Originally posted February 22, 2006
When N-Dads Leave
From: woundedbutrecoveringinCA (Original Message) Sent: 2/22/2006 12:16 PM In another thread, Zivot said:
"My spouse always had a good relationship with our kids. He always told them that he loved them and played in the front yard with them. No one ever critized his love for the kids. ...When we were separated, my therapist told me that he will eventually leave. I could not accept this since he was still the perfect dad (at this point, I did not realize that he was an N). "I too was taken by a stealth N -- perfect dad, upstanding citizen, church-going, pilar of the community, but only when there was someone to notice. My therapist, to whom I shall forever be grateful, suggested Nism in my second or third sesson with her. That is when things started making more sense. OK, they still didn't make sense, but the d&d and his bizarre behavior could at least be explained by this weird personality disorder called Narcissism.
My therapist also predicted that the N would distance himself from the kids, but not until they became closer to their teen years and stopped adoring and idolizing him.
"I noticed that as the kids, especially our son, approached being a teen and having his own opinion, he power struggled more with him. This is when the perfect dad imagine became evident to me....The kids brought him glory too but what the dad needed even more was their attention. They no longer placed him number one in their lives."
Guess what?! 11.75-year-old daughter is fully swinging into pre-teenhood. Her friends are more important than family, she is forming her own opinions. As you say, this is age appropriate behavior, all a part of growing up. But this means she is no longer Daddy's little girl.
8.75-year-old son is finding other male father figures. So what does xNh decide to do? Move out of state, and in with the OW! I say YIPPPPEEEE-SKIPPPEEEE!!! Of course this will be difficult for the kids, who truly love their father, but my life will be easier as the xNh makes choices that result in less contact with me. In keeping with Nism, the xNh told me he has been wanting to move for quite some time, but felt he couldn't until the kids had another father figure in their life. He even sees himself as replaceable, and seems to feel the kids will find him replaceable too. Creepy.
It is impossible for me to fathom how a parent could not feel a deep connection with their children. But I guess some pareNts are that way. My therapist also told me that it is not possible for those of us with true, authentic selves to begin to understand how it is to NOT have a true self. She's right -- I cannot understand why this maN would so willingly walk away from two precious children. But I can understand how it fits in with the pattern of Narcissism. They are no longer providing serious supply for him. The OW is a better provider. And, they (the kids) are expecting more of him emotionally, expecting him to be a mature adult instead of just a playmate. Of course the N cannot deliver, so he feels threatened and must leave.
Adieu, I say. Although it will be very painful for the children to not have regular contact with him, I believe our family will be better off in the end.
Any other stories out their of pareNts who fade away when the kids stop adoring them?
--Recovering
Message deleted by I_Was_Blind
From: Zivot1 Sent: 2/22/2006 4:08 PM Our daughter was 11 years old and our son was 15 years old. It was difficult for them to imagine our family any differently than what they have know it, however, as they got older, the power struggles became more obvious and soon the Nfather developed the same tense relationship he had with me.
As the children get older and more like adults, they are more of a threat to the Nfather because they are able to use their own reasoning to figure out that something is wrong with dad. Remember that Ns are control freaks and how in the heck will they control someone if they have a brain and an opinion?
The relationship between your children and their Nfather will change. There is nothing that you could do to prevent, delay, postphone or change about it. It will be a natural occurrence. It is part of development having an Nparent.
I would like to offer my suggestion that you do help them along the way to cope with their feelings with their father if needed. The Nparent just does not stop at making our live miserable but has no mercy on the children either and will confuse that child just as we have felt confused for years!
Things will work out. YOu see, your children have a brain of their own - one of the N's greatest fears.
From: Zivot1 Sent: 2/22/2006 4:17 PM I Was Blind,
You wrote that your spouse has financially and emotionally abandoned the children. One day he will physically leave the children too. They are still giving him the attention that he needs but as soon as he finds another interest or your children find interest (like boyfriends or girlfriends) that seem to have a priority over him, he will be physically gone too!
