Since I was born into the Land of Narcissism, the only thing that I was
stunned about was that normal people
don't interact this way? Really, we can just Agree to Disagree and everyone can be totally okay with that? In the Land of Narcissism there are only winners or losers, and a discussion which has turned into an argument which has escalated into a full blown fight never ends unless someone admits defeat by claiming to the victor; Yes,
you're right and
I was wrong.
I remember a moment back in college when my boyfriend (now husband) & I started an innocent discussion on where we should hang a particular painting. The discussion, went to an argument and escalated to a full blown attack w/me degrading his talent and questioning his ability to be a successful designer in the future.
Why he didn't leave that night amazes me. I was his biggest fan & supporter up until that moment and just because he disagreed w/me, in an instant it was WW3. I don't know what came over me. I never acted like that the 3 previous years we were together. At the time we wrote it off as extreme PMS, but looking back I now know it was Learned Behavior triggered by the fact that we were setting up house. In the Land of Narcissism equality between two people does not exist. A house has room for only one ruler, either rule or be ruled. You either show dominance or be dominated. Been there, done that, not going to do
that again. In the Land of Narcissism the Nparents constantly fought w/each other. I knew I wanted the opposite of
that relationship, so if they fought
all the time, then if I found my soul mate it would mean that we would have to never fight & agree all the time, even on the small stuff, like the placement of a painting on a wall. If we agreed about
everything, surely that was the sign that we were meant to be together. If Nparents fought all the time and finally got a divorce, the opposite of that, the
Ideal Love, Real Love, True Love meant
always agreeing with one another. I was also in my early 20's, so that could have had played apart too. Even with the Young Love-Ideal Love way of thinking, a normal person would conclude okay he disagrees w/me so I guess we are not soul mates end of conversation, but not me. Rejecting my opinion meant rejecting me and I took it very personal that night and went for the attack. I didn't even have to think about it, one ugly statement after another until I badly hurt the one person who truly loved me. Wow, I was raised to be a N! My H refers to this night as the night I was possessed by an evil demon. Now we know the evil demon has a name N Vamp Mom. I was coping what Nparents did to one another w/out thinking. So what stopped me from becoming a full blown card carrying N? It was the extreme hurt I saw in my best friends/boyfriends eyes, knowing that
I was the cause of his pain, that painful truth convicted me in that very moment. You know I can't even remember what that darn painting was a picture of, I will have to ask H if he remembers. All I remember is the pain I placed in his eyes and that I never want to do
that again to my best friend. Thank you God for the Spirit of Conviction--it is such a blessing and saved our relationship. That weekend we promised one another that we would not let things get out of control and that it is okay to Agree to Disagree. And of course what happens when you have learned something new. . . another test.
While at an Italian ice cream shoppe we discussed which ice cream flavor we were going to choose to romantically share together. He wanted plain vanilla and I wanted chocolate w/something else added to it, almonds, brownie (I can't remember). If I went w/
his choice, that meant I had to give up what
I wanted and if we went w/
my choice that meant
he had to give up something
he wanted. His choice wasn't hurting anyone, so why did I get so defensive? I had to give up things my whole life, so I wasn't going to lose the
Battle of Ice Creams. Before I knew it, I found myself saying plain vanilla is a boring choice, only boring people pick plain vanilla, and you're not a boring person sweetheart, so lets go w/a flavor that is more enjoyable and interesting, like (my choice). Well, this discussion turned into an argument thanks to my judgmental comments. When my H repeated back to me what I had just said, it convicted me. I was once again judging his choice & opinion and just because it was different than mind it didn't mean that it was automatically wrong and that I should diminish, devalue, and disrespect it. I was humbled by his honesty on how I made him feel by judging his choice. I was remorseful and determined to change and not do this again. Sure we could have gone w/
his choice, or
my choice, or choose the option neither of us considered, where the both of us benefit, which is to compromise and have Chocolate & Vanilla. We discovered that day
The Art of Compromising and that Chocolate & Vanilla are better together than they ever were apart. Sometimes there are no right or wrong choices/answers. Sometimes it's just about Chocolate or Vanilla. To this day, if H and I have a disagreement we will ask one another, Is this a Chocolate or Vanilla discussion? When at all possible we go for the combo. We also agree that the choices we come up w/are
just suggestions that we each get to decide on, neither of us own a certain choice, it is
just an option and if the option that a certain person just happened to came up w/doesn't get selected, then it doesn't mean that it is a rejection of that person, because it is only an option and nothing more. The world will not come to an end, and we wont spontaneously explode if the option we came up w/doesn't get selected. Now we don't spend our energy on defending a certain option, instead we challenge ourselves to make sure that we have discovered all the possible options. We don't decide what is best for
him, or what is best for
me. We don't even limit ourselves to keeping track & taking turns. We don't decide well last time we went w/
your choice, so this time we have to go with
mine. We decide what is best for
us. What will benefit
us the most.
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Topic: Fun Game! (Read 1548 times)
