is you or anyone else in his life – he only sees himself.

Regardless, this is a very stormy time for you.  My heart knows that “aloneness” - a painful choice even if it’s the right thing to do.  My heart knows the death of the broken dreams.  I can offer you this – Those dreams are still yours.  It may not feel like it now but those dreams will always be with you…even more dreams – even better dreams.  He cannot take those dreams away; he only altered them.

Don’t forget to take extra care…(Sleeping?  Eating?  A little journaling?   A little exercise?)  Cocoon for a while and safeguard your energy.  Soon, you’ll be feeling lots better and you’ll need that energy for YOU (and however you want to spend it!)
 
Jude

[CZBZ]

"It is maddening when they take zero responsibility for their behavior and try to blame it all on you. I finally decided that conversation with exN was pointless. There was no communication happening, just an endless sucking noise while he drained me of supply." ~Litha

Great comment! This is SOOOOOOOOO True!



Dear Solo,

You could try doing what I did: checking off your husband's wish list of all the things he hates about you that need changing. Which, by the way, he is willing to offer as a 'golden crumb' of hope that your successful intervention on your character flaws will make you worthy of his love.

Remember Clara Harris? Lucky for me, I did NOT run over my husband in my car when discovering he was still sleeping with another woman because I hadn't made adequate progress on my imperfections.

This is how crazy some of us get during the Devalue and Discard if we don't know what's going on. Once I learned about NPD though, I stopped trying to EARN a man's love. Nothing short of the Stepford wife would please him and even then, he'd get mad if he had to recharge her batteries.

Right up til the final moment when i was driving away from our dream home, he was still saying "We don't know where this is all headed, do we?" which had I NOT done my NPD homework, would have obsessed my brain for the several hour trip to a new residence I could afford on my own.

No matter what he SAID, I took it from there--infusing meaning and hope and love into his words while ignoring his behavior. Once I quit doing THAT by forcing myself to look at his behavior, it was pretty darn clear to me where things were headed: divorce court. Unless of course, I was willing to sacrifice my self-respect, dignity and sense of worth in the hopes that ONE DAY he'd stop sleeping with other women because "I" had changed enough to suit his egotistical superiority.

No other person can ever be good enough to get someone to stop drinking, to stop sexing around, to stop self-and-other destructive behavior.

We are scapegoats so they can justify their bad behavior by projecting flaws onto us. That's it. AND, you can never be a pretty enough garbage can to please the unpleasable narcissist who is more than willing to examine everyone else's flaws, but never his own. NEVER his own.


Hugs,
CZ

[honeybearII]

The day I found him in my home with another woman, he said to me, "YOU can make me a better man.  YOU can make me a good husband.".  I just stared at him, because it hit me upside the head that he BELIEVED it was my job to "fix" him. 

On top of that, he laid on me several days later a whole list of things "that need to be addressed if I am going to be attracted to you again".  They included getting help for my "anger issues" as well as my "secretiveness" and a whole bunch of other stuff that it took me several years of therapy to recognize as HIS issues - not mine.  Projection is alive and well when dealing with an N, believe me.

It is not our job in life to fix anybody but ourselves.  Period.  Even with our children, we are their as guides and models, but we certainly have no responsibility to then fix whatever we perceive as being wrong with them.  And that most definitely goes for a marriage partner.  We get what we get, and if we don't like what we get, then we need to either live with it WITH LOVE, or move on.

Honey

[FreeGal]

solo - CONGRATULATIONS

You are brave and you know what you need to do!  No Contact as best you can!

Just keep reading - threads, posts, articles, blogs, web info, books, forums - keep building your knowledge, keep understanding what you've left, it takes time, don't react right away to anything he throws at you - make space, breathe, make time slow down!

The power of now, live in the moment, smell the roses, be peaceful... you need time to heal!

We're rootin' for ya ( I love this icon!)
FreeGal

[~Solo]

Thanks so much everyone.  You all have such valuable insight and experiences.  It's such a twisted time in life.  I was just telling my mother how he and I had the perfect "opportunity" in our lives to  find each other, marry and have a child or two.  Four year anniversary tomorrow.  Not marriage but officially together.  I thought he was the answer to prayer, a second true love!  My first true love was at 16.  That lasted for about 7 years.  We were young and grew into life apart.  So, I had relationships but never like him till I turned 34.  Then along came N.  Maybe we will NEVER feel that same way again as we did when we first fell in love.  Boy, I thought this was it though.... 

I keep going through my mind how I reacted in ways that I'm not proud of.  I became increasingly suspicious and very tough on his timing.  I haven't found another woman, but I did find porn.  Recently he told me he didn't like my perfume, but maybe I could try, "such and such" perfume.  He said it reminded him of high school.  I said, "honey, that perfume wasn't out when you were in high school".  He said, "ok, well I was standing in line about a year ago next to a woman who was wearing "such and such".  I asked her what it was.  Mind you - this was during our last attempt to make progress in our relationship and move forward somehow together.  Thinking of this isn't clear that something happened but it is clear just how inconsiderate he can be.  Why would he tell me that?  I would never tell him that sort of thing.  That would make a person's mind wonder.  There were a lot of times I felt he was doing or saying things to make me wonder....

Honey, reading what you just wrote hit me too....about fixing him.  My N said that I knew he had intimacy issues, then asked, "So why didn't you help me with it?".  Like he didn't need to do his part of loving me and giving like a warm blooded body and heart does.  It was near impossible to help him while I was on empty! 

CZ, yep, "We don't know where all this is headed.  Do we?"...I've been asked stupid questions too, like, "So this is it?  This is the end of our marriage?"  Right after he said he wants a divorce, then I say, "you can have it" and walk away!  I think they want us to confirm once again so that's it's clear we are the ones making the final confirmation.
btw- funny about the Stepford wife and the batteries!

