Betrayal! The feeling of being broken
Originally posted February 09, 2006
From: LynnS2274 (Original Message) Sent: 2/9/2006 9:44 AM Good morning, everyone--
I think one thing we can all say is this: "I loved someone and they hurt me." When the betrayal happens, we seek to understand. Why did he do that? How could he BE that way. How did my love have so little value to someone I valued? Why couldn't I see? Our pain is so hard to look at. For many of us here, those questions began our study of Narcissism.
During this journey, I have discovered that it is far more important for me to understand what it was in me that allowed me to have a lack of compassion for myself when I could have chosen otherwise, during the storm and afterwards. I was manipulated, I was taken advantage of, I got hit by a tornado. It was an insidious storm that brewed over a long period of time, and I see now that I didn't have the tools to batten down the hatches. I thought I was somehow responsible when the wind kicked up, I blamed myself for the wind, and so I tried to stop the wind instead of getting myself out of the path of it.
I have now learned, a tornado will destroy and I don't have to stand in its path. To do so is not good for me. That's my lesson. I hope that I have learned it enough to not let it happen again, that I have learned to value myself enough to not let someone else define me, idealize me, devalue me, or let their dysfunction say anything about me or feel ever again that I have to prove myself to someone who can never be satisfied.
My trust was betrayed. My intentions were questioned. My kindness, caring, and compassion made no difference. That hurts. I did not deserve it. I will never think I did. None of us deserved that. The relationship autopsy is important to gain perspective, but once we do that and see who the N is and who we were in that relationship, we are left to decide only one thing and it's the only thing over which we have any control: who we will be as we move forward?
In the end, it comes down to trusting myself again. What happened yesterday is gone. Every day is a new chance, a new opportunity to look at things in a new way. Every person I encounter in this day is a different person than the ones from my past who may have been untrustworthy. We are each different today than we were yesterday. For me to connect my current experiences with those ghosts of the past is perhaps natural, but unfair to myself and the people who enter my life today. Each person and experience is a potential gift in my life. To assume otherwise would be a betrayal to myself. I make the meaning. For me, the purpose is there if I live my life on purpose
I am not who I was then. I can trust myself as long as I have compassion for myself that is equal to the compassion I have for others. I do not necessarily have to understand the N or exactly how he thinks to have that, but the devastation from the encounter did bring me to the realization that I had work I needed to do for me. I can say that he's a good example of what not to do. I know his disorder now, and I can share what I know and what I have experienced and do so willingly and with the hope that it will help other people beginning this journey to find their own peace, but I seek now not to relive the tornado. Triggers still trigger and wounds still reopen, but I hope that I can find the places in me that are wounded more easily now and do the things I need to do to dress those wounds.
The work I have to do is to have compassion for self, to release the shame and blame, to know where one person stops and I begin. I have the power of choice. I always did. I made some choices that turned out badly. Had I known then what I know now I would have made different choices. Knowing that, I can forgive myself and I can trust myself. I may face new obstacles and stumble again, but those will be opportunities to do better as well.
So, I move into this day in anticipation that all can be made new, every day. New does not mean without history or perspective to me. It simply means...I can begin exactly where I am and see all things today as an opportunity that is unlike any other I have encountered.
Backwards is no longer an option.
I wish for all of us the knowledge that the journey may be long and difficult, but we can heal. We are called to heal. That's why we're here.
Hugs,
Lynn
* * *
BETRAYAL! THE FEELING OF BEING BROKEN... AND THE RECOVERY
By
Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
They were in love. Everything was wonderful. They'd been together for twelve years. They were expecting their second child and they were delighted. And then came the unexpected telephone call. The phone call from the 9-year old boy asking to speak to his "Daddy."
Betrayal The trust, the dreams and the hopes all shattered in an instant with the revelation that her husband of twelve years had a secret relationship and a secret child for nine years!
"I love you baby. You know I would never hurt you. My job is to protect you always and I will always do that. You just need to keep our secret safe. Don't tell Mommy what we're doing ... she won't understand that I need to show you how to love ..."
The child who trusts the adult not to hurt him/her is betrayed by the abusing or neglectful adult.
The mere word, "betrayal," evokes enormous feelings. It’s one thing to be disappointed, saddened, and unhappy; but it’s altogether another to feel BETRAYED. …Lied to in a way that feels humiliating. Defiled by someone whom you trusted; someone in whom you placed your belief, your hopes, perhaps your love. Perhaps it is in the enormity of the truth not told, or the complexity of the subterfuge, or the completeness with which the trust was given…that the pain grows to feel so huge.
