A great thread Susy started was
They Hook us they hurt us:
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6904.0.htmlAfter reading it, It made me ask myself,
Am I Still Hooked:
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6912.0.htmlThere is a lot of great info on these threads, like CZ's comment on
illegitimate guilt.
Bottom line, If they were mean all the time, we wouldn't go back. It is the
inconsistency of positive reinforcement or the lack of abuse (which is positive for us) that keeps us coming back. It is conditioning, that makes us go back for that stinky piece of cheese. (imagine a little mouse pressing a bar or running a maze for a piece of cheese)
Another explanation for, The more They hurt you the more They hook you is
Partial Reenforcement. The toxic, dysfunctional Narcissistic family or friends are like a slot machines: very often you loose, every now and again you win the jackpot -- or at least you think you win the jackpot. Problem is the jackpot is just a deceptive illusion, a fake, a fraud, a Counterfeit.
Think of the Counterfeit person, Nparents or Spouse, as an Evil Scientist who uses behavior modification to his/her wicked advantage. The Evil Scientist uses the power of positive and negative reinforcement to keep us hooked.
Positive reinforcement is an increase in the future frequency of a behavior due to the addition of a stimulus immediately following a response. Giving (or adding) food to a dog contingent on its sitting is an example of positive reinforcement (if this results in an increase in the future behavior of the dog sitting). How does this look in a healthy relationship? Every time your spouse does something nice & unexpected you reward him/her with sign of affection, praise, hugs & kisses. How this looks in the Land of Narcissism, Abuse, and Dysfunction is every time you ignore the warnings of your friends & family who have your best interest at heart and side w/the Counterfeit/Evil Scientist s/he rewards you with praise, hugs & kisses. The goal for the Evil Scientist is to separate/alienate you from the feedback of others, so that you rely & trust only him/her.
Negative reinforcement is an increase in the future frequency of a behavior when the consequence is the removal of an aversive stimulus. An example is if a mouse presses a button to avoid shock. Do not confuse this concept with punishment.
There are two variations of negative reinforcement:
Avoidance conditioning occurs when a behavior prevents an aversive stimulus from starting or being applied.
Escape conditioning occurs when behavior removes an aversive stimulus that has already started.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ReinforcementCounterfeit People/Nparents/NSpouse primarily use negative reinforcement. In an toxic relationship, we constantly find ourselves saying, How do I
avoid another negative out come from the Counterfeit Person (any where from a silent treatment to verbal & physical assaults)? What do I have to do to make him/her happy? -- they have trained us well haven't they? Then if we had an independent thought or behavior that the Counterfeit didn't approve of the negative outcome/abuse occurs. Now it is what do I have to do, how great of a compromise or sacrifice do I have to offer to
escape this negative outcome/abuse and bring it to an end? With couples it often occurs with "Make Up Sex" after a fight which further reinforces the abusers that it is okay to attack, because there will be a great pay-off afterwards. The Nparents/Spouse/Evil Scientist and his/her subject (us) become one another's Reinforcers of Dysfunction. Some abusers have honestly convinced themselves that their spouse/subject likes it rough, because the sex immediately/shortly after follows the attack. He mistakenly believes that it is her willingness/eagerness to have sex after a fight that she is enjoying this dysfunctional/abusive interaction when in reality she is trying to
avoid & escape further escalation from her abuser. The successful
avoidance & escape of an escalated dangerous situation is a great physical relief to the victim and s/he can confuse her/his own relief as romantically turned on as stated in Susy thread.
In a NFOO when the abuser attacks someone and the victim and others do not confront him/her, the abuser takes it as s/he was in the "right" to be abusive. In fact they don't even identify their behavior as abusive, and the next time they are abusive and the victim protests, the abuser replies, "What is the matter with
you? You are being too sensitive".
People in abusive & dysfunctional toxic relationships are hooked on the pay-off. I like what Susy has said recently,
"To further explain to Repetitive Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal. The number of pushes may be altered daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions in his cage. Why? Because his sense of stability is threatened. The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder trying to create a ‘set result.’ This is why poker machines hook people. Women become severely addicted to narcissists, ‘pushing the button’ all the way to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness."
The bottom line for me is, that my self-worth is too high of a sacrifice to pay for a lousy sticky piece of cheese.
Does it really matter how the hook got there, how deep the hook is, or even why it has remained there for as long as it did? I know for myself, I can get
so caught up in the how's & the why's of it all that I lose sight of the Where & the When.
Where is the damage located,
Where can I get help to remove it, and
When can I get rid of it. I believe what matters
most is to find out
where the hook is so we can remove it & throw the hook away immediately! I initially said, throw the hook back, but I don't want the Counterfeit to use this hook on anyone else!
Oh one last thought, as Counterfeits age the mask is to heavy and they no longer put it on, and after all every time they showed their true self, their world did not come to an end -- they just got rid of the Truth teller (us) or we left on our own. Everyone else just puts up and shuts up and has "just accepted them as they are" and has not asked them to change in the past and now it is just too late.
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