I think I have a narcissistic mother

[bella]

  Hi,

  I'm glad I found this forum.  After doing some reading, I'm pretty sure I have a N mother.  I feel like I am going crazy most of the time.  I had to move back home...lets see...dad died...I was layed  off from my job after thirteen years and I moved in with mom to help pay bills.  I am a full time student and graduate in December, but I don't know how much more of my mother I can stand without killing myself.  I pay all her bills, but never a day goes by she doesn't remind me of her house..that she can throw me out and that I'm lazy.  My N mother likes to tell my all the time about how big my butt his and how fat I am, even though my boyfriend says I'm not fat.  However, I get paranoid and think what if I am fat..that makes me worthless because according to my mother fat people are bad, lazy and worthless.  I am making straight A's toward my degree but I am reminded about how stupid I am.  Mom like to throw it in my face that I can't keep a man and that my long distance relationship with my boyfriend is fake and not real.  I always felt like I'm never good enough and have thought about killing myself often, but I see a future when I get out of school and a life with my boyfriend that keeps me from doing so.  She screams at me..slams doors and give me the silent treatment for days because maybe she watered the grass and felt I was suppose to so she going to punish me by slamming doors and not speaking to me.  I'm trying to hang on till I graduate from school and get employment so I can leave.  At the same time she wants me to pay to remodel her house because she cannot afford to do so herself.  She jacks with my head saying by living together I can have a better life and we can have more and if I move out I never be able to afford a home of my own.  In the same breathe she reminds me this is her house and she can throw me out at anytime and how lucky I am to not be in homeless shelter right now.   In my head, I am thinking why would I pay all this money to help her remodel a house that she can just throw me out of, when she's done?  What kind of mother treats their only child like this?  Most days I hid out from her because it doesn't take much to set her off.  At the same time she tells me I'm psycho and the neighbors are scared of me.  The next door neighbors talk me more than they do her?  She also like to tell me I scare people.  Is this an N trait to come up with stuff like this?  Then I get paranoid I think omg between my big fat butt and people being scared of me how will I ever get a job.  Even though I know none of it is true, but I hear it soooo much...it just jacks with me.  Then she will turn around and tell her friends how proud she is of me and how well I am doing in school.  Then turn around tell me how lazy and psycho I am...?  Does that sound like N disorder?  I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to live like this; most of the time I hate myself and hate life.   I guess the best think I can do is try to understand N personality and go from there...  

Thanks, I really just needed to vent and be nice to have someone who understands what it is like to talk too

Kind Regards,

Bella

[CZBZ]

"Then she will turn around and tell her friends how proud she is of me and how well I am doing in school.  Then turn around tell me how lazy and psycho I am...?  Does that sound like N disorder?  I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to live like this; most of the time I hate myself and hate life.   I guess the best think I can do is try to understand N personality and go from there... " ~Bella


That's pretty much it in a few sentences. Your mother treats you like crap behind-the-scenes. Using YOU as a garbage can for her feelings and projections. then in front of public, she acts as if you're the best and most talented daughter in the world. How narcissistic your mother may be can only be determined by a qualified therapist (though she probably refuses to go to therapy because YOU are the problem, not herself.) In this one sentence, you have managed to let everyone here know that you are dealing with a narcissistic mother and yes, we all know how crazy-making that can be.

They are vicious and ruthless behind closed doors but when they're on stage, why My-Oh-My, it's as if they're trying out for Parent of the Year.

The narcissistic relationship is so difficult for children's self-esteem and self-confidence. A lot of people who were raised by narcissistic parents feel pretty lousy about themselves. There's always something wrong with us---even fat butts. We live under constant scrutiny which makes us very insecure. And yet, Mama or Papa professes how much they love us and how great we are when they have an audience. It IS terribly disorienting.

By the way, I live with my daughter now. She moved in after being on her own for many years. We have never had conversations like what you've described so from my point of view, your mother's behavior is NOT normal!


Hugs and Welcome!

CZ

[bella]

 

   Thanks for the reply CZ.  I am currently reading about N personality and this is all sounding so familiar.  Somehow, I have this gut feeling that either I put up with it or walk away forever.  Right now since I don't have a job I have empowered her to treat me this way, but as soon as I have employment again, I'll prob watch her do a song and dance and make me feel guilty for leaving.  I don't think it's accident that I ran across this info on the net and it makes so much sense, as to what I've been going through my whole life with her.   

  Kind Regards,
  Bella

[CZBZ]

One thing most people can attest to is that when we are 'vulnerable', the narcissist increases bullying behavior. Because you need to stay with your mother right now, she sees herself as having more power and control than you do. It's completely backwards from the way normally empathic people behave. When someone is vulnerable or dependent on us, our empathy takes charge and we do NOT see this as an opportunity to sling a few more arrows.