Another common experience in the moment of discovered betrayal is deflated self-esteem. It is so very important to remember that trust given and trust broken is at the core of the betrayal issue. Trust is a gift. If you gave and it was not well and honestly received – YOU have no blame. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking. You must not diminish the magnitude and beauty of your gift – by belittling yourself for having given.
There are many times when one can experience betrayal:
Betrayal by parents: A parent who abused you.
A parent who lied to you.
A parent who neglected you.
Betrayal by a lover: A lover who has conducted another relationship while with you.
A lover who has taken all your money without your knowledge.
A lover who has transmitted a disease you never knew about.
Betrayal by society: A promise for full employment that never gets met.
A promise of social security – that may not be there.
Quality healthcare[/b] – available only to a few.
Betrayal by your body: A chronic illness when you’ve done "everything right."
A disease of body image – and you feel hopeless and helpless.
Aging.
Betrayal by a friend: A closely guarded secret --- exposed…
An important promise --- broken….
A friend you put yourself on the line for – who left you high and dry.
Betrayal of self: Lies to self.
Denial of a personal medical condition.
Participation in a disrespectful relationship.
In all these instances – it is the quality of the perceived connection between the parties that determines whether the injustice feels like a betrayal or simply an unpleasant event or behavior.
If someone you feel no particular connection to – promises a gift – and fails to follow-through; perhaps you are upset, disappointed, even angry. The rage and despair often associated with betrayal comes only when the experience is one of a profound, wrenching violation of your faith in another. The establishment of trust is a tremendous commitment you make. It only makes sense that when the commitment is dismissed – the magnitude of that dismissal can feel overwhelming. Whether the betrayal is experienced at the hands of another or is perceived to be experienced at the hands of self – the initial shock and anger can be quite draining; sometimes frightening.
The sense of betrayal can be accompanied by a self-anger, a new/renewed distrust of self, a new/renewed fear of self, and the decision-making skills you possess. With the feeling of betrayal can come the feeling of a psychic implosion. At the moment, you do not feel whole. Many begin to fear they will never feel whole again.
If you are struggling with a feeling of having been betrayed – there are many things you are likely to experience including: (1) shock (2) denial (3) anger (4) extreme hurt/sadness (5) anxiety (6) emotional lethargy (7) social lethargy (8) changes in daily living activities; in other words, many of the symptoms of depression. This is quite normal – but if these symptoms persist for more than two weeks, it is important to meet with a mental health professional for an evaluation for therapy – possibly short term, medication, etc., etc.
As you begin to understand the nature of your feelings and look for ways to proactively heal…you will be on …the road to recovery … In doing this, many may discover that the betrayal, the loss, the anger, and all the other feelings involve not only the immediate betrayal but any other betrayals experienced over your lifetime. Previous experiences of betrayal – whether from infancy / childhood or from adulthood last week can complicate the way in which you experience the betrayal and heal from the betrayal.
Betrayal by another does not have to mean that you have to betray yourself. It does not mean that you are unworthy and unfit. It does not mean that you deserved the treatment you received, nor is it a guarantee that you will be treated the same way again. If you feel betrayed by yourself - you may have to work with someone professionally or in a support group to understand the feelings of betrayal and how you can heal.
Tips for healing…Acknowledge your pain, anguish…and every other feeling you have.
Surround yourself with supportive friends/family.
Create a positive affirmation for yourself … perhaps from the list below.
If you are choosing to end the relationship, writing a letter to allow your own release will be important for you. (This is a letter that you will very likely not send.)
If you are choosing to continue the relationship, make sure you set clear and specific limits for future interactions.
Make sure to interact with at least one positive force in your life every day.
Allow yourself time to heal and learn.
Forgiveness frees YOU from YOUR pain.
It is critical to remember during this healing time that… Your trust has been abused…this is a very big deal. Recovery will take time.
You are NOT responsible for the betrayer’s decisions. (If you see self as the betrayer of self– recognize that your choices were propelled by choices you felt were reasonable at the time.)
You CAN heal.
You are NOT alone.
You are NOT "stupid."
YOU did not create the betrayal.
You do NOT need to understand the betrayer’s actions in order to heal. You DO need to get lots more information if you are going to remain in the relationship.
You may never understand the betrayer’s motivations – you do not have to in order to heal. You DO have to if you choose to resume/continue the connection.
If you choose to continue the relationship, you MUST see ACTIVE change in the betrayer towards a new, healthy, HONEST communications style.