There are lots of ways that you could help your children and guide them without them realizing it or bashing their father.
To daughter "You are so active and burn so many calories, that you are so lucky that you don't have to count every single calorie. All long as you are active and eat healthy, you won't have to worry about weight". OR " some people that are active don't think about the calories that they burn up with that activity but instead don't enjoy themselves because they think that they have to deprive themselves of food. As long as you are active and eat healthy and take in as many calories and you burn off, then you will look like you forever"
Hopefully your daughter will be able to put together that she can eat if she is active and that dad telling her that she is active and next telling her that she has gained weight, have nothing to do with one another. Just help her figure it out.
From: Determined_Allie Sent: 2/23/2006 7:15 AM Wounded
In my case the XNH started to emotionally abandon our daughter long before he left. The emotionally abandonment started when she was about 8 years old. The physical abandonment took him over 4 years. He alternated between hating and resenting me to hating and resenting her and then he hated and resented both of us together. As I pieced the behavior and patterns together of the XNH, look back and hear how he abused my daughter and myself I can see exactly where it was all going. Daughter was growing up rapidly and was not giving him the attention that was needed. She wasn't the trophy child any longer. When we went out she didn't garner the attention that she did as a baby or young child. She was voicing her own opinions and becoming a person in her own right. They were fighting constantly. After he left she tried for several months to have a relationship with him but found it impossible. As my daughter said XNH is negative, hateful,critical about everyone and everything, filled with rage and anger, controlling and still abusive. Her thoughts as she expressed to me were that just because he left and moved in with OW and her sons didn't mean his behavior, patterns and mental illness changed. As far as she was concerned it only fueled the fire within him. Even after telling him what she felt he persisted in contacting us. She hasn't had contact with XNH in over 2 years except for a brief Christmas lunch in 2004. She is indifferent to his efforts to establish some kind of relationship with her. Daughter has established some very firm boundaries with him and told him what they are. She has made it very clear as to what he needs to do in order to have a relationship with her. She also knows that he will never change his life or his lifestyle. So, he finally gave up trying to contact either one of us.
I have sole legal custody so legally there is nothing he can do. I also had it written on the custody order that it is her choice and decision whether or not she wants contact with him and what kind of contact. XNH also signed away all parental rights to her - he did not know it at the time but he did. She is also over 12 and in Ontario, Canada he cannot insist on visitation rights with her because the courts recognize that a child of this age has a right to make the decision for themselves.
As for the emotional damage he did to her, she struggles with it subconsciously. She knows that many of her actions result from XNH calling her stupid, lazy, idiot, moron, crazy, mentally ill, fat, ugly. He called her a loser. Told her that nobody would ever like her or love her. Told her that he never wanted her and didn't want to be a father. Etc, etc., I think everybody here knows the abuse tactics. She has stuggled with this for over two years and more and more comes out. Most of this happened when I wasn't around. So, he not only projected on to me but on to her and he flip flopped between the two of us and then at the end he projected on to both of us. But the bright side is for my daughter that everyday she works hard to over come the damage that he did and she has overcome most of it. It hasn't been easy for either of us - she cried endless nights, she still does not get good grades in school, she still has self esteem issues, she has low self esteem and is constantly trying to prove herself. But with the help and guidance of her psych and the love of family and friends around her, she will persevere.
I feel strongly that no contact with XNH has been the best thing for both of us. All ties have been cut. We instilled boundaries with his family - they also do not have contact with him. We started life anew - in a new home, in a new area of the city etc.,
I personally think that if the only father or mother that a child has is an N then it is far better for that child to not have that parent in their lives. There is far too much emotional and mental damage that is done by the N parent that we as the stable, secure, dependent and responsible parent cannot comprehend or fathom. The damage and destruction run deep and is always there. The N parent is also a role model for the child and an example to follow.