Jude - thanks.  you're are such a mom!  So helpful and kind & very supportive with your uplifting words!

Freezer burned - yes, great present.  Even though I'm still trying to open it!!

Skater - Thanks for the you tube link and Nemo!! 

 More to the rest of you who I didn't get a chance to answer to....running to get with company.  Thank you...thank you....thank you all!!!!!!! 

~Solo 
   

     

     

[practicaljude]

Ya know what solo?  I’m not really a mom – meaning I don’t have any kids.  What I’ve got is about 6 years of waking up each day and realizing I’m alone.  The “alone” has ranged from feelings of broken dreams, severe depression and suicidal thoughts “alone” to, “Good morning world…it’s a beautiful day and What kind of fun can I get into today"? and, "Hot damn - It feels good to be here alone," “alone".

Lemma tell ya, it took some serious work to get from A to C.  I saw a therapist for some time, and I was on antidepressants for a while, but I feel my most work was accomplished here on WoN – reading and sharing stories.  Your post sends me energy – the kind healing energy you can’t pay for or find in a pill.  I’m hoping to send you some energy back; you’re days will be better but it’s a long road – a worthwhile trip but a long trip.  You’ve already made a huge plunge to peace…please know your questions will be answered and it will feel better in time.

 
Jude

[stunned]

"Your post sends me energy – the kind healing energy you can’t pay for or find in a pill.  I’m hoping to send you some energy back; you’re days will be better but it’s a long road – a worthwhile trip but a long trip.  You’ve already made a huge plunge to peace…please know your questions will be answered and it will feel better in time."practicaljude

Solo, Jude is right on here!  We all know the desperation, frustration, lonliness and sadness you are feeling at this time.  We've all been there.  The thing that helped me through what you are going through was this forum.  I sat in front of my pc for weeks, reading, leaning, journaling and trying to understand.  

The more you read, the more energy to heal you will find.  

The two greatest hurdles for me to conquer were:

• The Crazymaking, Contradictory Word Salad, and
  
• The cruelty, the realization that I never meant anything to this man, that it was all a game he was thoroughly enjoying right down to the vicious ugliness at the end.

A common phrase used on this forum in the beginning is, "I just can't wrap my head around ..."

This was not my first N relationship.  But, thanks to the WoNderful Women of Won, the pain did not last as long, and I finally understand and know that I was not responsible for his behavior, that the horrible things he said to me were trully projection and not a reflection of me.  

Keep reading, especially in your darkest moments and journal.  I recently went back and looked at some of the things I wrote during that very dark time, and now I can see just how crazy his accusations and insults were.

It takes time.  But you will get there and you will feel so much better as time passes away from him.

NC is the only way.  It is the one thing they cannot use to turn against you and make you feel worse, and for me, there was a certain satisfaction knowing that I was empowered and that he no longer controlled my emotions.

I still felt sad, and had dark days, but, those were my emotions, not emotions he invoked with his callous and sometimes vicious words.

We are all here with you.  There is so much compassion, empathy, understanding and love here...everything you need to heal, and you will, in time.  

Hugs and God Bless.  

ps.  The comment about the one who files first has an advantage is indeed accurate!  The attorney who files chooses the judge.  Some judges are very "H"/"Dad" biased, and some are "W"/"Mom" biased.  Good divorce attorneys know who they are and file with the judge whose bias will favor you.

 

[~Solo]

Freegal, SusyP14, Litha, SEFG - I hope that's everyone that I missed.....  Thanks for your posts that I didn't comment on.  Everyone is so helpful.  I want to say that I haven't been much in answering in other posts and I guess I feel like I'm still learning and I have been busy with re-settling.  I am reading and want you to know that.  I know it's not all about "me"!!   

Last night was an interesting eve.  It's interesting because I got a call from my N husband.  He called me to thank me for coming up the other day.  He said he realizes that he's not doing much on his part (head scratch because why would he?  HE wanted a divorce!).  He also said that it was sweet of me.  Then he made reference to me laying by the pool where I live implying that men would see me out there and want to come down.  Anyway, those three things were the nicest things he has said to me in 8 months other than I look nice when I would dress to go out.  I remembered the comment that I read on here stating that the N only hears the SILENCE.  Well, I have only been answering his questions and not asking him for anything.  Ya know, then I began to think, "why would I want to play THIS game to WIN his love?  I cannot go on like this for love!  It's totally crazy.  You mean he's just realizing he isn't doing his part?  HELLLLLOOOOOOO!   Besides, I didn't trust any of it.  For all I know, he's attempting to butter me up because he needs a dog sitter or he just slept with someone else or .... who the heck knows.  What's important is that I didn't find him charming in the least.  It's hard still of course and I cried when I put the groceries into my car after shopping and drove home.  I over bought as I'm used to having an assortment around in which to make nice meals with.  I'm still eating well...in fact-VERY well.  I was eating yogurt before - JUST yogurt.  As I said, my hair fell out and I lost weight.  I'm working back into good health.  Especially since I caught that darn respiratory bug that was going around.  Oh, and I went for a road bike ride into a beautiful canyon with a friend today.  I made it 30 miles.  Not a bad start.  I think I will be okay.....   My goal is to learn quickly and to not bottle ANYTHING.  I realized that I wasn't charmed by HIM, but I still cried for ME!  I want to get closure and move on to the man I'm meant to love, who will reciprocate.  I do not want perfection nor do I want the electric love with the "sweep you off your feet" () feel.  I want the relaxed love.  REAL LOVE 

For now,
~Solo