You do have CHOICE POWER.
You CAN choose to allow healing.
Healing takes time.
History is NOT a guarantee of the future. The future CAN be different.
You CAN and WILL learn to trust again… as soon as you relearn to trust you.
From: neveragain Sent: 2/9/2006 12:37 PM Lynn, Thank you for sharing this and describing your process towards recovery. I agree that we don't have to remain in suffering after the realization and acceptance of what we have been through. I am several years away from the "eye of the tornado" and well removed from the chaos and for that I am greatful. I guess accepting the fact that I have baggage and I will never look at things the same way has been a mixed blessing. I know that having been through this experience has made me much stronger but, I also know that deep inside the scar tissue that developed will also limit my ability to ever love so freely again. Maybe that's a good thing at this point in my life because to ever go through this again I know would destroy me.
I guess the best way to describe where I am right now is.... joyfilled with life's daily discoveries and beauty. Each day is a new treat! I don't live in the fear of "this thing"ever happening to me again because I won't allow it. I'm protective of who enters my inner circle and I have yet to encounter anyone that I deem safe. I've noticed an abundence of these "critters" floating around. All of this has been a learning experience, that has in truth, colored my world forever. That has been my struggle in looking at my own baggage and feeling it will always be there...even if it's on the shelf.. I dont know if I could ever let anyone become that dear to me again. The colors I see may now be somewhat muted but, my perception has become very clear....I've learned to trust myself and my instincts.
I'm no longer broken but, for me I'll most likely always have a cane.
Love,
Neveragain
From: Cornfield10 Sent: 2/9/2006 3:30 PM Dear Lynn and Never: I can add nothing to your posts and agree with your feelings about trust. We are forever changed and the healing is a lifelong process. We tried and it backfired on us. Now we pick up what is left of our souls and put them back together again in a different way. I don't hurt so much anymore, but I wish I could get the subject out of my head for at least part of my days.
Love, Cornfield
From: flower Sent: 2/9/2006 6:10 PM Lynn,
You always seem to have the words with analogies to express feelings as to capture the essence and range of emotions. Thank you!
And when you posted: Backwards is no longer an option.
Exactly. We can learn lessons from the past, but we do not need to live in it.
Love, Flower
P.S. And the experiences of the past, reminds me of a song from the 70s (I am dating myself again, LOL), the line, "That is not what you are here for" seems to have layers of meaning especially after surviving a soul-shaking experience.
BEWARE OF DARKNESS
by George Harrison
Watch out now, take care
Beware of falling swingers
Dropping all around you
The pain that often mingles
In your fingertips
Beware of darkness
Watch out now, take care
Beware of the thoughts that linger
Winding up inside your head
The hopelessness around you
In the dead of night
Beware of sadness
It can hit you
It can hurt you
Make you sore and what is more
That is not what you are here for
Watch out now, take care
Beware of soft shoe shufflers
Dancing down the sidewalks
As each unconscious sufferer
Wanders aimlessly
Beware of maya
Watch out now, take care
Beware of greedy leaders
They take you where you should not go
While weeping atlas cedars
They just want to grow, grow and grow
Beware of darkness (beware of darkness)
From: CZBZ Sent: 2/11/2006 8:15 AM "I am not who I was then. I can trust myself as long as I have compassion for myself that is equal to the compassion I have for others...Triggers still trigger and wounds still reopen, but I hope that I can find the places in me that are wounded more easily now and do the things I need to do to dress those wounds."
"I am not who I was then."~Lynn
Yesterday, I was talking with one of my sisters on the telephone about my impending move to her city in a couple of weeks. We've never lived by one another so this will be a mutually-terrifying experience for both of us. I said to her, "Well, I am the same person I always was", and she busted up laughing so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear!
"YOU ARE NOT!"
"Yes, I am!"
"NO, you're NOT!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"I'm telling Mom what you just said!"
See why I'm worried? I get around my sis and the next thing that happens is: I am ten and she is six and we are arguing about her stupid cat pooping on my bed and how much she hated my beehive hair-do with little ringlets tangling in my six-inch hoop earrings while my gut re-fires with teen-age envy for her size two jeans altered so they wouldn't bag on her butt.
I am not who I was then. But, neither is she. Change, change, change. It's inevitable. Even for girls with size two rear-ends. That was then and this is now and she's dealing with Midlife Spread just like the rest of us. The cat's dead, my hooped earrings are nowhere to be found and I changed my mind about the beauty of the Beehive. One thing is becoming glaringly obvious: This Too Shall Pass.