XNH has another daughter 41, who still has emotional issues surrounding him. The best thing for all is if the N parent disappears into the woodwork never to be heard from again.
Love
Allie
From: growingintomyself Sent: 2/23/2006 8:58 AM Dear Wounded, I have a similar story.
When S was younger XHN could have been nominated for "father of the year". We went to church every Sunday and were active in the community as a family(course nobody knew except me when he was marching with the cardinal on the "Latino March for Domestic Peace in the Home" that he was smacking me around. XHN coached S's soccer team and they won the divisiion. XHN was "perfect" to those who were looking in. When I began to exert financial control(cause we were sinking deeper and deeper into debt as he controlled the joint checking account, I almost got strangled. and yes, he was sneaky about the abuse he tried to make sure that S never saw it!. When I threatened to divorse him, he said that he would go for custody of S and that I would never see S again. Well a was scared but things were so bad, I told him to leave after 16 years. (It was also my house. XHN never got a lawyer and did sign the house over as well as my rights to my pension upon retiring(he was more concerned that I would take his money(of which he had little!) Getting back to S. Divorce agreement said that he would see S once a week: He sees S twice a week (what a good father!) lol for a less than 2 hour dinner. In the last two years, he has had S overnight twice and immediately brought him back the next day. S has lost interest in soccer and now is a wrestler for the HS. XHN has yet to see him wrestle. I also notice that XHN spends less and less time with S. S has his own life. XHN gives son minimal money and occasionally give him a piece of cast off clothing that XHN no longer wants. I pay for therapy and give S money for school events(S also has a job on the weekend.) Yes Ns will fade away. I didnt realize this when I first divorced. If I would have known this, I probably would have divorced sooner. S is getting to see the real DAD but it is still hard on S as he wants "what was" even though it was the house of cards. Thank God his wrestling coarch is a great role model! We are the ones that have to provide our children with what is appropriate behavior. (by the way, I have a great relationship with his relatives although I dont speak to XHN except to communicate about S)....isnt it interesting that many of our stories are similar!!! It really helps to hear others talk sbout this!...growing
From: woundedbutrecoveringinCA Sent: 2/24/2006 5:31 PM Thanks so much for sharing stories. It really is comforting to know that we are all going through similar things. Part of why it is comforting is because my experiences are validated -- I don't have to wonder whether I really am the problem, as the xNh would assert.
I often post about my coparenting woes on the board and I like to refer to him as SuperNDad! LOL. He gets huge NS from our kids so I have not been able to shake him outta our lives yet. ....He only shows up for them when it is easy for him. When he gets some type of public 'credit' for being their Dad. When he can bask in THEIR reflected glory. When it creates the dedicated dad image, etc. It isn't about THEM. They just haven't figured that out yet. --Blind
Yeah, SuperNDad alright! That's why he abandoned your family, and uses his kids for his own glory! Barf. I've wondered why it is that people (e.g., the outsiders who tell him what a great Dad he is) cannot see through the B.S. The reason I have come up with is that they cannot fathom that anyone would be so disordered as to be involved with their children only for their own personal glory. It's just not normal, so why would anyone jump to that far-fetched conclusion? If they are normal, they would of course see the SuperNDad as a concerned and loving parent, because they are acting as if. Why would anyone assume it was an act?
I'm wondering when (or if) my children will be able to see through the act. The xNh is not as severe of an N as many I read about on this board. He is not overtly abusive in any way, but he is insidiously covert in his abuse. He makes subtle comments and insinuations. I know now that it all fits under the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How will the kids figure this out? I can't tell them, of that I am sure, unless they ask. I can reinforce their worth, let them be themselves, and love them for who they are. And I can hope they can see through his BS and not have it affect them too negatively.