Was she always highly critical of your appearance or did this happen once you were becoming more independent as a college student?? Narcissists typically undermine our self-confidence so we won't abandon or reject them. They make sure we are very aware of our shortcomings, imperfections, etc. etc. etc. and blow those things WAY OUT OF PROPORTION. In a marriage, this might mean the non-narcissist begins to believe he-or-she is incapable of a healthy relationships. As if the narcissist is the ONLY person in the world who would Put Up With Us.

Don't let your mother's criticisms weigh you down, bella. I'm sure you are a truly wonderful.

If you're just starting to learn about narcissism, don't hesitate asking questions. WoN started in 2005 and has a solid group of powerfully smart, highly resilient, and generous people who are willing to support fellow board members. Some of us have skinny butts, some have large ones, some of our butts are jiggly and others are tight-as-a-drum. BUTT, we are WoNderful Women of Worth and no narcissist in the world can take that away from us. 


Hugs,
CZ

[bella]

 
   Yes, she been highly critical of me my whole life.  My she been on my case, sense my dad passed and I was lay-ed off from my job, I've gained about 30lbs, so she really been getting digs at me because of this.  I was just discussing this with my boyfriend the other night saying when I was a size 6 she was telling me how big my butt was then, so doesn't matter what size I am, she makes a dig always.  I was asking him his opinion of this the other day, because I wasn't sure how to take it because it sounded insulting to me but then I thought maybe I am just too sensitive, as I have been told my whole life.  Mom goes around saying, "Nobodies fat bothers me, but my own."  My thought is if its not an issue then why would she even say that to begin with; I feel like she trying to be nice and insulting all at the same time.  Her sister got depressed and gained a lot and she said this same thing to her and I couldn't read what she was thinking she kept a blank look, but I wondered if made her feel same way as me but I couldn't ask her about it because mom never left room long enough to have a private convo.   My mother is vain herself, is always worried if she looks like she has aged any, had pride when she runs into someone she knows and they've aged and she likes to feel good she looks younger than them, and I'm sure if she could afford it she have plastic surgery in a heartbeat.

[bella]

   Also, I made a comment that people in my classes at school thought I was in my twenties and couldn't believe that that I was thirty-four, well that was a mistake.  Mother said, that because my weight gain plumped my face up and smoothed out the wrinkles.  Nice, huh?  I never had any wrinkles to smooth out, but I think that's how N mothers are, right?

[Litha]

Welcome bella (are you a twilight fan?)

I'm sorry you are living with someone so hurtful, but this is a great place to heal. I am grateful every day for this forum, it's been a lifeline for me to hold onto between sessions with my therapist.

I thought maybe I am just too sensitive, as I have been told my whole life.  Mom goes around saying, "Nobodies fat bothers me, but my own."  My thought is if its not an issue then why would she even say that to begin with; I feel like she trying to be nice and insulting all at the same time.

That sure does sound like a narcissist, dishing out candy-coated insults then blaming you for being too sensitive. As if dipping the knife in honey before they stab you in the back should sweeten the blow.

[tango3]

Hi Bella and welcome to WoN. 

I was married to an N for 23 years - didn't actually realise it until after he devalued, discarded and deleted me   I had two children with him, my daughter is kind of ok but my youngest son was almost destroyed by him.  Mea culpa but I never realized just how bad it was during my son's teenage years.  I had health problems and I can only assume I was deep in depression and was withdrawn from the world.  I knew my son was unhappy but thought it was because he hated school.  Subconsciously, I knew that their relationship was bad and I kept trying to find things for the pair of them to do so that they could "bond".  Fortunately (in the end) these things never worked out.

I found out just how bad things were for my son when I brought him home after he had a psychotic break and tried to commit suicide.  I was devestated to hear just how brutalized he had been by stbxN.  The toll N parents take on their children is just incredible.  You are a few steps ahead of the game as you now know what your mother is.  My son doesn't want to admit what his father is and is still trying to reach out to him. 

The most important thing you must realize is that your mother will never change, nothing on earth you do will make any difference.  You can starve yourself down to a size 0 and become CEO of a Fortune 500 - won't matter to your mother. 

Nina Brown wrote a pretty good book Children of the Self-Absorbed - if you haven't come across it, I recommend it.

[SusyP14]

Hi Bella and welcome to the board,

I have a Narc mother, but she is pretty low level even though she loves to dig about my weight as well.  Years ago, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding.  She wrote me a letter and told me that I was too fat to be in the wedding.  NICE.  Apparently I would not project the perfect image that she wanted for the wedding pictures.

After that lovely poision pen letter, I told my mother that she was NEVER to bring up my weight again.  NEVER.  I told her that I did not care if I showed up weighing 500 lbs or 82 lbs, she was never to comment.  Nothing good, bad or indifferent.  Setting boundaries like that works with her.  I am not sure if that would work with your mother or not, but it is worth a try.