Even though I feel like I am the same woman I was before my divorce, I am not. She told me in no uncertain terms (she always was a porcupine with her fearless assertion of personal opinions, as shallow and remedial as those opinions might be, ROFL), she told me I was WAY NICER than I had been for three decades. That I was MORE LOVING than I had been for three decades. That I was WAY MORE COMPASSIONATE and CARING than I had been for three decades. That I had become the girl my family knew before I met Mr. WoNderful and created the Perfect Family. That as sad as she was for everything I had gone through, she was so grateful to have her sister back.
Isn't that sumthing??? I don't feel different really...though my head is clearer and I doubt myself far less than I did a few years ago. But she's right---something changed when my heart was broken and everything I believed to be real, fell apart.
Illusions shatter.
Fears rise to the surface from dark places we did not know existed within ourselves.
We have the first chance we may have had since meeting the narcissist, to suffer legitimate pain and become who we were always meant to be despite the detour.
I know she's right, Lynn. Even after grieving the loss of my marriage, my heart did not harden or turn to stone as a result. It become more pliable and soft and squishy and sweet than it would have been without being broken in the first place. Maybe compassion results from the courage required to not only suffer the grief of betrayal, but to liberate ourselves from legitimate suffering by loving more fiercely than we ever did before?
How do we love fiercely when our attempts to love were thwarted by a Beloved's refusal to act in kind? We learn that love is in the action, only in the action.
Experiential awareness of human suffering may be initiatory to a conscious choice to love not only the self but, all others. When we choose to love, we are no longer victims waiting to be kissed by a prince---we are awakened participants to our conscious intent to love; despite instinctual urges protecting the self from ever being hurt again.
We've learned what love is not. From there, we have a chance to know what love is. And if we figure that one out, we are compelled towards compassionate action in everything we do. Why? Perhaps because we know there is no greater suffering than not suffering the feeling of being broken.
Love to you,
CZBZ
From: LynnS2274 Sent: 2/11/2006 10:38 AM Neveragain--I think we all describe this process in such similar ways in retrospect. Whether it's walking with cane or standing in the ruins, there is no doubt that the N experience impacts us in a way that forever changes who we are. The memory of the pain dims over time, but the scar tissue remains, reminding us of our vulnerability and our sometimes sadder but wiser existence. I have moved through this in a way in which I have had to differentiate between what happened and who I am. What happened is not who I am. What happened made me realize who I am. The colors are there, Never, muted or not. They are there.
Corn--Well, I know that you get the subject out of my head many times each week on the forum, Corn, and help me focus on my life and my journey. We are putting our souls back together, each in our own way, a little more every day, and you are such a wonderful reminder of the importance of that task.
Flower--I have never heard this Harrison song. How could that BE???? "That is not what you are here for". That's so true, Flower. Living in the pain and the past is not what we are here for. We are not meant to live in a shadow world filled with darkness. We are here for light.
CZ--Well, I know that your sister has known you far longer than I have, but I'd argue with you, too, if you told me that you were the same as ever because, CZBZ, I have the privilege of being a witness to your journey over the past three years. Your colors are more vibrant with each experience and each passing day. Your vulnerability and your conscious choice to love are your strengths. We all feel the need to protect when we are hurt, to avoid pain. Life has pain, and to not extend ourselves in order to avoid the pain and not be willing to suffer the pain is to also deny the opportunity to feel the joy in this world. And you know, it has come down to exactly this journey towards being able to tolerate my own insecurity , to love anyway in spite of the fear, to do what love does, that has made the difference for me, too. When all I knew was stripped away, when all my 'certainty' was gone, I had to find what was left underneath all of it. I wasn't sure that anything was there except pain for a time. Life is uncertain but my ability to love and give is not. It's so scary, to take that leap again, to give your heart to the cause of loving, to trust that you can and still survive the hurts of the world. There is suffering in that release. There is. It's a painful one. But in the end, unless we can surrender our fear and love, perhaps we have surrendered our essence. In the words of George Harrison, "that is not what you are here for."
Love,
Lynn
From: growingintomyself Sent: 2/11/2006 1:47 PM None of us can go back. We have lost our idealistic innocence. Our soul (and sometimes) our bodies have been raped. We believed and were deceived. Trembling we move on often leaving behind houses, jobs, and children who have been taken from us. This website is like a beacon on a very dark scary path of uncertainty as we carefullly move forward looking for the light. Peace....growing
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