The relationship between your children and their Nfather will change. There is nothing that you could do to prevent, delay, postphone or change about it. It will be a natural occurrence. It is part of development having an Nparent. --Zivot
I am so hopeful in hearing these words. The xNh does plan to move to another state -- clearly not a SuperNDad move -- but a real indication to me that he does not feel the need to spend much time with them. (He is negotiating for a couple of weeks during the year, and half of summer, but it has become apparent that is only to minimize child support and not for his stated reasons of loving and missing the kids). I am so heartened to learn that your kids saw through the Ndad.
He alternated between hating and resenting me to hating and resenting her and then he hated and resented both of us together....I personally think that if the only father or mother that a child has is an N then it is far better for that child to not have that parent in their lives. There is far too much emotional and mental damage that is done by the N parent that we as the stable, secure, dependent and responsible parent cannot comprehend or fathom. The damage and destruction run deep and is always there. The N parent is also a role model for the child and an example to follow. --Allie
The xNh admitted, in rare moments of self-reflection, that he resented and hated me for being better than him -- for knowing who I am, what I want, for being smarter than him, for being respected in my career, for being a good parent, etc. etc. etc. At the time, I adored him, and of course tried to convince him that he was just as smart as me (and smarter in some ways), he was a good dad, etc. Blatant NS. I can see through it all so easily now. But it blew me away that he resented me for what most folks would consider to be positive qualities. Well, 11 year-old daughter is growing into a smart, sassy, capable individual. I believe it is just a matter of time until he resents her the same way. Yikes. He completely resents and hates his mother. I believe he has a strong misogynistic streak that he tries to cover up. I sure hope that with his move, the xNh ends up having a lot less contact with the kids. For you are right, "the N parent is also a role model for the child and an example to follow." Eeek. I wish I could eliminate his influsence from their lives. But alas, I cannot. But if he moves far away, perhaps his choices will end up minimizing his influence on them.
XHN was "perfect" to those who were looking in....Yes Ns will fade away....We are the ones that have to provide our children with what is appropriate behavior. --Growing
Thanks for the important reminder, Growing. We need to remember that we non-N parents also have tremendous influence over our children. Hopefully, if we model honesty, integrity, and authenitic emotions, the children will be able to see what N is like when no-one is looking, and choose a different way of being.
I truly believe my therapist's take, which is validated by all of your experience, that the N will fade away once the children stop adoring him. The xNh in my life is not intentionally mean, and does not obtain NS by force. He plays head games to get his NS. But his true sense of self-worth is so weak and fragile he just flees situations where he does not receive abundant adulation. So I hope to see him leave very soon.
Thanks again, everyone.
--Recovering
From: Zivot1 Sent: 2/25/2006 6:03 PM I am sure that all of us could understand when I write about the part of healing that deals with confusion.
During my 18 marriage, I knew that my Nspouse confused matters but I never thought that I, yes ME, was confused. It was not until all of this just fell apart and I learned that he was an N and all the bad things that he had done, that I felt confused and coming out of a confused state.
My son is now 18 years old. My Nspouse left the house when our son was 15. This divorce was one from heck and even though it was legally done last September, we are still involved with the court.
My Xspouse played dangerous mind/psychological games with me and the two kids.
Last fall, my son looked at me and said that he feels better. He said "you know mom, I don't feel as confused as last school year and I can really think again". When he said this, I knew that he saw the light and knows what was going on and is out of this mental game. I felt so relieved and knew that he now recognizes all the mental games that his father played on his and is able to step back from the sitatuion and now cope with it. I felt good.
By the way, we were not talking about the Nfather when my son mentioned this but were talking about his school work. I just can't wait until my daughter says those same words to me but she was 11 at the time and I am not sure that she suffered the same as the two of us. I hope not, she is doing well too!
How did it end? Um....our son does not want anything to do with his dad because his father is a liar, a great disappointment, no character or integrity and has washed his hands of him. I would rather than our son make this choice than to feel neglected and unloved from his father. Now the son has managed to turn the tables on his father. "Now dad, YOU will have to cope with what has been done".