Your mother sounds more lethal.  I wonder if there is a way to find alternative living arrangements until you graduate?  You may be living there for free, but you are paying a super high price for it.  Every day that your self esteem is erroded by the constant insults, put downs and devaluations is a day you will have to find alternative ways to disengage from her toxins and build yourself up.

Aside from the book that Tango suggested, here is a good website:

http://willieverbegoodenough.com/index.php#

[peartree]

" In my head, I am thinking why would I pay all this money to help her remodel a house that she can just throw me out of, when she's done?  What kind of mother treats their only child like this? "

hi bella,
glad you are here.
she sounds like she wants to keep you feeling crapo about yourself so you stay tied to her and demeans your intelligence and relationship and appearance to keep you dependant. she does seem to have very N traits. awful that you have lived with that sort of mother. can you move out sooner than you hope ?  sounds like she is sucking your life out of you. is your boyfriend supportive/good to you ?
wishing you easier times ahead and the right decisions to help you care for you,
Peartree x x x

[bella]

   Thanks Everyone!  I'm really glad to have found this site and finally be able to put two and two together with the issues I have.  I have been doing some checking and found some apartments that do rent to unemployed; I had no idea anyone would do that.  They're not the greatest but if it come down to that and I just can't take anymore, then it will do.  My boyfriend is supportive, but he currently lives in England, but he will be staying with me All of November, December and first week January.  I'll be curious to see how mom acts when he's around.  It's most odd too because she seems to like him and I've never had a boyfriend she actually liked, but I have a feeling that because he in another country and she doesn't see him as a threat right now, but that could change so I keep that in the back of my mind.  My boyfriend Ste, is moving to the state in May next year, but for now we talk on web cam everyday or night for me and I tell him about my mother expecting him to run it would scare anyone off but no he's up for the challenge.  I've had problems with my mother running boyfriends off in the past and friends for the matter she always found something wrong with everyone I've ever liked.  That must be why she only got like one friend herself, she so critical that most people could never measure up.


Again, Thank for sharing your opinions, thoughts, and stories

I know I'm going to learn so much from you guys and come out stronger  

Kind Regards,
Bella

p.s.  No, not a twilight fan.  My first cat, that I had in high school was named Bella and that's how I came about to like that name.  

[LettingGo]

  Bella, so you have discovered you have a Counterfeit Mother too! Narcissism sucks and it will destroy the person you were created to be -- IF you let it! Being Born into the Land of Narcissism is horrible to say the least, but there is an escape route! Independence it the first key to escape their evil grasp on you and I'm glad to hear that you are looking into that and will remove that hook soon. Looking forward to raising a glass of sparkling cider to celebrate your Independent Day -- keep us posted! You deserve to be loved & cherished just because you were born and nothing more. NVampMothers are incapable of giving & receiving love because they lack both a conscious and a heart. What kind of Mom puts their D down? Real loving Moms don't-- that's why I refer to our kind as the Counterfeit Mother. I have a high level N, but didn't know how extreme she was until the illusion of a Mother was completely broken and I could see her w/out the scales of denial covering my vision. It is a very scary thing to discover just how evil these NVampM truly are and how they actually find pleasure in your pain. I just want to let you know that there are people here who have been where you are now, and have been through what you are about to go through -- remember, you are not alone. I can relate to what you are going through. I just went (NC) No Contact last year w/NVampm and last week I just discovered that one of my S is a N too. I don't know if you like writing, I never knew it would be so rewarding until I started last year. I highly rec. it! Here is a link  you might find interesting,
http://dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.com/2010/04/great-counterfeits-in-land-of.html

Most importantly, please know that the NVampM are the ones w/the problem of not having a heart, so they will be going after yours every chance they get. Try to look at them as pathetic beings, but do not pity them to the point that you remain connected, use the pity for them to separate & protect yourself. Having self-care is not being selfish, as the NVampM will have you believe to keep you trapped!

[FreeGal]

Bella,  Welcome to the forum!!  

I am separating from a 16 year marriage to a N, but interestingly and to your story, I think I married my mother (at least unfinished business with her!) so that makes her N too!  

When I think back, she used to always refer to my weight too.  She would notice 3 - 5lb gains - incredible!  I wish I had stood up to her, but in the end I have suffered from body image my whole life - I work out like a fiend and am currently on a cleansing diet...oh mother!!!

I notice her weight gain as she is getting older, but do you think i would ever say anythng?

Your life is being stalled, you are being hurt and time is going by with the effects your N mother is having on you.  I agree with the other gals on the thread who suggest considering new living arrangements.  Also, the more you read about Narcissism, the more ammunition you will have to protect yourself.

You sound lovely, have good goals and a nice sounding boyfriend - staying clear - No Contact (or as little as possible) with the NM will make your life so much better!

FreeGal