From: christabel1956 Sent: 3/5/2006 2:58 PM Zivot,
I have been divorced from my N for 15 years. My girls are now 24 and 21. The trickle down effect from having an N for a father has been agony for me to observe. Make no mistake that children, young and old, always look to both parents for approval. It doesn't matter if the one parent is an unmittigated bazturd.
My 24 year old has been so terrified of intimacy that she is just now entertaining the thought of a relationship. She always heard this quiet voice that said, "If your father would abandon you....why wouldn't any man." Hence, she made my poor second husband jump through hoops of fire to prove his worthiness. She has turned into a beautiful young woman, and yes, her father's narcissism is weighed out carefully. She does not discuss anything of emotional value. Topics are black and white, and therefore they have a functioning relationship.
I fear that the abandonment has done far worse to my second daughter. I believe she has borderline personality disorder. Her father has become her super hero, and though I never...not once....left her side, I am apparantly the one who abandoned her. I have become the nemesis to both. My ex-husband has joined forces with my daughter. It is so twisted I can't put it into words. My daughter has no perception of reality and has transferred every negative feeling onto me. We are now estranged, and when she is home from college she stays with her dad. She sabotages any interaction and turns our visits into war. She claims that I have never supported her in anything she's ever done. Translated: It hurts to much to think that my dad was never there, so I'm going to make it your fault.
I would caution any one who believes that divorce will spare your children's heartache. I will share that I always encouraged and nurtured their love for their father. Now that my oldest is an adult, she's very appreciative of that. She realized the way things were all on her own. As frustrating as it might be, let your kids figure it out by themselves. My husband and I used to go into our bedroom and shut the door letting loose f bombs and other choice expressions that released our frustrations. And there were many!!!
Thanks for reading,
Christabel
From: Livnlearn4 Sent: 3/5/2006 3:19 PM I fear that the abandonment has done far worse to my second daughter. I believe she has borderline personality disorder. Her father has become her super hero, and though I never...not once....left her side, I am apparantly the one who abandoned her. I have become the nemesis to both. My ex-husband has joined forces with my daughter. It is so twisted I can't put it into words. My daughter has no perception of reality and has transferred every negative feeling onto me. We are now estranged, and when she is home from college she stays with her dad. She sabotages any interaction and turns our visits into war. She claims that I have never supported her in anything she's ever done. Translated: It hurts to much to think that my dad was never there, so I'm going to make it your fault.
I have seen this theme repeated so many times, and fear it happenng to me and my daughter (10), who sees her father as a hero right at the moment. GAG.
Why does this happen so commonly and what can be done to prevent it? Not all of these stories have happy endings, do they?
From: Zivot1 Sent: 3/5/2006 5:04 PM I was once telling the children's therapist (she is well aware of Ns as she was married to one and had a marriage from hell) that I always tell the children that their father loves them.
She looked at me and clearly said:
Don't ever tell these children that their father loves them. It is not your responsibility. The father is giving them mixed messages by doing one thing that is suppose to be love and at the same time saying that he loves them. They will grow up thinking that bad behavior or abuse is real love. You are also providing them mixed messages by further cementing that idea. You do kind things as your actions and say that you love them. So the kids really never learn what love is and define it on their own. They don't have this capability since love is not consisitent in definition and intensity for them.
She further went to say that:
My love was what they should be taught and what should surround them. This is love and this should be reinforced.
Besides, do you think that your husband, that filed parent alientation and says that you are unfit would tell your children that you love them. He is trying to destroy you. Let him be accountable for his own actions and no not speak for him.
The children will learn the real meaning of love and who loves them when they are able to distinguish the two kinds of love that they see and hear.
I took her advice and never told them that the father loved them anymore. I just never brought it up. Not my problem. Even though it was a cold reality for them to recognize, three years later, they see that dad is a lying jerk all on their own.
From: Livnlearn4 Sent: 3/6/2006 3:24 AM Thanks for your post Zivot. Very good point. I too have stopped saying stuff like that. It is in our caring, fixing natures to try and smooth things over for everyone, isn't it? We are not responsible for the relationships that our children have with their other parent, only the one that WE have with them. And you are quite right, this perpetual double standard is what allows the wool to be pulled over their eyes when young.
At present, my S2BXNH is away in another country for his project and he rings D10 every second day. The last few months his r with D has changed, he is more dependent on her and has worked on her, telling her that he too is her parent blah blah blah, as if I ever said different, and it wasn't HE that left and suggested I return to my other country of residence, with the house equity and our D! So I hear her givng exaggeratedly loud goodbye kisses to him and saying, I miss you, of course I miss you! (Is he asking her if she does?)
Just the other day D was saying that smoke bothered her and she mentioned how when at her Dad's it bothered her, it didn't used to, but now it does. He doesn't make any allowance for the fact that he smokes right in his growing young D's face and when she returns home after a weekend visit she has the stench of smoke clinging to her and everything in her bag, her clothes and she herself - everything needs a good wash! This from a man who didn't smoke the first 43 years of his life and who had told me that kissing a woman who smoked was like kissing an ashtray, and then when he left for OW1 and OW2, both of whom are heavy smokers, he suddenly became one too! I just didn't get it until I found out about NPD and mirroring. But back to my original point, when will D see that her Dad can't even be bothered to take into account her feelings about his smoking and confine it to outdoors or when she is not there etc?
Livnlearn
From: christabel1956 Sent: 3/6/2006 4:56 AM Zivot,
I'm sorry, but I think you misunderstood my content. I never told my children that their father loved them..... I just allowed their love to flow freely. They were little girls who adored their dad. I didn't feel it was my right to transfer my bitterness and hatred. I knew that time would allow them to come to their own conclusions. They didn't need me to tell them that they were a narcissistic supply. That he only called them if he was bored out of his mind. Let me tell you, it gets really grose when your kids become adults. He parades them around, hanging on them like they're his girlfriends. "Hey, did I introduce you to my adult daughters." Uggghhhh!!!
Anyway, it is instinct to love your parents, no matter who they are. My mother had BPD. My childhood was a living nightmare. She died before I had children and I'd give my right arm to have her on this earth for 5 minutes. I completely adored my abusive parent. After she died, my father and his new wife would sit and make fun of her. My father would say things like, "I could have never left her...it would have been like leaving a helpless dog." As an adult child, it made me sick to have my father speak of her that way. I knew that she was mentally ill, I didn't need him to tell me.
So in conclusion, my main concern was that my girls never took responsibility for their father's behavior. It is so easy for a child to believe that everything is their fault. I didn't want them to feel like freaks because they did love him so dearly. They were already hurt enough. They didn't need me to eccentuate his f _ _ _ ups. So I let them love him, even when I didn't.
Christabel
From: christabel1956 Sent: 3/6/2006 5:28 AM livenlearn4,
I appreciate your concerns. It is a long road and so often the words are muttered, "What was I thinking?" We feel so fooled by these N's, and when we wake up and get divorced, a stark realization. We still need to let them parent our children.
The teens hit both of my girls pretty hard. Their father's narcissism was incomprehensible and agony for me. I watched him betray my precious babies so much in the way he betrayed me.
When my oldest started to question her dad about why he was never there, he freaked and did exactly what you would expect. He told her that I was a manipulator and that he was a great guy who adored us....and inexplicably he came home from work one day, and I threw him out....totally without warning.
He played this out over and over again. My daughter's instinct told her that I was her savior and life line. She reacted vehemently. She literally told him to go F himself. Did not speak to him for 3 years. Hell on earth, I must tell you. In those 3 years, he never fought for her. Never asked what he could do to make it right. He missed precious years (15-18). Instead, to my horror, he had his wife call and write, "You're missing out. Your dad is a great guy." Putting all the blame in her lap. Suicidal ideation was the result. She formulated "hanging" scenarios.
That daughter is 24 now. She finally realized that in order to have a relationship with her dad....it had to be on his terms. That may not be ideal, but they have a great relationship. Yes, it makes me ill, but she needs to love him. He is the only dad she'll ever have. When he does things to hurt her, she comes to me for love and support. I can be a little more open with her, but still very careful not to shred him.
Now, unfortunately to the contrary, when the same scenario played out with daughter #2....she needed to believe that his abandonment was my fault. It has been a journey of heartache over the past 5 years. I can only tell you that you need to do what brings you peace. Because the only person you can control is yourself. I fought for this daughter, but she won't or can't hear me. It is truly her choice. So, sadly, in order for her to have a relationship with her father, it is to the detriment of the rest of us. She does not speak to her sister, nor me. Her little brother is like a puppy of unconditional love, and I watch in horror as she treats him like her dad did to her. Broken promises over and over again.
I have re-written my version of a happy ending. I am very focused on all the people and things that bring me joy. I would love to have my daughter back, but it is not my choice.
I am so sorry that you are living with the pain of the super hero. It is so nauseating. I stick behind the notion that you must allow your daughter to love him....not defending his behavior by any means. If she says things that hurt you, try not to take it personally. That has been my biggest truth.
With love and support,
Christabel
From: Zivot1 Sent: 3/6/2006 4:07 PM Christabel,
I agree with on that we must allow our children love both parents, including the one that is N. This is their choice and unlike our N's, we k now that we cannot control human emotions. Humans do feel what they want to feel. My apologizes if I wrote otherwise.
I do have a question that perhaps you would be willing to answer.
My N's mother was verbally abusive to Nson as a child. Once my Nspouse did say to me that we do not have to love our parents just because they ARE our parents.
Why do children still love their abusive parent? Is it because they want the parent to love them back or because children are truly innocent and love their parents no matter what. I believe that all children love their parents but don't like what the parent has done.
Thanks
From: obstical Sent: 3/6/2006 7:46 PM This is a very good thread....I wanted to address the topic about a child idolizing the absent parent. ALthough my children are young and my EX a danger to them...I have been warned by counselors and in fact my EXN's mother, that sometimes children idolize the absent parent making them out as perfect where as the parent that has done all the work and the parenting is resented. As a child and growing adult I believe that resenting our parents is well sort of a stage most everyone goes through. Idolizing I'm not sure...although from my mother-in-law's persepective in leaving her ex and keeping her children safe she utimately lost two of her children..One because she dreamed of the more monetarily comfortable life she would have had if her mother had stayed and the other who dreamed of his father being some sort of huge business tycoon he wanted to immulate and make proud. According to her , the ex was actually lazy, incredibly abusive not particularly successful financially and as tightfisted as you could get. As a mmother of 5 she struggled financially and never received childsupport but thought that the sacrifice was well worth the freedom and safety away from a tyrant. However, those two children very much resented growing up without many luxaries and definitely believe their mother is to blame. In this way...sometimes I believe it's best for the children to have contact if it is possible and restricted so that they can come to their own conclusions. However, I know that one of her children is definitely an N (my Ex) and from the descriptions I have heard of the other from family members ..." Always a liar" ," told stories, believed she was smarter, prettier, better than everyone else, resented eveything and everyyyone" , " A good mother, I guess she is...she acts like she is .. her kids have to be perfect though" " (looking at childhood pictures) " Look at her she always had to be the center of any photo op no matter what the occassion and she always had that smirk never really happy that child!" The other child seems to be pretty Nish as well. So perhaps it didn't have anything to do with no contact with father?
In my situation my Ex is a real danger to the children so contact is impossible. However even if he wasn't a physical threat his mental abuse had a terrible impact on his children. WHo can immagine a parent telling a toddler that they are fat, stupid ,, unlovable? Thus I agree with Allie " I personally think that if the only father or mother that a child has is an N then it is far better for that child to not have that parent in their lives". O
